Our Heroes:
Kat: 14 very smart, part tomboy, bossy at times, the writer and star of the story, she is strong mentally and sorta physically she is a good fighter b/c...well her and the others develop their characters throughout the story.... if you get lost I am sorry. she is determined. Her best feature is her use of satire to defeat the fools of this world Portrayed by: ME
Kit: 14 he is Kat's twin brother (unfortunately). Not my real brother. They love to beat each other up and stuff that normal siblings do...he is pretty strong, kinda smart and puppy dog cute...the only problem with him is his age. He is a moron and very immature. (if you have read my other story, he is not completely like Boy) his real name is...well...er..ummm...not important....he made up his own nickname at an early age Portrayed by: Michael Still not my real brother.
Guy: His real name is Bert but no one likes that other than him...so we all call him Guy. He too is 14 and he is Zen/Yoga boy. Kinda weird but as the story goes on you'll understand what I mean. Really wants to be the set comedian, but he is still in training. The only reason he is not the set comedian is b/c of another funnier person. But he has some brains. Portrayed by: Andrew
Biz: 14, she is Kat's best friend. She is petite, sweet, and doesn't really like fighting, but she does what she has to. BOY CRAZY in every aspect of the phrase. She even hits on a young Obi-Wan. Sharp tongue and wit Portrayed by: Marie
Red: Frederick is a 14 year old with unusual size...really tall guy. He kinda gets mad easily and I can't blame him. But his hotheaded-ness is what earned him his nickname
Under that tough guy exterior lies someone who loves bunnies and other fluffy things
Portrayed by: Glenn
Max: 14 comedian...his real name is Maxamillion (yes it is spelled that way in my world) cute and can fight really well, he is the weapons expert of the group. Ladies man who is constantly hitting on Biz (she is busy chasing Obi Wan) Portrayed by: Martin
Aaron: my director returns!!! You'll see how eventually but if you want to know more about him then read The Big Dope (my pride and joy *sniffle* ) go read it and find our something new. He is the SW expert and is still being chased by Shelle who is being chased by Adam
Disclaimer and Author's note: I only own the story and the above characters. Lucas owns all SW stuff. Unless you recognize it from somewhere else. I am not making money and although it is mentioned it is just part of my gag. My running gag that is, along with the other running gags I run. Shelle, Adam, and Joey all own themselves b/c I wish I didn't know them. Benji and Chad own themselves, but they need mental help. And Kayton, the sweet one, owns her self too. Oh yeah, and PS don't sue me. I don't have much money. I spell lightsaber several different ways in this story. My computer doesn't know what I mean when I type lightsabre. But we all know I'm talking about well, a light saber. Light sabre is way cool.
Author's note(s):
If you like my story well enough, then check out my satirist site ibonek.swfans.com
If you like all that, send me an email and maybe we can link or something. Special appearances by Shannon (Shelle) Adam (that freaky kid at lunch) Joey and Benji and Chad (Bob the jerk and Ben the other school moron and the Chadwick school insane smart person) Tommy (himself) and Billy (my weird but almost lovable older brother) Kayton (Kthespazz internet buddy)
Dedication: I love my baby brother, Jack. I just couldn't figure out how to get him into this one. Sorry guys. He will definitely be in the next one. But a one-year-old baby just won't fit in this story about high school students.
Overview: Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon (pre TPM by several years long enough for Obi-Wan to be 15) somehow wind up in a modern times high school to defeat a great evil that no one really knows what it is. They have to rely on the help of some Force sensitive thingies and only those 6 kids can help them save the world. Has nothing to do with my other story, although it will be mentioned. Don't forget; pay is mentioned, doesn't happen at all. Never nope notta aint' no way in this world. Clear? Now AARROONN!!!! ROLL CREDITS NOW!!!!
High School Heck...
Or if these are our heroes were screwed
Why haven't you people already sent me an email telling me I'm wonderful? Is it that hard to understand? Someone....I need feedback to keep writing. Please? Maybe?
Enough time stalled:
Scene 1
(we are in a galaxy far away and etc. in the Jedi Counsel room with Qui Gon and Obi Wan)
Qui-Gon: Obi Wan, it is time to meditate. I sense some great evil I fear we must fight. (cue evil music: bum bum bum...Qui Gon looks puzzled) I also sense 6 people who can help us and we must find them; for they are our only hope.
Obi-Wan: But why can't Master Windu or Master Yoda do this?
Qui-Gon: Quit whining. And we have to do this because it is in the script.
Aaron: (from offstage) DON'T MENTION THE SCRIPT!!!!
Obi-Wan: What was that about?
Qui-Gon: I don't know. Keep meditating. We must find the Great Evil (bum bum bum) What is that noise?
Obi-Wan: Beats me. (you ain't gonna believe this, but they meditate so hard they transport their bodies and etc. to a 21st century school. A high school)
Scene 2
(Welcome to Hellp High. This is the pseudo name for my high school. I refuse to release the actual name, because someone would be a brat and tell on me and get me in some more trouble. Anyways, the 6 wonderful heroes are here with Kat's and Kit's older brother Billy {18} and some of his oddball friends. It is late, dark, and the kids are being mean and setting up a school prank. I would never do this in real life.)
Billy: I gotta get something out of the car I will be right back. Don't do anything really stupid Kit.
Kit: What about Kat?
Billy: I ain't worried about her. (as soon as Billy is out of the door one of his friends grabs him) What the.....
Tommy: Shut up Bill. You two; bolt the door. I want those little brats sealed inside.
Billy: That's great, but I am seriously gonna be hurt for this. (they throw Billy in the car and drive off)
(now all 6 kids are beating on the door screaming at the other morons who left them)
Kit: I'm telling mommy!
Max: Get back here you son of a female dog!!
Red: Return at once fool!
Biz: You freakin' creep! I will do great bodily harm to you for this!
Guy: You pick us up right now you low-life, good-fer-nothing, duck billed platypus!
Kat: I swear, when I get out of here I will beat you into a pulp Billy! I know where you live!
Max: Big surprise, Kat. And like you can actually take that guy. (Kat turns around and growls at him) I take it back! Yeesh!
Aaron: (Hobbling on to stage with a broken leg and a pair of crutches) Hey, be nice. And don't make me work any more than I have to. This is a lot of trouble.
Red: How did you get out of He...gym class?
Aaron: I pretended to break my leg.
Kit: Then why still hobble around?
Aaron: On my way out the door, I tripped and actually broke it.
Guy: Smooth
Max: Nice going director boy. Now you better watch out. Shelle is still looking for you.
Biz: Didn't she get run over in The Big Dope?
Kat: Yeah, but it wasn't enough to kill her.
Kit: Rats!
Shelle: (comes on stage with crutches, a sling, and a bandage around her head) Why do you still run away Aaron? I love you. (she starts to hobble over towards him)
Aaron: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (pauses for a really long breath) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (he 'runs' as fast as he can offstage) (now Adam comes on in about the same shape as Shelle)
Adam: I love you Shelle! Come back! (goes off to find Shelle)
Biz: Why won't he stay dead?
Kat: I dunno. But something is not right here.
Guy: I'm hungry. Let's go find some food. But wait, I'm a Boy Sprout. Always prepared. (pulls pack of Twinkies from a backpack he has)
Red: Share or die, small one!
Guy: Yeeps! OK.
Scene 3
(Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are in a high school {they don't know what it is but we do} red and black sheets of paper cover the lights coating the hall with a eerie blood red glow.)
Obi-Wan: What is this place? Is this where Jedi go when they have been {gulp} bad?
Qui-Gon: I.... don't...know.
(meanwhile Aaron comes in over the intercom after hearing all of this)
Big Booming Aaron Voice: No, this isn't he...heck. But it is as close as you can come without being dead. MUHAHAHAH!!! (Chokes on his arrogance) UGH! UGH!
(clears throat) Welcome to Hellp High. Where you are going to die.
Obi-Wan: Really?
Aaron: I don't know. It says so in the script. And it says that I pull the switch hear and turn out the power. (something makes a clicking noise and all the lights go out.)
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (pause for a short breath) HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(they start running; then they head off in a new direction because they hear screaming....go figure
MEANWHILE)
Kids: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (they all start running) (they run smack into someone or thing....)
Kids: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kit: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Obi-Wan: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kit: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Obi-Wan: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kit: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Obi-Wan: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kit: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Obi-Wan: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kat: Enough!
Qui-Gon: Stop now Obi-Wan.
Kat: If you scream one more time, I'll make sure you sing in the soprano section for the rest of you life. Clear?
Kit: Crystal.
Kat: Now get out your flashlight, Guy Scout.
Qui-Gon: Find a glow-rod Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: I can't find it master. How about this? (activates lightsaber.)
Kit: Ooooooo, pretty colors.
(they turn the things on and look at each other. It is a very awkward silence)
Red: Hey, wait a minute. Those are the peoplees from that moviely thingy.
Guy: Hey dude! It is! Errrr...they are!
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon: Huh?
