Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass.
A/N: This is alot longer than the usual CG crack fics, huh?
At least I don't actually need to take any drugs to come up with this stuff!
It was lunch break at Ashford Academy, and the members of the Student Council had decided to eat together at the same table. However, instead of their usual chatty nature, the group seemed rather...uncomfortable about something.
Thrusting his fork into a large chunk of undercooked meat on his plate, Rivalz stated, "Lelouch Lamperouge...god knows I love ya, but I really think we should talk about why exactly we're meeting here today..."
Milly, Shirley and Kallen all nodded their heads in agreement.
Lelouch knew this would happen. "Alright...what is it?"
"You see," Rivalz explained, his expression very serious, "It's been bothering me for a while...actually, it's been bothering all of us for a while. I've wanted to speak up about it, but I was afraid I'd hurt your feelings..."
"It's okay...you can tell me..." Lelouch said, smiling softly.
Rivalz closed his eyes and let out a heavy sigh. "Well...it's just...we all really want to know..."
He pointed at Charles Zi Britannia, who was sitting beside Lelouch as he happily slurped on a bowl of ramen noodles.
"...why the hell that old guy is following you around everywhere..." Rivalz concluded.
Lelouch face-palmed, his cheeks slightly flushed from embarrassment, as he replied, "It's just my dad, you guys. Apparently, the superintendent thinks I've been 'acting out' because I haven't had any parental figures in my life for so long, so he's set us up to spend the entire day together...I'm really sorry about all of this..."
Slamming his now-empty ramen cup onto the table, Charles stood up and snapped, "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU APOLOGIZING TO THESE DAMN WORTHLESS LOSERS?!!! YOU'RE BETTER THAN THEM, SON!!! YOU'RE A FUCKIN' PRINCE, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!! YOU SHOULD BE MAKING THEM GROVEL AT YOUR FEET, AND FORCING THAT BLONDE GIRL," he pointed at a rather frightened Milly, "TO SUCK YOUR DICK!! GO ON, YOU BLONDE WHORE, SUCK MY BISHOUNEN SON'S LITTLE PECKER!!!"
Milly let out a shriek and ran away, sobbing loudly.
"DAAAAAAAAAD!!!" Lelouch groaned, "STOP EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS!!! WHY ARE YOU ACTING SO OUT OF CHARACTER, ANYWAY?! YOU THINK I'M WORTHLESS, TOO, RIGHT?!!"
"DON'T BE RIDICULOUS!!! AFTER I GOT THAT CALL FROM THE SUPERINTENDENT, I'VE REALIZED WHAT A HORRIBLE FATHER I'VE BEEN, AND I'M GOING TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU, MY DEAR SON!! I PROMISE!!!"
Lelouch gasped. "Does that mean...you'll take me and Nunnally back to Britannia?!"
"Nope!"
"Dammit...!!"
Charles turned his attention to Rivalz, who immediately froze up in fear. "And you," Charles roared, "Should not be speaking in such a way to my son!! I mean...look at you!! You probably masturbate a whole lot when you think no one's lookin', huh? You're such a useless minor character!!! Fuck, just LOOKING at you is pissing me off!!!"
Rivalz was speechless; how did this crazy old man know about his 'sexual problem'?
"YOU TWO," Charles continued his rant, now bringing his wrath down upon Shirley and Kallen, "I BET YOU WANNA HAVE SOME DICK UP THE ASS, HUH?!! A LITTLE...D-D-D-DILDO??!!! PARMESAN CHEDDAR!!! SPREAD IT ON THE MUSTARD AND YOU GET...CUM!!! YOU OVERLY-SEXUALIZED HORNY FIENDS, TRYING TO FORCE MY SON INTO A RELATIONSHIP WHEN HE'S STILL BARELY OLD ENOUGH TO EVEN GO TO THE BATHROOM BY HIMSELF!!! YOU TWO SHOULD BE ASHAMED!!! IF YOU ARE WILLING TO GIVE UP YOUR ENTIRE HUMANLY ESSENCE SO THAT MY SON CAN USE YOU BOTH AS HIS SEX-PUPPETS, I WILL FORGIVE YOU!!! SO...WHAT DO YOU SAY?!!"
Shirley stood up with a look of determination on her face. "I'LL DO IT!!!"
"Be quiet, you moron!" Kallen smacked her in the back of the head.
