Disclaimer: Not in any way mine. If it was there would be much more kissing and Vince would still be blonde :)
Howard
I don't know why I even bothered coming back. I suppose it's because I missed him. Despite everything, I missed him. And for some reason I hoped that maybe he was missing me as well, so I told Jurgen I wouldn't be working with him anymore (after all, it wasn't really giving up on my dream - I'd wanted to work with him and I had. Even if it was just once), and I headed back to the Nabootique.
Only of course he hadn't missed me. Not me as a person anyway. He just needed someone jazzy and unfashionable to make him look better. They'd replaced me with someone who looked like me. Only younger. I don't know why that hurt so much, but it did.
I've been back for three days now and Vince hasn't said one word to me. Not one. I went upstairs to escape their cruel laughter at my advert, and since then he hasn't spoken to me. I didn't expect an apology, I'm not that naïve, but I must say I'm surprised he hasn't said anything else. All I've had are glares and moody silences. This morning Vince actually got up and left the room halfway through a TV show just because I came in.
So no, I don't know why I came back. I don't know why I thought maybe he'd missed me, it's so obvious he hates me. Even indifference would be better than the reality; at least then I'd know he'd just got bored and moved on. But it's more than that, he actually hates me. And I can't for the life of me think why.
I'm sitting in my room now, case packed. I've been sat here for about 15 minutes now, although I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. If I don't move soon then Vince will come back and I wont be able to leave in secret. And it's not that I'm afraid that maybe he'll try to make me stay.
It's that I'm afraid he wont.
And in spite of everything I still love him. I've always loved him, I always will love him, and I don't think I'm strong enough to cope with him not caring if I leave.
Right. That's it. I'm going now. I'm not going to change my mind, no sir, I'm going before he comes back.
I'll miss this shop. It's an awful, awful place; with so many bad memories, but I'll miss it all the same. The counter where Stationary Village used to stand looks strangely empty. I carefully dismantled it and placed everything in the cupboard. I considered taking it with me, but at the end of the day it's Naboo's stationary and it doesn't feel right stealing from him. I have taken pencil 17 though. The odd pencil. It's my favourite one, I think it used to be Vince's because it's blue and sparkly and seems to shimmer in the light, whereas all the other pencils are fine sensible block colours. If Naboo notices it missing I can always deny it…
"Fuck!"
I wheel round to see Vince rubbing his ankle and scowling at me. He must have tripped over my bag, which I'd left near the door (a blatant disregard of health and safety I know, but I was feeling reckless.)
"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" he demanded. "I could have broken my fucking neck!"
I can see his eyes watering at the pain, and I long to step forwards and hug him. To kiss him. To make it better. But I can't, so I stay put. "Maybe you should look where you're going." I tell him. Vince glares down at the offending bag.
"What's this anyway?"
"I'm leaving."
His head shoots up. "But you only just got back!"
"Yeah, and now I'm leaving again." I push past him and pick up my bag. "Goodbye, Vince."
"You can't just leave!"
I feel a surge of hope. "Why not?"
"Well for a start how's Naboo gonna find a new shopkeeper at this short notice? You're a fucking selfish bastard, you know that?"
Oh. He doesn't want me to stay after all. Stupid, Stupid Howard. Why do you do this to yourself?
"It didn't take him so long last time." I snap. "I was gone, what…a day before you found someone new and moved on?"
"What did you expect, for us to wait around?"
"No, but I hoped it might have taken you longer than 24 hours to get over me leaving, Vince! We've been together, what, ten years now? And the second I'm not in your eye line you forget I exist!" I turn to leave. I can't take this, I can't, I have to go now, before he says anything else…
"That is such self pitying crap and you know it!"
"I don't care what you think." I do. I really, really do.
"Oi! Don't walk away from me, I'm talking to you!"
"I don't care!"
"What the hell is your problem?!"
This is all too much. If we're going to end with an argument then I'm sure as hell going to tell him what I think. I spin round angrily. "I came back for you!" it's louder than I intend and the shop seems to ring with it. "You think the 'windy blast fast' advert was the only thing I had going for me? I had offers, Vince, I could be somewhere by now but I gave it all up for you because I missed you and for some stupid reason I thought maybe you'd miss me as well, that beneath all that bitchy-ness the Vince Noir I fell in love with was still in there. I know you don't like me, and that's fine, but I am not going to stay somewhere where you can't even be civil!"
Vince is staring at me now. "Love?" he says quietly.
What's he on about now? "What?"
"You just said…" he trails off, a small smirk on his face. I feel a surge of irritation.
"I just said what? I don't have all day Vince, I've got…I've got a taxi…" I trail off, rewinding what I just said in my head. Oh no. Oh fuck. No wonder he's smirking at me. I just told him I loved him.
Oh this is all I need.
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Vince
I really should be getting back to the flat. I wonder if Naboo'll be home when I get in? I hope so, the thought of having to spend any time alone with Howard makes me feel almost physically sick.
