Chapter One – Cheese, what cheese?

Gio strode away from Betty Suarez, intent on putting space between himself and his lost hopes and memories… yet subconsciously listening as he walked with that confident air so reminiscent of him to the sound of the telephone tone burring from within her room until it slowly disappeared. Waiting, for what he didn't know he got ever closer to the stairway that led from this maze of apartments to the outside world, a world that now seemed cold and harsh to him. Then, soft but as load as a church bell peeling to his keen ears the final click that he hoped would never happen as the door closed on that bright, warm interior that epitomised Betty Suarez's personality sounded. How it mirrored in time his forced, urgent opening of the door onto the early evening, dark, grey stairwell that lay before him echoing the sounds of the New York streets beneath, its vitality, its life and loneliness.

Suddenly tired, knowing no one was going to quietly chase after him, touch him on the shoulder as a little last goodbye, whisper his name "Gio", graze a gentle 'friendly' kiss to suggest a future he felt somehow immobilised as the floor seemed to turn to sponge under his feet for a brief moment. His heart simultaneously filled out and deflated to nothingness as he realised the end of it all, it's finality, no more Suarez, Betty…. 'B' in his life. I could come back when I was ready he thought, she'd said that but he knew 'they' could never be as it was; their situation had changed, his, however had not. His heart, though damaged still belonged to her, missed and yearned to stay close to its mistress already. He had fallen at last for a woman, for no reason and not part of his plan yet it had been automatic, invisible in its power almost and it was irreversible and hopeless.

A need to race to the sanctuary of his van grasped at him, to allow him to breath, think, calm down yet every nerve and sinew of his small but perfect frame tensed as he sped down the stairs, never thinking of his safety just the desire to get away.. as far away as possible to familiarity and home. Boy he needed to be near people that loved and cared for him, to re-focus himself, mend, feel again and find the Gio that had been lost from that fateful day he'd sold one Turkey and sun dried tomato baguette to a certain personal assistant of Daniel Meade and lost his heart in payment, though he did not know it then. No! he was lying to himself he'd known Betty Suarez before, from afar but even then she hadn't seen 'him' only his outer persona. Still, unknown to her she'd put an unexplainable spell on him, why, how he didn't know, she was so 'not his type'. God he wished he'd never met her!

Putting the key in the van door, throwing his precious, but now unimportant cargo of cheese on the passenger seat, turning the ignition, driving the van, doing anything he could in automatic mode to get back to sanity he was aware of nothing and no one. No one except the memory of Betty's face, her smell, oh 'that smell' like candy and wine, so intoxicating and her touch that he'd resisted and expertly denied that day as she embraced him in her innocence of his disdain. Even though it had immediately ignited his passions and pain once more showing itself in his 'anger' and petulant behaviour and a yearning force that pulled to just embrace her back, so strong it churned his insides not to respond.

What he would have given before to have his Betty willingly embrace him, relax with him as he had seen her with Clare Meade on the day he knew he loved her and she'd felt so uncomfortable in his open, inviting arms. Gio! Why didn't you just hug her back … because (he raged at himself) you knew that wasn't enough, you wanted more… all of her! Knowing enough of women to feel on an embrace the treasures beneath, waiting to be set free he was sure from those limited connections he could bring out the repressed passions dormant in Betty Suarez, Henry had loved her as a girl, he would have loved her as a 'woman'…completely…. so what did he do, was he patient, mellow, coaxing? No of course his Italian passion had to get the better of his judgement when he most needed a cool head.

Gio had taunted and insulted her, opened his most inner feelings for her attentions, receiving no comfort in return but he could have sworn as he was so attuned to Betty's flesh, sensing her slightest moves as they stood under the pier at Coney Island watching Daniel and DJ that for an instant…Betty almost leaned into him. She wanted to rest on his shoulder like she had once before, safe, close, as one, she wanted 'him' He also felt the forced denial of that pull as she made herself draw from him hurting and exciting his shattered heart once more. If only he'd held her, made that leap of faith then perhaps fate would have intervened and friendship would have turned once more to the tender shoots of love…. Fear had held him back, he could not bare himself open like that again and risk rejection and so in that lapse of courage the moment was lost and all hope gone except to mend fences, move on with grace and prepare to say goodbye.

