A Burden To Himself
by Adeline
CHARACTER(S): Dave Malucci
RATING: I dunno. There's the odd curse word and just a hint of implicit sex, so,
let's say PG-15, just to be on the safe side.
NOTES: For the safely enjoyment of fans all around the globe, this story is a 100%
spoiler-free! QUACKQUACKQUACKQUACK!!!!
DEDICATION: To all my fellow quackers!
SONG(S) USED: "Cacophony," by Blink182
And now, welcome to the...
DISCLAIMER!!: Yeah, sure, I do own Dave Malucci. In fact, I own the whole cast of
ER, past and present. And future as well, while we're at it. That is why, I am stuck
in the armpit of the world, writing fanfiction to kill time. Whoda thunk it, eh?
(But just incase any sort of PTB were lurking 'round here, got one word for ya :
S a r c a s m.)
Okay! That's about it! So, without further ado, let the show begin!
1991
Shit, Dave Malucci didn't like to go sappy, but that Michelle chick might very well have meant something to him. And damn his cowardliness! Why did girls always try to look deeper into things for stuff that's never there, anyway? Why did they always expect more from Dave Malucci than he was ready to give them? Why - shit, why in hell couldn't he get this one girl out of his mind, when he'd forgotten all about so many others??
Why should *she* precisely be any different from them all? He'd had his share of girls, maybe more, before. There'd been Barbra, Nancy, Rhonda, Jenny (or was it Jessie?) and a couple others whose name he'd forgotten long ago. And that was just this year. He had quite a reputation at school, he was The Stud as they called him, and he quite enjoyed it. Then, three weeks ago he took Michelle to the dance and... something changed. He didn't know what or why, but he felt kinda funny now she'd ditched him for that Steve Warner guy, The Jock.
And he had been dumped before, that wasn't the problem. He could still recall a couple times when the girl would slam the door and shout out that he was a selfish/arrogant/perverted pork/jerk/idiot, that they'd thought he was different-but-obviously-they-were-dead-wrong-about-that, that he should be ashamed, and all that crap, blahblahblah... Some may also have hoped that one day he'd get his heart wrung and stomped on too and know what it's like to hurt from a heart that wouldn't break for the life of him (he believed it was Stephanie who'd said that). Then there were all those whom he'd ditched himself 'cause they were getting too demanding, and he was merely with them for the fun, the sex. From then on he would never be able to make eye contact with any of them, but what the hell? Until now he hadn't cared in the slightest.
Now Michelle... she had rocked his world, softly & swiftly, unbeknownst to even him. But three weeks, for Christ's sakes! Three lousy weeks was all it lasted, why did it feel like years all of a sudden? Truth was he didn't know. He had no fuckin' idea what it was that made him miss her. *Miss* her, for cryin' out loud! He'd *never* missed anyone before, that was new. New and unexpected. Could it be that he was falling for her, was that it? Was he falling "in love"? Cuz he did feel miserable now, worse than ever before, and he was craving for a puff of her sweet perfume, a glimpse of her melancholy smile, a brush of her hand. But she'd walked out that door he kept staring at two days ago, and chances didn't bode her return anytime in the near future. And Dave just... he didn't know what to do.
Should he call her and tell her how he felt? (Exactly how did he feel?) That would imply making some sort of commitment by saying things he knew wasn't ready to say just yet, and telling her about all that stuff with him and his father... he couldn't do that. Should he just let go then? That seemed to be the wisest thing, but he hated the mere idea of it. Michelle had been the first good thing to happen to him in years, and, although he hated to admit it, she very quickly became a significant part of his life. He didn't want to give up so easily.
But hey, maybe he wouldn't even get the choice? Maybe Steve was giving her what she needed, maybe she was happy with him. Well if she's happy, Dave unconvincingly thought, so much the better! So much the better, he kept telling himself, but it was no use pretending he didn't regret anything. He regretted not having tried harder to be good to her, he regretted letting her go so fast, and he regretted not responding to her expectations (and God knows they weren't sky-high). Yet, if he had the chance, he wasn't sure he'd behave any differently.
~
'when you talk about tomorrow
i'm not sure about today
when you tell me that you love me,
what am i supposed to say?
sometimes i don't feel
the same way as you feel'
~
A lifetime ago it seemed, she had wanted to be with him. Not as a fuck-mate, no, Michelle was beyond that. Sure, there was no denying that she did enjoy 'bedtime activities' as much as Dave did, but that wasn't the reason she was there. Michelle had wanted to be his girlfriend. David Malucci's girlfriend. Apparently she liked spending time with him everyday, holding his hand as they walked down the school halls, and took pride in making him smile simply by being where he was. So she said, and he believed her. He believed her, but he was unable to say such things back. And he liked that girl, that made no doubt in his mind, he liked her a lot. But at the same time, if he did tell her that no one had ever made him at ease like she could, or got him thinking about them all the time, he feared he would be lying to her.
Just like he'd lied to and hurt the previous dozen. Except Michelle was a girl he didn't want to hurt, Michelle was *his* girl. But ironically enough, and although it didn't quite seem so, she might have been the one he ended up hurting the most.
