Lost Lullaby
The First Verse
You don't remember much of anything when you first wake, lying on your back in the Midgar ruins. There's blood all around you, your face feels like its melted, and you don't think you could speak if you needed to. It feels like your throat is made of sand paper. Somehow you manage to sit up, ignoring the pain in your chest. Your entire right arm is numb, and the sleeve on your outfit has been torn to shreds. You turn, cracking your back once, and you see your brother's body lying off in the distance, his leg contorted in a strange angle. Your thoughts pause there, lost in a moment of time, trying to remember why you ever called him brother.
It's three weeks you think before you finally end up there after abandoning your 'brother'. You put a splint on his leg, and left your tattered clothing by his body after finding some old looking rags in the ruins. They may have once been curtains, but you don't care. You don't want to associate yourself with the life you don't remember. You don't know why, but it's just something you choose. However, you feel your brother should at least know you survived. He should know that you don't want him to come after you. You don't remember much about the place, but it calls to you, drawing you in. There's a pool in the back, but streams and flashes of memories seem to pull at your eyes saying that there's not suppose to be one. All you know is that the place is different since the last time you were there. You dip your feet in the water, sitting at the edge of the pool, letting a sense of calm overtake you. You can't remember the last time you felt this at peace with yourself, and figure that you might take up shelter here. This place is different from anywhere else.
It's been three days when she enters, catching you off guard. It must be sunrise, or sunset, you don't keep track of the day anymore, but the sun is casting a light behind her, making her a silhouette, and you lightly wonder if she's an angel. But you don't see any wings, so you mentally scold yourself. Wings...the memory sticks in your mind like peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth. It's annoying, but oh so good, and you wonder why you remembered peanut butter. You catch a bit of a woman slipping you a peanut butter sandwich when you were suppose to be working outside. Then the memory is gone, though the wings still hangs at the edge of your mind, ready to make its assault. She stops dead in her tracks, and you can feel her eyes questioning you.
She asks if your lost, and you don't reply. You don't think you remember how to use your voice. She walks over slowly, cautiously, but when she turns you see she's wearing a smile on her face, and her voice has concern in it if she asks if you're okay again. Something inside you tells you to answer her idiot, and you open your mouth to say something but words fail you. You meet her eyes, and there's a look in her eyes you've never seen there before...at least not directed at you. She's showing compassion and kindness toward you. Last time you saw her, she eyed you with suspicion and cracked your jaw.
That's what triggers it, the memories. They flood back to you, and you feel like your drowning. It's only later when you wake up you realize you were. In your confusion of memories, you tipped forward and almost drowned in the pool. She dove in though, and pulled you out. However, at that moment, your concern is now you know what's wrong with the church. Last time you were here, there were flowers. You'd thought they were disgusting, and she was here with that little girl. You provoked her, and she attacked with a vengeance. It'd been a heated battle, and you wonder how you could've brought yourself to do those things. These memories trigger others, all the way back till when you first met him. When he told you he could make it all stop and be better. You accepted without thinking. But the last thing you see in your mind before slipping into unconsciousness was the way she looked when you had defeated her. How you had your arm poised to kill. However, the last thing you see with your eyes is her face trying to yank you to the surface of the pool
When you wake, she's there. You only wake for a second though, catching a few words she exchanges with an unseen presence. 'Church...pool...drowning...couldn't leave...don't worry...I'll take care...you go rest, Cloud.' It's then you slip into a dream state again. It's then you recall your memories, how everything started. You relive your life from the moment you met him and began to forget everything before. You don't remember where you lived, all you know is that it was out in the country, in the middle of nowhere. You remember only telling your mother once about the voice, and she shakes her head, saying it'll be okay. You recognize your mother as the woman who snuck you the sandwich, and peanut butter was your favorite; you regret leaving her. But the voice became insistent, pushing you towards going out to that cliff side that night. It was there you met him, he was cocky; you wonder if he's always been that way, or if it was just because he found out he was needed. He calls you brother, and tells you mother sent him to find you. He says she's been talking to you for a long time. You spat that you don't want her to talk to you, and that she isn't your mother. He just sort of grins, and apologizes. He says of course she isn't, but she might accidently hurt your real mother. You swallow, and you feel your stomach clench. You ask what he wants. He smiles, and you notice his eyes are strange. Green with cat-like slits for pupils. You shiver, but not from the wind. He answers. He tells you he can make the voice stop, all you have to do is come with him. You glance down towards the house behind you, and swallow again. Your throat is dry. She won't hurt them if you come with me, he says and you grimace. If he can make the voice stop, you can come back and everything will be okay. You ask if you can say goodbye, but he shakes his head no, saying she won't let you go if you say you're leaving. You nod your head, agreeing, and ask his name. He grins again, that cocky, king of the world grin, and states: Kadaj. You go to say your name, but he holds up his hand, silencing you. No, he states, your name doesn't matter. It's Loz now, and so are your memories.
