Dear Notebook
You know, I always saw myself as an optimist.
It's a new month. I dragged myself through the hallways that were filled with students. Anyone that would look at me would see me with a happy smile on my face, the same one I wore everyday. Of course, they would notice my smile, but they wouldn't notice the pain laced in my face as I tried to look happy. I always saw myself as an optimist- I would smile through almost any event or tragedy.
Indeed, a tragedy did happen, and I expect myself to smile through it too. All problems come to an end, right? Sure, it's been a couple of weeks, months, years, since it started, and like any problem I've had, I'm sure it will go away soon.
That's what I thought last month, and the month before that, and of course, the month before that also. But I won't loose hope- I'm an optimist, remember? Optimists find the best outlook of the situation and continue going along with my lie.
Every step I take, and every even breath I inhale, I can feel their glances. Looks of worry, pity, hatred, and malice. I don't care about how they feel about me. All I care is about how I feel about myself. That's how society works, right?
Sure, society hates me, but I refuse to frown or cry. I'm an optimist, so I always have to be happy. Crying is a weakness, anyways. That's what he said, as he roughly pulled my hair, and I whimpered apologies like a child.
I don't know what I was apologizing for, but he said that it was me who did it. I ruined his life, of course, through horrible texts and meaningless and untrue confessions. That's why I won't complain about the mean messages I get on my phone everyday, it's my fault, right?
I sit in a chair at my desk in class, scribbling profanities in my workbook about myself. Horrible. Unforgivable. I never knew that about myself, I should thank them later for telling me these things. Worthless.
I sat at a lunch table by myself during break time- the same table that was once filled with friends. They left me. I don't blame them at all. Just as they said, no one wanted to be arround me, because they don't want to become like me. These friends... I used to laugh with them, talk with them, we understood each other. Now, these friends were of those who shot me the looks of pity.
My lunch table was at the center of the room, so I continued to receive these glances. They're annoying me. I can't take them.
I get up from the bench with my lunchbox in hand. I'm sure my parents packed a wonderful lunch for me today, just as they do every day. I skip down the hallway with a smile on my face, making my way up to the roof. I smile just as the sun shines upon us humans, today, I'll smile because the sun is shining today. That's a good feature about today. Of course, I won't think of the punishment I will get today. Not yet, at least. Since I'm an optimist, my problems should be thousands of miles away.
After walking up a couple flights of stairs, I open the doors to the roof of the school. The schoolyard was dotted with a few students sitting on the grass, and others were seeking the cool shade of a tree. I sat down on my legs as I opened my lunch box. Nothing. But hey, looking on the bright side, my parents are busy. I'm sure they will have a surprise for me later, right? Maybe they'll make a feast of my favorite food later.
Looking through the metal bars that line the roof, I see the student eating their lunch and chatting happily amongst themselves. I smile, because I'm happy for them.
"Can I sit here?" A gentle voice states. I became somewhat startled. I was pretty sure I was alone on this roof...
Taking my lack of answer as a sign of approval, he sits next to me. He looks over to my empty lunchbox curiously. "You don't have any lunch...? Ah, if you don't mind me asking..." I don't bother to look up at the stranger. He'd probably think I'm ugly like they all do. But I'll look at him once I'm cured of my sickness.
"Hey... Are you okay? Is it... Is it something I said? If so, I apologize-"
I shake my head, remembering to smile. I refrain from telling him that it's okay, but I promised not to speak because that's what he wants. He said that my voice sounds horrible. It's probably because of the sickness. I can't wait until they finish curing me, and then I can speak again. The lack of human contact is getting to me... Oh! But I won't frown. I'll be cured one day!
"Oh... Um, if you'd like, you can have a half of my sandwich?" I shake my head again. I don't want to eat. He said that I'm fat and undesirable, surely he mean I have to loose weight. So I'm going to starve myself until I become what he wants... What they want.
