Yay to Roman for letting me do this & beta-ing it :D.
Disclaimer - I don't own CATS, and I'm pretty sure Roman owns the mop...
The mop didn't like what had happened to it. It hadn't appreciated being used as a form of relief for the silver and black tabby, or almost being used by the other cat, the mostly black one that had leopard spots on random places on his chest, wrists and ankles. The black and leopard one had called the other one Munkustrap. Both of those cats would pay. Just as soon as the mop worked out exactly how it would be able to do it.
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Tugger had moved towards Munkustrap as though he wanted to replicate Munkustrap's actions towards the mop actually on Munkustrap, making the tabby yowl with terror as he approached. He had never seen the silver tabby move as fast as he did then. The Protector of the tribe had somehow managed to untangle himself, stand up and run up the stairs faster than a bolt of lightning on steroids. The mop had fallen to the floor as Tugger chuckled to himself at his ability to freak out even the most stable of cats. He casually left the house and began walking towards the Jellicle Junkyard, but not before he glanced up at one of the upstairs windows just in time to see Munkustrap sink down with relief that Tugger hadn't been able to actually do anything to him.
"Hey, Misto, what's the buzz?" Tugger quipped as he entered the yard and saw the small tux with his paws full of bright blue lightning.
"I'm trying to figure out how to animate objects," Mistoffelees replied. He shot the lightning at one of Macavity's 'Wanted' posters, but the paper burnt into a few small bits of ash on contact with the magic. "Dammit!"
"Why don't you try something a bit less … flammable?" Tugger suggested.
"Like what?"
"That mirror over there?"
"It's probably not a very good idea, I don't know what'll happen," Mistoffelees said hesitantly.
"Chicken," Tugger muttered, loud enough for the smaller cat to hear.
The tux glared at him for a second before filling his paws with magic once again. He shot it at the mirror and ducked almost immediately as the magic rebounded off it. It flew out of the junkyard at roughly the same speed that Munkustrap had left the kitchen earlier that day.
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The mop was lying on the floor where it had fallen and considering its current situation. It couldn't very well get up on its own, unless someone picked it up or cast a spell to animate it. Without warning, a bolt of bright blue magic flew through the open back door and hit the mop. The mop shook for a few seconds before becoming still once again. It reconsidered its current situation. It twitched its strings and flexed its handle. Apparently it could now get up on its own. It heard movement and froze.
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Munkustrap walked cautiously downstairs, making sure that Tugger hadn't doubled back to wait for him. He peeked around the kitchen door and saw nothing different to the scene he had fled from half an hour ago. He gave the mop a dirty look as he passed it, and he could have sworn that the mop returned it. He paused, and then kicked it for good measure. The mop kicked him back. Munkustrap yelped in shock and jumped backwards as the mop stood up on its strings. He lashed out with his claws and the mop lashed out with its strings. Munkustrap hissed as the mop waved its strings threateningly. He turned and sprinted out of the back door as fast as he could, the mop in hot pursuit.
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"So where d'you think it went?" Tugger asked Mistoffelees conversationally. They had told the other cats that were in the yard what had happened with the runaway magic, and they hoped that Munkustrap would arrive soon so that they could tell him about it.
"I have no idea," the small tux answered.
"If it hit something, would that something be able to move on its own?" Mungojerrie asked.
"I dunno," Mistoffelees shrugged. "It didn't work the other times I tried it."
"Yeah, but the other times you tried it on paper," Tugger pointed out.
A distant yowl broke the relative quiet in the yard, and the cats all turned towards the source of the disturbance.
"I hope that wasn't the magic…" Mistoffelees said quietly.
"MISTOFFELEES!" someone screeched.
"Oops…"
"Misto, get your magical little arse over here right now!"
"Was that…?" Mungojerrie trailed off.
"Munkustrap?" Tugger finished for him.
"I'd better go…" Mistoffelees said slowly.
"Not without me!" Tugger said with a snort of laughter. "I want to know what's gotten our grand Protector all wound up and ready to squeal!"
Mistoffelees sniggered as he used his magic to transport himself and Tugger over to where Munkustrap was. When the blue light faded, the small conjuror couldn't help but snigger even more at the scene in front of him. Munkustrap had been cornered by a mop. Tugger's mouth dropped open as he recognised the mop and realised the reason that it had attacked the silver tabby.
"Err, Misto, perhaps you'd better undo the spell," Tugger said.
"Would if I could," Mistoffelees managed to say through his laughter. "Why's it after him?"
"You don't want to know," Munkustrap's voice said from behind the mop. "Just undo the spell!"
