A/N: Hurray for hypocrisy. I never thought I'd be writing an R-rated (or M-rated, if you must) fanfiction until I'd started on that vampire fic, but here I am anyway. This story doesn't contain any explicit sexual material, though there are some mature themes present, and hence the rating.

I'd appreciate any comments you can give me, especially because this is my third yaoi fic (consider this your official warning, this is Horo x Ren YAOI) to date, and also the first time I've actually put two guys in bed together. As it's a one-shot it's not my best writing, but I like to believe it's tolerable.

Only fair to warn you: the rating is also for language and attempted suicide.

If you're interested in my other HoroRen works, they include "Rescue Me," which is novel-like in its length, and "A Whisper in the Night," another one-shot.

Thanks for reading. Enjoy! -MeeLee

Behind Closed Doors

BEGIN

Dawn will break soon, Usui Horokeu thought to himself as he lay back in bed, looking up at the dark ceiling of his bedroom. Actually, he reflected, it wasn't really his bedroom—it was Ren's, though in the past few months they had gradually stopped distinguishing each other's territory.

A slight shifting of the odd weight on his shoulder got his attention, and he turned his head just in time to let a sleeping Tao Ren snuggle even closer to him. The Chinese currently had an arm carelessly draped across the Ainu's chest, and with his usually sinister golden eyes now hidden beneath delicate lashes, he reminded Horohoro very much of a child. The Ainu could not help but smile at the simple beauty of his lover.

Horohoro shifted, turning more toward Ren and wrapping one arm protectively around the other shaman. In the process he became aware of the mess they had made earlier that night, and he sighed softly to himself. They would have to change the bedsheets again, and frankly he was surprised that none of their friends had found it odd that two previously anti-laundry shaman had suddenly become so interested in cleaning the sheets.

Of course, Horohoro was sure that some people did suspect the truth. Kyouyama Anna, for example, had for the past couple of months been giving them odd looks that clearly said that she knew something was up. Usui Pilika and Tao Jun often gossiped in the hallways, giggling and looking pointedly in their direction. And Chocolove had lately gotten into the annoying habit of saying that Horohoro and Ren "fought like a couple."

Horohoro sighed again, reaching over to stroke Ren's violet hair. Sometimes he still found it hard to believe that they had ended up where they were, but given what had happened a few months before, he supposed it was only right. After all the fear, the anger, the indirect confessions—a relationship was the only result. Sex was an afterthought.

He did not like to remember what had happened, but sometimes he would allow the memory to play in his mind anyway just to remind himself of what he had. And so, leaning his head back on the pillow and looking once again up at the ceiling, Horohoro remembered.

"Gosh, Ryu," Oyamada Manta said, leaning back in his chair and patting his gorged stomach. "You really know how to cook!"

Anna crossed her arms. "I suppose in the long run he had to be good at something," she remarked flatly, causing the smile that had formed on Bokutou no Ryu's face to crash to the floor.

"You don't mean that," the tall shaman protested.

"Of course I do."

Chocolove laughed. "Anna's got a point, you know," he said. "I mean, what else do you do around the house other than eat, sleep, and drink sake until you pass out?"

Ryu frowned. "At least I don't crack stupid jokes," he pointed out.

A vein popped in Chocolove's forehead and he shot up from his seat. "You take that back!"

"Make me!"

Usui Horokeu, seated at the other end of the table, sighed and decided to stay out of it as he grabbed the nearest plate and offered it to the shaman seated next to him. "Ren, you want some—Ren?"

Tao Ren was currently seated with his arms crossed across his chest, head dipped slightly down and eyes closed. He had not touched his food, and Horohoro noticed that the other shaman's hands were trembling. The Ainu frowned. "Ren, something wrong?"

Still the Chinese shaman did not reply. At the other end of the table, Ryu and Chocolove's tempers had erupted.

"Yeah, well, you've got the most screwed-up haircut this side of town!"

"And you've got a bird's nest on your head!"

Horohoro was surprised to see Ren's fists clench in his lap.