"Okay." And it's all silence after that. The bell rings after a couple of minutes. The boy gets up and bids me goodbye. I suppose I should get going too. It's almost time... I'll come back to the roof again. It sure is peaceful up here. The man... He won't come back, not if he knows that I'll be here again.
...He seems nice. When I'm cured of my sickness, I'll find courage to talk to him.
I drag through my classes, barely paying attention. I continue to write their words. Undesirable, Fat. Ugly, ugly- Oh! I wrote the same word twice! Silly me! My lack of attention would've grabbed the attention of the teachers, but they don't care now. No one cares... I have to smile, I'm sure someone cares about me.
The bell rang. I signaled the end of school for the day. It was time. They just want to help me. So I'll come everyday until I'm cured.
I go to a desolate staircase, far away from the entrance of the school. This is where he confronted me about it. I was so sick that I started saying mean things to him, silly, right? But it wasn't me.
The clacking of heels alert me of a new presence. Here they come.
Amber and her two friends came up to me with devilish smiles on their faces. I smiled back at them. Be happy, theres someone who cares. Smile through the tears and it all will be alright.
"Girls, look. The little whore is happy to see us, isn't that right?" I continue to smile at them. I love to smile. I believe that I smile makes the sun shine the next day. Smiling makes everything better. As long as the sun shines, I should smile.
She scoffs at my apparent 'happiness'. Anyone who believed I was truly happy is an absolute idiot. Stupid, uneducated, idiots. But I am an optimist, so I should smile.
She takes of her ridiculously high heel and throws it at me. It strikes me in the forehead, which is now bleeding. I continue to smile. I should be grateful that it didn't hit me in the eye.
I still smile as tears well in my eyes. She growls walks toward me. "I'm going to wipe that smile off your face!" She looks down at her heel, which has drops of my blood on it. She wears a somewhat regretful look on her face. I assume it's because her shoe its now tainted. Tainted with my blood.
"I don't even know how my brother stands to look at someone like you. Garbage!" She spits hatefully. Her two friends voice their agreement.
"I bet you were trying to sleep with my brother, whore! Too bad he hates you now." She says. I still smile, as tears mixed with blood drips down on the floor. He- he doesn't hate me. He's probably busy.
She scoffs and walks away. "She's not even worth my time, nor anybody's time." She walks past her boyfriend who is walking in the opposite direction of her. "Wipe that smile off her face, Kentin."
Kentin: the person of my nightmares. The name haunts me awake and asleep. The poison filled words and the painful strikes. His name is enough to destroy my smile, seeing as he destroyed my happiness. Something silver gleams in his hand. It... Can't be. A knife, is it? Theres no need to deny it. Hopefully he will kill me swiftly and end my misery. I smile, maybe this is how I will be cured. I should be happy to finally be cured.
He chuckles with menace as he walks up to my trembling form. I look up at him with pleading eyes. Pleading for what? I don't know. "Sorry, but I won't kill you. I'll wait for you to do it yourself. But you were going to start cutting yourself, right? I mean, it must be a crime for someone as ugly as you to have such smooth skin. You should litter them with scars, it suits you better." The knife gleams in the evening light...
...
It's a new month. I smile because I made it to a new day, a new week, and new month. I dragged myself through the hallways that were filled with bodies, their faces a mystery. Strange blurs lace my vision. Perhaps this is a part of my treatment?
Anyone that would look at me would see me with a happy smile on my face, the same one I wore everyday. Of course, they would notice my smile, but they wouldn't notice the regret laced in my face as I tried to look happy. I always saw myself as an optimist- I would smile through almost any event or tragedy.
I attend class, not paying attention as always. I draw disturbing and abstract pictures, but to me, it is art. They're pictures of me. Only a person like me would understand. But I don't want anyone to understand me. No one should go through the pain I went through.
So I plan to stay forever misunderstood. Forever, for eternity. But no one lives for eternity, right?
