Hey! It's Panda and Shadow again. This little oneshot is strange and was thought up by us and our friend Josh. Or as I, Panda, like to call him, Joshy-poo. We were thinking of why Kimimaro was sick and that it was probably from infection. Josh then made the comment that he probably got AIDS from getting blood on his bones and then putting them back in his body. He then proceeded to tell us that he needed to use bone condoms and we just started talking of all the different bone condoms there would be and how Kimimaro would use them.
Disclaimer: We no own Naruto, quite sad really. But Panda does own the coolest Gaara sweatshirt ever.
Bone Condoms
Panda and Shadow: We will make you aware! Ask your partner if they have AIDS! Kimimaro is here to show you how important it is to be aware! You see, because Kimi-kun has to push bones out of his body and then putting them back in, he is at risk of getting AIDS. So we have devised a way to keep him safe.
"Suffer Kimimaro off the Sound Five! Suffer like my family suffered when you killed them all!" yelled the young random Mist ninja.
Kimimaro stared at the young man, wondering if he could leave without fighting. Seeing that the man wouldn't let him pass without engaging in battle, he started digging in his pocket.
"W-what are you doing? I demand that you fight me! ROAR!"
Finding whatever he was looking for, Kimimaro turned toward the young man with a condom in his hand.
"WTF!? Are you going to rape me!? You can't! I'm a virgin! I'm waiting for marriage!"
Kimimaro, too busy trying to open up the condom package to listen, looked up.
"Huh?"
"I said that I won't let you rape me! I am a strong ninja and will not let that happen. You'll just have to …"
The man trailed off as he watched Kimimaro put the condom on his bone dagger.
"That's not where the condom is supposed to go!" screamed the ninja.
"Yes it is. It's used to protect me from getting AIDS when I put the bone back in my body" Kimimaro calmly stated. "By the way, you don't have AIDS do you?"
"I'm a virgin!"
"Have you used an infected needle?"
"I don't do drugs!"
"Well then," Kimimaro said, "you need to die now."
Proceeding to kill the man, Kimimaro took the bloody condom off the bone dagger and dropped it on to the forest floor. Two days later, Mist ANBU found the man's body.
"Spread out men! Find any clues to who killed Bob!"
"Hey captain, you may want to see this!"
"What is that? Is that a… a…"
"BLOOD CONDOM?"
"Don't touch it! It might be infected!"
"But Bob's body shows no sign of being raped. Why is it bloody?"
The Mist ANBU turned toward the body and looked at the hole in the chest area.
"The hole in his chest…"
"Eeewwww!! A Necrophiliac! That's disgusting!"
And that's how the Killer Condom was born!
Panda: Well, that was strange. (turns to Kimimaro) What was that about? Are you a Necrophiliac?
Kimi: (looking up from organizing his condom collection) Wha?
Shadow: Is that pink glitter I see? (points to the condom pile)
Kimi: So that's where they were hiding. I was saving them for something special.
Nate: What do you mean special. What kind of special? Do you mean that special? What are you planning to do!? (starts freaking out and pulling his hair out)
Panda: Kimi had a special someone?
Shadow: Tell me who it is! Who is it? Is it Orochimaru? It's Orochimaru isn't it? I knew it! (goes on a long rant about slash but everyone ignores her)
Kimi: Leave me alone! Tell the readers about when I visited the Sand village (runs and hides in a corner with his condoms)
Shadow: Slash!!
The Sand ninjas were stupid and deserve to die. That's what Kimimaro decided when he was stopped at the gates to a search. There he was just minding his own business, just wanting to get into the village to kill some lord for Orochimaru.
Orochimaru Kimimaro thought while drooling. Wait, what's moving around in my pocket? Must stop thinking of Orochimaru and concentrate. OMG!! It's a hand and it's not mine! Get your hand out of my pocket; you're getting to close to the one thing! Rapist! Molester!
The Sand ninja pulled out a bunch of condoms.
"Why do you have so many condoms with you sir?" the ninja asked, staring at Kimimaro suspiciously.
Kimimaro stared at all the ninjas with a guilty look. Trying to decide the best way out, he panicked.
"They're not mine! They're a friend's! They're for Orochimaru and Kabuto so there won't be little medic-nin monsters running around!"
Grabbing the condoms from the ninja's hands, Kimimaro raced off. Completely forgetting about assassinating the lord what's his face.
Shadow: Kimi, you freak too much. You need to take a chill pill.
Kimi: They're not mine! Orochimaru buys them!
Orochimaru: (opening the door) Kimi-kun! I bought some more condoms!
Panda: (runs up to Orochimaru) Look! A steel-tipped one and glow-in-the-dark ones!
That's about it. Just senseless rambling done during P.E. The lonely little button in the corner will be very happy if you click on it.