"I could kick your ass blindfolded!"

"I could kick yours with both hands tied behind my back!"

Ren gritted his teeth, squeezing his eyes even more tightly shut. His entire body was now trembling, as if he was desperately trying to shut out the argument that was now ringing in everyone's ears.

"Oh—you're gonna get it now!"

"Bring it on!"

Horohoro blinked and reached out to touch Ren's shoulder. "Hey, Ren—" He felt rather than saw Ren's body spring to life; in the next instant something exploded in his head and he was suddenly sitting on the floor, his chair overturned, the side of his face smarting, with Tao Ren standing over him, fist still cocked.

Silence descended in the room; even Ryu and Chocolove, who were currently at each other's throats, turned to stare at Ren as he stood trembling over the Ainu. For a long time no one dared to speak; Horohoro pressed a hand gingerly to his swelling cheek and looked up at Ren, whose golden eyes were currently hidden beneath purple locks.

Presently Jun stepped hesitantly forward. "Ren—"

Her little brother suddenly turned and the table was sliced cleanly in half by a gleaming kwan dao. "You foul simple-minded bastards!" he screamed at the top of his lungs, and then he spun and sprinted out of the room. A few seconds later they all heard a door slam in the distance.

Almost immediately Horohoro was surrounded by people, all trying to pull him up, asking if he was all right. He was still slightly dazed from the blow and had a hard time putting together what had just happened, and so he quickly excused himself and trudged up to his bedroom, flopping down on the bed and trying to gather his thoughts.

The first thing he realized was that, even though Ren had struck him without reason, he felt no anger toward the other shaman. Somehow he had known even before he had reached out to Ren that he was bound to get hurt; Ren's furious trembling had attested to that. Therefore regarding the whole event Horohoro knew that he was as much to blame as Ren was.

Still, he could not understand why Ren had been so angry. Arguments started over the dinner table every day, and most of them ended with someone saying something particularly stupid, whereas everyone would laugh and the atmosphere would immediately lighten again. Today Horohoro had expected nothing different, and yet Ren had seemed so utterly furious, as if every word that had slipped out of Ryu and Chocolove's mouths had driven him to even greater levels of rage. The Ainu knew that his friend was normally annoyed by everyone's talk, but he had never shown so much anger before.

Come to think of it, this wasn't the first time Ren had lost his temper. He had been acting particularly peeved and irritable the past few weeks, and spent a lot more time locked alone in his room. Some nights Horohoro could hear pacing footsteps coming from the Chinese shaman's bedroom long after everyone else had fallen asleep, and more than once he swore he heard muffled screams of frustration. But why was Ren acting like this? He was cold and angry, yes, but never to this level.

The sound of his door opening brought him back to the moment, and looking up he tried to smile as Tao Jun stepped into the room. "Hi, Jun," he said, trying in vain to cover his cheek that had swelled to almost double its original size.

Jun sighed. "I came to apologize," she said. "My brother hasn't been himself lately. I should have warned you."

"It's nothing to worry about, really," Horohoro said. "I've taken worse beatings."

Jun seated herself on a nearby chair, slumped over as if exhausted. "I don't know what's wrong, Horohoro," she said. "Over the past few weeks, Ren hasn't been the same. He gets angry over the most trivial things. He starts screaming for no reason. He cuts himself up horribly during training…and there's nothing I can do."

"Have you tried talking to him?"

"Of course. The result was the same as with you: he struck me, told me not to butt into his business, and left."

Horohoro frowned. That was definitely not like Ren; he knew Ren was prone to violence, but never toward his sister. There was something wrong. "You have no idea what's going on?" he asked.

Jun shook her head. "I haven't tried asking him again," she said, "And he doesn't seem inclined to discussing the subject." She paused, and then looked up at him with hopeful eyes. "I was hoping, actually, that you might…well…" Her voice trailed off and she frowned. "I really shouldn't," she murmured almost to herself. "After all, he hit you…"

Horohoro rose. "Where is he?" he asked.