Blurred faces file out of the classroom to go to the lunch room. People who I used to know become strangers, like always. Strangers that have no business in my life.
Instead of going to the lunchroom like I always do, I head straight to the roof. I hear a group of strangers whisper, 'Hey, where is she? Do you think she hung herself yet?'
Another blurred face replies,'I don't know. I hope-' I didn't hear the rest of the conversation, for I didn't care enough to stay around to eavesdrop. I can only guess that it replied,'I hope so.'
As do I, I would've replied. But they are strangers, and I have to business in their life, nor do they have in mine. It's none of your business.
I arrive at the rooftop with my empty lunchbox in hand, expecting the roof to be empty. No, the boy was here again. I can now see that he has white hair with black dyed at the ends. The door closes behind me, causing him to turn around and do what I assumed was a smile. I don't know, I didn't look. I was afraid that if I looked, his face would become a blur also. I don't want his face to become a blur. He would become a stranger. I don't want him to become a stranger. He's my... What did he call it? Friend. But I don't have any friends, just blurred faces and... Them.
"Hello." He greets me. I don't reply. He didn't want me to speak, maybe if I didn't use my horrid voice, he would like me and they would leave me alone. Of course, that's merely a fairy tail.
I sit next to him and open my lunch box, again finding nothing in there. I didn't get the feast I wanted last month. Aunty wasn't home. Mother and Father weren't home. I'm sure they'll give me that feast next month.
"Nothing again? You know, I don't mind sharing with you." He offers, trying to peer into my face. I mustn't make eye contact. I shake my head again.
"Okay." Enveloped in silence, I look around the yard filled with blurred faces. Huh, there are more students than usual outside today.
"You... Don't like to talk, do you?" He inquires. I shake my head. "Ah, not that I mind." It is silent once again. I look at the happy blues with admiration. Was I really like that before? Ah... I mean, I'm still like that... Right?
The bell rings to signal that it's time for class again. The strange man bids me goodbye and goes to his class. It sure is peaceful up here. I'll just stay up here until dismissal. I'm sure they wouldn't want me to be late.
The white, fluffy clouds pass without any regards to what is going on on the ground. I see a butterfly flutter over to a beautiful lavender rose and rest on it.
It must be fun to fly. Fly away from your problems, your tradegy. A bird swoops down and catches the butterfly, probably meaning to make the beautiful insect it's new meal.
I want to fly, one day. That has always been my dream, ever since I was a toddler with only a couple of thoughts.
The sun shines without a care, never caring of its imminent tragedy. No one cares , as long as it doesn't concern them.
The bell rings again, singing of dismissal. Too soon. I get up from my seat on the roof. I don't want to go, but they'll find me, I don't want another punishment.
"Your late." He sneers at me. I don't reply to him. His face is a clear as day. Why won't he just disappear like everyone else? I lower my head as I prepare for my 'punishment'.
Punishment for what, you ask? Living, he replied.
I accept the painful lashes of the knife and his words again. "I'm surprised you didn't kill yourself yet. You know better than to keep me waiting." One, two, three, four, five, six... Seven, eight, nine lashes. Oh, I lost count.
...
It's a new month. I dragged myself through the hallways that were filled with shadows of a previously living thing. Anyone that would look at me would see me with a happy smile on my face, the same one I wore everyday. Of course, they would notice my smile, but they wouldn't notice the pain laced in my face as I tried to look happy. I always saw myself as an optimist- I would smile through almost any event or tragedy.
With an optimistic smile, I hope that this month will be different. Of course it will, everyday is a new day, I should smile.
With a broken and distorted smile, I start a new month. Tears roll down my face as I continue the smile. Shadows pass me, not giving a care, it's none of their business.
Classes become a shadow in my life, the drawings in my work book become scribbles, describing something I call happiness. Everyday, I feel somewhat gloomy. They're complaining of my sickness and speaking ill of me.
