To Jason- ch1
misanoe
It started with two words printed carefully across an empty postcard; ITo Jason. /I
It had been three months since she had disappeared, leaving a note in her studio with the same neat handwriting that spoke to all that knew her.
Don't look for me.
Yet they did, some more then others. For three months Jason had relentlessly searched for clues of her whereabouts. Exhausting all of his and Sonny's resources in the process to no avail. She didn't want to be found.
He had been at his apartment when he heard the light thuds of her footsteps, she hesitated before his door. He knew she was there but made no move to open it, instead, he silently waited for her to tap against the door or call out his name. She never did and when he heard the sound of her retreating, he didn't go after her. He had seen her on the docks less then an hour ago and did not feel like chasing after her anymore.
It wasn't until the next day when he left his apartment that he saw the small piece of paper taped to his door. There were two words.
I'm sorry.
As soon as he saw the note a part of him demanded he run to Elizabeth's studio to see if she was okay. Squashing that annoying voice, he forced himself to continue the day as normally as possible, finding excuses to constantly pass buy the docks outside her studio, or buying numerous cups of coffee at Kelley's throughout the day, hoping to bump into her.
When the day had turned into night and he had yet to catch a glimpse of her, he ended up in front of her studio. Standing outside for minutes, he knocked on the solid door. Quietly he waited for any sign of life on the other side of the door.
"Elizabeth."
If he thought the sound of his voice calling her would invoke a barrage of footsteps, he was sadly mistaken. It became apparently obvious that no one was going to open the door so he pulled out his key that he had made when he installed her door. At the time he had convinced himself that having the extra key to Elizabeth's studio was a security issue. Unlocking the door he opened the room and walked inside, stumbling when his foot caught on a broken piece of wood on her floor.
Flicking on the light, panic threatened to overwhelm as he saw the chaos her room was in. There were canvass broken and torn, strewn across the floor. Her pictures were slashed and paint had been flung across the walls, vibrant colors dripping to the floor.
Trying to suppress his anxiety, he quickly checked the area looking for any signs or clues of what had transpired. It was then he saw his broken reflection in her shattered mirror, shards of glass coated with dried blood, a message scrawled for all to read.
A lump was caught in his throat and somehow he knew, Elizabeth had been thinking of him when she had written those words.
Three months later Jason had found a postcard in his mailbox. Confused he turned it around, almost missing the two small words.
To Jason.
Afterwards postcards would come sporadically. Some weeks he would get a postcard, others would get none. Although the places on the cards differed, all were empty except for the same two words written carefully next to his address. Each card was of a different popular tourist sites he believed she was visiting. She had always wanted to see the world- he had once hoped that he would be the one to show her.
The cards began to decrease over time, until a month had passed by and he had not received anything from her. Frustration was slowly driving him insane and he became amazed at how much the postcards had meant to him.
Somehow he felt that as long as she sent him anything, she was keeping her presence known to him. She was reminding him of her existence, in return telling him she thought of him. That she still cared.
Slowly the door crept open as the hidden intruder pushed their way through his dark apartment. He had been sitting in his sofa staring vacantly at his wall as he did most times when he was unable to sleep. The empty silence was broken by a shuffling outside his door. Slowly the knob turned and Jason briefly wondered if he had left the door unlocked as he waited for the intruder with a gun in his hand pointed towards the door. Waiting calmly until the person had stepped completely inside his apartment and shut the door, he flicked on his light.
"What do you want?"
Large brown eyes looked at his gun with surprise and a slight amount of fear, as she stood frozen in his doorway.
"Elizabeth?" Jason asked, frozen disbelief while he drank up the appearance of the girl before him.
Giving him a hesitant smile her eyes focused on his gun.
"You gonna shoot me?"
Looking down, Jason realized his gun was pointed towards her. Quickly he put it down on the small table beside him.
Standing alone before him, he could tell she was nervous. She shifted her body weight back and forth as she waited for him to end the silence.
A grin appeared on his face as he realized that she was in front of him. Continuing to scrutinize her face, his eyes narrowed as he remembered her disappearance.
Elizabeth's smile became nervous as he strode towards her with a not so happy frown plastered on his face. His hand shot out and he gripped her by her arm and pulled her up to chest.
"Six months?" He stated calmly, his voice devoid of emotion.
Tilting her head up to stare at his eyes, her expression became confused at his unexpected question.
"Why did you leave me for so long?"
"I-" Elizabeth hesitated.
"Did you find what you were looking for?"
A wry smile appeared on her face as she vaguely commented, "You always knew me better then I knew myself." Looking down she began to twist her fingers together in anxiety. Taking a deep breath to steel herself she looked back up and stared straight into his blue eyes. "I tried, and I ended up here. I always end up here."