"I don't know how," Mistoffelees confessed, still laughing.
"How can you not know?" Munkustrap was starting to sound slightly desperate. The mop suddenly charged towards him and he only just managed to dodge in time to avoid getting mopped. He joined the other two toms as the mop prepared to charge again. It paused for a moment and it seemed to be regarding the new arrivals. It straightened up slightly when it noticed Tugger, who began backing away slowly.
"You sure you don't know how to undo it?" he asked, sounding more desperate than Munkustrap had.
"Nope."
"Crap!" he yelled as the mop charged at him, completely ignoring Mistoffelees. He dodged around it as Mistoffelees continued to giggle helplessly at the scene in front of him.
"Can't you do anything?" Munkustrap asked.
"I c-could try some … something …" Mistoffelees forced out between giggles. "But I'm not … not sure if it w-would work…"
"Try it anyway!"
Munkustrap yelped as the mop charged at him again. Mistoffelees collapsed on the ground as another wave of laughter washed over him. He looked up and tried to aim, but his eyes were watering so much that he could barely see. His paws filled with magic once again, he held them out in front of him, and the blue light flew straight towards the mop. It hit its target, and the mop disappeared from sight. The two victims sighed with relief, and Mistoffelees had to take several deep breaths before he could speak coherently enough for the other cats to understand what he was saying.
"Why was it after you?" he asked, the laughter in his voice still very prominent.
"Well, it sort of …" Munkustrap began, then trailed off.
"Sort of what?" Mistoffelees asked. The other two toms grimaced as they caught each other's eye.
"Well, the humans …" Tugger's turn to trail off.
"Just get on with it," Mistoffelees sighed, rolling his eyes.
"Well, you know how Jemima just … sort of … well … just … well … went into heat for the first time…" Munkustrap began awkwardly once again.
"Yes?" Mistoffelees prompted.
"Well-"
"WILL YOU STOP BLOODY WELL SAYING 'WELL'!" Mistoffelees shouted.
"You just said it," Tugger pointed out.
"That's beside the point," Mistoffelees sniffed. "Continue, please."
"W-" Tugger began, but stopped when he saw the look on Mistoffelees' face. "Uhh … the humans sort of … used it to clean up after her…"
"And…?"
"And it kind of … you know …"
"No, I don't know."
"It sort of …" Munkustrap tried. "Sort of smelled of her… and we …"
"We …" Tugger attempted to pick up where Munkustrap had left off. He grimaced and hid his face in his paws. "You know how a queen in heat smells?"
"Yeah…" Mistoffelees said slowly, before he registered what Munkustrap had said. "Heaviside, you didn't, did you?"
"We did," Munkustrap cringed, also hiding his face in his paws.
Mistoffelees stared at them open-mouthed for a moment before a snort escaped him and he once again collapsed laughing. The other two exchanged annoyed looks at the smaller cat's reaction, neither of them finding the situation the least bit humorous. Mistoffelees seemed to turn suddenly serious, and he seemed about to speak until he actually looked at the other two toms and another set of giggles exploded out from him.
"What?" Tugger asked, thoroughly annoyed.
"It's not … it's not actually gone, so to speak," Mistoffelees managed to stammer, before the giggles took hold of him once again.
"How d'you mean, 'it's not gone'?" Munkustrap asked.
"It's only … a few … a few miles away, at the most..."
"WHAT!" both Munkustrap and Tugger yelled, making Mistoffelees' giggles even worse.
"I can't make stuff disappear completely," the small tux told the two with glee. "It'll be really annoyed when it finds its way back."
"Speaking of getting back, shouldn't we?" Tugger asked, hoping to get Mistoffelees forget what he had just been told. No such luck.
"I don't know," Mistoffelees said, sounding deadly serious. "Laughter can affect magic. It makes it go a bit stringy…"
He collapsed in giggles again, and Munkustrap and Tugger exchanged annoyed looks before grabbing the smaller cat's ears and using them to yank him upright.
"Listen, Twinkle-toes," Tugger began threateningly. "You get us back there or else."
"Or else what?" Mistoffelees asked. "Are you going to string me up by my tail? Or force me to get a different handle on things?"
The tux took great joy in watching the other cats' faces as he emphasised each word that had anything to do with mops. Tugger yanked hard on the ear he was holding, making Mistoffelees go up on his toes to avoid having said ear ripped off.
"Get us back there, or we'll tie you up as bait for it," Munkustrap said.
"What's the point in making me the bait? It's not me it's after," Mistoffelees pointed out, a smug smirk finding its way onto his white features. Tugger flicked his nose. Hard.