Jun looked up in surprise, but then she smiled. "I think he's locked himself in the bathroom," she said. "I can't be sure, but the light is on and everyone else is downstairs."

"All right." The Ainu shrugged as he headed for the door. "Maybe I can get my other cheek to match the size of this one." Not waiting for Jun's reply, he exited and headed down the hallway. Sure enough, he was soon standing before the closed bathroom door, looking down at the thin line of yellow light that leaked through the crack.

Taking a deep breath, Horohoro lifted his hand and knocked decisively on the door. "Ren?"

There was no reply, but that did not surprise him. "Ren, it's me," he said. "Could you open the door? I need to talk to you."

Still there was no answer. Horohoro sighed. "C'mon, Ren," he said, stepping forward to try the knob. As expected, it would not budge. "Don't be like this. I'm not mad at you, if that's what you're worried about. I just want to…" His voice trailed off when he noticed something wet seeping into his socks. Looking down, he frowned when he noticed the water leaking slowly out of the door crack, soaking the carpet beneath his feet. What was going—

All of a sudden he felt an intense cold sink into his stomach as his mind put two and two together. Immediately he slammed his shoulder into the door; the hinges groaned but held. "Ren!" Horohoro cried, his voice becoming frantic as the water continued to seep under the door. "Ren, open the door!"

Still there was no reply. Horohoro slammed his body against the door again, but still it held against him. "Ren! Don't you dare do this, you selfish bastard! Ren!" Bracing himself with the doorframe, he kicked the door with as much force as he could muster. The hinges cracked; he kicked again and the door swung wide open.

Immediately Horohoro felt his entire body freeze over, as if he had suddenly become encased in the very ice he worked with so often. The entire bathroom was flooded; the faucet in the clogged sink was still running, and in the middle of the room, his back against the bathtub, lay Tao Ren, face down and unmoving.

It took Horohoro only a moment to notice that the water surrounding his friend's body was tainted pink.

The entire scene afterward passed like a dream; it was as if Horohoro's mind had suddenly detached itself from his body so that he became an impassive spectator to the whole thing. From far away he vaguely heard the incoherent screams coming from his mouth, felt himself stumble dumbly back and fall against the doorframe. Through the screams that refused to stop he faintly heard everyone else rushing into the room, cries of horror and fear erupting as they saw Ren. He felt someone lift him by the shoulders, but did not turn his head to see who it was; his eyes were still focused on Ren, and he was still screaming. With the unintelligible shrieks still coming out of his mouth, he barely heard Faust announcing that Ren was still alive; he barely heard Pilika telling him that everything was going to be all right. Only after they had dragged him out into the hallway did the screams finally cease, and he immediately blacked out.

He's remembering again, Tao Ren thought to himself as he looked up at Horohoro. The Ainu was currently staring blankly up at the ceiling, but from the way his breathing had quickened and tears had gathered in his black eyes, Ren could easily tell what his lover was thinking about.

Ren sighed quietly to himself as he watched Horohoro sink deeper into his memory. The truth of the matter was that, even now, he still had no idea what had driven him to do what he had done that night in the bathroom. In fact, he did not even know why he had acted the way he did the weeks prior to that incident; it was just as if something heavy had suddenly fallen onto his heart, screwing up his thoughts and concentration so that everything else became annoying and inferior. He had noticed just how much he had changed first when he had struck Jun, something he would never have done at any other time. It had happened before he was even fully aware of it; one moment she was standing before him, her eyes shining with concern, and the next she was sprawled on the floor, dazed. The same thing had happened with Horohoro at the dinner table; his body had acted without him even knowing, and before he realized what had happened, Horohoro was already on the floor. Ashamed, he had fled immediately to the bathroom, and after that…

Ren shuddered. He did not like dwelling upon what had happened behind the closed bathroom door—in fact, he was glad that the memory was not very clear. He remembered clogging the sink with a towel and then turning on the water because he wanted the sound of the running faucet to cover the sobs that he knew were soon to come. He remembered feeling a sharp sting coming from his ankle and being surprised to find the small dagger in his shoe, having forgotten he had stashed it there. After that, his memory had pretty much blanked out.

