The Suede!
Delta Knight
Disclaimer: I do not own or claim ownership of Seinfeld. I do, however, encourage the uninitiated to view a few episodes and then buy the official DVDs if they like what they see. You can thank me later.
[Jerry's apartment. Afternoon. Fall. Jerry sits on his couch, on the telephone, crestfallen.]
Jerry: You're sure? You're positive? Not even if I paid you all the money Keith Hernandez makes in a year? If I paid you all the money that Keith Hernandez makes in a year, you still couldn't get that stain out? [sighing] Well, thanks for telling me. What about the rest of it? Tuesday? Great, I can pick it up at eleven. Thanks. Bye.
[Hangs up phone, rolling eyes.]
Jerry (muttering): I can't believe I'm about to do this…
[Scene change to hallway. Jerry knocks on Kramer's door.]
Kramer (from inside): Yello!
Jerry: Kramer, could you open up, please?
[Kramer's door opens. Enter Kramer, clad only in jockey shorts.]
Jerry (face contorted in pain): Never mind, sorry I asked. Kramer, would you please put some pants on and then go get my leather jacket?
Kramer: What leather jacket?
Jerry: My leather jacket that you took when I got the suede jacket!
Kramer: Oh, you mean this leather jacket? [Reaches inside and pulls out a brown leather jacket.]
Jerry: Yes! That's the one!
Kramer (smiling): Oh, thanks for giving this to me, Jerry. You know at first it—
Jerry: Okay Kramer, I didn't give it to you, you took it when I got the suede—
Kramer: What suede? You don't have any—
Jerry: The suede! The suede! The one you took after it got ruined when George and I went to dinner with Elaine's dad!
Kramer: Oh, you mean the suede I gave to Newman?
Jerry (yelling): Newman! You gave my suede jacket to Newman? Do you realize how much that jacket was worth? Oh, who am I kidding, you of all people know exactly how much I paid for that jacket, and then you take it and just give it to Newman?
Kramer: Well, yeah, he needed a new coat…
Jerry: You know, you could have given that jacket to any other human being on the planet and I would still be less mad at you than I am right now. You could have given that jacket to Ceaușescu or Pol Pot or Lex Luthor, for crying out loud, and would still have made me less furious than I am now, knowing that you gave—just gave—my suede jacket to Newman!
Kramer: Uh, well, I didn't just give it to him, Jerry. We traded!
Jerry: Oh, no, Kramer, do I want to know what he gave you in return? In fact, no, I don't want to know. Don't even tell—
Kramer: He gave me his reserved parking spot at Central Park East!
Jerry (suddenly silent, eyes widening): Get outta here! ...Really?
Kramer: Really, Jerry!
Jerry (relaxing, deep in thought): Well, that parking spot is also worth about as much as I paid for that jacket…
Kramer: Maybe the same ballpark…
Jerry: Well, the team hasn't relocated, that's for sure—
Kramer: Yeah, especially once I got that candy stripe lining replaced with some nice beige cotton, Newman was really interested—
Jerry: Look, are you going to give me my leather jacket back or not?
Kramer: Jerry, I can't!
Jerry: Well, why not?
Kramer: Well, Mickey and Eckman and I are going to this motorcycle rally in South Dakota, and—
Jerry (furious and yelling): South Dakota? You're about to leave with my leather jacket all the way to South Dakota just to go to a motorcycle rally? You don't even have a motorcycle!
Kramer: No, but Mickey and I are riding with Eckman. You know, he's got one of those side cabs, like what you see in the movies, although—
Jerry: Wait a minute! It's November! Who goes to a motorcycle rally in South Dakota in November? Don't people usually do that sort of thing in the summer? You know, when South Dakota doesn't resemble some sort of Siberian prison camp? Can't you just go with one of your own jackets? What about that one you found at your mom's place?
Kramer (gesticulating wildly): Jerry, all the other bikers are gonna be wearing leather jackets! Do you realize what would happen if I were the only person that showed up not wearing a leather jacket? [Voice a squeak, breaking multiple times per word] I'd be a laughingstock!
Jerry: Well then, that's something you'll just—
Kramer (smirking): Plus, that other jacket needs to be kept out of danger for when I need it the most.
Jerry: Okay, listen, here's the deal. My varsity jacket has a tomato sauce stain all over the left sleeve that the cleaners can't get out. I'm going to meet my parents at the airport tonight and then we're going out to dinner together. It's forty degrees out and I need a jacket, (sardonically) and it just so happens that one of my jackets emeriti is in the apartment next door!
Kramer: What apartment next—
Jerry: Yours!
Kramer: Look Jerry, Mickey and Eckman and I are leaving tonight! I was just getting ready when you knocked, and I thought you were them—
Jerry (muttering): Once again, I can't believe I'm about to do this… [Normal, albeit hesitant, voice] Kramer, will you take sixty for it?
Kramer: For what?
Jerry: The jacket!
Kramer: Sixty? [Waves hand in disapproval] Sorry, Jerry, this jacket's worth a lot more than that!
Jerry (sarcastically): Well, considering you got this jacket for free, I'd say you're getting a pretty good deal!
Kramer (smiling): Yeah, lucky me, eh?
Jerry: Look, Kramer, I shouldn't even have to do this. If you were a normal human being, you'd just give me back my jacket because it's mine. In fact, if you were a normal human being, you'd never have taken the jacket in the first place!
Kramer: Listen, Jerry, this jacket's not for sale, but if you're so eager to dust off some greenbacks for a new jacket, why don't you just go down to the department store and buy yourself a brand new one?
Jerry (having a eureka moment): You know, maybe I will!
Kramer: There ya go!
Jerry (heads down the hall toward the stairs): I still want my jacket when you get back from South Dakota, though, you hear me?
[Jerry turns back to glance at Kramer, seeing only Kramer's front door finish closing shut.]
Jerry (muttering): Figures.
After a late night Seinfeld mini-marathon, I decided to dust off the ol' fanfiction account from days of yore and take a stab at something that I've never done before and might not do again for a long time: writing a script. I did this just for kicks, but if anyone with formal experience in script writing has some corrections or suggestions, especially with regards to formatting, I'm all ears.