Despite how Far You Are
Summary: Eren keeps on searching for Levi, believing that Levi had gone missing trying to save him. It is only later he realises that no matter how many letters he wrote, how many hours he spent looking for Levi wouldn't bring him back. After the war AU. (Possibly platonic) Ereri, Eren-Mikasa sibling relationship (I honestly don't ship EreMika, but I do ship LeviHan and LeviMika :D). Let's hope it turns out like something vaguely hurt/comfort-ish or angsty.
Song: For Campanella by GUMI
Lyrics: Ashe on DeviantArt (own interpretation), Anime Lyrics (original lyrics). Some lyrics are not in order.
Many thanks to ebonyflower12905 for beta-ing this fic!
'Song lyrics are in italics with a single inverted comma.'
"Some thoughts are in italics with double inverted commas."
Some thoughts are just in italics.
Linebreak is a : )
: )
01. Humanity's Hope
"Levi! Levi!" The boy screams, voice ragged. He stumbles along the bodies of the dead Survey Corps, tripping over some of them.
He doesn't know how many of them died; how many of them died for him.
Smoke rises from the bodies of the slain titans, making it all the harder to find the short captain.
Eren only knows that Levi had tried to save him.
Humanity's Hope.
He did, but…
But still…
Humanity's strongest was gone, but they had won.
Through hope.
: )
02. Searching, searching
'Like a star, overhead…'
"Hanji, is there any news of Levi?" Eren bursts into Hanji's office, startling her from her nap, which resulted with her knocking over the stack of papers near her.
"What happened? What happened?" The brunette starts to grope around her desk for her glasses and puts them on.
"Oh. It's just you, Eren," Hanji sighs. "You scared me. Haven't I told you to knock before entering?"
Again. This boy really doesn't give up, does he?
Eren apologises, promising he would knock before entering the next time.
"Hanji, is there any news of Levi?"
The brunette's face fell a little.
It's been so long already.
"No, Eren. There's nothing," she responded while standing up to put a hand on Eren's shoulder.
The boy looked a little crestfallen.
"Really nothing? Just anything, anything would do! Any small thing? What's happened to Levi?" he begs, holding onto Hanji's free arm.
"Nothing. Not one bit, Eren," she says with certain regret. "If there was, I would've told you."
Eren mutters a soft, disappointed "thank you" and leaves the room, the door closing with a soft click.
: )
03. Can you hear me?
'Another set of feelings that I'm mailing to you…'
To: Levi
From: Eren
Hey Levi,
How are you? Where have you been?
I haven't seen you in a long while, I hope you're okay. I've been good. There aren't any more titans, and we're free to walk around. The Survey Corps are picking off some of the stragglers around the walls, but they're not causing much harm. Despite that most are still pretty apprehensive about going out of the walls. I now take walks with Mikasa, Erwin and Hanji sometimes. Armin… Armin died. He died after you disappeared.
I still remember the time where we looked at the stars together. You told me you don't sleep a lot back then. Do you still sleep that little? I like to go back there anyway, it's a nice place. It reminds me of you.
I don't think you'll ever receive this, but still…
Love, Eren.
'On a plane made of tape and paper…
'Can you hear me?'
: )
04. You've just gone far, far away
'The paper plane flies lazily in an arc…'
"Mikasa, are you going for a walk outside the walls?" Eren inquired, looking up from a book.
Levi's book.
"Mhm. I didn't want to disturb you," she replies gentler than before, and in her hands were a bunch of flowers. Mikasa's changed a lot.
She doesn't wear the scarf Eren gave her that often anymore – though she still does sometimes (and when she's cold) – and she's also become much softer with everyone.
Much more feeling.
"Wait for me please? Give me a moment, I'll go grab my coat." The boy dashes into his room and takes a brown coat off its hook and puts it on.
"Let's go."
It was an autumn's night with the air being slightly chilly. Some of the buildings they passed by were going through reparations even at this hour; some were not.