"Get us back to the clearing. Now," he growled.
"It's not my fault you're too lazy to walk," Mistoffelees muttered under his breath, before using his magic to get them all back to the clearing.
"What the hell took you so long?" Alonzo demanded once they appeared back in the clearing. "We thought Macavity and his mob had taken you to the cleaners."
Mistoffelees promptly burst out laughing. Again. Munkustrap and Tugger glared at him for a moment before letting go of his ears. Mistoffelees dropped to the ground, his legs too weak from laughter to support him.
"Okay…" Plato said slowly. "Anyone care to tell us why Twinkle-toes here is having hysterics?"
"Don't call me Twinkle-toes," Mistoffelees managed to say, before he collapsed in yet more giggles.
"No, we wouldn't care to tell you," Tugger answered, completely ignoring the small tux.
"Aww, why not?" Mistoffelees asked, a wicked grin on his face as he managed to tame his laughter so that it was little more than the occasional snigger. "It'd make a great bed-time story for the kittens…"
"You even think about telling them and I'll paint your fur bright pink," Munkustrap hissed in his ear.
"Alright, alright, I won't tell them," Mistoffelees said. "Pink isn't my colour, anyway. It makes me look a bit washed-out…"
Tugger smacked the smaller cat upside the head as Munkustrap glared. He was very good at glaring, most cats backed down when he glared at them. Most dogs did too, actually. That's partly why he had been so shocked at the mop coming to life – something dared to glare back at him!
"Has he been at the catnip or something?" Rumpleteazer asked Munkustrap.
"Or something," Munkustrap replied, grimacing. He turned back to Tugger and Mistoffelees. "So what're we going to do about our 'little problem'?"
"Yeah," Tugger said, giving Mistoffelees a threatening look. "What are we going to do?"
"I dunno," Mistoffelees giggled. "It's you two with the problem."
"You're the one who caused it."
"Yeah, but if it wasn't for you two doing what you did in the first place, it wouldn't be your problem."
"Hey, I'm not the one who actually managed to finish!" Tugger protested.
"What didn't you manage to finish, dear?" Jennyanydots asked kindly. "Perhaps we could help?"
A grimace found its way onto Mistoffelees' face at the images he thought up to accompany that offer. Tugger and Munkustrap glanced at each other, obviously with the same pictures in their minds as Mistoffelees.
"Thanks, but that won't be necessary," Munkustrap said to the concerned queen.
"Are you sure? Because Skimbleshanks is very good with his-"
"It really doesn't matter," Munkustrap tried to assure her, not wanting to find out what the railway cat could do.
"What's Skimble good with?" Tugger asked curiously.
"It's funny you should ask that, because-" Jennyanydots began.
"We should get going, Tugger; the humans are expecting us," Munkustrap cut her off loudly with a look that told Tugger to 'never, ever, ask that question again!'
"But we just left the house," Tugger pointed out, completely missing the look.
"Err… guys…" Mistoffelees started.
"What?" Tugger and Munkustrap asked at the same time.
"It's coming back. You've got about five minutes before it gets here."
"What's 'it'?" Admetus asked.
"Oh, nothing," Munkustrap said, unconvincingly. "Alonzo, get everyone out to that junk pile in the north-west corner, and stay there until we tell you to come back."
"Why?" Alonzo asked suspiciously.
"Do you want Mistoffelees to change you into a pink rabbit?"
Alonzo looked at the magician in question. The tux looked deadly serious, apart from the odd little glitter in his eyes. That odd little glitter made Alonzo paranoid about what Mistoffelees was planning.
"Not particularly," Alonzo answered, still eyeing the magician warily.
"Then take everyone to the junk pile and make sure they stay there," Munkustrap repeated.
The cats exchanged curious looks as they turned and left the clearing, all of them wondering why the three remaining toms were acting as strangely as they were. As soon as the tribe was out of sight, Mistoffelees turned to Munkustrap.
"A pink rabbit?" he asked.
"Well I had to give him some incentive to go," Munkustrap shrugged.
Mistoffelees grinned as he imagined what Alonzo would look like with pink fur and big, floppy ears. It might even suit him, Mistoffelees thought.
About two minutes passed before Tugger broke the silence.
"What're you going to do to it, anyway?" he asked Mistoffelees. He wasn't the curious cat for nothing.
"I'm going to blow it up," Mistoffelees replied, a wicked grin on his face and a slightly mad glitter in his eyes.
"Okay then…" Munkustrap said slowly.