Kat: Ignore the fools.... God! They're right! Moving on...who are you (DUH!!!!) and why are you here?
Obi-Wan: I am...(Qui-Gon interrupts)
Qui-Gon: I am Qui-Gon Jinn; Jedi Master and Bringer of Good Things. I am here to save the world from some horrible, untimely, tragic and etc. end. Oh yeah, and this is Obi-Wan, my Padawan.
Kat: Little egotistical aren't we?
Biz: Or testosteroney. And hey....(looks at Obi-Wan) How you doin'?
Obi-Wan: Huh?
Max: Biz! How could you hit on him? He's so not me!
Kit: What I miss?
Kat: Ummm....whatever.
Max: Biz, why are you going after the Jedi and not the hottie?
Qui-Gon: Padawan.
Max: Whatever.
Red: So what exactly are you doing at Hellp High?
Obi-Wan: We are here to fight some Great Evil(bum bum bum), but we don't know what it is. (Qui-Gon walks over a smacks Obi-wan) OW!
Qui-Gon: Don't ever reveal a weakness to pathetic lifeforms. (Kit walks over and kicks Qui-Gon in the shin) OW!
Kit: Only I can be smacked in this story. (Kat walks over and smacks Kit)
Kat: Boy!
Kit: I am not Boy....quit calling me that.
Kat: Sorry I meant Kit. And we are not pathetic. (she looks over to see Kit trying to tie his shoelace.)
Kit: I did it!!!YEA!!! GO ME IT'S MY B'DAY GO ME GO ME!!! WOOP WOOP!
Kat: On second thought, some of us are.
Obi-Wan: Will you quit looking at me?(points to Biz) You're making me nervous.
Max: Don' insult the Biz.
Red: Grow up. Both of you. All of you.
Guy: (through bad Chinese accent)Your body must be rike stone; and your mind rike meat roaf.
Kat: Okay....whatever. Since that proved pointless and time-consuming, why don't we move on to the next scene. (screaming)Okay with you Aaron?
Big Booming Aaron Voice: Okay!
Scene 4
(an abandoned hallway in Hellp High, we see Aaron just hobbling along and singing to himself)
Aaron: (singing) My, my this here Anakin guy maybe Vader someday later now he's just a small fry. He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye saying soon I'm gonna be a Jedi....soon I'm gonna be a Jedi.(he hears something, stops singing and turns around) What was that? (Shelle comes 'walking' up to him)
Shelle: I love you. Why do you keep running away from me. It is your destiny for us to be together.
Aaron: Aw man! Here we go again.......AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH. Wait (pulls up his crutch and starts using it like a sword. ) En garde! (she nimbly maneuvers around him and they have this really cool fight scene...when all of a sudden)
Adam: ('walking' up to the two) Shelle, no don't do this. You could get hurt. (He takes his crutch and lunges at Aaron. But Shelle is so obsessed with Aaron that she jumps in front of the flying crutch to save his life. The crutch goes through her and kills her.)Shelle, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(he takes his last crutch and stabs himself through the heart. A very painful way to die.)
Aaron: She saved my life.....oh well. Screw this. I gotta go find something to happen in the next scene. (As he leaves the mess behind 3 people walk up. Bob the school jerk. Ben the other school moron. And Chadwick the school's genius who lacks common sense.)
Bob: (looking at the gore on the floor) What the *beeeeeeeep* is this *beeeeeeeep*I don't know.
Chadwick: Although it appears to be a couple of discarded corpses, it is obviously some attempt by my best friend/constant intellectual competitor (Aaron) to dissuade me from my rather shady methods of becoming valedictorian this year.
Ben: First I wanna know what you said....in English please.
Bob: He thinks Aaron put it there to *beeeeeeeep* with his *beeeeeeeep* mind. And you're a *beeeeeeeep* freshman just like us. You can't be the *beeeeeeeep* valedictorian this year.
Chadwick: I can and I will. I must defeat Aaron if it is the last thing I do. Mwahahhahahahahahahahaha
(This is one majorly screwed up group)
(moving away from this group now because I don't like them)
Scene 5
(back with the Jedi and fools of the school....they are sitting around their flashlight and the glow rod....no one talks...)chrrripppp...chrrrippp(Some one shut that cricket up!!!)
Qui-Gon: We cannot stay here forever. The Great Evil (bum bum bum){Qui-Gon looks puzzled} is near. I cannot tell where.
Biz: I love your accent Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: What accent?
Max: I didn't know bad British accents existed in that time. I thought they were a recent thing. (Changes his voice to a British accent) I can bloody well do 'at too.
Kit: Stop confusing me. Shut up! Leave me alone!
Red: Oh no.....
Guy: Who is it this time, and what did they say to frighten the moronic one?
Kat: It's the little voices in his head. Some body needs to institutionalize him.
Obi-Wan: Ha, I pity you. You are related to it, and you have to live with it.
Kat: Mr. Big Jedi Man...reading some minds...
Qui-Gon: He is a Padawan learner. Is that to long and complicated for you to remember young Katrina?
Kat: First off, no one but my enemies call me Katrina. Secondly, my vocabulary is twice as large as your, you balatro. Now, listen Qui, I don't take kindly to insults. So leave me alone if you can't take or make a good joke. As for you, "Padawan" you are now a part sniffle of this group. You are one of us. Moment over.
Kit: Did something just happen I need to know about?
Obi-Wan: Nope.
Kat: So what should we do to celebrate our new and probably only friends?
Aaron: (hobbled up to the group) Why don't we read some of the best fanfiction in the world. Written and directed by the best and most talented minds in the business.
Red: Run away cripple. "Go and boil your bottom...son of a silly person. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. Now go away before I must taunt you a second time."
Max: Been watchin' that Monty Python a wee bit too much laddy.
Kat: Aaron, thank you for plugging my fanfic. But I think you should leave before something happens.....like Shelle comes back.
Aaron: Nope, she's dead.
Everyone: What!!!!
Guy: The Great Evil (bum bum bum) did this!
Aaron: nope, well. Maybe. Adam did this.
Biz: The Great Evil (bum bum bum) did do it!
Qui-Gon: No, I would have felt something if someone had died. I don't.
Kat: Maybe you're losing it, Qui.
Qui-Gon: Don't call me that.
Kat: Okay Qui. I won't call you Qui anymore, Qui. Isn't that right, Qui?
Max: I have an idea. (singing) Kumbia, m'Lord.
Everyone except Kat, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and Red: Kumbia. Oh Lord. Kumbia.
Kumbia, m'Lord. Kumbia.
Max: (in his deep bass voice) Oh Lord, Kumbiaaaaaaa...I hate this school m'Lord, Kumbia. It really stinks, m'Lord, Kumbia.
All the kids who attend this school: (practically screaming/singing) OH LORD, KUMBIA!!!
Kit: (in a whiny tenor voice) Oh Lord, Kumbia. I want my mommy, m'Lord, Kumbia. I a baby m'Lord, Kumbia.
Kat: (not singing) See, we don't have to make fun of him. Years of torture, I mean sibling rivalry, produced this freak of nature.
Obi-Wan: Ohhhh...
(Qui-Gon suddenly sits up straight, and says the ominous phrase)
Qui-Gon: I have a bad feeling about this.
Red: Me too.
Guy: Yeah, we shouldn't have eaten all those Twinkies. 'Tis bad to have eaten and lost; then to never have eaten at all.
Qui-Gon: No, something is not right with this school(well duh, ya' moron). I think the Great Evil (bum bum bum) has just made its entrance.
Scene 6
(this happens simultaneously to the singing at the "camp"; I guess Qui-Boy was right)
(a figure dressed totally in black appears.....as if out of mid air)
Darth Dark (a minion of evil and imp to the Great Evil (bum bum bum): I have arrived at this place. This place in which I am to take over all primitive lifeforms. To kill them. Then, my master, I will summon you. And you can begin your reign of darkness and eat all the Twinkies in the world!!!!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
(Bob, Ben, and Chadwick all walk up to the laughing fool in black robes.)
Bob: What the *beeeeep* is this? What the *beeeep* is it wearing?
Chadwick: Okay, now Aaron. It's not funny anymore. I will win; you know that. It is your destiny to fail miserably in life to me. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!!!!
Ben: (smacks Chadwick) God, shut up. No one freakin' cares about this Crusade of yours.
Chadwick: Screw you to Ben. I don't need you. Any of you.
(Darth Dark draws out his lightsabre; and he waves it threateningly at Chadwick)
Darth Dark: If you don't shut that large hole in your head, then I will chop your head off your body. You will either help my master, the Great Evil (bum bum bum) or you will die a slow and painful death.
Chadwick: Ummm...no. See you are what like some sorta Jedi or something. I am not impressed with you. (the lightsabre comes really close to Chadwick's head.) Help!!!!!! MOMMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bob: What the *beeeeeeeeeeeeeep* is that *beeeeeeeeeeeep*? You ain't tryin' to *beeeeeeep* kill off my *beeeeeeeeeeep* tutor? He's gonna help me *beeeeeeeeeeeep* graduate this *beeeeeeeeeep* high school! *Beeeeeeeeeeep* you! (Bob walks up to Darthy boy and smacks him) Take that!
