A/N

YES, I WILL PROBABLY START UPDATING MY FICS AGAIN!

Unfortunatly, I have not gotten much typed up since November '08, when I last had internet at home. I honestly don't have much motivation when I can't post anything, anyway. But I have written tons, I just haven't managed to get it typed and on the computer.

Ginevra Molly Weasley, what possessed you to come out here?! I thought to myself as I sat down on this fallen tree. You're supposed to be in class, now! Do you have any idea what they are going to do to you when you come back?

Something howled. I shuddered.

Of course I wasn't afraid of anything in the forest. I'm far away from both the acromantula and centaur territories, I have a flute in my pocket in case fluffy decides to explore, full moon was three days ago, and I knew I wouldn't get lost…

I was afraid of them. You know who I'm talking about…the hoard of evil Death Eaters that run the school, now, and who use Cruciatus for detention. The idea of going back there just so I could be tortured was unappealing to say the least. That was the only thing that bothered me. I swear. That's it!

Grrr. Of course. That stupid little voice in my head that should be too hoarse to talk by this point refused to let me leave it at that. Sometimes I wish it could have a material form so that I could slap it. It won't even let me lie to myself.

It's not something big, the other thing itself. The biggest problem is the fact that it's on the list at all.

I dreaded facing him.

I shouldn't care. I should have gladly stopped this weeks ago. I should stop it now that I have the chance to disappear. The official story could be that I got eaten by something or the centaurs got to me. I shouldn't want to stay with him. I love someone else. I can't love him this way.

But I do.

I made a noise somewhere between a scream, a growl, and a moan and stood up. I began pacing in the small amount of space between the dense trees as I heard several birds fly away from the trees above me, frightened by the noise.

That's why I'm out here, in the Forbidden Forest, at two in the afternoon on a Wednesday. I couldn't take it. They (both groups of them, and there are two) all think I just decide to skive for no good reason every now and then, normally halfway through whichever lesson I happen to be in. But the fact that I don't want to change the status quo is always why I run away. I can deal with detention as long as I get times like this every week or two.

I.

Do.

The shoulds and coulds don't matter. I don't have absolute power over my emotions. What teenage girl does?

And the worst part is that I see nothing in him! I know him as the evil, annoying, timid, self-absorbed little prat that he is! It's not like I see some nonexistent redeeming quality in him, like most lovesick teenagers do. I see nothing! No glimmer of good deep in his soul; no true kindness, even to the people closest to him. Nothing!

But I care about him anyway. Love really is blind.

But, really, this isn't even blindness! If I had to say one nice thing about him it's that he's good looking. Blindness has nothing to do with it. But I don't give a damn about how someone looks if they act horrible.

At least, I hadn't before this year.

I screamed/growled/moaned again and kicked the tree I'd been sitting on. It moved a few centimeters.

Great, now my toe hurts, I thought.

That was when I realized I had this in my pocket. I sat back down on the tree, pulled it out with a quill and some ink and started writing.

Stupid, isn't it, that I would keep this with me at all times? What with the life I've been living, I would be in danger if I even left it out here, in the middle of the forest, where no one could find it. It's just a habit I picked up in first year. Ha ha…if I were normal, I'd be avoiding diaries at all costs, because of first year. But I just can't resist writing things down. And what are the chances that'll happen again, really?

Alright, well, enough rambling. I'm sure you want to know what the hell it is that I'm talking about. I'll start at the beginning, the part you already know.

You-Know-Who took over the Ministry this summer and made Severus Snape the headmaster of Hogwarts. Because of this, we now have three teachers who are Death Eaters (if you include him) and a lot of the subjects have been changed to much Darker things. Cruciatus is now a routine punishment. Luna, Neville, and I have resurrected the D.A. as a defense mechanism. Neville takes Harry's place, with Luna and me replacing my brother and Hermione. Neville has been living in the Room of Requirement for a while. He barely ever comes out, and then only to free first years and put up our graffiti. But when he gets caught, there's Hell to pay. Luna and I have been living there for a few weeks, as well, but we still go to lessons. Usually.

But you already know all that. Now, for the real story.

A few weeks after Luna and I moved into the Room, the three of us were talking…well, talking might not be the right word for it…more like planning. We all agreed that we needed to have someone on the inside. Someone who could tell us what they were thinking, what they were planning. We needed to know the whos whats whens wheres whys and hows. We needed a spy who could give them to us. Someone we could trust not to divulge anything to them, too. There was only one problem.

We couldn't trust anybody!

The only people we knew we could trust were…well, us! And we knew no one would believe it if one of us suddenly wanted to be a Death Eater. And there was absolutely no way we could ever trust anyone who did want to join up.

We talked it over for hours, and then Luna and I skipped breakfast so we could keep talking. Finally, we came up with a solution. A solution that none of us were overly fond of. But we could deal with it. We would have to.