Ever since he got back he hasn't spoken to me.
When he walked through that door I thought my stomach was going to jump out of my mouth. He upped and left without a second thought about me, and now he was back. Only now he wont speak to me. I know I shouldn't have laughed at the advert, but it was quite funny, and it's not my fault he couldn't get any other acting work. Maybe if I'd gone with him it would have worked, I could have been his stylist or something. But he never asked me to go with him. And that hurt, more than I thought possible. Because even if I'd made it with the Black Tubes I would have brought Howard along with me.
He's the one in the wrong here and I'm damned if I'm going to speak before he apologises.
I've been doing my best to let him know how hurt I was when he left, but he doesn't seem to care. All my glances and glares just get a cold stare in return. This morning was awful, all I did was get up from the sofa to get a blanket (it was bloody freezing) and he looked at me like I'd just done something awful like exposed myself in public.
He resents me. I know he does. He blames me for his acting failing, although I can't think why…I miss him. I miss the banter and the crimps. Maybe I should just talk to him, stop being so childish and waiting for an apology. He clearly isn't sorry, so why would he apologise?
I can see the light's not on in the shop. That's good, because it means Howard's in the flat and I can probably escape upstairs without him noticing. If I see him, I'll talk to him, but my brain cell doesn't seem so keen on that idea.
As I walk through the front door my foot collides with something lying on the floor and I have to leap to avoid falling on my arse. "Fuck!" my ankle really hurts.
A slight sound alerts me to someone else's presence and I look up, scowling, to see Howard. "What the fuck is wrong with you?! I could have broken my fucking neck!" he stares at me impassively and I have to blink back sudden tears. Obviously he doesn't notice my eyes watering because he just tells me to watch where I'm going. I look down at what I tripped over and see it's a large black bag.
He's packed a bag. Surely not…
"What's this anyway?"
"I'm leaving."
No…he can't. He can't leave me again. "But you only just got back!"
"Yeah, and now I'm leaving again." he shoves me aside and picks up the bag. He shoots me a cold glance. "Goodbye, Vince."
"You can't just leave!" I say desperately. He pauses, not looking at me.
"Why not?"
What can I say? 'you can't leave because I love you and it'll break my heart'? He wouldn't care…quick think of something, think of something…ah! "Well for a start how's Naboo gonna find a new shopkeeper at this short notice? You're a fucking selfish bastard, you know that?"
"It didn't take him so long last time. I was gone, what…a day before you found someone new and moved on?"
"What did you expect, for us to wait around?"
"No, but I hoped it might have taken you longer than 24 hours to get over me leaving, Vince! We've been together, what, ten years now? And the second I'm not in your eye line you forget I exist!"
Ouch. That was below the belt. He's leaving. Oh God, he's actually leaving…he wont stay if I plead, so maybe he'll stay if I argue?
"That is such self pitying crap and you know it!"
"I don't care what you think." that hurts. He used to care a lot. I feel a rush of panic as he reaches for the handle. Despite the number of times he's left and come back, for some reason this feels a lot more…final.
"Oi! Don't walk away from me, I'm talking to you!"
"I don't care!"
"What the hell is your problem?!"
He spins around then, so quickly I actually take a step backwards. "I came back for you!" He yells. I can't think of a response. What does that even mean? "You think the 'windy blast fast' advert was the only thing I had going for me? I had offers, Vince, I could be somewhere by now but I gave it all up for you because I missed you and for some stupid reason I thought maybe you'd miss me as well, that beneath all that bitchy-ness the Vince Noir I fell in love with was still in there. I know you don't like me, and that's fine, but I am not going to stay somewhere where you can't even be civil!"
He had other offers? So he didn't come back because he had to…but then why has he been being such a prick for days? And…hold on.
Did he just say 'fell in love with'?
Surely not. I must have misheard. The idea is laughable.
"Love?"
He looks confused. "What?"
"You just said…"
"I just said what? I don't have all day Vince, I've got…I've got a taxi…" He didn't mean it. If he meant it he'd say it again. I smile bitterly, cursing that I even paid attention. This is worse than if he'd not said anything at all.
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Howard
I don't understand. Why isn't he laughing at me? "But, um…" Vince blinks and shakes his head, as though trying to clear it. "Love?" he repeats. This isn't fair. I'm not going to stand here and let him do this to me.
"I have to go, Vince."
"You can't just say something like that and walk away from me!"
I pause. "Actually I think that's a very good reason to walk away from you!"
"Why?"
I spin round. He's watching me, looking completely bewildered. Does he honestly not know what he's like? "Why do you think?! Haven't you hurt me enough, hmm? Do you need to get a few more insults in? Torture me endlessly about this?"
