A/N: Uh...
Summary: Harry has one, simple request for his arch nemesis: could he stop trying to kill him? Please?
Chapter One
Dear Voldemort,
It's me. Harry. I know I'm probably the, well, last person you'd expect to write to you. But life's full of surprises, eh?
I suppose you're wondering by now – why exactly is Potter writing to me? Perhaps, some devious scheme? No, I have a simple request. Not too much to ask, I think. Easily granted.
By any chance, would you stop trying to kill me?
Sincerely,
Harry James Potter
Dear Potter,
Not a chance.
Sincerely,
The Dark Lord Voldemort
Dear Voldemort,
I really do think this would be in your best interest, don't you? I mean – really – how many times must we repeat the same thing? We fight, I win by some fluke. Gets pretty monotonous, don't you agree?
So, I think by stopping, you'd do us both a favour.
Sincerely,
Harry James Potter
Dear Potter,
I think I disagree. With you out of the way, any and all doubt about my power will be put to rest. I will be established the greatest wizard of all time.
Sincerely,
The Dark Lord Voldemort
Dear Voldemort,
You're forgetting about Dumbledore – and the prophecy. In all likely hood, the two of us will either kill each other, or weaken the other to the point where they're killed anyway.
Does that sound pleasant to you?
I'd rather we just declared a stalemate, and stay away from each other. I heard Albania was pleasant this time of year? Why don't you set up your pureblood empire there, and we can leave each other in peace?
Sincerely,
Harry
Dear Potter,
You know the prophecy? I was under the impression that was… lost, by Lucius Malfoy, the incompetent fool.
Boy! I'm willing to – dare I say it – bargain with you. Tell me the Prophecy, and I shall… consider what has been said.
Only consider, mind you.
Sincerely,
Voldemort
Dear Voldemort,
The prophecy is complete rubbish – but if you really want to know:
The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches, born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies, and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will power the Dark Lord knows not, either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives, the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies.
Pretty self-fulfilling, huh? Do me a favour; don't tell Dumbledore I told you that – he'd have my ass. So now you know – what about this consideration, eh? Like I said, Albania is pretty nice this time of year.
Sincerely,
Harry
Dear Potter,
How, exactly, would I inform Dumbledore of your – however misguided – attempt to stop me? We're not a pair of old crones that gossip together over tea.
However – I must agree with you about the prophecy. Self-fulfilling, indeed.
I have considered your proposition. I must decline. I'd much rather put a stop to you right away, instead of waiting for you to become an actual threat.
Honestly – why else would I have tried to kill a baby?
Sincerely,
Voldemort
Dear Voldemort,
Because you're a pale, bald, child-murdering nutter?
Sincerely,
Harry
Dear Potter,
Well… I'll give you the pale, bald, and child-murdering, but I'm not a nutter, you insolent brat.
Sincerely,
Voldemort
A/N: Eh… I'm doubtful about this one. It's probably going to be a chapter fic. Humour. Crack-ish.