Disclaimers: I don't own Black Cat or any of the characters related to it. However, I would be much obliged if someone were to make a drop-dead sexy picture of Sven or Sven + a certain someone…you'll see why…

Undern'Eathes It All

KABLAM! Dr. Tearju's front door had been kicked off its hinges, allowing the army of masked snipers to march into the house. The only reason Sven, Eve, and Tearju hadn't immediately reacted was because they thought Train had returned. Boy, were they wrong…within an instant, the three were completely surrounded by gunmen in funky hooded suits and pentagram-engraved gas masks.

"What the – who are you?" Sven demanded of them.

The one with the largest gun in the group took a small step forward and replied, "The Apostles of the Stars!" Tearju remained frigid, but Sven and Eve couldn't help giving the leader a quizzical look. If it were really them, wouldn't there be one in a really fat suit, one that looked like a midget, at least two with a huge rack, and some other shorties?

As if to answer their question, Echidna strutted through the shadowy front doorway, her heels clacking on the floor. "Oh my…" she muttered in a teasing voice, "I heard we had a full house, but I never expected to findyou." Echidna glared enticingly at Sven, who tried to refute, but she put up a finger to silence him. "Sorry, but I haven't got time to play today. You know how it is…" She turned towards the nanotech doctor. "Don't you, Dr. Tearju?"

Sven froze and threw a shocked stare at both women. How the hell did the Apostles of the Stars know her? More importantly, what did they want from her?

Echidna continued, "I came in place of the doctor to hear your answer. Will you join the Apostles of the Stars, or do you refuse?" A gasp escaped from Sven's mouth, who could see Tearju trembling slightly. "We want you for your nanotech expertise, of course. Should you refuse to join us willingly, we do have…other ideas." With this, Echidna stepped aside and let a two-foot tall bundle of cloth crawl in front of her. "So, doctor, what's it going to be?"

Tearju glanced at Eve, who kept her cool, and then at Sven, whose eye reflected their mutual despair. Finally, she looked Echidna straight in the eye and declared, "I vowed never to tamper with another human life, and nothing you say can change that! So it's going to be a no way, bi-hatch!"

Pretty much everyone recoiled at her having implied the use of a "b" word, mainly because she seemed like an innocent, clumsy, introverted doctor. Even Eve raised one of her eyebrows in astonishment.

It took a few seconds for Echidna to regain her poise after being called that (not that she wasn't already used to it, even five year-olds had called her that. But that's another story…) Then she remembered the short bundle of cloth "standing" next to her, and she smirked. "I guess I have no choice, then." She snapped her fingers. "Eathes! Come on out!" And out of the shadows and cloth came…

A monkey.

Had he not been surrounded by dozens of freaks with guns and were his life not on the line, Sven would have laughed his ass off. Garbed in a sort of toga and a ridiculous hat, the monkey Eathes had to be one of the ugliest little creatures he ever saw. But those Gremlin-like eyes and teeth freaked Sven out, and he could have sworn it snickered. So all he could say was, "Holy crap, it's a frickin' monkey!"

"Don't underestimate him just because he's a monkey," warned Echidna, leaning against the wall and wiggling her index finger. "He drank the Chi Holy Water and awoke his inner Tao powers. Eathes is our newest Apostle!" Just then, an aura of chi began forming around the monkey. "He can project his soul in order to duplicate a person's very essence. Your appearance, your voice, your knowledge…he can copy it exactly!"

Eve took a small step forward. "So what you're saying is that Jeeves here ('it's "Eathes"!' interjected Echidna) is going to copy Tearju's mind and use that, rather than go through all the trouble of kidnapping her?"

"Correct!" chimed the Gate Taoist.

"Then why didn't you do it in the first place?" retorted Eve.

Silence. Echidna pondered about it for a moment while Eathes picked a few bugs off of his fur and ate them. Sven and Tearju exchanged glances and shrugged. "Well, dammit, Doctor!" cursed Echidna, "You and your stupid preoccupation in Creed…can't even find time to come up with a time saving way of doing things…Who gives a rat's ass? Go for Tearju, Eathes!"

