Lily van der Woodsen – Humphrey held her newborn granddaughter in her arms as the baby cried, she was only three days old, too young to be motherless but here she was wrapped up in pink blankets cradled against her grandmothers chest as she tried to calm her down.
The doctors said it had been a complicated pregnancy with an even more complicated delivery, Serena had lost too much blood and her heart couldn't take the trauma, the doctors said she fought for her life, she held on for a few days after the birth but she lost the battle and she was gone.
The baby in her arms didn't even have a name yet, Serena had a list but she didn't tell her which name she chose, the only person she assumed would know would be her fiancé and he was so broken she was afraid he'd blame his baby for killing her mother.
Serena sat in her mother's lounge with a notepad on the armrest, chewing on the end of her pen. She looked like she was in deep thought. "What's playing on your mind sweetheart?" Lily asked walking into the room.
"I'm just thinking, I'm going to be a mom," she said running a finger over her tummy in circles tilting her head to the side and tapping her pen against her lip. "I need names for her."
"Honey these names are perfectly fine," Lily said picking up her notebook and looking at the names.
"I know but they are so … common and normal, I want something you know crazy and fun and unique!" Serena said.
"Well unless you're going to name this baby girl 'Orange' or something I don't think you're going to find anything really unique," Lily said. "Just find something that the two of you like for a girl."
"But I am Serena van der Woodsen," she said rolling her eyes and Lily laughed looking at the rock on her left hand.
"Not for long sweetheart," Lily said sitting down in front of her with her tea. "What are the choices so far?"
"Well there's the normal cute ones, like Madeline and Abigail and Audrey and the ones that we don't hear so often are Summer and Quinn like from Glee but I want something with meaning."
Lily just laughed at her daughter's speech, "Honey just breath, when she's born then you'll know the perfect name."
"Maybe, I just can't wait to hold her," Serena said squealing, with her palms faced flat on her tummy.
Lily smiled down at the baby girl in her arms that she finally got to sleep. She was so tiny, so innocent and Serena would have given anything just to hold her. Nurses walked into the room to take the baby from her to get her fed and changed and put her down.
Lily sighed and ran her fingers through her hair and over her face, she carefully composed herself before she left the room to find Blair and Chuck sitting quietly on the chairs, Dan, Jenny and Erik on the other side and Rufus pacing the floor, even William van der Woodsen stood in the corner of the room away from everyone else his eyes red and his face straight. "Where is Nate?" Lily finally asked looking around for her daughters childhood friend and fiancé.
"I don't know, I think Anne's with him," Blair said sobbing.
"How is she doing?" Chuck asked his step-mother, wrapping his arm around Blair's shoulders and holding her to him.
"She's 3 days old, she's as good as a baby can be without her mother," Lily said taking another breath, thinking about the pink child who cried herself to sleep. "Ok well there's a doctor let me just … speak to him about taking the baby home."
"That's what we're calling her 'the baby'?" Blair asked clutching Chucks arm and staring up at Lily.
"Her name is Gia, Gia Serena Archibald," Nate said from the doorway. "Serena said it means god's gift or something like that, it's not as original as she wanted it to be but it was the only name she kept going back to."
"She didn't choose her name as the baby's second name," Lily said, she knew her daughter.
"I know that was my idea," Nate said. "I have to keep Serena around somehow."
"Nate," Blair said reaching her hand out to take his when she stood. "Have you seen her yet?"
"There's too much to do, I'll see her when all of this is over," Nate said turning and walking out. Everyone stared after him.
Anne stepped forward and pulled Lily to the side to offer her help and do anything they needed.
The next week went by so fast it felt like a blur, Gia had been staying with Blair, Anne or Lily during that time, Nate hadn't been around enough to acknowledge the fact that he had a child. After the funeral Nate refused to spend time with his daughter, he spent his days in the office and his nights at the bar. Gia stayed with her grandmothers and her godmother until she was three months and Lily had had enough.
"Enough is enough," Lily said as soon as Nate walked into his house.
"What are you doing here?" he asked looking at his mother, Lily and Blair.
"It's an intervention Nate, something needs to be done," Blair said.
"Honey you can't go on like this, Gia is three months old, she needs her father," Anne said.
"No, she needs her mother," Nate screamed. "But that's never going to happen because she is the reason her mother is gone and I'll never get to see her again."