The Chinese always felt a strong pang of guilt every time he recalled what had happened to Horohoro after he broke the door open; though he had been unconscious at the time, Pilika had told him what happened after he had woken up. In fact, Ren recalled with a slight frown, Pilika had told him a lot more than that.

Tao Ren awoke as if from a nightmare. It seemed that something dark and horrible had been suffocating him but then had been suddenly lifted, banished into the morning sunlight. He shifted slightly, turning his face toward the sun streaming through the window of his bedroom, and closing his eyes he tried to remember what had happened the previous night. Dinner—Ren?—flash—BASTARDS!—run—slam—water—knife—

He shot to a sitting position. "Shit!" Lifting his arms he peered at them carefully in the morning sunlight, and saw to his horror that both of his wrists were currently bound in bandages. When he realized what was underneath the simple white cloth he had to fight the urge to cry. What the hell had happened to him?

"Ren?" He looked up at the familiar voice just in time to see Tao Jun enter the room. She crossed immediately to the bed, quickly seizing his hands. "Are you all right?" she asked.

Ren shook his head. How did this happen? Why had he committed this…this foul act of cowardice?

He was not going to cry, damnit, he was not…

But the tears were already flowing, and his voice cracked when he spoke. "Jie, what happened to me? What the hell did I do?"

Immediately Jun gathered him in a protective embrace, not particularly caring that he was supposed to be Tao Ren, the fearless, cold-hearted sometime-psychopath. "It's not your fault, Ren," she said. "You can't blame yourself for what happened."

"That's not what I asked!" Ren cried, pushing her violently away.

Jun looked at him with apologetic violet eyes. "You…lost control of yourself," she said quietly. "You struck Horo at the dinner table, and then you ran upstairs into the bathroom and locked yourself in. When Horo found you…" She swallowed. "You were lying on the floor with your wrists slashed open."

Immediately Ren shook his head. "You're lying," he said in a trembling whisper. "I wouldn't do anything that stupid." But looking down at the bandages on his forearms he knew it was true, and the realization of his own weakness only triggered a new stream of tears.

His hands trembled as he spoke. "Jie, I don't understand," he whispered. "Why…would I do something like this?"

"I was hoping you could tell me."

Ren looked up. "I—"

"Excuse me." They both turned to see Usui Pilika standing in the doorway. Ren frowned when he saw the tears in her eyes. Since when did Horohoro's sister care about him that much?

Pilika cleared her throat. "Jun, I need to speak with Ren alone for a moment, if you don't mind," she said.

Jun blinked. "I deserve to hear anything you have to say to my brother."

Pilika shook her head. "It…It concerns Oniichan," she said. "Something's happened. It's very important."

The older Tao frowned. "That's hardly reason to—"

"Jie." She turned at Ren's voice. His face was expressionless. "Leave now."

"But—"

"Please." Ren gave her an honest, pleading look, and with a soft sigh Jun stood up and walked out of the room.

Ren was left alone with Pilika. For a brief moment neither Ainu nor Chinese bothered to break the silence, but then abruptly Pilika shifted and cleared her throat. "How are you feeling?" she asked.

Ren frowned. "Get to the point," he said. "You said something happened to Horohoro."

The young Ainu sighed. "All right, I'll start at the beginning," she said, and Ren's brow darkened when he noticed how her voice trembled. This was serious.

"When Oniichan found you in the bathroom, he started screaming," she said. "We heard him and went upstairs, where we found you. We had to forcefully drag Oniichan out of the room, and that's when he fainted.

"Faust patched you up, and when Oniichan finally woke up in the middle of the night, we told him you were going to be okay. That's when he left for a walk to clear his head."

Ren was getting annoyed. "And I care about this because…?"