No matter where I go, they compare me to themselves. They're judging me... I'm being judged like crazy. I'm going to swim in their pool of insults... Maybe in the center, I can find a compliment? Oh wait, I'm drowning.
No matter what I do, whether I do this thing, or that thing, or maybe that other thing, they sneer at me and say that I can't do it, I guess I can't.
I go to the roof again, somewhere where I can find a piece of mind. Passing the lunchroom, the shadows whisper, Did she do it yet? Did she? Did she?
I sit down in my place. I am again accompanied by the same boy. I rub my tired eyes. I can't sleep at night. I'm afraid. I don't want him to hurt me. Help me, help me, help me.
I open my empty lunchbox. I'm starving.
A dull colored book makes its way into my vision. "I'm guessing you don't like to talk a lot, so I got you this." The man explains. It's very dull, actually. It describes my soul. But hey, I'm smiling, so that means I'm happy. Blank, white, pages, I can draw pictures...
I watch the shadows crowd on the tainted grass. "Actually, I don't think I introduced myself to yet yet. Strange, isn't it?" When I don't reply, he continues,"My name is Lysander, what's yours."
I don't reply once again. I just wonder is he happy yet? I haven't spoken yet. This lack of human contact is getting to me, but I'm an optimist, so I'm supposed to be happy.
Seeing that I wont reply, he says,"Well, I'm sure it's a beautiful name." He sighs. Why didn't he leave yet? I'm not interesting, or beautiful, or even worth his time.
The bell rings. I stay here. I'm not going to move this time. I don't care. I don't care anymore. They can say whatever they want, and he can do whatever he wants with me. I'm supposed to be dead, right? I was always a mistake, a glitch in the system. I'm not supposed to be here. I have no purpose. All I can do is smile. I'm broken. What's the point of having a broken toy if you can't play with it? Smile, it's a new day.
Good for you, are you happy? Let's celebrate!
The bell rings. I don't care, let him find me. I stand up and lean on the railings, marveling at the great hight of the school. I feel as if I can touch the clouds. I clench the notebook in my hand. I know what I have to do now.
I know who I am.
I am worthless
I am cold
I am nothing
I am scared
I am broken
I am horrible
I am flawed
I am fragile
I am tired
I am ugly
I am sick
I am wrong
I am useless
I am numb
I am lost
I am lonely
I am careless
I am beguiled
I am arrogant
I am ignorant
I am compulsive
I am foolish
I am dishonest
I am greedy
I am gullible
I am overemotional
I am boorish
I am domineering
I am indolent
I am surly
I am vulgar
I am shiftless
I am callous
I am compulsive
I am conceited
I am condescending
I am impulsive
I am inconsiderate
I am malicious
I am tactless
I am disgusting
I am cold-hearted
I am hideous
I am unsatisfactory
I am rejected
I am hypocritical
Are you happy? You told me all that I am. Being falsely accused is one thing, but being punished for something I didn't do? Don't make me laugh. I can't laugh anymore. My voice is lost. It's floating around the strange shadows.
I walk down the empty hallways with my notebook held close to my chest. I pass by Amber and her friends and I smile at them, a twisted, broken, and ugly smile. She scoffs and says something I don't want to repeat.
I make my way to my empty home and I sigh. I'm home. I look at the empty kitchen: the empty fridge, the empty pantry, and the dusty plates. Empty. I scoff. Aunty is 't coming for me, Mother and Father abandoned me. They don't want me. I was a mistake. Don't worry, I'll fix your mistake.
I walk up the stairs towards my room. Dried blood is stained on the floor. I delicately hold the wilting rose that was placed on my desk.
"Here. I don't know what kind of flowers you like, so I got you a rose. I hope you like it." A lavender colored rose comes into my view. What an interesting color... I love it. This rose... It's beautiful. I don't look up at the man who gave me the rose, I know who it is. Who else comes up to the roof other than me and him?