"Don't you think that's a little selfish Nate, sure everything that happened really shouldn't have but this baby girl is the one person she could've loved more than you," Blair said. "She was so excited that you wanted this baby and now you haven't even held her."
"I can't, she reminds me too much of Serena," just saying her name caused all of them to wince. "There's nothing I can do, you guys are doing a perfectly good job without me."
"It ends today," Anne said stepping forward to touch Nate's cheek. "I'll be staying with your grandfather if you need me but you need to do this by yourself."
"What does she mean, 'I need to do this by myself'," Nate asked after his mother left.
"It means that Rufus and I are going to London with Jenny and Erik, the flight leaves tonight, Dan will meet us there tomorrow morning," Lily said. "Chuck and Blair are going to be in Paris with her father."
"You need to acknowledge the fact that you have a daughter and she needs to know who you are, you cannot shut her out of your life Nate," Blair said and Nate shook his head furiously.
"You don't understand, I don't know what to do with a baby," he said as the tears formed in the sides of his eyes. "Serena did the planning and the reading and she was ready for the baby, I can't do it without her."
Blair's heart broke for the blond boy in front of her. "I know it's going to be hard but Serena would not have wanted this for her baby, you need to grow up and start acting like a father because guess what Nate, that's what you are."
"I don't want to be a father without her," Nate said sitting heavily on the chair behind him. "I don't want to be anything without her."
"I'm sorry Nate but we can't raise your baby for you, she's yours and she's Serena's and she needs you," Blair said leaning down to kiss the side of Nate's head before leaving him.
"I know you miss my daughter, so do I Nathaniel but she had faith in you and so do I," Lily said touching his shoulder and leaving the room, leaving Nate to sit on the couch and stare at the wall.
He felt angry, angry at everyone, they were all leaving him to deal with the person who was responsible for his Serena's death, a person who was going to be fully dependent on him, a person he couldn't hate because he wanted her as badly as her mother did.
"So what do you think? Pink or yellow?" Serena asked holding up two color cards. She looked adorable in her maternity jumpsuit, eight month belly sticking out as she stood on the bed.
"I think that the doctor told you that you needed to be on bed rest for a little bit," Nate said walking to her and wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing her tummy. "You and my baby girl need to be healthy."
"And we will be but mommy is getting really really really bored," Serena said pursing her lips and easing into his arms as she moves to kneel on the bed.
"But mommy doesn't want to make daddy worry, right?" Nate said smiling and Serena rolled her eyes leaning in to kiss him.
"You're happy about this, aren't you?" Serena asked with her head on his shoulder and her arms tight around his neck, their baby kicking up a storm against his tummy.
"Yes I am so thrilled that we're having a baby, S, a baby," he said and she giggled, her giggles quickly turning into sobs. "Hey, hey, hey it's all going to work out ok? It'll be fine," he says comforting her and rubbing circles on her back.
"What if we lose her? Or what if I don't make it to see her?" Serena whispers and Nate kisses her shoulder since she won't turn her face and holds her as close as he can to his body.
"You have to be fine," Nate says, the tears in his eye's now making their way down his face.
"Promise me that you'll do everything the same like we planned," she says pulling away from him enough to hold his face in her hands and wipe away his tears. "Promise me that you'll love her and you'll protect her and you'll take her out for ice-cream and make forts and do everything we wanted to as kids."
"I promise," Nate said, kissing her. "But you're going to be with me every step of the way." Four days later he was rushing her to the hospital to have their baby
"I don't know if I can keep that promise S," Nate says under his breath as the tears stream down his face. Everybody's long gone and he's sitting in the living room, reliving memories of Serena and terrified of what he's going to do when his baby daughter needs him.
As if on cue he hears a high pitched wail coming from the other room, he takes a deep breath and makes his way slowly to the room, he doesn't even know if he wants to enter the room. Taking slow tentative steps he makes it to the door and winces at the sound of his baby's cry, he's seen her a handful of times, right after she was born just before Serena's heart failed and once or twice during the funeral.
He walks into the pink room as if it's the first time he's been in there, the cot and the changing table and shelves and toys that Serena insisted they pack the room with was all in there , just the way they left it the day Gia was born.