He edged away from Mistoffelees as the tux began eagerly looking around for something to destroy. Preferably something that would explode, but he wasn't picky. Tugger began looking for any signs that the mop was on its way, occasionally sniffing the air for any warning of its arrival. Something suddenly clicked from his last encounter with the mop.
"Hang on a minute," Tugger said. "You remember when the mop was here earlier?"
"Yeah," Munkustrap and Mistoffelees replied, the latter breaking off from his search to find something to blow up, the former merely curious about what Tugger could be thinking about. Actually, to be more precise, he was just curious about what could get Tugger to think about something that didn't involve himself or any queens.
"It was different to how it was before."
"What, as in it was moving? I had noticed that," Munkustrap sighed, rolling his eyes and silently asking the Everlasting Cat: 'why me?'
"No, not that it was moving," Tugger said, silently asking the same question that Munkustrap was. "Something was different about it. I can't quite put my paw on it, though."
"It wasn't quite the same," Munkustrap agreed.
Mistoffelees sighed. Looking up at the sky, he asked what he could possibly have done in a past life to warrant being lumbered with two cats as slow as the two in front of him.
"It didn't smell of a queen in heat," he told the other two, speaking slowly like he would to a newborn kitten.
He could almost hear the wheels in their heads turning. The two toms both looked like they'd had a sudden 'light bulb moment'.
"I know what it was! I know what it was!" Munkustrap said, practically jumping up and down in his excitement. "It didn't smell like a queen in heat!"
"Oh yeah!" Tugger exclaimed.
'Why me?' Mistoffelees asked the Everlasting Cat. 'I hope like Hell that, whatever I did in my past life, I enjoyed it, 'cause I'm definitely paying for it now.'
"I wonder why…?" Munkustrap asked thoughtfully.
"Maybe my magic did something to it," Mistoffelees suggested.
"Hey, maybe Misto's magic did something to it!" Tugger told Munkustrap excitedly.
"You know, you could be on to something there…" Munkustrap said.
Mistoffelees put his face in his paws and shook his head, closing his eyes with the vague hope that when he opened them the other two toms would have either gone or gained a few extra brain cells. When he gave up playing a private game of 'anywhere but here', he looked up to see a very long, very thin shadow fall on a broken television. The shadow climbed up the pile until the mop came into view. Mistoffelees had been about to warn Tugger and Munkustrap, but he thought better of it – he wanted to see their reactions.
The mop crept forwards until it was right behind its two victims. Mistoffelees could have sworn that it winked at him; the only thing that disproved his theory was that the mop didn't have eyes. It reached up two strings and lightly tapped the two toms on their shoulders. They looked around and froze when they saw it.
"Eep!" Munkustrap squeaked.
The toms glanced at each other before sprinting off in opposite directions. The mop turned to Mistoffelees.
"Pick one," he shrugged.
It titled its handle to him before going off in the same direction as Tugger, intent on getting at least one of the cats that had tried to rape it. Mistoffelees sat down on the tyre and began counting down from ten under his breath.
"…Five, four, three, two, one-"
"MISTO!"
Mistoffelees smirked to himself as Tugger's panicked yelp rang out through the junkyard. The sound was almost instantly followed by the black and leopard tom running full speed back into the clearing, the mop hot on his heels.
"You just sat there and let it come after me!" Tugger yelled indignantly.
"Yep," Mistoffelees said cheerfully, grinning as the larger tom swatted at the mop.
"And you're still just sitting there when it's right in front of you!"
"Yep."
"Just blow it up already!"
"Nope."
"Why not?"
"I can't be bothered."
With that Mistoffelees curled up on the tyre, facing away from Tugger and letting a wicked smile spread across his face as he listened to Tugger try and fight the mop off.
"Just get rid of it already!" Tugger yelled.
"Why?" Mistoffelees asked, looking over at the mop's chosen victim. "It's just a mop, what damage can it do?"
The mop stopped trying to attack Tugger and turned to face the magician, looking for all the world like that last comment had offended it in some way. Mistoffelees slowly stood up, noticing how the mop seemed insulted at what he had said. He looked around for a way out of the attack he just knew was coming his way. The mop charged, causing its new victim to jump first onto the pipe, and then up onto the old oven. It stamped its strings and spun around to face Tugger again, determined to make at least one of the cats pay for assuring that it was going to need therapy in a few year's time.
Mistoffelees gathered his magic in his paws and let it fly at the mop. It hit its target and the mop exploded into a thousand tiny pieces, as he had hoped. Unfortunately for the cats, it had exploded into a thousand tiny mops, each with the same agenda they had had when they were all one mop.
