Author's Note: Hello How are we all doing. Well this is a chapter in my upcoming series How Many People Wanna Kick Some Ass. This is Jester666 speaking and I will be helped along the way by my good friend JT Jewels and I came with this idea when talking to a friend of mine (a FMA fangirl). I was quite displeased with her when I learned that in her fanfics ROY MUSTANGE WAS GAY!!!!! Now don't get me wrong I have many gay friends (I'm looking at you Steven -if you're reading this-) and I have nothing wrong with them, but… Roy Mustang is not one of them. He enjoys poon. He's practically fucking that Lt. Hawkeye for Christ sake! So when I was talking to my fangirl friend I realized if the cast of Naruto could see what was happening to them in your fanfics they would go on a killing spree. It would be Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back, but with Naruto. I have inserted many footnotes into the text in (AN: …) inside of the text. Editors if you have a problem with this tell me. So fangirls this is for you. (co-written as I have mentioned by JT Jewels and a little help from my friend Bob. Original Idea by The Jester666) Enjoy.
How Many People Wanna Kick Some Ass?
Chapter 1
Written by: The Jester666
Naruto burst into Tsunade's office. He frantically looked about the room to find everyone that he'd called had shown up. Sakura, she had stolen the key… Sasuke, Ino, Choji, Shikamaru, Neji, Tenten, Rock Lee, Temari, Kankuro, and Gaara of the Funk—I mean Sand, "Alright, glad to see you all made it. Listen I've got some important news, and you're not gonna be happy!"
"since when would we be happy about any of your news loser?"
"Shut up Sasuke—Anyways, I've found something we should really be concerned about!!" Naruto was only building some suspense, but it only amounted to pissing off half the group,
"What is it? Is Akatski attacking, or Orochimaru invading? For gods sake just tell us!!" Lee yelled exasperatedly.
"Oh that doesn't even come close to what's happening!!"
"Just tell you goddamn fool!" Neji yells as he gets ready to sock Naruto clean out of the room, "Alright, alright… Jesus can't a man give some intensity to a dire situation?" he received death glares and a few growls, "Okay, okay… damn pack of wolves… Anyways listen up; I found a website called On this website, there are tens of thousands of stories being written using us."
"The fuck—you mean to tell me you called us all here just to bullshit us?!!"
"No, now listen up I'm not done yet; Even though some of the stories are kickass and action packed and just plain cool, that just a few. For the most part the majority of these things are absolutely stupid and absolutely no good. The reason? They're written so that we, the entire male cast of Naruto, are portrayed as being gay!!"(AN: with the exception of Shikamaru HE IS OFF THE FUCKING CHAIN!!! If any of you fangirls make Shikamaru gay I will be very unhappy)
"Woah woah woah, you mean to tell me that some chicks from all over the world are writing shitty stories that are making us gay?!!" Sasuke said in a stunned yet angry disbelief.
"You know, you've got more fangirls that The Backstreet Boys and N-Sinc put together, and what's worse is that they've made stories to the point where you've had gay sex with all of us…" Naruto dejectedly stated.
"Oh fuck that man, I'm gonna have a little peak at this!! In fact you know what?! All of us should do that then we'll meet back here alright? Cause' this is absolutely ridiculous!!"
Three Hours Later
Back in the Hokage's office all of them meet again this time all extremely pissed off and accompanied by a morbidly pissed Kakashi and a seething Guy Sensei. All of them were sharing stories of the indignities they had suffered at the fangirls hands.
"You know something? They made me a goddamn Naruto lover, and I don't mean I'm a fan I'm the fucker!!" Sasuke yelled. "I mean common'!! Why make me gay for this son of a bitch in these goddamn fics?!! I mean sure I'm an emo fuck who turns into a monster wearing lip stick… but goddamn that's just taking it to far man!"
"Oh yeah? Tell me about it they made me the BITCH… clearly these people have not been paying attention, cause' you and Gaara would be my bitches if we were gay. Everyone knows that!" Naruto yelled.
"The fuck's that mean?!" screamed Gaara of the Funk (OFF THE FUCKING CHAIN)—er—Sand and Sasuke at the same time.
"Well think about it if I were gay with Sasuke he'd be the bitch cause he's a whiny emo. And Gaara… dude you couldn't Dom a fly. So why would I be either of your bitches?" Naruto explained.