Lelouch buried his face in his hands, completely mortified by his dad's actions. "Goddammit, dad," he hissed, "What the fuck is wrong with you...?!!"
"IT MAY BE BECAUSE OF ALL THOSE DRUGS I SNORTED ON THE WAY OVER HERE," Charles replied, "OR I'M JUST FEELING THE URGE TO BE 'FATHERLY'!!! EITHER WAY...I WILL NOT REST UNTIL YOU GET THE RESPECT YOU TRULY DESERVE!!!"
"GAH!! I...CAN'T...TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!" Lelouch screamed in fury, and he stomped off...only to come back a few moments later with a giant chainsaw.
Charles gasped, and slowly started to back away, saying, "W...W...Whoa there, sonny boy...n-no need to get v-v-violent now..."
"THIS IS WHY I WANT TO CRUSH FUCKIN' BRITANNIA!!!!" Lelouch screeched, and the chainsaw roared to life as he charged straight at his father.
"HOLY CRAP!!!!" Charles jumped out the nearby window, and despite shards of glass sticking into his skin, he quickly ran down the grassy hill, only for a passing gardening truck to hit him. For some odd reason, the driver of the vehicle had a disturbing resemblance to C.C.
Lelouch smirked. 'JUST AS I PLANNED.'
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After spending a few hours in the infirmary, Charles came out looking good as new.
"Wow...those steroids really DO heal injuries at miraculous speeds!!" he exclaimed in amazement.
The nurse, who was a 24-year-old woman with massive biceps, smiled innocently. "It's all in the job!"
"I should take some of that stuff back home as a souvenir for the kids...they'll love it!!"
"I'm sure they will..."
Charles was surprised to see Lelouch was sitting in the waiting room, reading a playboy magazine while looking extremely turned off.
"THERE YOU ARE, MY SON!!!" Charles cried, pulling his child into a tight hug, "I'M SO HAPPY THAT YOU CAME HERE TO PICK ME UP!!!"
"Actually...I came here to make sure you were dead..." Lelouch replied bluntly.
Charles burst out into full-blown laughter. "WA HA HA HA!!! OH, YOU KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS!!!"
"No, really...I brought a scalpel to cut open your throat and everything..." Lelouch said, taking out said scalpel as proof.
"BWA HA HA HA HA HA!!! OH GOD, LELOUCH, YOU ARE DEFINITELY THE MOST HILARIOUS THING SINCE THAT TIME EUPHIE DIED!!!"
"...But that was SAD..."
"I KNOW!!! WHICH IS WHY IT WAS SO DAMN FUNNY!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"
Lelouch facepalmed once again. "Ugh..."
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"Lelouch, you really need to get rid of your dad!! He's more annoying than Rolo!!!" Kallen exclaimed during a school council meeting. The group had avoided discussing this problem UNTIL Charles excused himself to use 'The Little Emperor's Room', and then the topic was immediately brought up for complaint.
"HE TRIED TO MAKE ME STRAIGHT BY SHOVING HIS CORNDOG IN MY MOUTH!!!" Nina complained.
"HE SAID HE'D HAVE ME ARRESTED FOR PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION...AND HE WAS THE ONE HUGGING ME!!!" Rivalz complained.
"HE KNOCKED ME UNCONSCIOUS, KIDNAPPED ME, AND STRIPPED MY UNCONSCIOUS BODY IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE FOOTBALL TEAM!!!" Milly complained.
"HE GAVE ME A POSTCARD THAT READ 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY...NOW BURN IN HELL' ON IT...SEVEN MONTHS BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY!!!" Shirley complained.
"HE STUCK A FRICKIN' BANANA UP MY TIGHT ASSHOLE!!!" Kallen complained, and she turned around to show a banana sticking halfway out of her tight asshole, "AND NOW I CAN'T GET IT OUT!!!!"
"SO...WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO?!!" everyone shouted in unison.
Lelouch couldn't take it anymore. Getting out of his chair, he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a small pistol.
"I'll...deal with him myself..." Lelouch said gravely, and then he walked out the door without another word.
No one said anything.
A few minutes later, a loud bang was heard, and Rivalz and the others knew the deed was done. Then, the door swung open, and Charles walked in, carrying Lelouch's dead body over his shoulder.
Another awkward silence befell them.
"...He tripped just as he pulled the trigger..." Charles finally said.