Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush or any other copyrighted item mentioned and am in no way profiting from this story.

WARNING! Suicide, drug and alcohol use, and language.

Italics - Flashback

I loved Logan Mitchell. Adults always say that kids can't know love. That is a lie.

I met Logan during a summer SAT class that we both took every year. We were fourteen. We'd been in some advanced math and English classes together, but we rarely talked. We were the youngest kids there. All the others were juniors and seniors in high school. We were in the eighth grade.

When our freshman year started, Logan forgot about me. He was brilliant, handsome, and a damn good hockey player. He had better things to do with his time than spend it with me. Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan were the Fantastic Four of our rinky-dink high school in Minnesota.

Freshman year ended, and we found ourselves in that SAT class, yet again. Instead of ignoring me as I expected him to do. He had walked right up to me…

He was wearing jeans and his favorite T-shirt with the periodic table on it. Oh, how I loved that shirt…

"Hey, Shay," he said. "Listen, I'm really, really sorry that we haven't talked in so long. I'm not going to make excuses for myself. I was stupid. Forgive me?"

He had that worried look on his face, and his chocolate eyes looked hopeful. Of course, I could never say no.

"Sure. You're forgiven. Only because I would fail Calc this year without you," I said, smiling. I could never hold a grudge against Logan.

"You'd never fail. You're too smart for that," he joked as put his arm around my shoulders and walked to our seats. We talked about absolute value inequalities.

We grew even closer in the three months following that summer. After dozens of secret rendezvous in the middle of the night and multiple video chats during study hall, Logan asked me to the Homecoming dance…

The boys had gotten a limo for the night. Kendall, James, Carlos, and their dates, Riley, Jordan, and Veronica had already been picked up. I was the last stop. From upstairs in my room, I could hear the doorbell chime. One last look in the mirror told me that this was a good as it would get for me. I could hear Logan speaking politely with my parents. They had always liked Logan. I was so focused on getting down the stairs in heels that I didn't notice Logan's sharp intake of breath when I reached the bottom.

"Shay," he said breathless. He looked stunned, and gazed at me in amazement. I wore a deep violet dress that was strapless and the hem was an inch above my knees. My hair was down, but I had spent hours coaxing it to curl perfectly. Not to mention the bejeweled black stilettos. "You look…beautiful."

My face flushed with embarrassment as my parents stood by, waiting to assault us with the camera of death.

"Come on, now. Picture time," my mom insisted. She had always said that I should take pictures of everything because "my memory won't be what it used to be". I hated pictures. We were finally released from our photo shoot after what seemed like hours, but it couldn't have been more than ten minutes.

We left my parents at the doorstep, and Logan escorted me to the blazing limousine parked in front of my driveway. Once he opened that door, the entire street was flooded with the sound of blasting music and hysterical laughter. Everyone was there, and we headed off into the night.

Hours later, the dance was in full swing. Everyone was dancing and having a great time. I hadn't gone the year before, so high school homecoming was a whole new experience. It had been a lot of fun. Logan and I danced to every song. James and Jordan ended up making out in a corner, Kendall and Riley had gone somewhere to talk, and Carlos and Veronica were nowhere to be found. No doubt trying to crowd surf the unsuspecting partiers.

We sat out a few songs because my feet were beginning to ache. Four-inch heels and I would never get along. We found a table in the mass of people and I sat on Logan's lap for half an hour as we watched the chaos that was our high school dance.

Boys Like Girls's "Two Is Better Than One" was the next song played by the DJ. Logan moved his lips to my ear, "Would you honor me with a dance?" he whispered. I turned to him and our faces were millimeters apart. I smiled shyly. We stood and Logan took my hand and led me to the dance floor. I placed my arms around his neck and he gingerly placed his on my hips. Every line of our bodies was touching. I laid my head on his chest and closed my eyes.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you, too."

That was the night we became "official". I hated that word. But things in our small town had to be "official", or else it wasn't true. Trust Carlos to tell the whole world.

Logan was the epitome of guys. I never trusted any one more than I trusted Logan. Nothing between us ever needed to be explained. We just knew. He got into a fight with James? I knew by the sound of his voice and the look on his face. I needed a hug and a shoulder to cry on? He would stay with me in my room for hours until I wanted to face the world. I had never known that I was capable of this kind of love. To love someone so fiercely that I couldn't go a day without seeing his smile or being wrapped in his arms.

Our parents began to worry. They thought we were moving too fast for sixteen-year-olds. Little did they know that the love between Logan and I was deeper than a physical attraction. Sure, the hormones kicked every once and a while, but we were both too levelheaded to go any farther than making out on my bed without his shirt on.

But, we were connected by a much greater force. We weren't about appearances, like James and Jordan were. When he looked at me with those eyes of his, I could feel myself blushing like it was the first time. It was a sort of innocence.

It was the winter of our junior year. We had plans to go to the rink and skate for a bit that day, but everyone had gotten snowed in during the night. So, instead, I did my history homework with Logan by video chat. I always found it adorkable when he talked about school.

For some reason, we liked to talk about what the future had in store for us. Many people in relationships didn't, but I guess we were the exception. Logan had already set his sights on graduating from Harvard Medical and becoming a doctor. I was proud of him. He wanted that dream so badly. I, on the other hand, wouldn't be too far away seeing as I wanted to attend MIT for computer programming. I had always been a techie.

Dr. Logan Mitchell, M.D. That was the title he abandoned. Because, on that fateful day in the winter of our junior year, our lives changed forever.