Their occupants were gone.
They were given a little red-bricked house for their efforts in the war against the titans. From their current house to the outside of the wall took just a little while. A couple of years ago no one would've thought this would be possible.
Now it was up to them, if they wanted to or not.
How many people lost their lives for this freedom?
How many people lived to see it?
"Levi, can you see this? We're free!"
Eren looks up at the sky, breathing in the air of freedom.
They continue with their walk down the paved pathway. Some people had decided to move out of the walls, and had built their own homes outside with little farms and gardens.
"I wish you were here with me."
It wasn't long before they stopped in front of a small headstone before them in a field. The girl puts a red flower before the grave, and continues to walk. She does that for every one that they encounter, until they reached the last one.
The last one was special. It had more flowers than the rest.
Mikasa sets the last red flower in her hands on top of the headstone.
Eren could feel his own eyes tearing up for no particular reason, blurring his vision. He falls to the ground, kneeling in front of the grave.
He remembers something, something buried deep behind his mind.
Something that he doesn't want to remember.
Just for that moment.
'And the paper plane falls to the ground…'
: )
05. I knew it was impossible
'From the start, I knew…'
Eren knocks on the door of Hanji's office.
"Hanji?" he calls out.
No answer.
"Hanji?" He tries again.
"Ah, ah, wait!" a muffled reply came from inside the room.
"Come in!"
A cheery voice greets Eren, far too cheery for such a time in the early morning.
"Eren! What brings you here today?"
"Levi."
Levi.
"Uh… Eren," Hanji begins. She couldn't stand this anymore. Not the brat (really, brat?) coming into her office every morning at some ungodly hour (she sleeps in the office anyway) and disturbing her. Hanji honestly doesn't mind that.
The problem here was the boy's obsession with finding Levi.
He refused to give up.
Hasn't he already accepted that fact?
He's deluding himself. There's no way he would ever find Levi.
Impossible.
'That it was impossible to reach to with a paper plane…'
"Eren. You do know Levi's…"
"Hanji! You forgot the flowers again, have you?"
A straight-faced Erwin leans against the doorway, his eyebrows slightly raised. His eyes were still the same shade of icy blue, but more casual and relaxed. Everyone around Eren seemed to be much stronger, much happier.
But also much more scarred.
"Ah ah ah, Erwin! I'm so sorry! I was… er… sleeping last night," the brunette admits sheepishly.
"Can't be helped. I should've known." The man hands over a bunch of yellow flowers to Hanji. "Yours. You forgot to collect them too."
The brunette scratches the back of her head. "Heh, thanks."
"Eren, what are you doing here?" Erwin asks, walking up to the boy.
"I was asking Hanji if she had any information about Levi. I think you know he's missing, right?" Eren cocks his head slightly to the left.
A pained look flashes across Erwin's face.
"Yeah."
How could I forget that?
"Hey Eren, why not you go back first? It'll be better for us to tell you when we have news about Levi than you running over here every day?"
The boy seemed to consider this offer before nodding his head slowly.
"Thank you."
'It just means that you went far away…
'That's all.'
: )
07. I tried giving you my feelings
'Another set of feelings I'm mailing to you…'
To: Levi
From: Eren
'I'll make a hovercraft, made of a basket and balloons…'
Levi,
How've you been?
It's been so long. I've been waiting for Hanji and Erwin to come, to tell me that you're fine. That you're still somewhere.
I wonder sometimes, if you're still around, why don't you come back to look for me? People surely know your face. They'll know me, too.
I'm just afraid that something has happened to you. Please come back soon.
Love, Eren.
"I just hope that you'll receive this letter."
'I watched it float into the sky, knowing it'd be the same as the last time…'
: )
08. More than hope
'From the start, I knew it would take more than hope…'
Winter.
25th of December.
Levi's birthday.
Eren sat by the fireplace, writing his next letter to Levi.