Munkustrap chose that moment to walk back into the clearing, having heard the bang the magic made and assuming that the mop was gone. The scene in front of him would have made him start laughing, had he not been so terrified of the mop. Or, more accurately, the mops. One tuxedoed magical cat, one black and leopard print cat with a huge mane, and a thousand miniature mops all turned to stare at him as he entered. How the mini-mops managed to stare at him, he never figured out. All he knew was that he was in worse trouble then he had been in before, and that the small tux had made it worse.
"Misto, you do know that if we get out of this, I'm going to skin you and make your fur into toys for the kittens, don't you?" Munkustrap asked conversationally.
"And I'll sell the rest of you for catnip," Tugger added.
"I'm too small, you'd never get a decent amount out of me," Mistoffelees pointed out.
"I have my methods," Tugger said threateningly. "I can make stuff last as long-"
He was cut off by a thousand mini-mops attacking him at once. The force of it knocked him over, and all the other two could see was a pile of wannabe mops covering the struggling form of a cat. Muffled shouting came from within the pile, but neither of the onlookers could work out what was being shouted.
"Do something, then!" Munkustrap snapped at Mistoffelees, who seemed transfixed by the sight in front of him.
"Oh – right – umm…" he stammered.
He held out his paws and the mops were all lifted into the air, apparently against their will, judging by how much they were struggling to get free. Tugger was lying on the ground, too stunned to move on his own, so Munkustrap had to pull him up by his mane.
"They – it – went – with the – and the-" Tugger stuttered, apparently unable to talk coherently enough for the other two to understand.
Munkustrap hauled him over to an old chair, and Mistoffelees gave him a boost with his magic from across the clearing to get him onto the chair. Munkustrap jumped up after him, about half a second before the mops came crashing back down to the ground.
The mops ran straight over to the chair with the two cats on, and they tried jumping up to get them, but couldn't reach. They took several paces back and a few of them tried taking running jumps at the chair. The ones that tried didn't succeed, and went back to the others. They formed a small circle and appeared to be planning something. The circle broke apart and a few of the mops moved forwards so that they were at the base of the chair. Another few mops climbed on top of the first group.
"Err, Misto…" Munkustrap called across the clearing.
"Don't look at me; I don't know how to stop them!" Mistoffelees called back. "I can't think of anything that might work!"
"You could try asking nicely!"
"What good will that do?"
"I don't know!" Munkustrap yelled, sounding distinctly panicked. "I'm not the flipping magician, you are!"
"For the love of the Everlasting Cat!" Mistoffelees exclaimed. "Would you mops just stop moving already!"
The mops turned to face him, pausing momentarily in their attack.
"Please?"
As one, they collapsed on the ground, no longer animated. Munkustrap and Mistoffelees both sighed with relief; Tugger was still in too much shock to notice.
"I guess 'please' really is a magic word," Munkustrap remarked dryly as he climbed down from he chair to inspect the mops.
He and Mistoffelees began shifting the mops, hiding them in small gaps in the junk where the other cats wouldn't find them. Tugger still hadn't moved, and he seemed to be mouthing the word 'mops' over and over again.
Munkustrap pulled Tugger down from the chair and asked him what had happened when the mops attacked him. Tugger just shook his head and started muttering under his breath, looking around the yard with the same paranoid expression Demeter often wore during the Jellicle Balls.
Mistoffelees and Munkustrap never did find out exactly what happened with the mops, and it was probably safer for their sanity that they didn't know.
Munkustrap steered Tugger back to their human house, and it was only when they got there that Munkustrap realised something – the humans were now missing a mop, and they were going to wonder about its sudden disappearance. He thought that he'd just let them ask questions and leave them to go out and buy a new one.
They arrived back at the house and were met by a blocked cat-flap. Munkustrap meowed at the door, and it was opened by the human kitten.
"Sorry about that, Charlie," she said, using Munkustrap's human name. "Millie's just come back from the vets and she's not allowed out for a few days."
Munkustrap led the near-catatonic Tugger upstairs to the room the three cats of the house shared, and they entered to find Jemima curled up in her basket. She looked up curiously as Munkustrap guided Tugger to his basket before lying down in his own.
"What happened to him?" she asked, indicating the black and leopard print tom.
"He's just had a bit of a shock," Munkustrap told her. She was about to ask something, but Munkustrap cut her off. "You really don't want to know."
Everything seemed to be alright, with each of the cats in their own baskets. That is, everything was alright, until Tugger sat bolt upright in his basket screaming "THE MOPS ARE COMING TO GET ME!"
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