There are things Alex still has trouble getting used to, even now, even after three and a half years. Drinking coffee that doesn't taste like old dish water, for one. Every time she gets up in the morning and pours herself a cup from the expensive coffee pot Piper insisted on purchasing, she wants to cry because it is rich and black and tastes well, how coffee should taste. She doesn't even bother to spoil it by adding cream or sugar because it's damn good as is. There's also showering with hot water and nothing on her feet and staying in there as long as she pleases and not having to worry about having stuff stolen and watching sunsets and sunrises and eating food that doesn't make her want to puke. The list could go on forever. Things that were stripped away from her, that little by little, were coming back.
Then there were the harder shit. Shit that made Alex question whether she had really left at all. She still slept with a bedside lamp on and found herself looking at her watch or a clock thinking it was time for count before she remembered and exhaled a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. There was the way she didn't trust people. She'd always been somewhat guarded but the walls went up much more quickly now and once they did, they didn't come down right away. It made her a damn good business woman (even if the business in question was one of the legal variety this time around) but got her labeled a cold bitch at times, leaving poor Piper to fumble for explanations for her terse behavior at dinner parties or business lunches.
What was most difficult for Alex to adjust to again was the hardest to explain. She couldn't really put her finger on it. After she'd been released, Alex had taken the money from her overseas bank accounts (the measly amount that hadn't been seized) and found a modest one bedroom apartment and a job bookkeeping through an old friend. She'd wake up, go to work, come home, eat and go to bed. It was a nice, boring existence and she loved every minute of it. Only a few times did she allow her mind to wander to Piper, where she was, what she was doing. They hadn't spoken much since shit had gone down with Aydin. Piper not believing her about being targeted, coupled with her asshole behavior as she was trying to be the Godfather of the panties, had been nails in the coffin of their relationship and Alex, in spite of still loving her, managed to keep her head down and resist the urge to play knight in shining armor every time Piper came running.
When she was released on parole again after Kubra's trial (in which he was thankfully found guilty), she thought a fresh start would be best and that included not allowing Piper to slip into the recesses of her mind (and banning Nicky from mentioning her at all during their weekly phone calls). She knew that Piper was due to get out shortly but Nicky had left it at that. All of that was well and good until one bitterly cold winter evening in Brooklyn, Alex heard a knock on her door and in spite of her wariness, opened it, shocked as to was standing on the other side when she'd peered through the peephole.
"Hi," Piper had simply said and even in her surprised state, Alex couldn't help but notice how beautiful and healthy she looked in an olive green down parka, her blonde hair loose and peppered with snowflakes. Gone were the dark circles Alex had grown accustomed to seeing under her eyes and the dull, almost greyish tint of her skin. She looked like the Piper Alex had fallen for a lifetime ago.
"I got your address from Nicky. I hope that was OK," she explained sheepishly. "I just really had to see you so I thought I'd take a chance...," she trailed off. "Can I come in or..."
And Alex, who for once in her life was at a loss for words, had stepped aside and allowed her inside the apartment.
The rest was history. Piper had ended up staying the night on the couch after talking for hours and Alex hadn't said much but that night had been a beginning. A reopening of their story but not the same fucked up version that seemed to be on repeat constantly. And in the months that followed, it became clear Piper Chapman had finally grown up. This meant Alex had to get to know her all over again but it didn't matter because Alex remembered why she'd been in love with the woman in the first place. Gone were the days of traveling all over the world and crazy, sleepless nights and Alex found herself perfectly content with how settled she felt, how peaceful everything was. Apparently, she had grown up too.
"Alex?" Piper's hand on her shoulder makes her jump a little. "Sorry," She soothes, kneading the muscle lightly under her fingertips. "You OK? You've been standing at the window, staring outside for the past fifteen minutes."
Inexplicably, she still feels the need to protect Piper. It was a reflex after all this time and the only thing they argued about these days. It was like she couldn't help it and Piper could usually see right through it. It was a goddamn gift with that woman.
"Everything's fine," She replies, hoping like hell she sounds casual because if she didn't, Piper would be immediately suspicious. "Just watching the snow fall," She adds, turning towards her with a feigned lightness in her tone.
Piper visibly relaxes. "Yeah, it's beautiful, isn't it? I remember winters like this in Connecticut. I could watch the snow for hours."
"We're in Westchester, Pipes. Same snow as in Connecticut, only more of it." Alex teases.
