What if this happened at the end of Here Comes the Judge? I don't think the writers will allow such things, but I'm just dreaming. . . I can dream, right?
And yes, I know I'm dreaming. They aren't my characters, I'm just letting them have a little playtime to let off some steam.
Alicia was puzzled. What was happening here? As she'd admitted to Eli, she wasn't sure what was going on with her life. She felt it all slipping through her fingers even as she struggled to grasp for control.
Maybe the answer was to let go. What she was doing now clearly wasn't working. She'd given up everything but her work to be with her children, and yet they were still morphing into strangers before her eyes. Zach had matured overnight it seemed, a looming reminder that he would someday leave home for college. Grace, on the other hand, was diving deeper into teenage rebellion. She wasn't sure whether to take this as a sign of the end of her "revival" phase and be thankful for smoker boy or to worry about his influence over Grace. Boys could hold a lot of power over girls her age.
She wasn't sure which was the best course of action to take. Hold them too tightly, and she could lose their trust forever. Give them too much free rein and they could make mistakes that would effect them for the rest of their lives. Alicia sighed and cocked her head to the side, trying to make sense of her position. No answers came to her. She was exhausted from carrying the weight of everyone's problems. When was the last time she'd done something for herself?
Oh yeah. She remembered. Alicia time.
Before she could stop herself, she stood up from the couch. She looked to Zach and Grace and told them she needed to run an errand. She grabbed her phone and keys and was slamming the door to the apartment behind her less than 30 seconds later.
As she drove, she contemplated what she wanted, what she'd say, what he might say. She knocked on Will's door before she realized that she might have called first. In her exuberance to complete her task, she was careless with the details. She hoped he was alone.
The door swung open quickly as Will pulled it back on the hinges with more force than necessary. His surprise was evident as he said, "Alicia, what's the matter?"
"Nothing," she replied with a shake of her head. "Can we talk?"
"Sure," he replied, stepping back to allow her to enter. He shut the door and found her standing awkwardly in his living room. He mirrored her posture, not even suggesting that they sit down, and broke her silence with a quiet, "What's up?"
Alicia collected herself. She'd come here without thinking, without a plan, and still she knew she couldn't back out now. Something inside her was compelling her to say what she wanted to say. "I miss you," she said softly but with confidence.
Will's head snapped up. This was another surprised to him. He couldn't say anything.
Alicia continued, "When I asked that we end things before, I thought that what we had was getting in the way of my relationship with my kids. Tonight I realized that nothing is getting in the way, and still I don't know who they are. They're growing up, so I guess that's what's supposed to happen. But when I realized that I'd made a mistake, I wanted you to know that I miss you."
Will was staring at Alicia. Her face was telling him everything, even what her words were not. Quickly, he took two strides towards her, took her face in his hands and kissed her.
Alicia was shocked. She didn't realize what was happening until his lips were on hers. It took her a moment to catch up before she returned his kiss.
It was a strong, passionate kiss. Will's hands were buried deep in her hair, her arms wrapped tightly around him. His lips silently said everything to her that he wanted to say on the day it had ended. Her reply matched his vigor in apology for the time they'd lost together.
Will's hands roamed her body, slipping under the back of her jacket, reaching underneath her blouse in search of her skin. His caresses against her back caused her to moan into his mouth. She tightened her grip around him, unwilling to let him go.
Will's mind was racing to catch up with all that had happened in the past 5 minutes. He had her. He had her back. She was here in his hands. He was stunned, and at the same time, something was nagging him in the back of his brain. He knew what it was, and as he tried to ignore it, the nagging grew louder and louder inside his head. He knew that if he let this moment pass without attending to that incessent nagging, he could never forgive himself.
Will pulled back from Alicia's lips and rested his forehead against hers. Alicia was surprised and looked up to meet Will's eyes. They were closed. Will shook his head back and forth slightly against her skin as he said, "I'm sorry, I just want to say something."
He met her gaze and then shifted his eyes toward the floor as he contemplated how to begin. "I need to say something," he emphasized and stepped back from her, holding her shoulders at an arm's length. He pressed her backwards until she was leaning against the pillar near the piano. He let her go and stepped backward until he was leaned against the pillar across from her.
The distance between them was awkward. He met her curious eyes as he said, "I just need some space if I'm going to get this all out without tackling you again." His one sided smile showed his light hearted attitude, but the serious look in his eyes gave Alicia a pit in her stomach.
"Ok," she said with a nod and equal smile. She leaned back into the pole to listen to what he had to say.
Will studied his clasped hands in front of him, debating how to approach this. What's wrong with you? he asked himself silently. This is Alicia. Just say it.