He never mailed them.
Sometimes, Mikasa would take those letters with her. She told him that she knew a person who knows where Levi is. Eren pestered her to bring him to that person, but Mikasa always refuses, saying that the person wouldn't mail those letters anymore.
It was his only hope that his letters would get to Levi.
Although some part of his brain told him that it was all a story, it wasn't true.
"Levi, I know it'll take just more than hope to reach you, but still…"
"Eren, remember to keep the furnace going!" Mikasa reminds, putting the red scarf around her neck and slipping on her coat. "Wouldn't want you freezing up again," she adds under her breath.
The boy barely looks up. "Okay."
"Wait!" he stops. "I… have another letter for Levi. Would you please help me…?" His voice trails off towards the end. There wasn't much of a need to finish the sentence; Mikasa knew what Eren wanted.
"Sure. It's snowing, but I'll try my best to find him," was the reply from Mikasa, as she took the envelope from Eren.
"And this." The boy hands over a small package. "I wonder if it's okay, but I wanted to give Levi a present. It's fine if the person doesn't want to send it together with the letter," he continues.
The raven nods her head silently. "Is there anything else you want?"
"No."
"Thanks for everything, Mikasa," he adds.
A small smile blooms on Mikasa's face. "Welcome."
The girl opens the door, and a gust of cold air briefly enters the room, bringing along some snow into the house. Then the door closes and the howls stop, leaving Eren all alone at home.
He returns to his seat, choosing a book from the table next to him.
It was a red leather bound book with 'Knitting' in gold cursive font.
Happy Birthday, Eren.
I don't know what you like to read, but I got you this. It's particularly useful when cold.
Levi.
'The meaning was simple, the simplest of meanings…'
: )
09. I wish you were still here
'It just means that you're…'
White covers the graveyard for miles. All the salvageable bodies were buried here after the war. Those whose bodies couldn't be found or were buried had memorials built for them, their names carved into marble.
Mikasa stood in front of a certain grave, head slightly bowed.
"Hey Levi. I'm here again. Eren's requested for me to bring you some things." Mikasa sometimes wondered if Levi hadn't died, how things would be like. She would most likely live together with Eren and Levi, and as much as she would feel like an intruder in the relationship, she preferred to see Eren happy.
She sets down the letter before the grave and opens the package. It was a dark green sweater, the colour similar to the Survey Corps cape.
"There, Levi. I believe Eren wanted you to wear this." The raven swipes the snow that has collected on the surface off the gravestone before unfolding and spreading the sweater over. "I hope you like it."
'…gone…'
"I have something for you too." From her pocket, she takes out a drawing. There was a smiling figure in the drawing with seemingly untainted and innocent bright green eyes.
Eren.
"It's your birthday today. I hope you like it. Happy Birthday." Mikasa sets it down together with the letter near the gravestone, placing pebbles on top of them as a weight so as to make sure they don't fly away.
Mikasa sits down next to the grave despite the cold snow.
"You know, Levi. Actually you're not that bad." The girl has changed a lot. She wasn't that protective of Eren anymore, so she never worried about him going to be bullied or hurt that much anymore.
She knew Levi would protect him.
Because Levi loved him.
"Sometimes, I would think maybe it'd be better for you to have survived, and for me to be the one who takes your place."
Eren would be happier.
It wasn't easy for him to find someone that cared for–
loved –
him.
"Eren loves you a lot, you know? He refuses to admit the fact that you are dead."
He just wants to hold on to that possibility, that thin string of hope that you're still alive.
Mikasa felt a little silly talking to an inanimate object – the headstone, that is. She wondered if Levi could hear her –
or even if there was an afterlife.
He'd better hear her.
Somewhere deep inside, she's still very protective of Eren. The girl is still worried that Eren would be reckless and get himself into trouble.
He always does that, doesn't he?
Levi changed all, making Eren listen to him through authority.
