I don't remember exactly how I came to be sitting in the middle of my bed, eyes swollen and puffy, eating an entire bag of Cheesaritos and feeling as if the world was sitting sideways on its axises. The overturned, empty bottle of rum was probably to blame for the lapse of memory. Especially since when I grabbed it on my way out of the Kappa Tau house three hours earlier it was full, at least mostly so.
I'm not a big drinker. It's never really been my thing. But tonight it seemed called for. I am not a person that deals well with rejection. It's never been something I was very familiar with. Casey Cartwright doesn't get rejected. She rejects.
The memory of the look on Max's face when I told him we couldn't be together anymore jumped into my vision and my stomach turned instantly. I hadn't wanted to hurt him. It was never my intention. Max was such a good guy.
" Here you are." Ashleigh said as she burst through the door and spied me.
I shrugged and tried to hide the empty bag of chips. " Here I am."
She eyed me for a minute, then her eyes fell to the bottle on the floor. She picked it up and shook it at me with her eyebrows raised. " Are you okay ?"
" I'm fine. Captain Morgan and I have had a lovely night." I answered, completely unabashed.
" Captain Morgan appears to have left the party already." She said as she tossed the empty bottle in the wastebasket.
" That's okay." I smiled. " I can still try Jack Daniels, Jose Curevo or maybe even Evan Williams." Then I made a face at the last name. " No, I am decidedly staying away from men named Evan."
She flopped down next to me. " Probably a good idea. But I think maybe it would be best to stay away from the others as well."
" Why ?" I wanted to know as I stretched out and reveled in the marvelous elasticity of my muscles. "There's nothing wrong with letting loose a little."
" No, " She answered with a smile. " As long as its in moderation."
" I don't want to be moderate." I told her, sitting up and squaring my shoulders. " I want to be free and alive and wild."
" And I don't want you to have Betsy as your sponsor."
" I am not an alcoholic just because I let myself indulge in some good old fashion wallowing for an evening." I gritted my teeth at her angrily. " I deserved to wallow tonight. I needed to wallow."
" And now that you have, do you feel better ?" She asked not the least bit phased by my mad face.
I sighed and let my shoulders droop. " Not even a little bit."
" I talked to Cappie after you left." She informed me.
Suddenly she had my attention. " What did he say ? Did he say anything about me ? Has he changed his mind ?"
She turned to me and looked me straight in the eye. " He's scared, Casey."
" Of me ?" I gulped.
" Well, yeah I guess so."
" Am I scary ?" Now I was really worried. Maybe that was my problem. Maybe I was just a scary, scary person.
" No, you aren't scary. That's not what I'm saying."
" Then why is he scared of me ?" I asked, grabbing the bottle of Jack Daniels I had stashed under my pillow and jerking the lid off.
I took a huge drink, straight from the bottle before she could jerk it away from me.
" You don't need anymore." She warned me.
" Give me back that bottle or I'll scratch your eyes." I told her in an even, level voice.
" Try to take it and I'll break your nose." She retorted.
" You wouldn't."
" Oh, I'm on a roll tonight. I would. Trust me. I really would."
" Fine." I huffed. " Keep it."
" I intend to." She told me tartly. " Now like I was saying. I talked to Cappie."
" I don't want to talk about Cappie. I don't want to talk about Max. I don't want to talk about any of them. Boys suck." I said, flopping back against my headboard. " I'm becoming a lesbian."
" I am so glad I decided to stop by." I heard a voice say from the window.
We both turned to see Cappie sitting on the window seal, grinning wickedly. " Please." He told us, gesturing widely with his hands. " Don't let me interrupt. I'm just going to sit here and observe."
He teetered on the edge of the seal when Ashleigh threw a pillow at him. Then she got up and went to the door. " I'll let the two of you talk. In fact, I think maybe I'll call Fisher and stay with him tonight. Please don't break anything."
Then she left.
I was still so stunned by his appearance I couldn't make any words come out of my mouth. I watched in silence as he got through the window and came to stand by the foot of the bed. " May I ?" He asked, waiting until I shook my head before he sat down on the edge. Then his gaze trailed over the room, taking everything in carefully. " The inner sanctum. I've never actually been in here before." Then he paused. " Well, there was this one time..."
