Written by: John Egbert and Dave Strider.
During a hot winter night in New York City, Nick Cage was in front of his new movie set. He was filming some new movie that was probably going to be as amazing as all the other ones, but this one was titled, "The Final Meet of Nick and John." (no, it isn't a cheesy romcom, sorry karkat if you read this. maybe he can film another one, but call it the "The Final Meet of Nick and Dave?" i don't know, but i see your confusion it would be better with me- john.) Nick was a fan of playing in the snow so while he was just about to leave on his kickass sled, he climbed onto of a small hill, sat down on the piece of plastic and rode away. Since he is cool enough to sled down across a busy rode in the city he did, but sadly a gang of ponies, Vinyl Scratch, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Applejack trampled him! (his face is still okay, its a shame though.) (dave just doesn't have a heart.)
"He looks perfect to do the evil doing!" said Fluttershy, but Vinyl Scratch smacked her with a hoof. "No you idiot, he needs to save us. He is the hero! Even though we almost killed him I am pretty sure he can still kick some ass," she said.
"No hay for you tonight, Fluttershy. Get your mind out of the evil cakes. We will save Equestria along with this handsome fellow!" (ha gay) (you're ruining the story be quite.) Rainbow Dash screeched because I think horses can screech?
Applejack pushed them all aside and picked up Nick Cage on her back, stomping the sled and started walking back to whatever little land they lived on. ( equestria) (i'm not a pony expert, let it go.)
A FEW IRONIC HOURS LATER.
Nick Cage awoke in the middle of some weird land with ponies everywhere. All of different shapes and sizes. (big dicks and little dicks) (... wow.) "What the fuck is this pony shit? I wanted to build a snowman me and admire it in my home," Nick said before looking over at Fluttershy. (you cant bring a snowman inside dumbass) (it is nick cage we are talking about. he does what he wants. he can pretty much do anything he wants since he is better than chuck norris. you're just mad because i wouldn't let you write about marilyn manson.) "I told you he was a demon, we can't trust him! He might be like that evil twin of his!" Fluttershy's face got red with anger as she stomped around having a horsey-fit. "I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver on acid playing the accordion," Nick replied simply before adding, "Oh yeah that twin guy. I'm pretty sure the only reason he's here is because the condom broke."
Then out of no-where an ironic evil cake pushed down Rarity who was ironically standing next to Princess Celestia who was also ironically starring at Nick Cage as the ironic evil cakes were coming from every single ironic direction devouring ironic small ponies, oh the irony. Nick Cage pulled out his phone and began to take pictures. Rainbow Dash looked at the evil ironic cake before standing on her two hind legs, air punching it. "Put um' up, put um' up!" Twilightsparkle shook her head and put on little pony glasses while also taking out an ironic book. "No, no, no, Rainbow Dash. Fighting is never the answer! Listen please evil cake sir, this is a reading from Adam Smith in, 'The Wealth of Nations.' "Is this improvement in the circumstances of the lower ranks of the people to be regarded as an advantage or as an inconvenience to the society? The answer seems at first sight abundantly plain. Servants, laborers, and workmen of different kinds, make up the far greater part of every great political society. But what improves the circumstances of the greater part can never be regarded as an inconvenience to the whole. No society can surely be flourishing and happy, of which the far greater part of the members are poor and miserable. It is but equity, besides, that they who feed, clothe, and lodge the whole body of the people, should have such a share of the produce of their own labor as to be themselves tolerably well fed, clothed, and lodged. The liberal reward of labor, as it encourages the propagation, so it increases the industry of the common people. The wages of labor are the encouragement of industry, which, like every other human quality, improves in proportion to the encouragement it receives. A plentiful subsistence increases the bodily strength of the laborer, and the comfortable hope of bettering his condition, and of ending his days perhaps in ease and plenty, animates him to exert that strength to the utmost. Where wages are high, accordingly, we shall always find the workmen more active, diligent, and expeditious than where they are low." Now do you understand why you cannot eat my friend here?" The cake growled and ate Twilightsparkle. Fluttershy cried because she was laughing too hard. Pinkiepie was jumping around laughing mildly trying to express in words how "cool this was." (not as cool as me though what a shame) (you're not as cool as nick cage, dave. i'm pretty sure he is the coolest thing in this story! he is soooooooo cool!) Princess Celestia looked at Nick Cage, "Where is your passion?! Go knock the batter out of them!" He just starred at her. "Passion is very important to me. If you stop enjoying things, you've got to look at it, because it can lead to all kinds of depressing scenarios." Princess Celestia starred back giving him the worst of the women horse death stares ever made. (frighting)
The best actor in the whole world (and the pony world) raised his hands and stood up. He grabbed his pants zipper and pulled it down. He isn't a fan of boxers, so pink lacy teen-aged girl briefs was what he was wearing underneath. That was the next thing that came off. He took action faster than some guy kinked up in a crappy hotel that was in Mexico and had some hot can of beans with him. His dick wasn't a dick. It was an A.K 47. Doing his famous meme face "you don't say" he screamed he was going to have burnt cake tonight. (too bad the cake was already burned) He grabbed hold of it and started shooting all the ironically baked goods along with the ponies who were in his way. "Whoops." Half the ponies in Equestia died that day. (this story took a really bad turn fast.. but he is still a hero at least!)
Nick Cage lowered his weird gun penis and just let his pants stay where they were low to the ground around his ankles. He kept playing the "pants on the ground song" in his head over and over again. While the dead pony meat was falling from the sky in a steak like fashion, Princess Celestia looked over to the hunky man. The blood was just gracefully falling on top of him like a feather in the god damn wind. So fucking beautiful. Her eyes widened and the unicorn began to day dream of her and Nick Cage riding shirtless on a camel across the Sahara Desert. Both of their luscious locks of hair were floating in the wind behind them like a narwhal gliding across the sea. Clouds started to rain strawberry punch around them and it resulted
in a large
sweaty
pond
of
apple juice.
Princess Celestia snapped out of her daze when Nick almost shot her with the A.K 47 he had in his pants. "What's the fucking problem in this place anyway? Except for all the god damn cakes running around playing with your horsie intestines to use them as tinsel for their gingerbread Christmas tree." She blinked. "Oh that problem.. Yeah. Well you have a less-attractive evil twin that has a small pedophile mustache. Did I forget to mention the mustache is pink?"
Nick grabbed her horn and shook it on her head. "Pink? He has a pink mustache? .. Damn. He must be lookin' nice." Licking his lips he dramatically looked off into the sunset. "Let's go." The princess neighed and took a few steps back before running full speed into his ass, pushing him over her head and on his back.
They rode happily into the sunset looking for Nick's evil twin.
After riding for awhile Nick fell off the pony's back and into a put of sand when he started to sink. "Shit, shit, shit." Princess Celestia panicked and instead of making an effort to save him she jumped in the quick sand too.
PART TWO COMINGSOON (we were just too lazy to continue it.)