You don't remember much after that, only how your body changes. You use to have black hair, now it's a silver gray you only use to associate with elders. You realize this is the way your hair should've always been. When you see yourself in the mirror now, you see your eyes have changed to match his. They use to be a blue; you remember your mother telling you once that they were so blue she lost your pupils in them. Now your pupils are vertical slits, and you recognize mako in your eyes. Your mother use to tell you mako was for the planet, and ShinRa stole it. Your body gets bigger. You use to be more wiry, not so much muscle, and slender. Now you have nothing but bulk, giant biceps where skinny arms use to be. In reality, those skinny arms had been well toned from working outside. Now you think they were pathetic. In fact, everything about your old self was pathetic, you say to yourself. You question if it's really you saying that, or Kadaj, or the voice in your head. It's a very demanding voice, and hardly ever stops. You ask Kadaj when he'll stop it, and he says soon. However, soon, you've gotten use to it, and it doesn't bother you as much. You learn how to use materia, and Kadaj fashions a weapon for your left arm. You don't understand much about it, except it has to prongs that can shoot forward, and electricity can run through it. Kadaj thinks you're funny when you marvel over this weapon. You ask Kadaj on several occasions who he is. He just sort of smiles at you, and states he's a remnant; a part of a better good. You ask him what you are, then. He just snorts, and walks away. As time goes, you tell Kadaj you don't mind the voice so much now. It's not as angry now that you listen to it. You do however, tell Kadaj you wish it would stop telling you to call it mother. You say you don't want to, that you miss your mother. Kadaj sort of glares at you with contempt and says that he thought we were past this. You shake your head, saying you won't go on if the voice doesn't stop it. Kadaj's eyes glare at you with full blown anger, something you rarely see from him, even if he is fickle. Something changes in him, though, and he gives you a smirk before placing his hand on your shoulder. You look at him, questioning what he's doing, before your eyes meet his.
It's then the flashes come in, memories that aren't your own, people you don't know, places you've never seen nor been, and yet, you know them all. You try to fight the onslaught, as you see a man that looks like Kadaj, and at the same time doesn't look like him, walking in flames. The last memory you grip to is that of your mother holding your hand when you're seven, and going to you're father's funeral. It's raining, and there aren't any people there but the priest, and your shoes squelch when you step, your feet sinking in the mud. The first place where you feel the water is your toes, and then it spreads, filling your shoe, kind of like the pain. When your father first died, you felt it only in your heart, and it didn't hurt so bad. Then it spread when the realization sunk in, the pain that gripped you so much, and you didn't understand how your father's death could cause physical pain. You don't understand why your head is on fire, nor why your fingers were numb as it overtook you. But when your mother took your hand, and sung a soft lullaby she hadn't sang since you'd been in your crib, everything felt okay. You believed your mother when she said your father was still there for you, and when she said we'd get through this okay. You remember how itchy the suit was, and how your mother had tied your bow tie to tightly around your throat. You kept pulling at it on the way home, thinking it would be okay. You're surprised when she takes this memory from you, because it's the most clear cut memory you've ever had of your past life. You hate yourself when she takes it from you and proclaims herself your mother now. You feel your real mother slipping away. The peanut butter, bow tying, lullaby singing mother who held your hand, and wiped your tears when you cried. You remember having that hole in your head when she finally leaves you completely, when this bestial creature takes her place. You remember telling yourself it was all right, when you knew it wasn't. For the longest time, Kadaj gave you disproving looks, and your 'mother' would mentally abuse you every time you thought or spoke the lullaby. You couldn't even remember it, except for a few words. It was when Kadaj was planning with 'mother' and you were on your motorcycle. It was so loud you couldn't hear yourself think or talk, so it was okay then. You'd utter it in a soft voice you didn't know you had until you spoke, and then wondered where it came from.
"Breathe my child, it's all okay.
Don't cry anymore, my love today."
You realize you hate your 'mother' in these moments, but soon forget. You can't forget this though, that for some strange reason, a voice in the back of your head tells you that your real mother was killed, and that she's dead.
A/N: This is something I recently came up with, inspired by second person POV, and by stories that say Yazoo/Loz may have survived...just a different take. Let me know if you like it.