" What are you doing here ?" I finally said. I was pretty sure we had already said everything there was to say to each other.
He shrugged nonchalantly. " I wanted to make sure you were okay. Ashleigh told me about Max and earlier you seemed like you were going through something pretty big."
" I was." I said. " I am." The alcohol was affecting more than I thought it was because I couldn't make any sense of what I was saying. " I don't know what I'm talking about."
" That's okay." He smiled. " More than half the time I don't know what I'm talking about."
" Do you now ?" I asked, shifting to better hide the bag of chips that was still sitting right under the edge of my blankets.
" Now ?" He asked, " Actually I'm nearly completely sober right now. So yeah, at the moment, I know what I'm saying."
" Well, I'm not." I told him.
" I worked that out for myself already." He answered.
I yanked the bottle of Tequila I still had hidden under my pillows out and waved it at him. " Care to catch up ?"
He laughed. " Is that some kind of magic bed ? Can you just pull bottles of liquor out of it at any time ? Because if so, we seriously need to talk before the next KT party. You could make a fortune."
I threw another pillow at him, this one he caught and through back at me.
I wasn't so lucky in my inebriated state and it hit me right in the face.
He was beside me instantly, telling me how sorry he was and looking at me critically to make sure I wasn't hurt.
" It's okay." I assured him.
His hand stilled in my hair where he'd been smoothing it out of my face and our eyes caught for a moment. We stayed like that as the seconds dragged on, neither speaking, neither moving, both of us just staring.
Finally he cleared his throat and moved back to the foot of the bed. " I'm really sorry." He muttered.
" Like I said, it's okay. No harm done."
" Well, I guess maybe I should be going." He said as he stood and turned towards the window.
" Wow, you came all this way just to throw a pillow at my face ?" I chirped, although I was a little confused. And by the look on his face, so was he.
" No, I came to make sure you were okay. You are. So I'm going." He explained.
I threw my hands out, knowing my makeup was smeared and running, knowing my eyes were swollen and red and knowing my hair was a tangled mess. " You call this okay ? You have really low standards."
He shrugged. " Well, you aren't actively crying or puking in your bed or passed out with your head in the toilet. So by KT standards, that makes you okay."
" But by ZBZ standards I'm a total mess. And you are in the ZBZ house so our standards apply." I informed him.
He shoved his hands in his pockets and let his eyes fall to the floor. " What can I do to help ?"
" You can tell me why you really came here." I offered.
He was silent for a few minutes. Then finally he looked up at me from under his curtain of bangs. " I needed to see you. I don't know why. I just started walking and ended up scaling the side of your house."
Something occurred to me and I looked at him suspiciously. " How did you know which room was mine ?"
He shrugged again and looked away. " There was this one time...." He paused. " It doesn't matter. I just did."
" So you came to see me for no reason ?"
" I didn't have one in mind really, no." he answered. " You know me, not big with the planning."
" Okay then, do you want some of this tequila or am I hiding it back inside my magic bed ?" I went to put it away, but stopped me when he resumed his position at the foot of the bed again.
" Maybe I wouldn't mind one shot." He said quietly.
I handed it over to him and he twisted off the lid. Then he looked at me expectantly.
" I don't have a glass or a cup or anything like that. Just turn it up." I told him.
" Casey Cartwright drinking alcohol straight from the bottle. Next thing I know you'll pull a joint out of that magic bed of yours." He teased as he turned the bottle up and took a long drink.
I watched him for a long time, sitting there drinking. A few minutes later, his back started to relax and he turned and leaned back against the footboard.
" You know," I said finally. " I really thought that after that woman's study cram session, after the fight we had, I really thought you'd be happy to hear that I've finally figured everything out."
He blinked at me blurredly as if trying to make sense of what I was saying. Then he wiped his mouth on his sleeve and sat the bottle aside. " For two years now, all I've dreamed about is hearing you say what you said to me in the closet tonight."