Darth Dark: What the? And no, I am not a Jedi. I am a Sith. I am the bringer of evil and ominous things. 'Tis naught but evil, hatred, and other bad things which I bring. But wait. I sense 9 Force sensitive thingies. 9 Master! Why did you not warn me? No matter. They will all die slow painful deaths!
Ben: Okay, I recently learned to count and Bob, Ben, and Chadwick makes 3; it doesn't equal 9. So now who's the screwed up one?
Bob: Shut the *beeeeeeeeeeeeeep* up. No one cares. However, I am really proud you can count. Moment over. Let's leave really fast before dork boy *beeeeeeeeeeeeeep* kills us.
Chadwick: Aaron, you might have won this round. I will win the next one. You will bow down in fear of my intelligence before the day is done.
Bob: Shut the *beeeeeeeeeeeeeep* up man, you moron. Has it ever occurred to you that Aaron might not be behind this?
Chadwick: Who's the genius here? I am. That's right. Now deal with it. (Darth Dark wields up his lightsabre.)
Darth Dark: I will kill you all!!!!! (all three kids run off screaming in different directions.)
Kids: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Darth Dark: Right, moving on
Now I think it is Scene 7.
Yes it is
(back at the group of kids and Jedi)
Aaron: No, no, no, no, no. It's not done. Jedi do not have a giant sleepover and invite the Sith to tea and chocolate biscuits. Max, grow up and get for real.
Max: Then why does Ben Kenobi know so much about Darth Vader?
Aaron: He freakin' trained him!
Max: You do know everything.
Aaron: I told you.
Obi-Wan: So who is this Ben guy you keep mentioning.
Kit: You.
Obi-Wan: What?
Kat: No, he's a moron. Just let's put it this way. Long after you're dead, let's face it Obi it's the future, someone made a movie about you and your journeys.
Qui-Gon: Was I there?
Kit: For a while.
Red: Maybe we should let them discover their own destiny.
Guy: That was my line.
Kit: I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves.
Red: Sorry.
Kat: They're right. You don't need to know. I will not tell you.
Obi-Wan: Well, screw you too.
Kit: This is the song that doesn't end.
Biz: Look, Kat, we've been friends forever. But don't be dissin' da man.
Kat: What? No, not ever. Screw this entire conversation. Let's move on.
Kit: I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts. There they are a-standing in a row.
(at this time, Shelle comes walking up)
Shelle: Aaron, why won't you just love me? Is that too much to ask? It's my hair isn't it?
Aaron: Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!
Shelle: I knew it! It's the pants, they make me look fat.
Kit: Wait a minute...you died!
Aaron: That's right!
Kids: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(they all run around then smack into each other)
Aaron: Even in death she finds me and annoys me. (he starts to sob)
(Adam walks up)
Biz: No, not you too. (In real life, 'Adam' thinks he is dating Marie. Nobody likes Adam.)
Obi-Wan: What the....(Qui-Gon smacks him)
Qui-Gon: I will not let these pathetic children affect you and/or your training.
Kat: Brake out the champagne, we are a bad influence on Padywan here.
Kids: Yeah!!!!!
(at this time Darth Darks comes walking up to them)
Darth Dark: Hahahahahahah...look what I have found. A bunch of posies!
Kit: It's pansies you stupid fool. (Smacks Qui-Gon) What have I told you about smacking?
Darth Dark: Whatever. It doesn't matter. For now I am gonna kill you. But I will not kill girls. I have this thing about killing girls.
Guy: (grabbing Shelle by her arm) She's not a girl! I am not sure it's human! Kill it! Kill it now!
Biz: (grabs Adam) This one too.
Kat: Did he call me a girl?
Max: Oh boy, Darthy is screwed.
Guy: Hesa in bombad truble nowsa.
Biz: (attacks Guy) Don't talk like that! I hate Jar Jar!
Max: You screwed with the Biz, not literally; now you must die, also not literally.
Nicole: (the school slut queen {there goes my good rating} appears) Did someone say screw? Lookin' fo' some lovin'!
Kit: What in God's name is going on here!!! I am confused.
Qui-Gon: You're always confused.
Guy, Kit, Obi-Wan, Red, and Aaron: Go away now you slut queen.
Max: How you doin'? (Nicole walks up to him very "shagadelic" like.) Wait! You're not Biz! I love Biz!
Kat: Back to me and my problems. Okay; screw you Nicole, ewwwwwwwwwww. Not literally. And as for you Darthy Boy...(he cuts her off)
Darth Dark: My name is Darth Darkey the Darkster.
Everyone (except Kit) : HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!
Max: (falling and rolling on the floor, slapping his knee, pointing, laughing, crying and thinking about hot chocolate biscuits and tea) That's a pansy name! What kind of Mormon, I mean err...moron (sorry had to make fun of them to) names their kid that!
Darth Dark: Die you little imp! (zaps Max with blue stuff)
Max: OW! I don't wanna play no more. MOMMY!!!
Kat: (kicking Max) Shut (kick) up (kick) you (kick) pansy (kick kick kick). Now (looking to Darth Dark) I am not quite a girl. A half tomboy basically. See, the average 14 year old girl is egocentric, materialistic, and too self involved to realize the sky is green.
Max and Red together in British accent: Three, sire. Oops, blue.
Kat: Right, sorry, blue.
Darth Dark: And I care because?
Kat: Like I said. I am a tomboy.
Darth Dark: Whatever. You will all die because you are all annoying.
Aaron: What did I do?
Darth Dark: Um....er....it says this in the script?
Aaron: Don't mention the script. Okay? Why does no one understand? I am "Director Boy" and "Keeper of the Script". Only I can mention the script.
Guy: In response to the comment of Darthy, Runaway Runaway!!!!!!
Red: (clip clop clip clop) Come now Patsy.
Obi-Wan: What the? Where'd you get the coconuts?
Qui-Gon: Yes, this is a temperate zone!
Darth Dark: What the #@%* is wrong with you people?
Max: You can't say that word unless you're saying the name of a place. And you cannot tell someone to go to #@%*.
Darth Dark: Right, sorry ole' chap.
Biz: That reminds me. The thing about the coconuts was so witty, Obi-Wan.
Max: For you Biz, I will do great bodily harm to this freak. (He lunges at Darthy while Darthy easily sidesteps the young fool and Max flies into a wall) OW!!
Red: Oooo; that looked painful.
Guy: Great pain and suffering comes to those who are fools.
Kat: Whatever. Um......someone give me some plot ideas!!! This is getting bad!
Qui-Gon: It has been bad for a long time now, young one.
Guy: No professional writing, good see you how.
Kit: I'm lost.
Kat: Shut up Yoda-boy. Quit putting Star Wars allusions in this fanfic.
Obi-Wan: Any of you have lightsabers?
Biz: No, only you dearest of dears.
Obi-Wan: Well, I was gonna say maybe if you threw lightsabers at it, or had a lightsaber war it would leave you alone.
Max: But Darthy has one too.
Obi-Wan: I was talking about Shelle.
Everyone: Okay!
Kat: We can't kill her. That totally messes up my family rating.
Max: Like all those previous comments about screwing haven't.
Darth Dark: DIEEEE!!!(lunges at kids with an activated lightsaber)
Kids and young Jedi: AHHHHHHHHHHH! (they leap rather ungracefully out of his way)
Darth Dark: Uh-oh.(smacks into a wall and falls like he is unconscious)
Obi-Wan: That's gonna leave a mark.
Kit: Can I poke it with a stick to see if it's alive?
Aaron: Well, seeing how I have thoroughly been neglecting my directing duties, I'm leaving. I'm not in this portion of the script.
Kat: DON'T MENTION THE SCRIPT. Sorry, not my line. And go on and poke it Kit.
(kit pokes Darth Dark with a stick{where did he get it? I don't know}and guess what really gross thing happens.....Darthy Boy's head falls off.)
Scene 8 (I know it's in a bad spot, but I had to break it up)
Everyone: EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aaron: Blood makes me nauseous. I'm nauseous. I'm nauseous. I'm nauseous. I'm nauseous. I'm nauseous. I'm nauseous.
Kat: But there's no blood.
(the kids sneak up to the body and kick it some...nothing happens)
Biz: Look at that! (the body is a robotic one and there is a small hamster inside operating it)
Obi-Wan: What in the name of the Force is that?
Max: It's Mr. Twinkey! My old pet hamster from the days of old. I'm so happy to see you. But you've been a naughty boy. Bad hamster, bad! No treat!
Mr. Twinkey(formerly Darth Darky the Darkster): You will all pay. You are fools you can not stop the Great Evil(bum bum bum).
Qui-Gon: This is ridiculous. So, because it is in the script I have to suggest that we kill it.
Max: Impossible. He died three years ago.
Kat: So I have something so horrible, evil, and etc in mind for it.....let's give it to Shelle as a pet.
Aaron: Nothing deserves that fate.
