Just Another Random Parody Of Resident Evil 4
Session 1
Xysti
Disclaimer: If you think I own RE, then talk to Bob the EVIL zombie here!
Bob: Naargh. I'm evil.
SEE!
(AN: This story takes place right before Leon saves Ashley... so yeah)
Leon opened the door to the chapel... and sighed. Seriously, WHY did Saddler have to create puzzles for EVERY DAMNED SECTION of the town? He walked up to the altar and ate the pretzel shaped like the Los Illuminados symbol on the stand. He looked around, and pulled out his handgun. He pointed it at the big glowy thingy in front of him, and said, "Dude"
The window thingy replied, somehow, "What?"
"Hurry up and unlock the door before I shoot you."
"Hell no!"
Leon sighed again and pulled out his infinite rocket launcher. He pointed it at the glass.
"OKAY! OKAY! GO ALREADY! JUST POINT THAT SOMEWHERE ELSE!" The portcullis slid upwards on the next floor.
"Good. Now gimme a ladder or something. Last time I ripped my pants on that fucking chandelier." spoth Leon.
"I SWEAR THAT CHANDELIER IS A VIRGIN!"
"Regardless."
"Ok then... Look at my centre. What do you see?"
"Glass, duh!"
"Look closer."
"Still only see glass"
"Look closer..."
"Glass."
"CLOSER!"
"What? You mean you actually want me to MOVE? So picky!" Step, step, step. "There! Now what?"
"Look at the centre!"
"Hey, a rock!"
"NEXT TO THAT!"
"The chicken?"
"NO! THE PIECE OF PAPER!"
"Hey, there's a piece of paper here!"
"That's what I was trying to say!"
"HEY! No stealing credit from ME, fool!"
"JUST TAKE THE PAPER!"
"Okay, no need to yell!"
"..."
"It says:
"Roses are pink,
my socks are brown,
Saddler is scary
and so is that clown.
WHO DOES NOT IN ANY WAY RELATE TO A CERTAIN ANNOYING CASTELLAR NAMED SALAZAR WHO PAINTED ME IN DIFFERENT COLOURS! EVEN PINK! PINK, I SAY!
"What the hell?"
"Flip it over. You had it on the wrong side."
"Oh" Flip. "Here it goes:
"I'm a lawn gnome,
sitting on the grass thinking
I'm a lawn gnome,
and THAT CERTAIN CASTELLAR is stinkin'!
"Were you dropped when you were little?"
"DUH! Why do you think I'm in different colours and glued together?"
"I thought you were a representation of America!"
"Really?"
"No"
"Oh."
"Hey! Another piece of paper!"
"That's a tablecloth..."
"SO? It's got writing on!"
"What does it say?"
"Ahem.
"Look on the wall, idiot."
Leon looked at the wall, saw the ladder, and said, "Man, that was stupid"
"What do you expect from an insane Spanish geezer, a (very evil, I must admit) midget, and heated sand formed into small translucent shards of colour?"
"Babies?"
"Exactly."
Leon looked at the ladder, and suddenly shot the window/puzzle thing. After laughing maniacally for a few minutes, he walked over to the ladder and ascended.
He started to open the door, but a high voice yelled, "Hey! Knock before you enter!"
"Okay... Sorry" Leon said as he closed the door. He then knocked.
"Who is it?"
"Leon Kennedy. I have come under orders from the President to rescue you."
"What? My father?"
"Your father? No, some bub named George Bush or something."
"Oh..."
"Hey, I'm just kidding. Your daddy's still President."
"Neato!"
"Please don't do that ever again."
"Sorry..."
"So... can I come in?"
"Hell no!"
"Why not?"
"I'm naked!"
"Why the hell are you naked?"
"I was itching in a place not normally scratched..."
"Eeew!"
"Well, hurry up..."
A moment passed by filled with "ouch"s and a brief scream. She said, breathless, "You can come in now"
"Okay." He walked in, ignoring the strange-coloured stain on the floor. He grabbed her arm and rushed out of the room with her.
"What took you so long?" Saddler said, waiting on a beach recliner in the middle of the chapel sipping a soda.
"Little Miss Itchy here took the time to pleasure herself, and I had to wait for her to get dressed." answered Leon
"I WAS NOT MASTURBATING!" yelled Ashley.
"Sure you weren't"
"Grrrrr..."
Saddler took a long draw from his straw. "Well, I might as well get this over with... Archers, shoot the male, capture the girl. HEY! I WAS TALKING TO YOU!"
One of the archers hurriedly looked up from his issue of Playboy and said, "Oh! I heard you! Hey! Bob! Stop looking at that woman and shoot the dude!"
"Never mind. He jumped out that window." sighed Saddler.
Leon brushed the glass off of himself and helped up Ashley. He walked over to the nearby door before he was shot in the back by a crossbow bolt and collapsed.
Ashley screamed and hid behind a box. Leon gasped and asked her, "(cough) Is there a medicine kit on the shelf there?"
"Uh... Yes! Here's one with a big word written in red on it!"
"Well, (cough) what does the damned thing say?"
"I... don't know"
"What? Look at it!"
"Well... I can't read..."
"WHAT? Why didn't (cough) you learn?"
"It's kinda complicated..."
FLASHBACK!
A 4-year-old Ashley was sitting on her bed, reading a book.
"The c-cat... in the h... in the ha... Fuck this! I'm gonna be a stripper."
FLASH!
"Damn, that sucks."
"Tell me about it. But my path let me go into all these clubs with metal bars stuck to the floor. I think mine was the better calling."
"Just hand (cough) me the box..." She threw it to him, and he said, "This is in Spanish. What the hell, lemme try it anyway." He opened it and swallowed some pills inside. As he grew dizzy, he said, "Damn, Imessed up.. What? Elephants? PINK ELEPHANTS? NOOO! GET AWAY! AAARGH!"
Please R&R... I guess.