Gia is laying on her back in her cot, her tiny fists are balled up and her face is red with tears streaming down them, her little feet are kicking out as she cries and Nate sinks down to the floor because she looks like Serena.
Nate gulps and stands again because if he doesn't do something she isn't going to stop and he doesn't want to damage the only thing he has that is part of Serena. It was fine when Blair or Lily or his mother had the baby because they knew what to do and they would take care of Gia like she was gold.
'Maybe I should get a nanny?' Nate thinks suddenly as he moves closer to the screaming child.
"Are you seriously thinking that?" a voice says from behind him and he screams as he turns around to search for the owner of that voice because it sounds so familiar.
Gia stops her screaming and looks up because she's figured out she's not alone, instead she just whimpers a little and stares at this new man in the room who she's never seen before, who's got his hand clutched to his chest and is looking around frantically. She starts to cry again after the shock of her father's scream wears off.
"Who's there?" Nate asks, he looks around one more time before moving closer to the baby. He honestly doesn't know why she's crying, he doesn't know when her feeding times are, he doesn't know if she needs to be changed or how to do that and he doesn't even know how to pick her up to try and soothe her.
"Hand under the neck for support," the voice says again answering his question and Nate jumps.
"Serena?" he asks carefully and softly blinking and turning around again to see her sitting on the rocking chair with her hands folded in her lap as she watches him, she was dressed in all white and she was transparent, a light glow surrounded her as she sat there looking like the angel she always was.
"Hey Natie," she says with a small wave and he looks like he's going to faint. "No don't faint please, you have to help her first, if you don't she'll keep screaming and my headache will get worse."
"You're dead," Nate says dumbly still staring.
"I know," Serena says nodding. "If I could I would have stopped her from crying already."
"o-ok," Nate stammers frowning in confusion. "So urm what do I do?"
"She's been in someone's arms all the time since she was born so I think you just need to hold her, my mom fed and changed her before they left," she said matter-of-factly.
"You, you saw them?" Nate asked.
"Yes now put your hand under her and support the neck and then put your other hand under her butt," Serena said standing and pointing and the still crying baby.
Nate slowly reaches into the cot and picks up the baby, cradling her. She stops crying almost immediately and instead just looks up at him with sad blue eyes, her red face returning slowly to her normal color and tiny fists grab his shirt.
"I um – now what?" Nate asks.
"Now you sit in that rocking chair and hold your baby," she growls and Nate just nods and does as she says, Serena stands from the rocking chair so he can sit and places her hands on her hips. "I have been in this room every day and not once have you even bothered to come in, do our promises mean nothing to you Nate?"
"I…I … I ," Nate fumbled his dead fiancé was standing in front of him and he was at a loss for words, he'd spent so much time thinking about what he'd say to her if he could see her one last time and now she's in front of him and he has no idea what to say.
"Nate, I know it's hard but she takes precedence over what you're feeling," Serena says and Nate nods automatically, his eye's still wide as he watches her.
"Why are you here?" he finally asks and her face softens. "I mean not that I don't mind because the past three months have been hell without you but are you back?"
"As much as I wish I could come back I can't," Serena said bending down in front of him to look at the baby. "Trust me I've tried, so I did the next best thing, I came back as a ghost to help you accept what's happened."
"And you think you being here is going to help me deal with you being gone?" Nate scoffed and Serena rolled her eyes.
"When did you become so bitter?" she asks softly.
"The day you … died," Nate shot back, he hated saying that. "I cannot be anything I was without you."
"Nate you promised me you'll do everything you could to be an amazing father with or without me, not even acknowledging her is not the best way to go about doing that!" she screamed and Gia turned to her stretching out her arm. "Hey I'm sorry baby, did mommy scare you?"
"So who can see you?" Nate asked choosing not to comment on her earlier rant.
"Well only the two of you," Serena says making faces at the cooing baby. "She's perfect," Serena mummers.
They sat there in silence for a little while and Nate felt like this was how it was supposed to be, him holding their sleepy baby while she babbled along with the child, her voice like a lullaby, making the baby go to sleep.
"She's almost asleep," Serena whispered. "She missed you, you know."
"I was barely around," Nate said and watched Serena tense up just a little. "She doesn't know me."