Kit: We could always give it to Bob, Ben, or Chadwick.
Aaron: Chadwick, where?!
Red: Yeah , he and the other morons are locked in and walking around somewhere.
Kat: Shelle!!!!!!! Come here!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! AARON IS NOT WEARING A SHIRT!!! So I lied. We need to get rid of it.
Shelle(coming up to the group): Where what??? Aaron!? Aaron! (They start another chase scene the others chuck the hamster at her as she runs by)Ooooooo a new pet.
Max: So he gets the only skin-exposing scene.
Biz: Obi-Wan can if he wants to.
Obi-Wan: No thanks.
Mr. Twinkey: Come my master!! In the name of the all powerful Twinkie...(Guy interrupts)
Guy: Twinkie! Where!
Mr. Twinkey: Come on already! This is getting old. I summon the all powerful and Evil The Great Evil(bum bum bum)!
(a dark and sinister thing forms itself in the presence of the kids )
Great Evil: (bum bum bum) I am the true master of darkness. Bow before me all pathetic lifeforms.
Kit: It's Mr. Fuzzums!
Obi-Wan: Who are these people?
Kit: It's my pet hamster.
Qui-Gon: In the name of the Force! *beeeeeeeeeep* Come on! I will not fight a hamster.
(Bob and co. walk up)
Bob: No one in this *beeeep* fanfic can cuss other than me. (he smacks Qui-Gon)
Kit: I would smack him, but I don't wanna be killed.
Ben: Whatever you little freak.
Chadwick: Aaron, you have sunken to a new low. Dressing up like a hamster to defeat me, HA don't make me laugh.
Kit: But Mr. Fuzzums, how can you be here? You died of natural causes in the mid-nineties.
Kat: No, he didn't ......Dad put him outside and frozed him to death.
Kit: Dear sweet God! I've been living a lie! (breaks down and sobs)
Qui-Gon: Come on Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: What?
Qui-Gon: We are going to save the world from this possessed hamster.
Guy: We, or at least I, wanna help.
Kat: I do.
Max: For my Biz!
Red: For my daily workout!
Qui-Gon: Who's here to save the world? That's right, me. So shut up, sit down, and make sure they spell my name right in the history books.
Biz: toucheee!
Kat: Grow up Qui. You on my turf now. Wesa play by my rules, and you're gonna let us help, or you ain't gonna hafta worry about Mr. Fuzzums. HUDDLE!!!!
(the kids crowd around each other in an attempt to figure out how to save the world. All except Kit who's in convulsions on the floor, Bob who could care less, Ben who doesn't know what is going on, and Chadwick who is still delusional.)
Chadwick: Just because Mrs. Bearden lost my papers several times does not mean you will defeat me! You know it! I will conquer you and your pathetic attempts at a life. I go home and practice my sax; you don't even have a life Aaron!
Kat: Would someone shut him up?
Aaron: AIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!(Aaron starts attacking Chadwick with his crutches)
Red: I though he was a pacifist.
Kat: That felt good, didn't it Aaron?
Aaron: More satisfying than anyone will ever know.
(Just a mental point, both Kit and Chadwick are in the same shape on the floor, crying and broken)
Great Evil: Could someone please tell me exactly just what is going on?
Kat: Um....no
Kit: What about me...could someone tell me what's going on?
Red: No.
Obi-Wan: So does anyone know what is going on?
Guy: The wisest man of all time could not decipher the antics of this group. It is a thing to be thought of when no one knows what to do.
Aaron: The script isn't finished!!!!
Everyone: WHAT!!!!!!!!
Kat: Heh heh, well, I didn't know how to make the transition from the middle to the end...I figured out how to end it. But, Ladies Night came on and...(Max and Kit interrupt)
Max and Kit: (singing) Oh, yes it's ladies night, and I'm feeling right; oh yes it's ladies night, oh what a night.
Biz: Sexist pigs.
Max: Forgive me my dearest Biz; I would not for the worlds offend you...lest the heavens fall from the sky and the world thusly ends.
Kat: Back to me, Ladies Night came on and then the Christmas break started and I didn't know what to do.
Great Evil: I can't work with this!!! This is not in my contract.
Max: Quit being a pansy. (the Great Evil (bum bum bum) looks really nasty at Max)
Red: Is there a reason why we just can't freeze him like before?
Aaron: Yes, it's not dramatic enough for Kat's idiom. But that's exactly what I think we should do.
Kat: Sounds like an excellent idea to me....but how?
Biz: Any ideas hottest of the cuties?
Max: No but I'm working on it.
Biz: I was talking to Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: Me neither.
Kit: Nope, none here.
Kat: You haven't had an idea since we were born. (and at this point Biz and Kat fall laughing to the floor, the guys think its funny, but not that funny) How about that liquid nitro that Mrs. Filler keeps locked away in her chem. lab?
Guy: Good idear O Kat!!
Kat: Of course it's a good idea!
Guy: How do you know about it?
Aaron: You have to know these things when you're a star, writer, or director. Come on...let's go break into the lab.
(so the children set out to kill the Great Evil {bum bum bum} Mr. Fuzzums the possessed hamster. So in the group we have Qui, Obi-Wan, Kat, Kit, Biz, Max, Red, Guy, Aaron, Bob, Ben, and Chadwick. And Shelle and Adam. Wait a minute....how did those last 5 get here?)
Bob: We *beeeeeeeeeeeeeep* did what we *beeeeeeeeeep* wanted to.
Shelle: I could find my Aaron anywhere.
Adam: I love you Shelle.
Great Evil: What do I do?
Kit: How about killing Adam and Shelle?
Great Evil: Okay. (zaps the two and they fall over dead) What else?
Red: Hunt down and beat up Bob and Chadwick.
Guy: What about Ben? He's in that group.
Ben: Yeah, I want to be included.
Guy: Okay, hunt down and beat up Bob and Chadwick and leave Ben in one piece. Better start running you guys. (so they all run off and go do their things.)
Scene 9 it's almost over now
Kat: Hey Red! C'mon over here. You're the strongest. So can you like jimmy the door or something...I don't know. Bust it down...maybe, please (puts on bestest puppy face)
Red: Okay, just this once. And any special requests?
Aaron: Don't leave fingerprints....I don't wanna be arrested.
Everyone: Yeah.
Qui-Gon: I don't have to worry about that. A true Jedi Master could not be arrested.
Kit: Actually, you're the only Jedi Master in the world.
Obi-Wan: - There are thousands in our world; this is a very primitive planet.
Kat: Primitive my foot!!!! Well, maybe my two older brothers....but that's it.
( now there in the lab and all stand there like idiots)
Max: I'll bust in the cabinet and get ummmmm....what was I supposed to get.
Aaron: This is why we need a script. Most of us are too immature to add lib. Liquid nitro. That's what you get
Red: Pick up some nitro-glycerin.
Kit: What's that?
Biz: Shut up stupid.
Obi-Wan: What's that?
Biz: He speaks! *sigh* It is a complex chemical compound that blows stuff up.
Kat: Impressive.
Obi-Wan: Huh?
Qui-Gon: Fuel for thermal detonators.
Obi-Wan: Ohhhh. (by now Max has tried to open the cabinet very gently...he tries sheer force)
Max: (throws weight into cabinet door) OW. (Kat sighs at him and walks over, kicks the lock, and then opens the door)
Kat: Simpleton. Guys always try to do it the hard way. (she grabs two bottles and looks at the labels) Liquid nitro for freezing, and nitro-glycerin for 'splodin' stuff. God, this teacher is insane.
Aaron: Why say you that Ibonek?
Kat: Shut up President Elect George W. Bush.
Qui-Gon: I don't know what you just said or did, but don't make fun of me.
Kat: Isn't that weird. That's precisely what Chadwick said when he chose Qui-Gon Jinn as a pen name for our tests.
(the story behind those jokes is that this teacher makes us use fake names on our tests so she can post the scores out in the hall....I use the name Ibonek, Aaron uses Pres....., and Chadwick Uses Qui-Gon Jinn) (kids all laugh)
(all of the kids are walking through the halls....well...everyone we like is. Nothing is working out for them because they don't know where the Great Evil (bum bum bum) *growls* I hate that....anyway...they can't find Mr. Fuzzums.)
Kit: Here Mr. Fuzzums!!! Here hamster, hamster, hamster!
Obi-Wan: What do you hope to accomplish by acting like that, a moron.
Biz: Really.
Kat: It's not acting.
Qui-Gon: What's the plan, again?
Red: I throw the beaker of liquid nitro at the hamster.
Max: Then I throw the nitro-glycerin.
Kat: I make a speech about this being my world, my rules, and he can't take over it.
Aaron: I poof away before this happens so I don't get blown up.
Biz: Kit and I hide away so we don't get killed. But we cheer Kat on.
Obi-Wan: I use my lightsaber to slice up any remaining piece of the hamster if it isn't
destroyed.
Guy: I make sure nothing goes wrong. If it does, I improvise and save the day.
Qui-Gon: So I do nothing.