Driving on further as the road disappeared before him, his mind in turmoil, not knowing his speed, aware of only making it back to the cosy, old wooden building he'd resided in for twenty seven years Gio found himself half an hour later, the van halted, hunched on the fur covered steering wheel, his hand on the key, shaking and lost, not sure of what had just happened and how he had got home. His thoughts flew through his mind…

Get out Giovanni Rossi.. you fool, forget the orders neatly stacked in the back of the van, ready for delivery…they were lost, forget everything, your business, your heart and just get in the house. Smell familiarity and comfort, mama's cooking, torment your sisters, that was your 'thing' and get through another crap day and as big and as old as he was perhaps sneak a hug from his mama, she didn't need to know why, she had enough worries just holding her would help, a little. God he needed to feel that warmth more than anything else in the world except Betty's….. No he must stop those thoughts, he had no right!…..Mama would know what to do, she was his strength, his guide since his papa had passed three years ago.

Suddenly as the adrenalin in his veins froze and his nerves got the better of him an overwhelming physical urge to race to the bathroom enveloped him as the stress and shock of the days events grabbed at his empty stomach. Running inside his home, holding the contents of his breakfast in and only just making it Gio heaved and heaved down the toilet pan, nothing leaving him for there was nothing left inside, his face a fire with the violence of its affects until he slowly recovered. Worn out from

the exertion of it all he slowly slid down the bathroom wall onto the cold floor, spent, exhausted, tears welling to attention, ready to fall from his blood shot eyes Gio's body, if not his mind had finally realised Betty, the Betty he hated, never wanted to see again, had never, would never love him, only as a friend, a thing he could never be again… she was gone to him and he had to stay away from her…could he do that? He must there was no choice.

After what seemed like hours but was mere minutes Gio rose, washed away his sorrow as well he could, brushed down his denim jeans, placing his T shirt expertly over his exposed, round and toned belly finishing with a masterful grasp as he pulled back his damp, dark hair from his brow. Trying to quietly step out, hoping to be able to race up to his room

unnoticed, play the big brother and jovial fool if he had too but just act normal. He was the man of the house he knew his place, his role and if he cracked up what would become of them all? …..only to hear.

"Giovanni, my boy, are you unwell? No! You've been crying….what ever is the matter!?"

Needing no more information as she looked on her distraught eldest child and beloved son, normally so strong for his family Theresa Rossi, a short, plump, feminine, colourful, soft and warm lady in her fifty fourth year, greying hair and wearing her black rimmed glasses that set her apart simply opened her arms to accept and give total unconditional love to her boy, a gift she had and would gladly give for the rest of her life.

"Come here, come here, nothing can be that bad, nothing"

Only to be immediately grabbed in a bear like, child like and manly embrace as if his life depended on it. Raising his head to look at his mama, his brown eyes pained and drawn from sorrow Gio whispered….

"She doesn't love me mamma, she never did or will…. I tried…I really tried to be patient, I couldn't wait any longer, I forced her you see.. me who can normally get any woman he wants…I tried to make her feel something for me but… I was just her rebound guy….she doesn't even see me mamma….and I … I wanted to hate her but… I can't .. I can't… I still love her……Oh God mamma, help me.. I feel so sad and alone…"

"Shush, shush, Giovanni…mamma will make it better I promise" as she held his head on her breasts and stroked his black, soft yet spiky hair as she had done when he was a boy and in pain.

"Mi dice tutto di esso, di questa ragazza che ha rotto il suo Gio di cuore, il suo nome, la so, la sua famiglia"?

"English mamma, you know my Italian is not so good…"

"Yes, yes English…now tell me all about it, about this girl who has broken your heart Gio, her name, do I know her, her family?"

Relaxed in her arms she held his face in her tiny, work worn hands and looked him straight in the eyes, orbs that mirrored her own in their intensity, openness, passion and pure soul and with a gentleness that eased him completely.

"It's Betty Suarez, Betty Suarez from Queens, you know her sister Hilda the hairdresser and mamma say nothing, please tell no one, it wouldn't be right, it's not her fault she just doesn't want me, it's sad but that's all…..

"Oh the girl with the braces who Antonella told me about, so proud, so plain, whose she too…..okay, I see… let's not go there… but Giovanni Rossi if you ever talk such nonsense again I'll slap your behind! As big as you are do you hear me? Don't you dare say such things…. you will never be alone, never! Your family… I won't allow it and as your papa used to say, do you remember?

Sad I think we can work with"

A gasp of life, a smile returned to Gio as he heard his papa's and his own familiar words once used to another to ease her pain and he was almost calmed in the sameness of it's context knowing he was loved as he had loved, if un-requited. He was sure; in time he would get better, be himself again and forget Betty Suarez for he was certain she intended to forget all about him.

TBC…..