"I made a mistake," Will started, looking up to meet Alicia's eyes. "When things started between us, Alicia, I treated you like every other woman I've seen. And you're not like those other women. I don't want to have a purely physical relationship with you, Alicia, and I should have been man enough to say that before. What we had was bound to fizzle out eventually, like every other relationship I've ever had. I don't want to make that mistake again."
Alicia was stunned, her facial expression betraying those feeings. She struggled to make sense of all this as Will continued.
"Alicia," he paused before adding his next words, "I love you. I have been in love with you since Georgetown." He checked her expression. Her jaw had dropped open and she quickly closed it again. Her eyes blankly searched the space in front of her for answers before she met his gaze again. "Every woman I've been with since law school has been you. In my head, they've all been you. I spent 15 years trying to forget you before you came back into my life, and now . . . " Will spread his arms wide in demonstration of his loss of words. "I know that this is complicated for you and that's why I haven't said anything before. I don't want to make life harder for you Alicia, but I don't think I can go back to what we had before. I want something real."
Will had abandoned his pillar and was stepping toward her now. His pace was slow, but Alicia felt panic rising through her body as he approached. What was she going to do? "Will, I don't. . ." she said uncertainly, shaking her head.
Will stopped in his tracks. His eyes dropped to the floor. "Alicia, if you don't feel the same way, nothing has to change. You can leave here and I'll never speak of it again. Ok?" He lifted his eyes back to hers, only she was staring at her hands folded at her waistline.
Alicia shook her head as she looked back to Will again. Her eyes glistened with tears as she spoke. "No, Will, I just. . ." she trailed off. Will was surpised to hear her voice breaking from the tears she wasn't allowing to escape. Alicia struggled to regain her composure and continue. "I just don't know if I can. It's not that I don't want to try. I'm just. . . " she trailed off again, unable to say the words that were screaming themselves in her mind.
Will was stepping closer to her now, unsure how to comfort her as she continued. "Something really bad happened to me and I just don't know if I can put myself in the position for that to happen again." By now, she was crying. Tears slid down her cheeks and she moved quickly to wipe them away. She was so wrapped up in containing herself that she didn't notice Will's arms coming around her to hug her. She flinched at his contact and Will froze for a second before embracing her tightly. She stood awkwardly in his arms, stiff and untrusting.
Will's hand rubbed her back slowly and helped her to relax. As she continued crying, he whispered, "Shhhhh," into her hair to calm her. Soon she was returning his embrace and her breathing was calmer. Will leaned back slightly to see her face. He grasped her face between his hands once again and gently wiped tears from her cheeks with his thumbs. His voice was barely above a whisper when he spoke.
"I know you've been through hell, Alicia, and I know that this is going to be hard for us. We can take it one step at a time, we'll go as slow as we need to. But I want to be there for you every day."
Alicia nodded slightly, showing him her accecptance of his gifts to her. Will's face exploded into a huge smile and he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. He turned her toward the couch and guided her to sit down. He sat beside her, holding her hands in his.
"There's one more thing," Will added. "I don't want us to fall back into our old habits. As much as I want you, I want this to work. I want to give us a fair shot to make this work." Will sighed as he finished quietly, "I don't think we should sleep together until we've made some strides in building a life together."
Alicia looked up at him in surprise once again. "What do you mean?" she asked quietly.
"I don't want this to be a secret forever. I don't want to be sneaking around hiding this forever. I think that we will stand the best chance of making this really work if we don't give in to those temptations until we've got some things in place."
Alicia's raised eyebrows told him that she didn't understand. "For instance, I want to meet your kids. I don't want us to have issues at work. I want a shot at a real life with you."
She shook her head again. "Will, I don't know what's going on with my children right now. I don't know when they'll be ready for news like this. Zach is probably fine, but Grace is in such a delicate position right now and with the campaign. . . "
Will interrupted her, "It doesn't have to be now. I can wait until the timing is right to tell them. If it's after the election, or whenever it's easier, I understand. Alicia, I've waited 20 years for you. I'm a fool if I can't wait a little longer." His affectionate smile almost convinced her that this could work.
"Ok, so what does this look like then?" she asked curiously.
"We'll take it as it comes. I don't know what it will look like. We'll just make it up."
Alicia rolled her eyes and smiled, remembering a similar converstation they'd had the night of Peter's press conference. "Who needs a plan?" she asked coyishly.
"We do. We have a plan," Will answered her. "We'll take things slow until we're ready to talk to your kids and make our relationship more public."
She nodded and they sat a moment in silence before Will asked, "Can I take you on a date?"
"It might have to be a bit untraditional for now," she answered uncertainly, knowing the press would be all over her until the election was over.
"It's ok, I'm creatve," Will answered her with a smile.
And somehow, she knew in that moment that it would just work out okay.