Kids: Right.
Qui-Gon: What happens if he ducks? (the kids stand and look like a bunch of deer in headlights...they're clueless)
Kat: You distract him.
Qui-Gon: What!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aaron: She's right. It's the only really dangerous task. But if you're not brave enough to....(Qui boy cuts him off)
Qui-Gon: Of course I am.
Aaron: See, Qui is not half as bad as you think Kat.
Kat: I could get use to having them around.
Biz: Obi-Wan can stay.
Aaron: I have to go now. So I guess I'll see you on Monday. (Aaron does his little poofy thing and disappears)
Obi-Wan: Couldn't he poof outside and unlock the door?
Kat: Yeah, but where's the fun in that?
(the Great Evil (bum bum bum) appears before them)
Great Evil: You wanted something?
Max: Yea, hang on while we get into attack formation. (Kat stands up before the hamster, Max and Red stand on either side of it, Biz and Kit hide behind some lockers, Obi-Wan stands on Kat's right, Qui on her left) Here we go...wait....when the bomb goes off, all of us need to follow the laws of physics and go thata way. ( he points down the hall)
Everyone: Okay.
Kat: Start taunting Qui.
Qui-Gon: *clears throat* Nananabooboo!
Kat: Is that it?!?!!?!?!?!
Qui-Gon: I'd like to see you do better...now where was I. (he continues his thing)
Kat: Okay, Mr. Fuzzums....it's time to go back to that hamster cage in the sky. This is our world....you can't take over it. And you can't eat all the Twinkies. So I'm only gonna tell you once to leave. NO? Now all feel the wrath of Stone!! Sorry, wrong story. Now: In the name of the moon I shall....!! Dang! I still haven't got it right. How about this: Screw you Great Evil (bum bum bum)!!!!!!!!!! Now Red! (he throws the container of liquid nitro at the hamster)
Great Evil: (as he's freezing) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (pauses for breath) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Max: I love you Biz! (he throws the beaker of nitro-glycerin at Mr. Fuzzums......and.................
INTERMISSION
And.............the bottle does nothing)
Max: I knew it.....she wouldn't honestly keep a bottle like that at a school. It was a decoy.
Guy: We all must do our part.... HIYAH!!!!!!!!!! (he kicks the frozen statue and it shatters into dust)
Kat: Cool....so we just saved the day.
Everyone: (singing to the Cha-Cha-Cha) WE JUST SAVED THE DAY, HEH; WE JUST SAVED THE DAY, HEH; WE JUST SAVED THE DAY, HEH....CHA, CHA, CHA!!!!!!!!!!
Qui-Gon: Look! We're fading away Obi-Wan. We have completed our mission. Good-Bye friends. If you're ever in our galaxy...ask for us by name.
(the two fade away for good and the children stand there)
Kat: AARON!!!!!!!! Poof outside and unlock the door so we can go home.
The Last real scene...this will be followed by a real epilogue
(all the kids walked home) (Kat walks in her front door quietly; Billy is sitting at the computer)
Billy: 'Bout time you got home. I'm on the 'net so deal.
Kat: I will not deal....I just help to save the world from a possessed hamster named Mr. Fuzzums after you and your jerk friends locked us in the school. Get (kick) off (kick) my (kick) computer (kick kick kick).
Billy: Okay; OW, yeesh. (he exits stage left)
(Kat signs on to her screenname/account: Obwanabajedi using her password: Ewanahottie; she has a friend online: Kthespazz; an IM screen pops up)
Kthespazz: Howdy, Howdy, Howdy. 'Sup?
Obwanabajedi: nuthin...just help save the world from a possessed hamster named Mr. Fuzzums.
Kthespazz: OMG! Get out!!! How?
Obwanabajedi: me and aaron came up with the idea to freeze him...there should be leftovers mon. at school
Kthespazz: cool
Obwanabajedi: cha...but I g/g. Billy, Kit, and Jack need to be looked after while mom and dad go out. See ya
Kthespazz: bye
So that's the story...the end
Epilogue
Kat: Babysits for her twin, older brother, and younger one (Jack).
Kit: gets his hand caught in between rungs on back of chair....has pictures made of it.
Red: goes home and sleeps until Monday.
Guy: goes home and eats until Monday.
Aaron: locks every door behind him, tries to get restraining order for Chadwick
Max: goes home and looks at pics of Biz until Monday.
Biz: goes home and looks at pics of Ewan McGregor.
Shelle: goes out w/ this guy Davie to make Aaron jealous...it doesn't work
Adam: I hate that guy so I don't know what happened to him.
Bob, Ben, Chadwick: still roaming the halls...I don't know
You know what happens to Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon. I don't have any quotes from the cast this time.....but it's okay.
AARON!!!!!! CREDITS!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!
Kat: MK Max: Martin Guy: Andrew Biz: Marie
Kit: Michael Aaron: Eric Shelle: Shannon
Adam: Mitchell (freaky lunch kid) Ben: Benji Chadwick: Chad
Bob: Joey Kthespazz: Kayton Billy: Billy Tommy: Tommy
I think that's the end
If I missed anything, be sure to say something in a nice review.
Kat: 14 very smart, part tomboy, bossy at times, the writer and star of the story, she is strong mentally and sorta physically she is a good fighter b/c...well her and the others develop their characters throughout the story.... if you get lost I am sorry. she is determined. Her best feature is her use of satire to defeat the fools of this world Portrayed by: ME
Kit: 14 he is Kat's twin brother (unfortunately). Not my real brother. They love to beat each other up and stuff that normal siblings do...he is pretty strong, kinda smart and puppy dog cute...the only problem with him is his age. He is a moron and very immature. (if you have read my other story, he is not completely like Boy) his real name is...well...er..ummm...not important....he made up his own nickname at an early age Portrayed by: Michael Still not my real brother.
Guy: His real name is Bert but no one likes that other than him...so we all call him Guy. He too is 14 and he is Zen/Yoga boy. Kinda weird but as the story goes on you'll understand what I mean. Really wants to be the set comedian, but he is still in training. The only reason he is not the set comedian is b/c of another funnier person. But he has some brains. Portrayed by: Andrew
Biz: 14, she is Kat's best friend. She is petite, sweet, and doesn't really like fighting, but she does what she has to. BOY CRAZY in every aspect of the phrase. She even hits on a young Obi-Wan. Sharp tongue and wit Portrayed by: Marie
Red: Frederick is a 14 year old with unusual size...really tall guy. He kinda gets mad easily and I can't blame him. But his hotheaded-ness is what earned him his nickname
Under that tough guy exterior lies someone who loves bunnies and other fluffy things
Portrayed by: Glenn
Max: 14 comedian...his real name is Maxamillion (yes it is spelled that way in my world) cute and can fight really well, he is the weapons expert of the group. Ladies man who is constantly hitting on Biz (she is busy chasing Obi Wan) Portrayed by: Martin
Aaron: my director returns!!! You'll see how eventually but if you want to know more about him then read The Big Dope (my pride and joy *sniffle* ) go read it and find our something new. He is the SW expert and is still being chased by Shelle who is being chased by Adam
Disclaimer and Author's note: I only own the story and the above characters. Lucas owns all SW stuff. Unless you recognize it from somewhere else. I am not making money and although it is mentioned it is just part of my gag. My running gag that is, along with the other running gags I run. Shelle, Adam, and Joey all own themselves b/c I wish I didn't know them. Benji and Chad own themselves, but they need mental help. And Kayton, the sweet one, owns her self too. Oh yeah, and PS don't sue me. I don't have much money. I spell lightsaber several different ways in this story. My computer doesn't know what I mean when I type lightsabre. But we all know I'm talking about well, a light saber. Light sabre is way cool.
Author's note(s):
If you like my story well enough, then check out my satirist site ibonek.swfans.com
If you like all that, send me an email and maybe we can link or something. Special appearances by Shannon (Shelle) Adam (that freaky kid at lunch) Joey and Benji and Chad (Bob the jerk and Ben the other school moron and the Chadwick school insane smart person) Tommy (himself) and Billy (my weird but almost lovable older brother) Kayton (Kthespazz internet buddy)
Dedication: I love my baby brother, Jack. I just couldn't figure out how to get him into this one. Sorry guys. He will definitely be in the next one. But a one-year-old baby just won't fit in this story about high school students.
Overview: Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon (pre TPM by several years long enough for Obi-Wan to be 15) somehow wind up in a modern times high school to defeat a great evil that no one really knows what it is. They have to rely on the help of some Force sensitive thingies and only those 6 kids can help them save the world. Has nothing to do with my other story, although it will be mentioned. Don't forget; pay is mentioned, doesn't happen at all. Never nope notta aint' no way in this world. Clear? Now AARROONN!!!! ROLL CREDITS NOW!!!!
High School Heck...
Or if these are our heroes were screwed
Why haven't you people already sent me an email telling me I'm wonderful? Is it that hard to understand? Someone....I need feedback to keep writing. Please? Maybe?