"God just look at this," Choji said scrolling through the pages on his lap top, "a Naruto Sasuke one (AN: ew), a Naruto Gaara one (AN: I am opposed to this pairings in so many ways I cannot list them here as the story would be to long but just ew), a Choji Ino one (AN: again ew. Fat people just don't date (supposedly) hot blonds trust me I know), a Naruto Sakura (AN: indifference on my part for these just write better… damn), a Tenten Neji (AN: indifference), a Lee Tenten (AN; right like Lee could get laid HAH), a Sasuke Itachi one
(AN: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW ONE OF YOU FANGIRLS IS FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD FOR THAT ONE!!!) and a Shikamaru Temari one (AN: dude kinda skeptical that this would happen but a lot of the time has funny results. So yeah if you right a funny one keep up the good work -See my other fanfics to see what else I think about this pairing- but stick to the GODDAMN CHARACTER!!!!!!). These are just a few of'em and they all suck monkey nuts!! Look I think we need to do something about this!" Everybody agreed with Choji on this but there was a bit of a problem, "What can we do about it? If we complain, they ain't gonna stop cause' we told'em to! They're just gonna say 'Oh if you don't like them don't read them instead of complaining…nag, nag, nag, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch… I'm a fangirl who is compelled to think of gay sex between male characters and has to share it with the world even if I'm totally ruining the character and insulting the writers and absolutely destroying a fine piece of art (COUGH), and of course I can't think of original characters to have act out my sick twisted and sometimes incestuous fantasies because I only spend my time watching anime and reading manga (AN footnote: I have less of a life than anyone I know but come on even I can think of original characters)." Sakura said disgustedly while holding her stomach and doubling over while vomiting.
"It'll be troublesome, but I think I'll find a way." Shikamaru said speaking out for the first time. "This usually wouldn't bother me but they paired me with that troublesome woman… and she just so happens to scare me shitless." (AN footnote: Temari is scary and while I have nothing against this pairing I do think those fanfics would royally piss off both of them) Shikamaru thought for a while then asked. "Hey how much did we make from going American?"
"A Shit load," Kakashi said with a devilish scowl (hint, hint fangirls).
"Enough for say… every team in Konoha to cover a state?" Shikamaru asked with anger-driven curiosity, "Probably that plus the Japanese profits. I think that should be enough." Guy-Sensei inquired.
"Good. Now then here's my solution; Road trip!"
"Road trip?" Naruto asked doubtfully.
"Yes Naruto, a road trip. We track down all the fangirls on this site, you following me? Then we sort them by state, county, then address. You got all this so far? Anyways then we assign each squad a state, or several states depending on the statistiscs… then…"
"Then?!!" Naruto asked with a hoarse voice tinged with doubt, "Are you that fucked up in the head? Honestly you can be quite troublesome. Anyway then we send each team to go around and kick each of these fangirls asses, one by one." Shikamaru said exasperated at having to explain himself.
"Ok I get it now!" Naruto said proudly.
"Don't you think that kinda' punishment is a bit much?" Tenten asked.
"'Oh Tenten right there' Tenten said as Lee began to…" Choji began to read from his laptop.
"Oh I'm gonna kill the motha' fuckin' crack-whore bitch who wrote that piece of shit trash!" Tenten screamed ripping out a kunai and running toward Choji's laptop trying to stab and kill it,
"Shikamaru's right" Neji proclaimed restraining Tenten, "We've got to make our stand now! No more shall we be humiliated by being paired with others and forced to have gay sex!"
"No more will I be Sasuke's or Gaara's bitch!" yelled Naruto in triumph.
"No longer will fangirls turn me into a non lazy guy," drawled Shikamaru.
"No longer will I be a useless violent bitch who has an impossible hair color!" yelled Sakura… crickets chirp
"Ok I'll stay a useless violent bitch who has an impossible hair color, has no fans, and is fucked by every man and women hehe in this show at least once in a fanfics." Sakura says resigning herself, "Now that sounds more like it," Naruto says. "Oh shit!"
"What?" asked Sasuke.
"I just realized that Hinata WORTHLESS BITCH, Kiba NOT IMPORTANT AT ALL TO ANYTHING AND COMPLETELY FAILS AT LIFE, and Shino awesome character but boring to write as all I have to say is 'I like bugs' and have him stand around looking cool haven't been in this chapter at all… and since were about to close I thought you know they would've like at least come in for that last part." Naruto said.
"Yeah what the fuck's up with that?" Sasuke asked.
"I guess that the author just forgot to put them in and was to lazy to do it afterward, and probably didn't like the characters enough to bother to put them in so he if he writes the next chapter will probably have us fill them in off screen and then have them in a brief cameo appearance next chapter to appease the Hinata, Kiba, and Shino fans who will already be howling for his blood along with every other fangirl as soon as this gets on the net." Sakura said in her annoying lecturing voice.
"Huh… that does seem like a reasonable and logical explanation," Naruto said. "Well let's go fill them in."
"Alright this is the glorious beginning! To a new world where if there are fanfics, they're made for the plot and not the sex (well maybe just a little) and there is no more gay sex between un-gay characters!" yelled Neji in a battle cry which promised victory with everything in his voice. They all charged out of the room in a way that meant business.
"YEAAHHHH!"
End of chapter 1
Message from Sasuke:
"Hey there fangirls we here at Naruto and Naruto Shipudden would appreciate the NOT killing of Jester666 and his cohorts. The fact is , is that you really don't know where this is going just yet so lets not kill him (at least until the story is over) thank you.
Authors Note: Well that was chapter one and hope you liked it and hopefully learned a valuable lesson. If not I got more, plenty more coming at ya. So enjoy.
TY for the Read and Review
Jester666 & JT Jewels (Editor)