Disclaimer: I do not own The Vampire Diaries, or any of its characters or dialogue. I am just dabbling in the world they create.
A/N: this is set between S5 and S6, covering a couple of the scenes that I wish we'd got to see. It is Elena-centric, so don't expect an exploration of everyone's state of mind. I'm a Delena shipper, and this is where the inspiration for this fic comes from (because that closing scene was heart breaking and the song was perfect and no I'm not over it). Yes, there is a potential for more if it's wanted, but no I haven't written it yet.
Writing in italics is either a flashback, or Elena's train of thought. Hopefully the context is clear enough to tell you which.
Also, this is my first foray into writing TVD so concrit is welcome!
She follows after Bonnie and stops at the final row of headstones, just short of her friend's notice. She doesn't know why she's waiting hidden in the shadows, maybe to avoid hearing any more platitudes, but she watches anxiously, hands fidgeting and feet restless as the window of time for him to return dwindles.
Eventually, Bonnie turns to face thin air and her heart leaps as some of her tension fades. He's here. "Thank God," Bonnie breathes, reaching out and then Da- no, Alaric is walking towards her.
As much as she's grateful to see him, it's a little anticlimactic. Her smile falters at his appearance as she quickly glances behind him and asks, "Is he with you?"
"He's here, don't worry - we just had a little Sheriff saving to do on the way," she does smile at this, gratefully returning his hug when he pulls her into one. When she hears Bonnie speak again she pulls away excitedly.
"She made it through. Come on." She watches her friend grab the air confidently and half smiles at the silliness of it. It takes her a second to realise that he hasn't materialised, even when Bonnie adjusts her grip. Her heart leaps again only this time it's not reassuring. Something is wrong.
As Bonnie takes a step back before clutching the air - his arms - again, it's only because she's watching so closely that she notices her friend's expression transition from panic and confusion to realisation. She must have made a noise of disbelief because Bonnie turns and the sorrow in her eyes makes her want to rip something to shreds because even as her head shakes in denial, she already knows what it means. "Elena-"
"Elena?"
She blinks and the fireplace comes back into focus. Turning to face Caroline, she can tell it isn't the first time her name has been called. "Is it time?"
She nods and speaks softly: "The others have gone on ahead. I didn't think you'd want a lot of company right now." Elena looks to the glass in her hand, rubbing her fingertips lightly across the crystal's patterns. It's still full. "If you need more time-"
"No," her voice is soft but strong. Lifting the glass, she inhales the aroma of bourbon then downs the contents before returning it to the drinks cabinet. "There's no point waiting." Elena can practically feel the sorrow and sympathy Caroline is exuding hitting her in waves and it almost breaks her, but as she remembers what awaits her later in the evening she takes a shaky, steadying breath. Everything was going to be alright again. She just has to make it through this.
She smiles sadly, "Let's go."
On their way to the cemetery she remembers that they'd chosen to do a memorial because although Stefan has committed himself to finding answers, they all need a way of coping. It's pointless to avoid the fact that they're all grieving, and even though there's a divide in the group as to how effective Stefan's search will be, it's not meant to be a funeral - even if it feels like one.
They honour Bonnie first.
Jeremy, Tyler and Caroline each share a few words and memories as they place mementos near her grandmother's tombstone. When it comes round to her, Elena gently tucks a white feather into the framed photo Caroline has chosen and studies their younger, cheery faces. "I remember this day - it was meant to rain, like it had for most of the summer. But Bonnie knew it wouldn't, and even though we didn't believe her she practically forced us into packing our bags and heading for the Falls. Of course it turned out she was right, she usually was." Tears slip slowly down her cheeks as she smiles softly at the memory.
"I'm gonna miss her so much, and I don't-" her breath hitches and she takes a moment to look out into the surrounding forest, squeezing Caroline's hand as it grips her own. "Bonnie if you can hear me I want you to know I don't blame you for anything. You did everything you could, more than that even, just like you always did. You always risked yourself to try and save us, and now we've lost two of...two people I-" this time when her breath hitches she can't continue, leaning into Caroline's supportive arm around her shoulders.
Her words seem to have initiated the transition from one memorial to the next and she makes a token effort to calm herself as they make their way to the Salvatore crypt. Alaric takes the lead as neither she nor Stefan are inclined to, and when he opens the door it takes all of her willpower to step over the threshold.
"He's here. You can say goodbye."
She shakes the memory away and joins the group who have gathered in front of a window, taking the space between Stefan and Jeremy that seems to have been left for her. It's in the centre, of course, so everyone can watch her.
It's going to be alright, she reminds herself, just get through this. Jeremy slips his hand into hers.
Alaric speaks first, placing a bottle of bourbon on the window ledge, followed by Caroline and Jeremy. She's already crying, tears travelling in winding paths to drip from her chin, but she's able to stay in control. Then there's a pause, and Stefan clears his throat hesitantly.
"I don't really know how to put into words how it feels," he begins quietly, "to have lost someone that's been with you your whole life. Damon and I...saying we didn't always get along is an understatement, but...these past few years, something shifted and we changed. He changed. I finally felt like I had my brother back, and he was happy."
She can tell he's crying by the thick tone of his voice, can tell he's looking at her because his gaze is hot on her skin. But she can't look away from the window ledge, from the collection of mementos it holds. It's too much. She is trembling.
"I'm so sorry, Elena. I'm so sorry that this has happened to both of you and I promise I will do whatever I can to find a way to bring Damon and Bonnie back. I promise you."