Enough time stalled:
Scene 1
(we are in a galaxy far away and etc. in the Jedi Counsel room with Qui Gon and Obi Wan)
Qui-Gon: Obi Wan, it is time to meditate. I sense some great evil I fear we must fight. (cue evil music: bum bum bum...Qui Gon looks puzzled) I also sense 6 people who can help us and we must find them; for they are our only hope.
Obi-Wan: But why can't Master Windu or Master Yoda do this?
Qui-Gon: Quit whining. And we have to do this because it is in the script.
Aaron: (from offstage) DON'T MENTION THE SCRIPT!!!!
Obi-Wan: What was that about?
Qui-Gon: I don't know. Keep meditating. We must find the Great Evil (bum bum bum) What is that noise?
Obi-Wan: Beats me. (you ain't gonna believe this, but they meditate so hard they transport their bodies and etc. to a 21st century school. A high school)
Scene 2
(Welcome to Hellp High. This is the pseudo name for my high school. I refuse to release the actual name, because someone would be a brat and tell on me and get me in some more trouble. Anyways, the 6 wonderful heroes are here with Kat's and Kit's older brother Billy {18} and some of his oddball friends. It is late, dark, and the kids are being mean and setting up a school prank. I would never do this in real life.)
Billy: I gotta get something out of the car I will be right back. Don't do anything really stupid Kit.
Kit: What about Kat?
Billy: I ain't worried about her. (as soon as Billy is out of the door one of his friends grabs him) What the.....
Tommy: Shut up Bill. You two; bolt the door. I want those little brats sealed inside.
Billy: That's great, but I am seriously gonna be hurt for this. (they throw Billy in the car and drive off)
(now all 6 kids are beating on the door screaming at the other morons who left them)
Kit: I'm telling mommy!
Max: Get back here you son of a female dog!!
Red: Return at once fool!
Biz: You freakin' creep! I will do great bodily harm to you for this!
Guy: You pick us up right now you low-life, good-fer-nothing, duck billed platypus!
Kat: I swear, when I get out of here I will beat you into a pulp Billy! I know where you live!
Max: Big surprise, Kat. And like you can actually take that guy. (Kat turns around and growls at him) I take it back! Yeesh!
Aaron: (Hobbling on to stage with a broken leg and a pair of crutches) Hey, be nice. And don't make me work any more than I have to. This is a lot of trouble.
Red: How did you get out of He...gym class?
Aaron: I pretended to break my leg.
Kit: Then why still hobble around?
Aaron: On my way out the door, I tripped and actually broke it.
Guy: Smooth
Max: Nice going director boy. Now you better watch out. Shelle is still looking for you.
Biz: Didn't she get run over in The Big Dope?
Kat: Yeah, but it wasn't enough to kill her.
Kit: Rats!
Shelle: (comes on stage with crutches, a sling, and a bandage around her head) Why do you still run away Aaron? I love you. (she starts to hobble over towards him)
Aaron: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (pauses for a really long breath) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (he 'runs' as fast as he can offstage) (now Adam comes on in about the same shape as Shelle)
Adam: I love you Shelle! Come back! (goes off to find Shelle)
Biz: Why won't he stay dead?
Kat: I dunno. But something is not right here.
Guy: I'm hungry. Let's go find some food. But wait, I'm a Boy Sprout. Always prepared. (pulls pack of Twinkies from a backpack he has)
Red: Share or die, small one!
Guy: Yeeps! OK.
Scene 3
(Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are in a high school {they don't know what it is but we do} red and black sheets of paper cover the lights coating the hall with a eerie blood red glow.)
Obi-Wan: What is this place? Is this where Jedi go when they have been {gulp} bad?
Qui-Gon: I.... don't...know.
(meanwhile Aaron comes in over the intercom after hearing all of this)
Big Booming Aaron Voice: No, this isn't he...heck. But it is as close as you can come without being dead. MUHAHAHAH!!! (Chokes on his arrogance) UGH! UGH!
(clears throat) Welcome to Hellp High. Where you are going to die.
Obi-Wan: Really?
Aaron: I don't know. It says so in the script. And it says that I pull the switch hear and turn out the power. (something makes a clicking noise and all the lights go out.)
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (pause for a short breath) HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(they start running; then they head off in a new direction because they hear screaming....go figure
MEANWHILE)
Kids: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (they all start running) (they run smack into someone or thing....)
Kids: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kit: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Obi-Wan: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kit: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Obi-Wan: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kit: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Obi-Wan: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kit: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Obi-Wan: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kat: Enough!
Qui-Gon: Stop now Obi-Wan.
Kat: If you scream one more time, I'll make sure you sing in the soprano section for the rest of you life. Clear?
Kit: Crystal.
Kat: Now get out your flashlight, Guy Scout.
Qui-Gon: Find a glow-rod Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: I can't find it master. How about this? (activates lightsaber.)
Kit: Ooooooo, pretty colors.
(they turn the things on and look at each other. It is a very awkward silence)
Red: Hey, wait a minute. Those are the peoplees from that moviely thingy.
Guy: Hey dude! It is! Errrr...they are!
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon: Huh?
Kat: Ignore the fools.... God! They're right! Moving on...who are you (DUH!!!!) and why are you here?
Obi-Wan: I am...(Qui-Gon interrupts)
Qui-Gon: I am Qui-Gon Jinn; Jedi Master and Bringer of Good Things. I am here to save the world from some horrible, untimely, tragic and etc. end. Oh yeah, and this is Obi-Wan, my Padawan.
Kat: Little egotistical aren't we?
Biz: Or testosteroney. And hey....(looks at Obi-Wan) How you doin'?
Obi-Wan: Huh?
Max: Biz! How could you hit on him? He's so not me!
Kit: What I miss?
Kat: Ummm....whatever.
Max: Biz, why are you going after the Jedi and not the hottie?
Qui-Gon: Padawan.
Max: Whatever.
Red: So what exactly are you doing at Hellp High?
Obi-Wan: We are here to fight some Great Evil(bum bum bum), but we don't know what it is. (Qui-Gon walks over a smacks Obi-wan) OW!
Qui-Gon: Don't ever reveal a weakness to pathetic lifeforms. (Kit walks over and kicks Qui-Gon in the shin) OW!
Kit: Only I can be smacked in this story. (Kat walks over and smacks Kit)
Kat: Boy!
Kit: I am not Boy....quit calling me that.
Kat: Sorry I meant Kit. And we are not pathetic. (she looks over to see Kit trying to tie his shoelace.)
Kit: I did it!!!YEA!!! GO ME IT'S MY B'DAY GO ME GO ME!!! WOOP WOOP!
Kat: On second thought, some of us are.
Obi-Wan: Will you quit looking at me?(points to Biz) You're making me nervous.
Max: Don' insult the Biz.
Red: Grow up. Both of you. All of you.
Guy: (through bad Chinese accent)Your body must be rike stone; and your mind rike meat roaf.
Kat: Okay....whatever. Since that proved pointless and time-consuming, why don't we move on to the next scene. (screaming)Okay with you Aaron?
Big Booming Aaron Voice: Okay!
Scene 4
(an abandoned hallway in Hellp High, we see Aaron just hobbling along and singing to himself)
Aaron: (singing) My, my this here Anakin guy maybe Vader someday later now he's just a small fry. He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye saying soon I'm gonna be a Jedi....soon I'm gonna be a Jedi.(he hears something, stops singing and turns around) What was that? (Shelle comes 'walking' up to him)
Shelle: I love you. Why do you keep running away from me. It is your destiny for us to be together.
Aaron: Aw man! Here we go again.......AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH. Wait (pulls up his crutch and starts using it like a sword. ) En garde! (she nimbly maneuvers around him and they have this really cool fight scene...when all of a sudden)
Adam: ('walking' up to the two) Shelle, no don't do this. You could get hurt. (He takes his crutch and lunges at Aaron. But Shelle is so obsessed with Aaron that she jumps in front of the flying crutch to save his life. The crutch goes through her and kills her.)Shelle, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(he takes his last crutch and stabs himself through the heart. A very painful way to die.)
Aaron: She saved my life.....oh well. Screw this. I gotta go find something to happen in the next scene. (As he leaves the mess behind 3 people walk up. Bob the school jerk. Ben the other school moron. And Chadwick the school's genius who lacks common sense.)
Bob: (looking at the gore on the floor) What the *beeeeeeeep* is this *beeeeeeeep*I don't know.
Chadwick: Although it appears to be a couple of discarded corpses, it is obviously some attempt by my best friend/constant intellectual competitor (Aaron) to dissuade me from my rather shady methods of becoming valedictorian this year.
Ben: First I wanna know what you said....in English please.
Bob: He thinks Aaron put it there to *beeeeeeeep* with his *beeeeeeeep* mind. And you're a *beeeeeeeep* freshman just like us. You can't be the *beeeeeeeep* valedictorian this year.
Chadwick: I can and I will. I must defeat Aaron if it is the last thing I do. Mwahahhahahahahahahahaha
(This is one majorly screwed up group)
(moving away from this group now because I don't like them)
Scene 5
(back with the Jedi and fools of the school....they are sitting around their flashlight and the glow rod....no one talks...)chrrripppp...chrrrippp(Some one shut that cricket up!!!)