" Then why, Cappie ? Why did you push me away ? If it's what you want, and it's what I want, why won't you just let it happen ?" I braced myself for his answer by grabbing the bottle and taking my own drink from it. Sobriety was peaking around the edges of my perceptions and I wasn't convinced I wanted that to happen yet.
" Because it occurred to me that at some point we would have had to come out of the closet." He said and I couldn't help myself, I laughed out loud.
He joined me as soon as he realized what he had said and it was the most wonderful experience I've had in a long time. I was laughing with Cappie again.
" I thought I already told you, I'm becoming a lesbian. So I've already come out. It's your turn." I joked.
" Well," He sighed. " Sometimes when Heath wears this one particularly tight shirt..." He countered playfully.
Why couldn't he see what I did ? Why couldn't he understand ? We meshed so well together. For the first time in my entire life I felt like somebody finally got me.
" You never answered my question." I told him when we settled down at last and the laughter subsided.
His eyes turned instantly serious and I stopped moving and held my breath in anticipation of his answer. From the look on his face he was about to say something profound and I wanted to be ready for it.
" I'm not ready for you yet." He told me.
When I looked at him in confusion he continued without waiting for me to prompt him. " I've always known that sooner or later we would be together again. I just know it's going to happen. We are meant to be, written in the stars... whatever you want to call it."
" Fate." I supplied helpfully. " Destiny."
" Whatever." He nodded. " But I'm guessing that even fate only gets so many chances. And I don't want to screw it up again with bad timing."
" How is it bad timing ?" I asked, unconsciously moving closer to him.
" Well, Max for starters." He said.
" I broke up with Max." I replied immediately.
" I know, because of me and you have know idea how much that bothers me." he answered. " I was almost okay with Max. I knew I wasn't where I needed to be to have you, so I was okay with Max standing in my spot until I get where you need me to be. He's a descent guy and I knew he wouldn't hurt you on purpose."
" That doesn't make any sense, Cap." I shook my head, trying to make sense of what he was telling me.
" Okay, I know you were completely hooked on Buffy the Vampire Slayer." He told me out of the blue.
I nodded. It was something we talked about frequently so I didn't have to tell him he was right. I just had no idea what Buffy had to do with us.
" Do you remember when Buffy told Angel that she was like cookies and she wasn't done baking ?"
I nodded again.
" Well, that's me. I'm cookie dough and I'm not done baking yet." He smiled ruefully.
I smiled back. " I can see you've spent a good deal of time thinking about this." I told him a touch teasingly.
" You have no idea how much thought I've put into it." He answered in the same tone.
" You forgot to figure in the fact that I'm cookie dough, too. I'm still baking, too. And what I want more than anything else is to finish baking with you."
He nodded in disagreement. " I'm afraid you're more done than I am."
I giggled as we continued with the analogy. " No, you're wrong. We're just baking different. On the surface, I appear almost done, but inside I'm still raw. And you are way more done inside than you are on the surface."
He sat silently staring at me for a long time, not moving or saying anything, like he was rolling everything over in his head. Whether he was trying to find a hole in my logic or seeing the wisdom of my words, I had no idea. He showed absolutely nothing on his face. For the first time his eyes were completely blank.
He wiped his hands on his thighs and sighed. " Why do we have to figure all this out right now ? Can't we just hold here for now ?" He asked finally.
" No." I told him decisively. " I'm done holding here."
He blinked at me like he wasn't understanding what I was saying.
I slid down the bed towards him, stopping just as my leg brushed his. " We have waited two years to try this again. I don't want to wait any longer."
" So what ? Are you saying its now or never ?" He shifted, taking himself slightly further away from me.
I huffed in frustration. " Why are you making this so difficult ? You know you want me as badly as I want you. You know you still love me, too."
He stood and moved to the other side of the room, increasing the distance between us even more. " I just want you to be sure this time. I want to be sure. I just don't think love is enough for us. It certainly wasn't last time."
" Last time was a disaster because neither of us were ready. We've both grown since then." I argued. "We can be so much better now."
" For how long ?" He asked stopping in front of me.