And that simple thought drew him to a conclusion which, at the time being, he
thought was best to believe. He and her weren't meant to be, not now, not ever.
~
'words like forever
it scares the shit out of me
maybe i'm afraid of commitment
maybe you're too distracted to see
that sometimes i don't feel
the same way as you feel'
~
So, he would get his ass off the couch and go on living his lame old life, sleeping left, sleeping right, coming home past the line between late and early, long after the man calling himself his father and however many bottles of however mighty drinks he'd downed the night had fallen sound asleep. Not because he wanted to, but because he simply had to move on. The world hadn't stopped.
~
Two years later, Dave was happy to leave for Grenada to attend med school. No more of that crazy shit, he figured, no more of that crazy shit. In a way, that was right. His 'family issues' weren't tormenting him quite as much anymore, and he got over Michelle quicker than he expected. Or so he thought.
He got through med school quite easily, surprisingly enough. Because one couldn't really say he'd profusely applied himself in school all the time, and he didn't always do all of his homework (More like he almost never did any of it!). No, Dave Malucci, had a much better time partying with live 'hot babes' than studying in lifeless books. Also had a bout with binge, but that didn't last: he wasn't gonna turn into his father, hells no!
And the high school routine started all over again, except most dumpees seemed more
sorry for him than in hysterics. Less hurt, too, and that he liked.
As the years passed, he realized it wasn't such a good life to lead. But so far, it was the only life he knew how to manage. He wasn't getting involved anywhere with anybody, thus he wasn't getting hurt. He hadn't been a happy kid at home, and to date, he still wasn't the most stable of guys. Better not drag anyone down into the depths he wallowed in whenever he was alone. He hated being alone, that's why he liked to always have a girl around, be it for a night, a couple days or a week. Just so he wouldn't be alone. Physically. But Dave had never really *dated* anyone, and he had no friends. No one he could tell about his rough years, no one to confide in. No one he wanted to open to, and no one who would listen. Inwardly, Dave soon realized he was as alone as can be. All the time. He was a burden to himself.
*~*~*
2001
Sometimes, he still thought about her. Michelle. She was probably married now, maybe she even had kids. It was highly likely that she was leading a happy life in any case. And he was alone still. Same guy, different place. Nothing much had changed in those ten years. He wasn't very experimented in the Feelings department, but he'd decided a while ago that he'd truly been in love with her. And if it wasn't love, then surely it had been damn close to it. Not that it mattered now anyway. Now or then, they just weren't supposed to be. But then again, were his own parents? Was Simon Malucci supposed to be an abusive father and husband? Probably not. Was Dave himself supposed to live the way he did for the rest of his life? Probably not.
Although, he was the one still haunting bars and picking up girls. He was the one not calling back, he was the one not letting anyone close. He was responsible for the excuse of a life he had, and he knew it full well. But that didn't make him like it any better. If he dropped everything, he would certainly sink and drown, in the great sea of uncertainty below. And sometimes he wondered if Michelle had been his life buoy. Back then, the waters were tumultuous enough, but if today they seemed calm on the surface, the depths were shaken by the coldest, most violent streams. She might have been able to save him, if only he'd just hung on, or even reached out for her when she wasn't so far. Now she'd drifted away, and they'd drifted apart, he was condemned to strive and keep his head above the surface clinging to any floating debris coming his way.
~
'sometimes i think about it
if i had the chance again
i think of all the things that i'd scream
but i think it's for the best
that you and i just don't connect and
things are never quite what they seem'
~
Work was good. He wasn't sure how in hell he had managed to graduate, but he was well proud to be a doctor. Ever since he was little, he'd always wanted to be one. Now he wasn't the most respected in the profession, but still, better than nothing, right? Dr. Dave was much, much more pleased with his professional life than he was with his near empty private life, and coming into work was way more appealing than going back to his emotionally void apartment every end-of-shift. Even with the air conditioning down in Winter, Cook County General felt warmer than it. With all those friendly people, always the same, whom he could joke around and discuss with without ever being judged on anything beside his skills as a doctor, and all the patients he was helping everyday, he was well afraid the hospital was becoming his real home. It was easy being jokey-flirty Dave Malucci in those conditions.
He preferred telling himself it was an easy distraction to admitting it had become essential. One of the consequences of all the suppressed laughter he'd held inside growing up was that Dave was unable to keep serious all the time. If he turned serious, he'd get thinking about how miserable his life really was, so, he tried to keep it to a minimum during work. His first day at CCG, he hadn't bothered trying to hit the summit of seriousness or anywhere close, and the second day as well as the many that followed were all the same. People would get suspicious if he changed. So his daily attitude had caused the ER nursing staff to run a pool on when he'd settle, he overheard as he passed the admissions desk once. Ha! Well, they were in for quite a wait, weren't they? For some reason, the thought didn't make any sly curve tilt at the corner of his lip as it was supposed to. It made him thoughtful
instead, thoughtful and unsure.
~
'oh will there ever be
someone to give her heart to me
or will i be too blind to see it?
i wouldn't make a sound
i'd keep it underground
sometimes it seems like i'm just running 'round and 'round
~
*~*~*
The End? To Be Continued? I dunno, *you* tell me. :)
Hope you enjoyed, please review!