Qui-Gon: We cannot stay here forever. The Great Evil (bum bum bum){Qui-Gon looks puzzled} is near. I cannot tell where.
Biz: I love your accent Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: What accent?
Max: I didn't know bad British accents existed in that time. I thought they were a recent thing. (Changes his voice to a British accent) I can bloody well do 'at too.
Kit: Stop confusing me. Shut up! Leave me alone!
Red: Oh no.....
Guy: Who is it this time, and what did they say to frighten the moronic one?
Kat: It's the little voices in his head. Some body needs to institutionalize him.
Obi-Wan: Ha, I pity you. You are related to it, and you have to live with it.
Kat: Mr. Big Jedi Man...reading some minds...
Qui-Gon: He is a Padawan learner. Is that to long and complicated for you to remember young Katrina?
Kat: First off, no one but my enemies call me Katrina. Secondly, my vocabulary is twice as large as your, you balatro. Now, listen Qui, I don't take kindly to insults. So leave me alone if you can't take or make a good joke. As for you, "Padawan" you are now a part sniffle of this group. You are one of us. Moment over.
Kit: Did something just happen I need to know about?
Obi-Wan: Nope.
Kat: So what should we do to celebrate our new and probably only friends?
Aaron: (hobbled up to the group) Why don't we read some of the best fanfiction in the world. Written and directed by the best and most talented minds in the business.
Red: Run away cripple. "Go and boil your bottom...son of a silly person. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. Now go away before I must taunt you a second time."
Max: Been watchin' that Monty Python a wee bit too much laddy.
Kat: Aaron, thank you for plugging my fanfic. But I think you should leave before something happens.....like Shelle comes back.
Aaron: Nope, she's dead.
Everyone: What!!!!
Guy: The Great Evil (bum bum bum) did this!
Aaron: nope, well. Maybe. Adam did this.
Biz: The Great Evil (bum bum bum) did do it!
Qui-Gon: No, I would have felt something if someone had died. I don't.
Kat: Maybe you're losing it, Qui.
Qui-Gon: Don't call me that.
Kat: Okay Qui. I won't call you Qui anymore, Qui. Isn't that right, Qui?
Max: I have an idea. (singing) Kumbia, m'Lord.
Everyone except Kat, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and Red: Kumbia. Oh Lord. Kumbia.
Kumbia, m'Lord. Kumbia.
Max: (in his deep bass voice) Oh Lord, Kumbiaaaaaaa...I hate this school m'Lord, Kumbia. It really stinks, m'Lord, Kumbia.
All the kids who attend this school: (practically screaming/singing) OH LORD, KUMBIA!!!
Kit: (in a whiny tenor voice) Oh Lord, Kumbia. I want my mommy, m'Lord, Kumbia. I a baby m'Lord, Kumbia.
Kat: (not singing) See, we don't have to make fun of him. Years of torture, I mean sibling rivalry, produced this freak of nature.
Obi-Wan: Ohhhh...
(Qui-Gon suddenly sits up straight, and says the ominous phrase)
Qui-Gon: I have a bad feeling about this.
Red: Me too.
Guy: Yeah, we shouldn't have eaten all those Twinkies. 'Tis bad to have eaten and lost; then to never have eaten at all.
Qui-Gon: No, something is not right with this school(well duh, ya' moron). I think the Great Evil (bum bum bum) has just made its entrance.
Scene 6
(this happens simultaneously to the singing at the "camp"; I guess Qui-Boy was right)
(a figure dressed totally in black appears.....as if out of mid air)
Darth Dark (a minion of evil and imp to the Great Evil (bum bum bum): I have arrived at this place. This place in which I am to take over all primitive lifeforms. To kill them. Then, my master, I will summon you. And you can begin your reign of darkness and eat all the Twinkies in the world!!!!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
(Bob, Ben, and Chadwick all walk up to the laughing fool in black robes.)
Bob: What the *beeeeep* is this? What the *beeeep* is it wearing?
Chadwick: Okay, now Aaron. It's not funny anymore. I will win; you know that. It is your destiny to fail miserably in life to me. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!!!!
Ben: (smacks Chadwick) God, shut up. No one freakin' cares about this Crusade of yours.
Chadwick: Screw you to Ben. I don't need you. Any of you.
(Darth Dark draws out his lightsabre; and he waves it threateningly at Chadwick)
Darth Dark: If you don't shut that large hole in your head, then I will chop your head off your body. You will either help my master, the Great Evil (bum bum bum) or you will die a slow and painful death.
Chadwick: Ummm...no. See you are what like some sorta Jedi or something. I am not impressed with you. (the lightsabre comes really close to Chadwick's head.) Help!!!!!! MOMMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bob: What the *beeeeeeeeeeeeeep* is that *beeeeeeeeeeeep*? You ain't tryin' to *beeeeeeep* kill off my *beeeeeeeeeeep* tutor? He's gonna help me *beeeeeeeeeeeep* graduate this *beeeeeeeeeep* high school! *Beeeeeeeeeeep* you! (Bob walks up to Darthy boy and smacks him) Take that!
Darth Dark: What the? And no, I am not a Jedi. I am a Sith. I am the bringer of evil and ominous things. 'Tis naught but evil, hatred, and other bad things which I bring. But wait. I sense 9 Force sensitive thingies. 9 Master! Why did you not warn me? No matter. They will all die slow painful deaths!
Ben: Okay, I recently learned to count and Bob, Ben, and Chadwick makes 3; it doesn't equal 9. So now who's the screwed up one?
Bob: Shut the *beeeeeeeeeeeeeep* up. No one cares. However, I am really proud you can count. Moment over. Let's leave really fast before dork boy *beeeeeeeeeeeeeep* kills us.
Chadwick: Aaron, you might have won this round. I will win the next one. You will bow down in fear of my intelligence before the day is done.
Bob: Shut the *beeeeeeeeeeeeeep* up man, you moron. Has it ever occurred to you that Aaron might not be behind this?
Chadwick: Who's the genius here? I am. That's right. Now deal with it. (Darth Dark wields up his lightsabre.)
Darth Dark: I will kill you all!!!!! (all three kids run off screaming in different directions.)
Kids: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Darth Dark: Right, moving on
Now I think it is Scene 7.
Yes it is
(back at the group of kids and Jedi)
Aaron: No, no, no, no, no. It's not done. Jedi do not have a giant sleepover and invite the Sith to tea and chocolate biscuits. Max, grow up and get for real.
Max: Then why does Ben Kenobi know so much about Darth Vader?
Aaron: He freakin' trained him!
Max: You do know everything.
Aaron: I told you.
Obi-Wan: So who is this Ben guy you keep mentioning.
Kit: You.
Obi-Wan: What?
Kat: No, he's a moron. Just let's put it this way. Long after you're dead, let's face it Obi it's the future, someone made a movie about you and your journeys.
Qui-Gon: Was I there?
Kit: For a while.
Red: Maybe we should let them discover their own destiny.
Guy: That was my line.
Kit: I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves.
Red: Sorry.
Kat: They're right. You don't need to know. I will not tell you.
Obi-Wan: Well, screw you too.
Kit: This is the song that doesn't end.
Biz: Look, Kat, we've been friends forever. But don't be dissin' da man.
Kat: What? No, not ever. Screw this entire conversation. Let's move on.
Kit: I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts. There they are a-standing in a row.
(at this time, Shelle comes walking up)
Shelle: Aaron, why won't you just love me? Is that too much to ask? It's my hair isn't it?
Aaron: Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!
Shelle: I knew it! It's the pants, they make me look fat.
Kit: Wait a minute...you died!
Aaron: That's right!
Kids: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(they all run around then smack into each other)
Aaron: Even in death she finds me and annoys me. (he starts to sob)
(Adam walks up)
Biz: No, not you too. (In real life, 'Adam' thinks he is dating Marie. Nobody likes Adam.)
Obi-Wan: What the....(Qui-Gon smacks him)
Qui-Gon: I will not let these pathetic children affect you and/or your training.
Kat: Brake out the champagne, we are a bad influence on Padywan here.
Kids: Yeah!!!!!
(at this time Darth Darks comes walking up to them)
Darth Dark: Hahahahahahah...look what I have found. A bunch of posies!
Kit: It's pansies you stupid fool. (Smacks Qui-Gon) What have I told you about smacking?
Darth Dark: Whatever. It doesn't matter. For now I am gonna kill you. But I will not kill girls. I have this thing about killing girls.
Guy: (grabbing Shelle by her arm) She's not a girl! I am not sure it's human! Kill it! Kill it now!
Biz: (grabs Adam) This one too.
Kat: Did he call me a girl?
Max: Oh boy, Darthy is screwed.
Guy: Hesa in bombad truble nowsa.
Biz: (attacks Guy) Don't talk like that! I hate Jar Jar!
Max: You screwed with the Biz, not literally; now you must die, also not literally.