" If you're asking for some kind of guarantee, I can't give it to you and you know it. There aren't any guarantees." I got up and took his hands. " I can tell you that I know what I want, finally. I feel like I was walking around in some kind of fog until I realized how much I missed you."
He tried to pull away, but I held his hands tighter and he gave up and his shoulders sagged as he looked down at me doubtfully. " I can't be another fond trip down memory lane for you. I can't take it again."
I shook my head, quickly. " This isn't about that. It's about being tired of pretending I'm something I'm not just to please whoever I happen to be with at the time. I've never had to pretend with you. I've never had to be anything other than me."
" Casey," He started, staring off over my shoulder to avoid my eyes.
I was suddenly done with all of it. I wasn't having any more discussions with him. I didn't feel like talking about my feelings anymore. I just wanted him. I wanted him so badly my entire body hummed in longing. My head swam with all the memories of the times we'd been together.
No one else had ever touched me like he did, made me feel the things he did. I had never wanted anyone as badly as I wanted him. Never wanted anything as badly as I wanted to feel the way he could make me feel.
I stepped closer to him, closing the space until my entire length was resting against. His thighs brushed mine, my breasts flattened against his chest and when I looked up into his face, the look I found there caused my breath to hitch and the bottom dropped out of my stomach.
There it was. There was the look I had been wanting to see in the closet. The ' wanting me' look all over his face was, as always, so raw, so familiar and so very welcome.
" Why are you doing this to me ?" He ground out under his breath.
I laced my arms around his neck and let my words brush over his throat, something I knew from experience he was nearly helpless to resist. " Because I want you and you want me and this has gone on long enough. Enough with the torture. Enough with the fighting, enough with all of it." I pressed in closer and finally, finally his arms came around me, one at the small of my back, the other at my hip, holding tightly. " You said earlier tonight wasn't the end of the world. Well, I want it to be. I want it to be the end of that world and the beginning of a brand new one. A world where I love you and you love me and we can be happy." I was staring at his Adam's Apple, watching it bob as he swallowed hard a couple of times. Then I looked up into his eyes.
They were smoldering, a dark, deep blue that almost rendered me breathless. It definitely caused everything in me to tighten and pulse with need again.
" Promise me tomorrow you won't regret waking up and finding me beside you instead of Max." He whispered, dipping his head towards my shoulder, and inclining his face into mine. His lips were so close I could almost feel them moving against mine as he spoke.
" The only thing I'll regret is that I didn't realize all this sooner." I answered in complete honesty.
" Tell me you won't run away the minute things get hard." He continued still needing assurances from me and I couldn't blame him. Over the last few years, I'd put him through hell. Whatever he needed from me, I'd give it to him.
" I'm not going anywhere. There is nowhere else on Earth that I want to be and no one I want to be with more." I insisted, running my fingers through the hair the covered the nape of his neck.
He was still leaning over me, still so close I could smell the Tequila on his breath, so close I felt enveloped by him.
" Promise me when things do get hard, we'll talk about it instead of ignoring it. When I screw up, you'll come to me, not Ashleigh, not Rusty, me." He went on.
I nodded this time, though really all I had room for was a slight incline of my head, but he smiled in understanding.
" Now tell me one more thing." He grabbed me closer still.
" Anything," I answered.
" Tell me you love me again." He whispered as he suddenly scooped me up into his arms.
I squealed in surprise and delight as I circled my arms around his shoulder and held on tightly as he moved us towards my ' magic' bed.
" I love you." I told him as my back came into contact with my mattress.
His smile was beaming, and bright. It was the kind of ' Cappie' smile I hadn't seen in months. He looked down at me for a long moment before his lips finally met mine.
" I love you, too." He said when we broke away from much needed air. " I'm sorry I didn't see it last time. I'm sorry about all of it."
I pulled him back down for another kiss. " There is no last time, remember. This is a whole new world. One with no regrets, no past, no torture. I love you and you love me, now all we need to do is just be happy."
" Alright then," His hands found my hair and buried themselves in it. " I think it's time we explored this new frontier in depth."
And that is exactly what we did.