Don't disappear... Please.
The rose's petals turned a horrible brown color. I don't mind. Dead rose petals litter my desk. Blood stains the thorns of the rose, giving the green stem a red color. Beautiful.
I take a pen that was on the floor of my room and I begin the write.
Dear notebook,
You know, I always saw myself as an optimist...
It's a new next day of school will be different. I know of it. I smile, because it's a new day. A brand new day. My smile isn't genuine, a sad smile, a smile that tells of months of abuse. A insane smile.
The shadows stop with their pity filled and hateful glances. They don't care. It's none of their business. But the shadows left. It's just me, him, and them. The shadows are invisible.
The classes go by once again. I don't care about my classes. I don't care about that test that I just failed. They don't understand. That test was littered with my happiness.
Lunch time comes. The lunch room is empty. The air spoke of going outside today. I went up to the roof. I hear their conversations, chanting, did she, did she, did she?
The roof is empty, he's not here. Is he late? He must come. Did he disappear.
I sit on the railing of the banister on the roof. The wind howls point up, chanting, hey look! Is she? Is she?
The air yells,"She's going to jump." Probably as a joke, or not. Am I, am I, am I?
The door to the roof suddenly opens. "G-get down from there. You might fall!" Will I, will I, will I?
I smile, tears fall down my face. Hey, I'm an optimist, I'm supposed to be happy.
The wind howls, looking up, chanting, will she?
A familiar face says. I hope so. Ah, it's him.
I can feel his glare on me. She gasps,"N-no! Don't! Please! I never wanted it to go this far!" She pleads, she's crying. Why is she crying? It's not her business.
A hand grabs my arm,"Don't." He says sternly. "You have so much to live for." I shake my head. What? I don't have anything to life for. Nothing, nothing, nothing.
I violently rip my arm from is grip and I mumble,"Sorry." Before I fall. I'm bit falling...
No, I'm flying. Finally, I've always wanted to fly, ever since I was a toddler with only a couple of thoughts.
"I-I love you!" He shouts, tears running down his two colored eyes. Pretty. I finally got to see his face, hopefully he wont disappear.
I smile, this time a genuine smile. I'm an optimist, I should smile at all times, even in the face of death.
My body hits the ground, the last thing I hear is the sobbing of others. They don't care, why pretend? It's none their business.
Dear Notebook,
You know, I always saw myself as an optimist. I love to smile, I always believed that smiles make everything better. Through pain, tragedy, horror...
I said everything would get better. It didn't. Nothing got better, it got worse. I knew I was wrong the moment he struck me with a knife.
It wasn't me. I didn't do it, I know I didn't why would I do that? I don't have a reason to... Why didn't you believe me? You believed her over me. I loved you, why didn't you understand...?
...Why didn't you leave me alone? I would've been fine, alone.
Are you happy? Did you get what you wanted? I tried to make you forgive me... I never spoke, I smiled, I apologized, I submitted myself to you?
You broke my heart, and on top of that, you physically hurt me, you mentally scarred me, you and your girlfriend and her friends.
What did I do to deserve this? Do I really disgust you that much?
...
I would've left a long time ago, if it weren't for him. His name was... Lysander, I believe. Thank you, you showed me whats true happiness was. I guess you can say that I love you, much more than I loved him. Ah, sorry. Sorry, for leaving you like this. I had a great time with you.
...
Forget about me. I'm not important. I never was. But thank you for the rose, lavender is a beautiful color. ... That man at the gardening club, I can't remember his name. He said lavender meant... Love at first sight or enchantment.
Enchantment? How? I'm ugly, I have nothing special about me. I don't even talk to you, I was waiting for you to leave me. Thank you for the notebook... I apologize, I'm all over the place.
Sorry for leaving you aunty, mom and dad... You guys never cared, don't pretend you do now because I...
I flew away. I'm happy now. But it's none of your business.
Forget me.