For a long time Pilika did not reply, but when she finally spoke, the tears were freely streaming down her face. "He never came back," she whispered in a trembling voice. "I got a call from the police just an hour ago." She swallowed hard, and Ren felt a cold feeling sink into his stomach as she continued, "Oniichan got hit by a car on his way back. He's…He's dead."

Instantly the entire world shattered. Ren suddenly felt his whole body go numb. Horohoro was…dead? No. That was impossible. That Ainu-baka couldn't have been killed—that was Ren's job, damnit!

"Don't lie to me!" He was barely aware that he was screaming. "Selfish witch! Don't lie!"

Pilika bit her lip. "Ren—"

He had already shot out of bed. "Get out!" he roared. "Why do you lie to me? Why do you insist on torturing me like this? I've been through enough! Get out!"

When Pilika saw him pick up his kwan dao, she shrieked in terror and rushed out of the room. Ren slammed the door behind her, and ramming his forehead against the wood he screamed like he had never screamed before.

"Damn you, witch! Don't lie to me!" Already he was losing his voice and he sank to his knees, feeling the hot tears wash down his face as his throat convulsed with sobs. "Damnit…Horo…how could you…"

He stayed locked in his room all day, watching the shadows moving along the walls, unable to think about anything but Horohoro. He did not recall memories; instead he simply focused on a single mental image of the ice shaman, his characteristic blue hair, his black eyes, his ridiculous grin. Horohoro, who had died because of him.

A couple of hours after sunset found him hunched with his back against the wall, looking down at the floor in front of him. His face was dry; he had exhausted his tears hours before, and now he simply stared at nothing and thought of nothing. He did not even notice the second presence in the room until it spoke.

"Ren."

He did not move, though he recognized the voice. It was either a hallucination or a ghost; either one was believable, the former because he had pretty much accepted the fact that he was insane, and the latter because he was a shaman.

"What do you want, Horo?" he asked in an even voice.

A pause. Then: "You're…not surprised to see me?"

"I'm a goddamn shaman, Horo," Ren said with a sigh. He was feeling particularly stoic about everything at the moment; his mind was too exhausted to be in any other condition. "You of all people should know that I can see the dead."

Again, there was another pause. Then suddenly he felt a startlingly real hand gently touch his shoulder. "Ren, I'm here. I'm alive."

Immediately the Chinese sprang to his feet, whipping around to stare into the darkness, and there stood Usui Horokeu. Ren saw instantly how Horohoro's body did not have the misty, transluscent appearance of ghosts, and how the moonlight seeping through the window threw his shadow clearly onto the wall. For a brief moment he could not speak, having never been so entirely confused in his life. A small part of him wanted to cry, another wanted to laugh, another wanted to embrace Horohoro, and the rest of him wanted to…

"Kiisama!" he yelled, and his kwan dao suddenly seemed to materialize in his hands. "I'll kill you!" And he leaped forward.

Things after that happened very fast. One instant he was bringing the kwan dao down with every intention of cleaving Horohoro cleanly in half; the next his blade struck the ground. Before he had even registered his miss, he felt someone slam into his back. The kwan dao was jolted out of his hands; the weapon clattered to the floor and Ren followed soon after, crashing onto the ground, suddenly finding himself face-up with Horohoro crouched over him, using his hands to keep Ren's wrists pinned to the floorboards.

He was too stunned to struggle or even to say anything, and indeed he could not have spoken because Horohoro was yelling at him. "You're the bastard!" the Ainu was shouting. "You're the one who tried to kill yourself! You're the one who nearly made me lose my mind—you're the one who scared me half to death! What the hell were you thinking, leaving me alone like this?"

At this, Ren exploded with anger. "So I'm the wrong one here?" he yelled back. "You were the one who pretended to be dead! You left me alone!"

There was a long pause before Horohoro replied, his voice was soft and emotionless. "No, Ren," he said. "I only wanted you to know how I felt about…about what happened yesterday." Ren's hands were suddenly released as Horohoro stood up. The Ainu's face was cold and completely expressionless. "I wanted you to know how it feels…to lose someone you truly care for."

