"NEVER SPEAK!" he screamed in my ears. "NEVER! NEVER BE ANYTHING MORE THAN SILENT!" I quivered at his rage, but there was nothing I could do. I was helpless. "DO YOU HEAR ME? NEVER!!!"
I jerked awake. It's just a bad dream, I told myself for the thousandth time. Not real. Not happening. Not now. I couldn't deny the cold sweat that was dripping off of my face though. The fear was very real.
I turned over, hoping for some small amount of sleep before my alarm started going off, but I knew it was pointless. After a few minutes I gave up and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. The liquid was cool as it flowed down my throat contrasting heavily with the fever that I was running, and it felt good.
I always seemed to be running some sort of fever, and if I wasn't running a fever then I had the chills. It's not that I'm a sick person or anything like that; I just always have untreated wounds that keep getting infected. I'm not allowed to go to any doctor because of how many scars I have that cover me, every last one of them caused by my father, the one who was yelling at me in my dream. He's a cruel man, and even more heartless than Satan himself I think. Not that I believe in Satan, but if he existed...
No, I have better things to think about, I told myself. No point in making myself depressed this early in the morning. I looked at my watch; it said 4 am. Not bad, I thought. I actually made it past three this time.
Finishing my glass of water, I went back to my room and rummaged under my bed for my book. This is ridiculous, I thought bitterly. I shouldn't have to hide something so innocent as a book, but if he finds it... I'd earn an extra beating. I paused in my desperate search. If only I were in a foster home...Too often it seemed like I had that same thought. Shaking the notion from my head, I restarted my search and eventually found my book, The Silver Kiss. It sounded sappy, but like most of the books that I read, it had a vampire in it. Those books tend to have some sort of suffering in them and don't always end up happily ever after. I hate happily ever afters; there's no such thing.
The suns rays started peaking through my open windows causing my eyes to squint. I set down my book and went over to watch as the days activities began. For some reason, I always enjoyed watching the world wake. The squirrels were my favorite. They never walked anywhere; always bouncing and bounding with tons of energy to spare. I guess I was just jealous of that; exhaustion is the disease that spreads over me.
As the morning wore on, activity in the house began to take place. My mother was the first up. I listened patiently to the sound of her footsteps as she walked into the kitchen, and then the clanging of pots and pans as she got ready to make breakfast for the family. My mouth started to water as the scent of bacon reached me.
Sighing, I tore my eyes from the window and went into the kitchen. With my father as controling as he is, it's important for me to get some breakfast before he wakes up, other wise I'll only get a piece of toast or something like that. My body had to be perfectly skinny for him to roll his eyes over.
My mom smiled at me as I walked in. "Good morning, sweetie," she said kindly. There were dark bags under her eyes making her look really tired, which she probably was. "How did you sleep?"
I shrugged.
"Nothing too special?" she filled in the blank.
I nodded.
"Ok, well eat some breakfast. You're father is fast asleep," she informed me, letting me know that I wouldn't have to scarf this morning.
I smiled at her gratefully and accepted the plate of bacon and toast that she offered. Grabbing a glass from the cubbord i poored myself some orange juice and sat down at the table, munching at my food. The microwave beeped on and when it was finished my mother sat down next to me, pushing a freshly heated cinnamon roll towards me.
"So did you have any good dreams?"
I shook my head.
She left it at that. I'm not sure why she always insisted on making conversation with me in the morning. After all, I don't talk and it's kind of hard to have a one-way conversation, but I appreciated her effort all the same. She may not have been very strong, but she tried to make life better for me and my brothers when she could.
It's strange. She's a very slight woman who's mother was from India and and her father was from Britan. My mother never talks about it, but I'm pretty sure that her father was abusive to her when she was growing up, and that's why she's putting up with my dad. I wish she'd leave him though. It's her right, especially when he's been so cruel to everyone in the family. I know I'd go with her. I'd help her put him in jail if I could. But that's just a fantasy; it will never happen. He's too powerful, too uncontrolable.
I licked the frosting off of my fingers and gave my mother a quick hug before putting my dishes away. It was my way of saying thank you. I quickly went back to my room, gathered all of my school stuff, kissed my mom good-bye on her cheek and left the house. The less time I had to spend there the better.
I closed my eyes and breathed in crisp morning air. It was very refreshing, especially since it had rained last night. The mist floating around a little ways off of the ground gave the world a mystical look. That was my favorite; it was almost like there was another world waiting out there, just for me. A better world, one without rape and abuse. A fairytale you could say.
I headed off towards my usual path that lead deep into a nearby forrest and soaked in its glory. It's odd how I could go to such a free-spirited place and only be able to think of my past. Every time I came here I remembered how my father beat me, raped me, silenced me from the world. Even so, there's always been this glimmer of hope that I've kept deep within my heart. It's my brother Danny. He's always been the odd one in the family, the only one kid who actually turned out decent. My oldest brother, Peter, is like a younger image of my father. He's a womanizer and a jackass, but has the nasty flip-side of being funny and charming. Then there's the twins, Mark and Adam, where I don't know what went wrong with them. They're abusive and complete juvinile dilinquents; a hopeless case if you ask me. But Danny... he's a good guy. He's really friendly, and takes care of everyone, which is kind of hard on him, but I think he enjoys the challenge and finds a lot of satisfaction in it.
Me on the otherhand... where do I even start? I'm scared of everything and everyone, and I only find comfort in my books. I've never seen a movie and I've never watched TV. I'm brilliant in my schoolwork, but anytime anyone tries to prove it I only come out looking like a complete dumbass, and then my already super low self-esteem completely vanishes and this hollow pit of hopelessness takes root inside of me and grows like the world will never end.