A monkey-shaped astral projection shot out of Eathes and made a beeline towards Dr. Tearju. Sven watched as Eve's creator stood helplessly in the way of the blast. He didn't quite understand what the whole "copy" thing was all about, but it sounded bad enough. And as a gentleman, he would not stand to see a woman as smoking hot as Tearju get essence raped. Sven made his move, rushing in front of her and catching the shot.

The furry aura enveloped Sven for a moment before retreating back into Eathes. Echidna stared blankly at Sven for a second, then at Eathes, then Sven again, then clenched the monkey's robes and shook the critter furiously, yelling all the while.

"You goddamn ape! Freaking stupid chi of yours can't even dodge a single freaking person! Stupid-ass doctor had to give that batch of Holy Water to a stupid-ass baboon! And now it's gonna take you three f#$&ing hours for it to wear off and Tearju's gonna be f#$&ing gone and –"

And, as fate would have it, Echidna shook so hard that the monkey's hat flew off into a pan of Tearju's "omelet", and the robe ripped clean in two. Eathes landed flat on the floor with a splat, and before he could get up, there was a flash of light. Now, the gunner unit thought this was the signal to fall back, and they were all out of the room faster than you can say "banana hammock". Finally, the light receded.

On the floor lay a perfect copy of Sven. Stark naked.

The clone began to get up. Try as she might, Tearju could not tear her eyes off of him for the life of her. Eve's eyes became as wide as saucers as they ran across the well-sculpted body. Despite her duties, Echidna found herself admiring Clone Sven's backside. Even Train, who had been perched on the upstairs banister until the "perfect moment" leaned forward a bit too much and came crashing down onto the hardwood floor. Sven himself shook his head and slapped his forehead.

"Oh. My. God." uttered Eve with disbelief.

"Hot damn!" blurted out Echidna.

Train had passed out from the fall.

All Tearju could do was hyperventilate and fan herself.

Everyone stared at Clone Sven, then Real Sven, then the clone, then the real Sven.

"Oh no…" grunted Sven.

Echidna grabbed Clone Sven by the arm and turned him around. "You're coming – oh sweet Jesus – um…I don't care if you're a monkey, you're coming home with me!" And with that, she quickly made a gate and dragged Eathes/Sven along behind her.

That left the doctor and her clone staring in awe at Sven Vollfied. Eve's eyes shifted back and forth from her guardian to the unconscious Train on the ground. Tearju's eyes, on the other hand…let's just say they were glued to the Sweeper's southern hemisphere. "Eve," she ordered without averting her eyes, "go ahead and drag – I mean take, Train upstairs and put him in the first bedroom; you may have the one next to it." Out of her periphery, Tearju could see her clone scowl before transforming her hand into a barbecue spit and tying Train's hands to it with her hair. Once Eve had taken her prize to the first room and the second door upstairs had closed, Tearju finally looked Sven in the eye.

"Sven, I'll bet that must have been embarrassing for you," consoled Tearju.

"Nah, I just thank god it wasn't really me. All I have to do is tell myself it was just a copy," Sven replied with a sigh. But then he noticed his new doctor friend tugging her sweater off to reveal a nice, lacy bra. "Uh…what are you doing?" he asked in a voice that started to trail off as Tearju slipped Sven's suit jacket off of his shoulders.

"Oh, I'm sorry, it's just that I had never seen such a fine male specimen," she complimented seductively while undoing the Sweeper's tie. "Do you mind if I…examine you further?" With a volley of pops, Tearju ripped Sven's dress shirt open with violent strength.

All Sven could do was gape dumbly at her, give an involuntary nod, and shiver with excitement as her lips pressed against his. Tearju tried to lean into the kiss, but as usual, she tripped over nothing and they both fell onto a conveniently placed rug. One on top of the other.

And they both had one hell of a night.

A/N: Alright, I've decided. I'm gonna hold an art contest based on this story! Whoever draws the best picture of Sven looking sexy or Sven and Tearju together will win a specially commissioned story based on ANY theme s/he chooses! (i. e. Creed and Shiki go to a luau! or Eve goes to an opera in which Sven must play the Singing Fat Lady! or even something as crazy as Jenos wakes up one day, cursed so he can only say four words per sentence, and discovers that he smells like Maro's feet!) Please visit SvenIsMyHomeboy on Deviant Art for more info and rules!