"Brat," Piper says fondly, snaking her arms around Alex's waist. "You know, I still can't get over the fact that this is our house. Like we own it. Together."
Alex knows what she means. It didn't feel like so long ago that they were starting over, repairing what Alex had been sure had been irrevocably broken, gradually sharing Alex's tiny apartment, then getting a bigger one with the success of Piper's self published fictional novel about prision and then graduating to the spacious four bedroom house with the rise of the publishing company they'd developed from the ground up. The house was exactly what they'd envisioned and they had agreed to make an offer as soon as they saw it. At first, Alex had a bit of a hard time adjusting to so much space but by decorating it together and working to make the rambling colonial feel warm and welcoming, it became a home. And while she would never be a domestic goddess, she couldn't help but feel a sense of pride at the life they'd created together. No easy money anymore, everything they had, they'd earned by honest hard work and Alex tended to think Diane was looking down at them, fucking beaming. She'd always claimed Piper was a keeper.
"How about you?" Alex is quick to change the subject. The other woman tended to get emotional over just about everything lately. The other night she had caught her sobbing over the ASPCA commerical (not that Alex could really blame her...that shit was depressing as hell) and she physically had to go and shut off the TV as Piper sat motionless on the couch, crying uncontrollably. It had taken awhile to comfort her and convince her to come to bed and when she finally did, all she could do was cling to Alex for dear life, still sniffling, punucated every now and then with a quiet, "But it was so sad!"
"How about me what? Oh, how am I feeling?" Piper presses her cheek to Alex's and she smells clean and faintly of Alex's lemon body scrub. "Much better. Not as nauseous for sure...that ginger thing Neri made for me really helped."
"Mhmmm," She murmurs distractedly. "That's great, babe."
"Al," Piper breaks contact and stands between her and the picture window. "I know things have been weird lately, I've been weird lately and I'm sorry. I promise I'm still the same Piper. Just a little more...hormonal, " She smiles. "But you'd tell me if something was wrong, right? I mean, we're past the point of lies and hiding things. We've come so far and I'd like to think you'd tell me if something was up."
If it was indeed true about glowing, then Piper was personifying it. Even in just a sweater and jeans, she's gorgeous and even in Alex's totally distracted state, she notices. Desire was never the issue with them.
Lying sucked and they'd made it a point when they got back together that it was all honesty from there on out. And Alex had had enough of game playing and deception to last a lifetime. There were some lies though, that were necessary. Alex knows this. She knows speaking up will ultimately hurt her beautiful girlfriend and with the way things are now, that is something Alex can't bare to do.
Forcing a smile, she adjusts her glasses. "Everything's fine. Stop worrying about me, OK?" She cups Piper's face in her hands, stroking her cheeks with the pads of her thumbs. "You have enough going on. Hey, why don't you put your feet up," She gestures to the couch, "And I'll make you some lunch."
Piper sighs. "I still have all these emails to answer. When I'm working from home, I actually should work, sweetie."
"Yeah, well, you also need to take it easy. Let me take care of you," Alex guides her to the plush sofa, pushing the button on the armrest to recline.
"You're always taking care of me," Piper pretends to grumble but she's smiling. She lets Alex cover her with an afghan. "Grilled cheese?" she requests.
"With tomato soup," Alex supplies, raising an eyebrow. "Don't you think after all these years, I know you, woman?"
"C'mere," When Alex obliges, she pulls her down with her. "I love you," she kisses her. "I hope you don't get tired of hearing it because I'll never stop telling you. " Piper takes her hand and places it on her swollen belly. "This little person is so lucky to have you."
Breathe, dammit. Alex has to remind herself. Her heart is pounding so furiously that she swears Piper will be able to hear it. Kissing her on top of the head, Alex manages to pull herself up. "I'll be back soon, OK?"
Instead of heading to the kitchen, she makes it as far as the foyer before she sinks down on the staircase, resting her head in the crook of her arm. "Fuck," she curses into the safety of her sleeve.
The thing is, she knew what the hardest thing to get used to was. It was something she'd been chasing her entire life. The thing that the more she craved, the more it seemed completely unattainable and just when she thought she finally had it, it would slip through her fingers. Maybe she doesn't deserve it. Maybe she was trained not to know what it was. And maybe, just maybe, she is fooling herself. Living a life that's really meant for someone else. Piper. A house. A baby.
Alex Vause isn't used to being happy. And it's fucking terrifying her.