"I know." He stated simply without a trace of anger or resentment. "I've always waited for you."
Elizabeth's mind delved into memories, remembering the many times she had sought his comforting presence.
It was then Jason noticed a way ward strand of dark hair in her eye. Unable to help himself he lifted his right hand and slowly brushed it out of her face and behind her ear. His hand lingered on her soft skin and he used his thumb to trace her bottom lip. Leaning in to kiss her, the sudden ringing of his fire alarm seared through the air.
Jason groaned as he opened his eyes. Slumped in his sofa, his eyes darted around and he realized the ringing as his cell phone. Reaching for his phone, he cursed person that had woken him up from his dream.
Flipping it open he brought the phone to his ear and curtly answered, "Hello?"
Silence answered him and he nearly hung up when he heard the slight sound of a muffled sob.
"Hello?" He repeated.
He waited for a minute, an instinct keeping him from hanging up before a lost and forlorn voice asked a question, "Jason?"
His throat tightened as he instantly placed the voice.
"Elizabeth."
"Elizabeth?" Jason asked again, keeping his voice leveled and controlled as he listened on while she tried to steady her breathing. Thoughts were running a million miles a second in his head and imaginary scenarios of evil mob guys kidnapping her to get to him was running rampant in his imagination.
"What's wrong?" He continued in a soothing voice, trying to keep a steady conversation going so she wouldn't hang up.
"I'm so sorry Jason." He heard her whisper into the phone. "I'm so sorry." Sobbing ensued once again, leaving Jason on the other side of the phone bewildered.
"What happened Elizabeth?" Jason asked again, the sounds of her sobs over the phone making him feel utterly helpless.
"I hurt you." She continued to babble into the phone, a nervous wreck of jumbled words. "I kept hurting you and I didn't know why. I didn't know how to stop."
To deny her self-accusations he would have to lie. She had hurt him, over and over again. And although he would move mountains to prevent her from feeling a single hurt, he said he wouldn't lie to her, so he didn't.
"If I had never met you, I would have gone through life empty inside and I would never know why. I would never know it was you I was missing." Jason tried to explain to them both, "What I feel for you is a big part of me. If you hurt me, you only can because I care about you. You make me feel."
"How can you care so much?" She demanded, trying to understand how she could put him through so much hurt and he would forgive her and continue to care.
"I just do."
"I'm sorry." Her voice became soft and defeated.
"For?"
"I'm sorry that you care about me."
"Don't be sorry." He answered, his voice strong with conviction. "Never about that. And don't worry about me, take care of yourself. If I think you're not going to be okay it'll drive me crazy and I'll have to hunt you down wherever you are to make sure you're okay."
There was a silence before Elizabeth replied.
"You wouldn't be able to find me."
"Maybe." He replied honestly, "But that hasn't kept me from trying."
"I told you not to look for me."
Jason shrugged to himself. "I know."
"I-" Elizabeth paused and Jason waited patiently for her to continue. Every second on the phone with her he savored. "I didn't want you to find me. Didn't want to continue this circle." She tried to explain. "I left because I was tired. I was tired of hurting. I was tired of hurting you."
Jason opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by Elizabeth.
"I can't come back now. I've found a new reason to stay away. I'm broken and I need to fix myself." Elizabeth took a painful breath and continued, "I want to be whole when I see you." A small sob managed to find a way out of her lips. "I don't want to hurt you anymore."
"Do what you need to do." His voice was hoarse, "Whatever it takes," he whispered. "I hate it when you cry."
The sobs increased as she heard his words. "I'll come back." She swore into the phone as she continued to silently cry. "I may not deserve you, but I love you. I don't want to live without you in my life."
Jason's mouth went dry as he felt an emotional whirlwind take life within him.
"I have to go."
"Elizabeth," he quickly called out before she could hang up. "I'm not going anywhere."
She made no reply.
A week later Jason received a cardboard envelope the size of a sheet of paper. When he opened it a slip of canvas fell into his waiting hand. There was no letter or note. Instead it was a vibrant picture painted with oils. He was staring at a deep red glass vase that sat in a window sill breaking the sun's rays into dancing little rainbows across the room.
"But first, Venice because, you know, they say the light there is different than any other place in the world. And also I want to go see the glass blowers so I can have something made, like the piece of red glass you gave me. But I want a vase so I can paint it full of flowers in a window with the light coming through it if I can"
Jason smiled as the unbidden image of Elizabeth dressed up in her black dress with her hair piled on her head came to mind. When he looked at the picture in his hands, he knew she painted for him. And if it was possible, he loved her even more.