"No! I just want you to talk to me…"
Talk to him. talk to him? After everything that's happened he wants to sit down and talk like we're on Trisha or something? I'm not going to give him the satisfaction. "Fine! I love you. I. Love. You. It's pathetic and it's stupid and I hate myself a little for it, but I do. Is that what you wanted to hear? Are you happy now?" I yell at him. His eyes go wide with shock and he gapes at me. I'm about to walk away when he steps forwards, walking towards me. He reaches me, standing just a little bit too close, and reaches up. For a second, I think he's going to hit me, but he doesn't. he gently traces my face with his fingers, watching their progress intently as though fascinated. He drags his index finger over my lips and my eyes flutter closed involuntarily.
"Yeah." he breaths, his voice slightly husky. I'm about to ask what he means when he kisses me softly. Caught off-guard, I respond. It's only when he applies a little more pressure and his hands snake up to my neck that it dawns on me what I'm doing. I push him away, slightly harder than necessary.
"What the fuck to you think you're doing?" I hiss. This is just taking the bullying too far. This is now the third time I've told him I love him. The first time he laughed, the second time he told me I'd gone wrong…but this is so much worse than that. Why is he doing this.
"You…you said you loved me."
"What, so you thought you'd have a laugh about it? One last attempt to humiliate me?"
"For God's sake Howard." Vince snaps, his eyes flashing. "You make me sick sometimes, you really do."
"I make you sick?!"
"Yeah! All this self pitying crap! It's no wonder you're still a virgin, as soon as someone genuinely tries to get close to you, you assume they're taking the piss! You fixate on all these unavailable women because there's no danger that they'll ever care about you, which might mean you have to be vulnerable. I don't know why I even bother! There is something seriously fucking wrong with you, you know that? Fucking idiot!"
He stands there, glaring at me, breathing hard after his outburst. He looks furious.
I'm not sure how it happens, I'm not consciously aware of either of us moving, but suddenly his mouth is on mine again, forceful, hungry. His fingers are tangled in my hair, pulling me close. I bring my hands up to his own hair, fully expecting to be thrown off, but instead he makes a low keening noise in his throat and grips me tighter, as though trying to push our faces closer together than physically possible.
I feel dizzy and light headed. All I can think of is Vince, and how good he tastes, and how I never want this moment to end. This is a joke, it has to be, because there's no way the sunshine kid could ever want me. But for now I can close my eyes and pretend.
He starts to pull back but I push my head forwards, not wanting to break the contact. He allows me to keep kissing him for a few seconds and then pulls back again, more forcefully this time. He looks down at the floor and laughs breathlessly. His hands are still in my hair.
"Bloody hell, Howard! I nearly fainted!" I'm not sure if this is good or bad, so I say nothing. He rests his forehead against mine, our noses just touching. "Please don't leave me again." he whispers. This brings me back to my senses. I pull back so his arms fall back to his sides. He looks at me, confused. "Howard?"
"I can't do this. Not with you."
"Why not?"
I look at him. "I left with Jurgen Haabermaaster and you instantly replaced me. If you had any feelings for me…"
"Howard, he was a fucking assistant! He's the son of that weird old lady a couple of streets away. The one with the cardigan, you know? Did you really think an actual employee would accept being fired so easily?"
"I don't…You don't want me, Vince."
"I don't want you? You didn't even think about me when you left! You didn't even tell me! I got back to the flat and you'd left a fucking note! Do you have any idea how that made me feel? You really hurt me, Howard. So don't you dare tell me how I'm supposed to feel!"
"I didn't think you'd care."
Vince stares at me for a few seconds. "Of course I cared." he says softly. He places his hands on my chest, looking up at me. "I've always cared."
"But…the graffiti…the cape…"
"I'm so, so sorry Howard. I honestly never meant to hurt you, I just…forgive me?"
I brush a lock of hair off his face. He's so beautiful. I think I would forgive him anything.
"Please say you forgive me, Howard. I'll beg. On my knees if that's what it takes."
A sudden mental image of Vince on his knees, doing something other than begging, enters my mind. I can feel my face growing hot. Vince raises an eyebrow.
"I could do that to if you want." he breathes.
"What…um…do what?"
He chuckles. "Howard, sometimes it is far too obvious what you're thinking."
"So what am I thinking now?"
"You're thinking you should unpack that bag. And then you should…" he whispers something deliciously filthy in my ear, and the room instantly feel a lot hotter.
"I think that's what you're thinking, little man." I choke out. He grins wolfishly. Oh God, he's intoxicating.
"Well what say we do it anyway."
"I don't…um…"
His face softens instantly. "Howard, it's ok." he assures me. What's ok? "I'll take it slow." he kisses me again, soft and sweet. I can feel myself getting light headed again, losing control. "After all," he murmurs against my mouth, "once you make that leap across the physical boundary, it'll be forever, sir." I laugh. I can't help it. Vince pouts at me. "What?"
"Please never quote me again. Especially not things I say when I'm drunk."
Vince grins. "Deal. But can you please unpack that bag now?" he takes hold of my hand and puts my finger in his mouth, sucking it gently whilst looking into my eyes.
"V-Vince?"
He smiles again. "I think we've both got a lot to make up to each other for."