Ren rose slowly to his feet, staring at him, but was unable to reply. What could he say to such a thing? What had just happened, anyway? Of course Horohoro cared for him, and he did the same for the Ainu—they were friends, after all. But somehow the tone of the other shaman's voice did not seem to fit that explanation…

Horohoro's sigh brought him out of his thoughts. "I'm sorry I put you through this," he said quietly, turning from him toward the door. "See you in the morning."

When Ren saw him reach for the doorknob, he was immediately overwhelmed by a new feeling, a feeling of desire, of not wanting to be alone. Realizing suddenly exactly what Horohoro's words had meant, his body reacted almost without his thinking. Stepping briskly forward, he grabbed Horohoro's shoulder, spun him around, and captured his lips in a deep kiss.

They broke apart after only a moment, and Ren could feel himself blushing. Suddenly he became ashamed and lowered his head, murmuring, "S-Sorry. I don't know why I did that."

But then Horohoro reached up, slowly lifting his chin so that their eyes met. The Ainu smiled. "Don't be sorry," he said simply, and before Ren could reply he was swept into another kiss.

The rest is history, Ren thought to himself as he looked up at Horohoro. The Ainu's previous tears had vanished, showing that he had been sharing Ren's memory.

Horohoro could not help but smile as he recalled what had happened. One thing had led to another, and before long they had found themselves sharing a bed nearly every night. Of course, after the others had started complaining about how many times bedsheets randomly showed up in the laundry, Horohoro and Ren had decided to limit their…fun to a once-a-week thing.

Rules were made to be broken, though, and before long both shaman had found ways around this restriction. For example, they would often go out into the fields or the mountains under the pretense of training, but would end up doing anything but. There was also the Funbari Onsen after everyone else had left, and if worse came to worst the hotel down the street. Horohoro still found it hard to believe that no one had even bothered to ask them whether or not they were screwing each other.

"Horo."

He was so absorbed in his thoughts at first that he did not even hear Ren. However, when he felt the previously motionless hand glide slowly along his chest, he turned slightly, black eyes meeting golden ones. "Hi," he said simply.

Ren blinked. "What're you thinking about?"

Horohoro shrugged. "Nothing in particular," he said, but after a pause a question suddenly came to him. He turned. "Ren."

"What?" Ren's hand passed underneath the blanket, and Horohoro winced when he felt it slide over an old wound.

"What would you have done if I really had died?"

"Hm." Ren shrugged. "I'd probably kill myself."

The Ainu grinned. "With the same success you had the first ti—ahh." His words melted into a moan as the Tao's fingers danced over forbidden areas. "Ren, that's cheating."

"I don't see you objecting."

"Still, it's not fair." But he relaxed and allowed himself to enjoy his lover's caresses.

Ren's voice finally broke the silence. "Horo."

"Hm?"

"What would you have done if I had really killed myself?"

Horohoro thought for a moment. "Well, I'd go to your funeral, first of all," he said, looking up at the ceiling. "Then I'd cry for a couple of weeks…and then I think I'd start screwing Lyserg. I've always wondered what—ow!" The Tao had pinched him in a sensitive area, and he glared at the other shaman. "Was that necessary?"

Ren grinned. "You were asking for it."

Horohoro rolled his eyes but could not keep himself from smiling. Soon, Ren spoke again. "You know," he said, "We really should tell the others soon."

"About what?"

"Us, idiot."

"Hm." Horohoro reflected for a moment. They had been considering just such a move for several months now, but could never reach a decision. And with what Ren was currently doing to him, he soon realized, tonight was not going to be any different.

Tao Ren was completely unprepared for Horohoro's sudden movement, and consequently he soon found himself on his back, looking up with astonishment at his lover smiling down at him. He could see the smoldering flame in Horohoro's eyes as the Ainu grinned mischievously. "We'll discuss that later," he said, and reaching back, he grabbed the blanket and pulled it over them both once again.

FINI

Parting words: Inspiration for the ending conversation came from "Run, Lola, Run." It's a great movie if you want to check it out.