"She knows you," Serena assured him. "Whenever you spoke, she used to move a lot and kick, I remember the one day she barely moved and I was getting worried and you walked into the room, it was like she sensed her daddy there because she'd moved around so much after that it hurt."
Nate smiled at the sleeping baby and stood to put her back in her crib as carefully as he could.
"You don't want to hold her," Serena stated with a frown as she watched Nate walk away. "Or look at her."
"It's just really hard S," Nate said. "This is all really hard."
"Hard, do you know how hard it is not to hold her or touch her?" Serena asked moving closer to the crib to peer at the sleeping child. "To go through 9 months of waiting for the chance to kiss her tiny perfect face and never getting to, it hurts Nate."
"Serena…" Nate began but she turned to him and the look in her eye's told him to shut up.
"You have her all to yourself, she's yours now! You can hold her and kiss her and watch her sleep and watch her grow and when she takes her first step or says her first words, you will be the one there to hug her tight and tell her how proud you are of her and tell her you love her and she'll know that you do, she'll hate me for leaving her much like you do right now."
"Serena I don't hate you, I can never hate you," he said walking toward her and stopping at the last second because he realized that he could not touch her, he couldn't comfort her like he used to.
"You just hate her?" Serena asked pointing to their sleeping baby girl, Nate looked down at the baby, opened and closed his mouth a few times trying to say something to explain his behavior and Serena shook her head. "Nate I fell in love with you because I know how much you care and when I found out I was pregnant I was overjoyed because I knew that no matter what happened you will adore this baby as much as I did, Nate that's who you are, not this cold, heartless person who doesn't want to touch their kid because he's angry at his dead fiancée."
"Ok fine so I'm angry with you," Nate said raising his voice and lifting his arms up a little. "I'm furious that you left me with our baby and I have no idea how to take care of her, everything that you just mentioned I want to experience with you, I want to kiss you when she speaks or walks for the first time, and I want to fight with you about whether she says mom or dad first. I want to hold you when you cry the day she goes on her first date or the day she gets married."
"I will be with you every step of the way Nate, I promise you I will always be with you," Serena said she was crying so hard he could barely make out what she was saying. "Of course I didn't want it to end this way I need you to know that I would have done anything to prevent this."
"But you didn't," Nate said crossing his arms and frowning as he looked at her, her face suddenly became hard and her eye's wild.
"You thought that was a choice? I can't believe you even considered that an option," she screamed. "Abortion was never an option, I wanted this baby so badly Nate, you know how much I wanted her."
"And I told you that I would give you as many kids as you wanted as long as you're alive," he said, standing strong against her.
"I would not kill my child Nate, she was part of me already," Serena said gritting her teeth. "I know how it all ends but I will still do it all again just so she could be born."
"Serena, I miss you," Nate said dropping to the ground. "I don't think I can do this."
Serena's heart broke as she watched him sob, she yearned to reach out and touch him but she knew all that would do was give him an uncomfortable feeling, so she kneeled down next to him.
"I know you can do this Nate," Serena said. "I'm not here physically but I'll be the in spirit, always with you, right here," she said placing her hand over her heart.
"You have to go now," Nate said softly understanding why she said what she did and she nodded.
"I love you more than anything," Serena whispered. "But if you need to then I want you to move on, find someone that will love you and treat Gia like the princess she was born to be."
"I won't do that," he whispered. "I love you, only you."
"You can move on Nate, I won't hold it against you and neither will she," Serena said standing. "But I'll wait for you."
"You better, I can't have some angelic stud taking you away from me," Nate said and Serena smiled at him.
"Don't forget to tell her about me, let her know that I'm her mom and I love her so much, I gave up everything to have her," Serena said. "Keep me with you."
"I'll never forget you S," Nate said standing as well and walking over to the crib to stand next to her. "I'll never let her forget you either."
"I know you won't," Serena said smiling. "Don't shut her out and never let her think my death was her fault."
"It's going to be so hard without you," Nate said and Serena wished she could wipe the tears from his cheeks.
"You'll be fine, she's our baby girl not my killer, remember that and everything will work out," Serena told him stepping away from him. "I hope you remember what I told you about changing a diaper because you're going to need it really soon."
Nate smiled at the teasing voice she used when she walked out of the room. "I love you," he whispered and knew she heard it because of her musical laughter that filled his ears after he said it.