The boys had gone to Kendall's house for the afternoon. James had convinced the rest to go to a talent search with him. They all auditioned and the producer had chosen Kendall to move to L.A. I was sad. Kendall had always been a great guy, and I would miss him. But Logan would still be here. Or, so I had thought. Because just a day later, Logan had sat me down in my room and told me that he was leaving. With his friends. To L.A. To become a band. Without me.

I opened the door to my house and found Logan on my doorstep, a heartbroken expression upon his face.

"Hey, what's wrong?" I questioned. I stepped out into the cold, took his face in my hands, and looked worriedly into his sad, sad eyes.

"Shay. We need to talk."

Talking was never a good thing. Well, it was, but only if it just happened. You know something's going down if a guy says that you need to talk.

This could not be happening to me. This couldn't be happening to us. We never fought, there weren't any trust issues. There was no reason for this to be happening.

"Can we talk in your room?" he asked quietly.

"Of course," I said, worriedly. He sat on my bed and pulled me into his lap, like so many times before. But those had been on happy occasions.

We stayed like this, silently, for ten minutes. Logan broke the silence.

"Shay, I love you. More than my mind can comprehend. You know that, right?" he said to me.

"Of course. I love you, too," I assured him.

"This has nothing to do with you and me, okay? I love you and always will," he said as he looked me dead in the eyes.

"If you love me so much, stop stalling and tell me what's going on!" I whispered, my fear and anxiousness staining my words. I could see the pain and concentration on his face. Only during times like these would the creases of his face contort, making him seem wise well beyond his sixteen years.

"The guys and I are going to Los Angeles," he said, his words barely audible.

"Oh. That's it?" Relief relaxed my entire being. I moved from his lap to sit in front of him, and look at him head-on. "Are you going for the rest of Winter Break?"

"No, Shayne," he said as he placed my hands in his. He never used my full name. No one did. "We're going to be there for a while. A long while."

"Why? What are you saying?" I asked, panic-stricken.

"You know how James has always wanted to make it big, right? Well, the only way he'll get to go is if we all go. Kendall, James, Carlos, and I. This music producer picked Kendall over James, but he wouldn't go unless we all went."

"Can't – Can't you just not go? They can go, just…don't leave me," I begged, the tears beginning to stain my cheeks. "I need you."

"I know. I know. I don't want to leave, but what kind of friend would I be if I didn't go? He'll only take all of us, or no one at all," he said. That was Logan for you. Heartbreakingly loyal. "I have to do this for him, Shay."I responded by breaking out into sobs.

Logan wound up staying the night. We stayed in my bed and cried for hours on end.

After the tears subsided, Logan spoke. "It's not forever, you know. If the band doesn't get off the ground then we come back."

"Do you know how long you'll be gone?" I asked tentatively. I hadn't wanted to know, at first.

"Three months," he said with a grave face. I let out a lungful of air that I hadn't known I was holding. "I'll miss you. So, so much."

"I know. I'll miss you, too. Call and text every day?" I pleaded.

"And webcam. Every day," he assured with a smile.

He was gone way more than three months. But, we found time for each other, between his recording sessions and my school schedule. But then things changed. The phone calls got shorter. The texts became one-word conversations. I hadn't used my webcam in weeks. But, he had kept his promise. For a while. I felt so clueless to what was going on in his world. I was in the dark.

Big Time Rush started showing up in interviews on morning shows. Their pictures were in magazines, and no doubt covering the walls of millions of girls across the country.

I was a wreck. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I didn't go to school. That was what surprised people. I loved school. Not anymore. School was something that Logan and I would do together. My mom threatened to get me a psychiatrist.

Then, the April issue of Pop Tiger came out. And on the cover was none other than Logan. "Which Hollywood starlet has caught the eye of Logan Mitchell of BTR?" I frantically ripped the tabloid to page twenty-six. What I saw made my heart stop. Logan and a girl named Camille. There they were, on the set of the City Is Ours video, laughing as he spun her in circles. Then, sitting by a pool in the California sun. At a restaurant, him whispering in her ear as she smiled seductively. And last, sneaking a kiss when they thought no one was looking…

I ran from the store, tears leaving tracks down my face. I had to get out. I got home and went to the liquor cabinet. My parents weren't home. The combination was their anniversary. They wouldn't miss a bottle of vodka.

Never in a million years would I believe that I would get drunk that day. If you told me so, I would have said you were crazy. But, there I was, getting wasted and looking at old pictures. Logan and the guys after winning a game. He and I at the lake in the woods. At the park. Making funny faces during class. At his place. At my place. Halloween pictures. Christmas pictures. Homecoming pictures…

I couldn't take it. Logan could, but I wasn't strong enough. Anything to make it stop. The guys had always said that Nicole Scherzinger took the pain away. Somehow, I didn't think that would work for me.

I stood and walked in a drunken haze to the medicine cabinet in my parent's bathroom. I found my dad's sleeping pills. I ambled back to my room and sat amongst the scattered photos. I took all 26 pills and washed them down with the remnants of the vodka. The world went fuzzy, and then faded to black.

Pictures were the death of me.

I LOVED writing this oneshot. This is the first real angst story that I've written, so tell me if I should write more! I think it turned out pretty good for only a few hours. I absolutely adore Logan/Camille but I was wondering about what happened before BTR. (P.S. I have no idea who came up with the word "adorkable", but I've seen in used in multiple stories so I didn't think it was a problem. If it is, just let me know, and I'll change it.)

REVIEW!