Through trust.
Eren is still reckless, but not as reckless as before. He thinks before he acts sometimes, but they are no longer in any form of danger.
The boy just sits there, in front of the fireplace, writing his letters to Levi, reading, doing mundane things.
Their life now lacked the excitement and danger of before.
Somehow, Mikasa doesn't know if the change is for the better or for worse. They have slipped into their routine; no escaping, no putting their lives in danger, no worrying if they were to still be able to see the sun rise tomorrow.
'I tried giving you my feelings…'
"Eren loves you a lot."
I do too.
"We all miss you Levi."
I wish you were still here.
'I don't know if they still can reach you…'
: )
10. Hope and the cold hard truth
'I put all my emotions into a spaceship…'
The door unlocks with a soft click.
Mikasa steps in, shaking the snow off her coat outside then hanging it on the clothes peg at the side of the door.
"Eren?"
Eren wasn't at his usual place, before the fireplace. The armchair that he sat on was disarrayed with cushions like always, but the table next to it was cleared of all the letters.
The girl senses something amiss.
"Eren?" she calls out again, this time with more anxiety.
Where could he have gone?
Mikasa scans the first floor of their house quickly, and proceeds on to the second when she finds nobody.
The second floor consisted of a bathroom, Mikasa and Eren's rooms, and a study room. Eren could only be in his own room, right at the end of the hallway.
She heads towards the room at the end and pushes the handle down.
The door was unlocked. The raven swings open the door.
Eren was there, sitting in a corner, clutching onto a piece of paper.
"Eren?" the girl asks softly, approaching and then kneeling on one knee down before him.
'And now I'll go find you again…'
"Mikasa," he sobs, putting his head on Mikasa's shoulder. "Mikasa, L-Levi… he's dead."
"He's dead," the boy repeats, seeming to be in a daze.
Mikasa puts a hand on Eren's.
"You remember everything?"
'From the start, I knew that…'
He squeezes her hand tightly. Mikasa could feel Eren's tears seeping through the material of her dress. She could feel the warmth of his tears on her shoulder, cooling with the cold temperature of Eren's room.
"Mikasa, why? Why did Levi have to die? Why did he have to save me?" Eren was babbling incoherently into Mikasa's shoulder, his grip on her hand tighter than before.
"It's not your fault, Eren. Levi saved you because he loved you."
"But he died because of me!"
"He might have died for you, Eren, but he saved humanity. You are Humanity's Hope."
What's more than hope? That thin veil of hope?
"Still, Mikasa, still…"
"Sh, Eren. It's not your fault, don't blame yourself anymore."
"How can I not?" Eren balls his hands into fists, body trembling. "He – Levi, Levi died because of me. If not for me, he would still be here! With all of us!"
"Eren…"
On that winter day, that thin veil of hope had been lifted.
All that was left was the cold hard truth.
'You were gone,
'And I really knew it all along.'
: )
11. After winter
'This isn't the ending…'
To: Levi
From: Eren
Hey Levi,
I remember everything. I know you're gone, but I hope you'll still receive this letter. I hope you'll open it, I hope you'll read it.
It's spring already. It's been almost two years since we won. And since you've been gone. I love you a lot still, but I have no idea what to write. I feel as if I've got so many things to tell you, but it's not going to be the same as if you were here with me.
All I can tell you is that I really love you, and I… I'll be starting anew without you.
I really wish you were here with me. I really really miss you.
I love you.
Love, Eren.
'…but just the beginning.'
: )
Getting to you is hard, but I'm sure I'll see you one day. I hope that day comes soon.
: )
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A/N: Okay so I'm done. I hope you liked it. Um… Yeah. Anyways feel free to drop a review on what you think of this story. Was the pace too fast? Too slow? Was it confusing? Did the characters seem too OOC?
Also, lovely crystinablue101 has written an alternative ending to this, Despite how Far You Are 2!