Then she's in his arms and crying too hard to see, but he is the wrong height and the wrong shape for comfort and that only makes her ache more. He's whispering promises to her and all she can think is that promises are lies.
For a long moment, there is only the sound of her grief. Then she feels Caroline wrap an arm around one side of her as Jeremy does the same on the other, and someone holds her from behind so she is cocooned in comfort and sorrow.
Despite this, she has never felt so alone.
She bursts into his dorm room in a whirl of fury, and Lukas has the gall to look shocked. "Elena, wh-" he can't continue, because now she has him by the throat and he can't breathe let alone speak.
"It was you wasn't it? Wasn't it?! You're the reason the spell stopped. Stefan said you came through first so you went straight to the tomb and made your sister break her promise, didn't you? You ruined everything!"
She's crazed, her grief has transformed into pure rage with one target - but even in fury her eyes are teary and her lip trembles, which only makes her angrier. Lukas manages to catch enough breath to whisper an incantation that pushes her away from him, her body rattling his desk with the impact. He's immediately gasping for air and on the defensive, hands up to show her he means no harm: "Elena, Elena - listen, I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Yes you do! You stopped the spell!"
"I had to, it was killing Liv."
"No- no she was strong enough, everyone else got to come back, and if she'd carried on for one more minute, just one, then he would've too. He wouldn't have been left over there." She's full on crying now, deflated. He doesn't ask who she means.
"Elena, I'm- I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to happen, I was just trying to protect my sister. You of all people can understand that, right?"
Indignation flares at this blatant manipulation, and her defeat quickly heats back into anger. "You really think that'll work? What about my family? Damon was a part of that and now he's gone and it's your fault." She feels the veins pulse under her eyes, runs her tongue along sharp fangs. "So unless you can fix it, I suggest you run because I really, really want to hurt you."
She knows she'll regret it later if she does hurt him, but right now that pales in comparison to the itching need to wrap her hand around his neck and dig in until her fingers gouge holes in his skin. She's about to lunge when he says the only thing that can widen her tunnel vision.
"What if I can help you see him again?"
"I guess we won't be seeing him for a while."
She blinks and focuses on Caroline, who has slumped down on her bed. They have just said goodbye to Stefan, metaphorical handkerchiefs in hand as they waved him off on his journey for answers. "I guess not."
"Do you want me to stay? I said I'd meet Tyler but I can cancel."
A sudden wave of compassion fills her as she sits next to the blonde and takes her hand. "No, no - don't cancel. I know that this is hard for you too and you don't have to pretend that it's not, Care. You and Tyler need each other right now. Besides, I'm just gonna go straight to bed - I feel like I could sleep for a week." Her poor attempt at lightening the mood falls flat but Caroline smiles a little anyway.
"Okay, well you know where I am and if you need me you'll call right? Promise?"
"I will make it back to you. I promise. I promise you."
The memory flickers into focus and a shadow passes across her features, "Yeah, I promise."
Once Caroline is gone, it takes her only a few seconds to gather everything she needs and shut herself in the bathroom connected to their dorm room - the last thing she needs is the smoke setting off the alarm. She's read Lukas' instructions a dozen times already but she makes herself read them again and follows them precisely.
She lights the match, hands shaking.
The resulting liquid is not thick like she expects but she drinks it without hesitation. It's more like an oil and it coats her tongue and throat, making it hard to swallow as it lines every crevice in her mouth with a thin film. She gulps it quickly, eyes squeezed shut, thumping the bowl down once it's empty.
She keeps her eyes closed for a moment, ears ringing, breaths shallow and rapid. It's going to be alright, she reminds herself, everything's going to be okay.
When her eyes flicker open and she sees only herself reflected in the mirror, the disappointment and grief is immediate and overwhelming. Tears cloud her vision and she grabs the instructions again, frantically reading them over to see what she's missed - only she didn't, she followed them perfectly. Her head shakes in denial, the paper falling from her now loose grip as she backs into the wall.
No. No, no, no, no.
She realises she's speaking, doesn't know when she started but can't bring herself to stop, the word 'no' slipping repeatedly from her lips. Her chest heaves with heavy, shallow sobs as her hands slip across her face and hair randomly, uselessly. She's barely crying but her sobs are uneven, the tremors wracking her body more like symptoms of a panic attack than grief. In this moment her body is frozen between fight or flight, because she can do neither. She can't fight for him or run to him, not anymore.
She doesn't know how much time has passed before she realises someone is knocking on the bathroom door.
"Go away," she manages to get out, voice hoarse. When the knocks repeat themselves, she clears her throat in an attempt to loosen the oily residue that still coats it: "I said go away!"
"Now is that any way to treat your dead boyfriend?"
His voice. It's his voice. Clear and loud and real. It makes her breath hitch and her muscles freeze.
Then she's standing and she doesn't even unlock the door she just forcefully pulls it open, and he's there.
The love and sorrow and joy that she is overcome by is reflected back to her in Damon's gaze. When he reaches out to tuck some hair behind her ear and caress her cheek she breaks into the first true smile she's worn since he left.
Because she can feel his fingertips against her neck, can see the wry smile curving his lips, and when she reaches out she can feel his skin and the black tresses at the nape of his neck and she's so thankful that a laugh bubbles up and out of her even as tears slip down her cheeks.
When he holds her and she holds him, everything is finally alright.
Readers are needed and loved, reviewers are wanted and adored!