I would have to get one of them (now it's the other them that I was talking about earlier, the Slytherins) to go out with me.

I'm prettier than Luna; she pointed it out herself, and pretty certainly helps in this situation. I've also dated half of Gryffindor House, by this point, and Luna had only ever gone to one party, and that was with a friend. But, most importantly, despite that stupid little voice, I am the best actress.

You can probably see what's coming now. It's just so obvious. But I'll keep going anyway. And, no, I haven't had sex with him.

Yet.

And I don't particularly want to…well, I do, but the cons definitely outweigh the pros on this. See below…

Before I could even think of this working though, I had to start playing my part. For a month I acted, slowly distancing myself from Luna (publicly) to the point where it seemed that we absolutely hated each other, eventually sleeping in my own dorm rather that the Room; getting more and more enthusiastic about Dark Arts class; my clothes getting darker and skimpier, along with my make-up getting thicker and blacker; getting higher grades in Muggle Studies; being meaner to the other Gryffindors and nicer to the Slytherins. Making occasional M word jokes. It was hard to lie 24/7 like that.

It still is.

Once I was fully satisfied that they were fooled, I started flirting. With every male Slytherin above fourth year. It made me feel disgusting, but it had to be done.

I started to evaluate them.

Who would be easiest to fool?

Who would talk first?

Who was the most popular?

Who would I not mind being seen with? (I wanted to retain some dignity)

Who would be the least disgusting to kiss?

Who would be the most compatible with the new me?

Who would be most likely to say yes?

Who wasn't a sadistic bastard?

It took two weeks to decide.

I had a list of names, I don't remember the order, I just remember that Blaise Zabini was at the top, and Draco Malfoy was second. They would have been equal if not for that last question. Crabbe and Goyle were third and fourth. I refused to sink that low.

Blaise said no before I got the second word out. I tried to fake tears, but it didn't work very well, so I ran to the loo with my hands covering my face, and once I got there I dripped water down it. No one would be able to tell that it wasn't tears that made my eyeliner run down my face. I wiped most of it off, like I was wiping my face, but not all of it came and I was left with smears of black running across it.

Perfect, I thought.

I stayed in there until just after our first lesson started. Muggle Studies with them. Everyone saw me coming in (wiping my face again for good measure) sniffle quietly the whole time, and not look up until it was time to go.

Three weeks later, I tried plan B, expecting Draco to say no, of course.

I was thoroughly shocked when he didn't. The very first time I asked.

I managed to fake a thrilled little-girl-like scream and (cringing internally) threw my arms around him.

I didn't ask about things right away. I gave it a few days. Then I only asked small things, and always said something to the effect of "they don't tell us Gryffindors whether…" to disguise them. It took a long time for me to be sure it was safe to ask about some of the major things, like things about the Carrows, and even You-Know-Who himself.

By the third week, he was trying to get me into the Slytherin common room. By the fourth, he succeeded. I was instantly popular. That complicated things. I would have to use a hell of a lot of Memory Charms to make this go away, now.

That was when I realized that I wasn't too happy about the thought of making it go away. Sure, I was thrilled at the idea of not pretending anymore, and I would love to see Neville, again, but oddly, I didn't want to stop.

Oh, I still hated him. I couldn't stand him. I still can't. I know what a disgusting person he is.

But the thought of leaving him destroys me.

Sometimes I wonder if I should be in the closed ward with Lockhart and Neville's parents. There's definitely something wrong with me. I'd probably be safer there, too. If someone finds out about our scheme here I'm sure to be killed.

Slowly.

But, anyway…

Like I said earlier, we haven't had sex, yet, and I hope it stays that way, because I'm fairly sure he would leave a mark. Or ten. I said he was a sadistic bastard. He's abusive enough without adding S&M to it, too. Oh, right, you don't know about that, yet…

Two weeks after the common room incident (about a month ago, now), he got mad at a professor for something stupid like giving us too much homework or something like that. But he'd been building up anger for a while. He snapped.

He didn't hit me, but I had three bruises on my arms and five scratches on my back the next day, anyway. And sore lips. I'll let you figure out the rest.

I have absolutely no clue why I don't want to leave him. I'm irrational. I know.

I'll have to go back there, soon. It's getting dark, already. I'll probably burn this so nobody can find it. I'm already terrified that there's someone using Legilimency in the Slytherin common room, I don't need written evidence, too. I can only keep up my Occlumency for the time of a lesson. And if anyone ever found this…well, like I said: Slowly.

Well, anyway, bye.

I am so sorry I have only posted one thing in the last eighteen months or so. It's kinda hard to post anything when you don't have internet. But I'm back now!

Please review! I'm begging you, PLEASE?