Sighing he turned back to the sleeping child, 'think of her as your daughter not her killer' Nate reminded himself. It took him a moment before the day's events caught up to him and he cried, he felt exhausted the reality of everything Serena had told him was hitting him full force, she was really gone and the baby was really here. The last three months was like a dream for him, he wasn't alive because he couldn't accept it and she just forced him to.
He laughed half way into his breakdown because of course Serena would manage to contact him from the dead just to slap some sense into him. He stood slowly to peer into the crib to really look at his three month old daughter. She looked almost exactly like Serena, she had his crazy hair and the shape of his face but everything else was her mother. Nate wondered how hard it was going to be to look at her when she grew up.
After he was done with his breakdown he wiped his face and tried his hardest to remember what Serena had told him about changing a baby when she began to cry, he picked her up carefully and leaned down to smell her diaper, he winced and scrunched his nose up in disgust because damn he never knew a baby could smell that bad.
Panicking he grabbed his laptop and set it up close to the changing table, he googled how to change a baby and managed to find a video that helped him enough to get the diaper off and clean her up a little before he just gave up and called Blair.
"You have to help me, I cannot remember what Serena told me about changing a baby and now I've got her screaming at me," Nate said as soon as she picked up, his tiny daughter kicking her legs out and crying because she was uncomfortable.
Nate frowned when he heard Blair giggle on the other end of the line and looked down at his daughter who was looking up at him with sad blue eyes reaching out, he touched her fingers but there was no way he was picking her up. "Nate just listen to me," Blair instructed and told him exactly what to do, laughing every time she knew he did something wrong, it took him a while but he finally managed to strap the diaper on properly. He thanked Blair and cut the call before she could laugh at him more.
"Hi," Nate said to the baby waving her arms up to him. "Come here," he said reaching down to pick her up. "Maybe you're not so bad," Nate whispered to her as she tucked her tiny face into his chest falling off to sleep and that's where she fell asleep every night after that until she was about a year old, on his chest.
She took her first steps right into Nate's arms on the anniversary of Serena's death and he hugged her as tight as he could and looked up hoping Serena was watching her too, he made sure she said 'mama' first even though she followed with 'dada' soon after and he treated her exactly like how Serena needed him too, like a little princess.
Nate had a few flings after his mother moved back in with him to help out with her granddaughter but nothing serious, he never introduced them to his daughter because he didn't want to leave her disappointed when another new person in her life left. He tried to keep her life as constant as possible, Chuck and Blair spoiling her more than Nate did at times and Lily and Anne fawning over their only granddaughter. Serena left a box, she had letters for Nate and Gia and jewelry that she wanted her daughter to have and finally hidden deep in the closet was the dream wedding dress Serena never had a chance to use, Blair had given it to Nate shortly after Serena's death, it was one of those things he kept just in case Gia wanted to use it in the future.
Gia went to sleep every night with stories of her mother, Nate told her happy stories and sad stories, he made up stories just by thinking of Serena and he told her memories of their childhood till her heath as best as he could remember, sometimes Blair helped him with his story telling. He kept all his promises to Serena, and was always there for his daughter, he never let the little girl forget who her mother was and he never failed to be amazed at how much the child resembled her mother. Every night when Gia fell asleep, she dreamt of a lady with long blond hair and legs for days and an amazing smile just like all those pictures her daddy showed her and she felt happy, safe and protected because her mommy was with her.
A/N : Hey guys! Thank you for all your support with 'Lips of an Angel' I love the reviews if you havent read it, please check it out, it starts of slow but it gets better, i'll try to have the next chapter out soon!
Ok so this story was actually inspired by One Tree Hill, I was thinking about Lucas and Peyton with baby Sawyer and I wondered what if Peyton didnt make it, there was a story I read on the OTH fandom and its not anything like this fic but I was thinking about it when I wrote Nate's intervention! I love writing Nate and Serena and thats why I wrote this in the Gossip Girl section and not OTH
Basically I just have to say I dont own Gossip Girl or One Tree Hill
I have an idea for a second part but I havent decided whether or not to write it or post it yet, please review and let me know what you think!
I have Twitter for a while and I was thinking if you guys want to follow me then my name is NikNakPaddyWak3, follow me, let me know who you are and I'll follow back!
Until next time (^^,) let me know what you think!