Nicole: (the school slut queen {there goes my good rating} appears) Did someone say screw? Lookin' fo' some lovin'!
Kit: What in God's name is going on here!!! I am confused.
Qui-Gon: You're always confused.
Guy, Kit, Obi-Wan, Red, and Aaron: Go away now you slut queen.
Max: How you doin'? (Nicole walks up to him very "shagadelic" like.) Wait! You're not Biz! I love Biz!
Kat: Back to me and my problems. Okay; screw you Nicole, ewwwwwwwwwww. Not literally. And as for you Darthy Boy...(he cuts her off)
Darth Dark: My name is Darth Darkey the Darkster.
Everyone (except Kit) : HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!
Max: (falling and rolling on the floor, slapping his knee, pointing, laughing, crying and thinking about hot chocolate biscuits and tea) That's a pansy name! What kind of Mormon, I mean err...moron (sorry had to make fun of them to) names their kid that!
Darth Dark: Die you little imp! (zaps Max with blue stuff)
Max: OW! I don't wanna play no more. MOMMY!!!
Kat: (kicking Max) Shut (kick) up (kick) you (kick) pansy (kick kick kick). Now (looking to Darth Dark) I am not quite a girl. A half tomboy basically. See, the average 14 year old girl is egocentric, materialistic, and too self involved to realize the sky is green.
Max and Red together in British accent: Three, sire. Oops, blue.
Kat: Right, sorry, blue.
Darth Dark: And I care because?
Kat: Like I said. I am a tomboy.
Darth Dark: Whatever. You will all die because you are all annoying.
Aaron: What did I do?
Darth Dark: Um....er....it says this in the script?
Aaron: Don't mention the script. Okay? Why does no one understand? I am "Director Boy" and "Keeper of the Script". Only I can mention the script.
Guy: In response to the comment of Darthy, Runaway Runaway!!!!!!
Red: (clip clop clip clop) Come now Patsy.
Obi-Wan: What the? Where'd you get the coconuts?
Qui-Gon: Yes, this is a temperate zone!
Darth Dark: What the #@%* is wrong with you people?
Max: You can't say that word unless you're saying the name of a place. And you cannot tell someone to go to #@%*.
Darth Dark: Right, sorry ole' chap.
Biz: That reminds me. The thing about the coconuts was so witty, Obi-Wan.
Max: For you Biz, I will do great bodily harm to this freak. (He lunges at Darthy while Darthy easily sidesteps the young fool and Max flies into a wall) OW!!
Red: Oooo; that looked painful.
Guy: Great pain and suffering comes to those who are fools.
Kat: Whatever. Um......someone give me some plot ideas!!! This is getting bad!
Qui-Gon: It has been bad for a long time now, young one.
Guy: No professional writing, good see you how.
Kit: I'm lost.
Kat: Shut up Yoda-boy. Quit putting Star Wars allusions in this fanfic.
Obi-Wan: Any of you have lightsabers?
Biz: No, only you dearest of dears.
Obi-Wan: Well, I was gonna say maybe if you threw lightsabers at it, or had a lightsaber war it would leave you alone.
Max: But Darthy has one too.
Obi-Wan: I was talking about Shelle.
Everyone: Okay!
Kat: We can't kill her. That totally messes up my family rating.
Max: Like all those previous comments about screwing haven't.
Darth Dark: DIEEEE!!!(lunges at kids with an activated lightsaber)
Kids and young Jedi: AHHHHHHHHHHH! (they leap rather ungracefully out of his way)
Darth Dark: Uh-oh.(smacks into a wall and falls like he is unconscious)
Obi-Wan: That's gonna leave a mark.
Kit: Can I poke it with a stick to see if it's alive?
Aaron: Well, seeing how I have thoroughly been neglecting my directing duties, I'm leaving. I'm not in this portion of the script.
Kat: DON'T MENTION THE SCRIPT. Sorry, not my line. And go on and poke it Kit.
(kit pokes Darth Dark with a stick{where did he get it? I don't know}and guess what really gross thing happens.....Darthy Boy's head falls off.)
Scene 8 (I know it's in a bad spot, but I had to break it up)
Everyone: EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aaron: Blood makes me nauseous. I'm nauseous. I'm nauseous. I'm nauseous. I'm nauseous. I'm nauseous. I'm nauseous.
Kat: But there's no blood.
(the kids sneak up to the body and kick it some...nothing happens)
Biz: Look at that! (the body is a robotic one and there is a small hamster inside operating it)
Obi-Wan: What in the name of the Force is that?
Max: It's Mr. Twinkey! My old pet hamster from the days of old. I'm so happy to see you. But you've been a naughty boy. Bad hamster, bad! No treat!
Mr. Twinkey(formerly Darth Darky the Darkster): You will all pay. You are fools you can not stop the Great Evil(bum bum bum).
Qui-Gon: This is ridiculous. So, because it is in the script I have to suggest that we kill it.
Max: Impossible. He died three years ago.
Kat: So I have something so horrible, evil, and etc in mind for it.....let's give it to Shelle as a pet.
Aaron: Nothing deserves that fate.
Kit: We could always give it to Bob, Ben, or Chadwick.
Aaron: Chadwick, where?!
Red: Yeah , he and the other morons are locked in and walking around somewhere.
Kat: Shelle!!!!!!! Come here!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! AARON IS NOT WEARING A SHIRT!!! So I lied. We need to get rid of it.
Shelle(coming up to the group): Where what??? Aaron!? Aaron! (They start another chase scene the others chuck the hamster at her as she runs by)Ooooooo a new pet.
Max: So he gets the only skin-exposing scene.
Biz: Obi-Wan can if he wants to.
Obi-Wan: No thanks.
Mr. Twinkey: Come my master!! In the name of the all powerful Twinkie...(Guy interrupts)
Guy: Twinkie! Where!
Mr. Twinkey: Come on already! This is getting old. I summon the all powerful and Evil The Great Evil(bum bum bum)!
(a dark and sinister thing forms itself in the presence of the kids )
Great Evil: (bum bum bum) I am the true master of darkness. Bow before me all pathetic lifeforms.
Kit: It's Mr. Fuzzums!
Obi-Wan: Who are these people?
Kit: It's my pet hamster.
Qui-Gon: In the name of the Force! *beeeeeeeeeep* Come on! I will not fight a hamster.
(Bob and co. walk up)
Bob: No one in this *beeeep* fanfic can cuss other than me. (he smacks Qui-Gon)
Kit: I would smack him, but I don't wanna be killed.
Ben: Whatever you little freak.
Chadwick: Aaron, you have sunken to a new low. Dressing up like a hamster to defeat me, HA don't make me laugh.
Kit: But Mr. Fuzzums, how can you be here? You died of natural causes in the mid-nineties.
Kat: No, he didn't ......Dad put him outside and frozed him to death.
Kit: Dear sweet God! I've been living a lie! (breaks down and sobs)
Qui-Gon: Come on Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: What?
Qui-Gon: We are going to save the world from this possessed hamster.
Guy: We, or at least I, wanna help.
Kat: I do.
Max: For my Biz!
Red: For my daily workout!
Qui-Gon: Who's here to save the world? That's right, me. So shut up, sit down, and make sure they spell my name right in the history books.
Biz: toucheee!
Kat: Grow up Qui. You on my turf now. Wesa play by my rules, and you're gonna let us help, or you ain't gonna hafta worry about Mr. Fuzzums. HUDDLE!!!!
(the kids crowd around each other in an attempt to figure out how to save the world. All except Kit who's in convulsions on the floor, Bob who could care less, Ben who doesn't know what is going on, and Chadwick who is still delusional.)
Chadwick: Just because Mrs. Bearden lost my papers several times does not mean you will defeat me! You know it! I will conquer you and your pathetic attempts at a life. I go home and practice my sax; you don't even have a life Aaron!
Kat: Would someone shut him up?
Aaron: AIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!(Aaron starts attacking Chadwick with his crutches)
Red: I though he was a pacifist.
Kat: That felt good, didn't it Aaron?
Aaron: More satisfying than anyone will ever know.
(Just a mental point, both Kit and Chadwick are in the same shape on the floor, crying and broken)
Great Evil: Could someone please tell me exactly just what is going on?
Kat: Um....no
Kit: What about me...could someone tell me what's going on?
Red: No.
Obi-Wan: So does anyone know what is going on?
Guy: The wisest man of all time could not decipher the antics of this group. It is a thing to be thought of when no one knows what to do.
Aaron: The script isn't finished!!!!
Everyone: WHAT!!!!!!!!
Kat: Heh heh, well, I didn't know how to make the transition from the middle to the end...I figured out how to end it. But, Ladies Night came on and...(Max and Kit interrupt)
Max and Kit: (singing) Oh, yes it's ladies night, and I'm feeling right; oh yes it's ladies night, oh what a night.
Biz: Sexist pigs.
Max: Forgive me my dearest Biz; I would not for the worlds offend you...lest the heavens fall from the sky and the world thusly ends.
Kat: Back to me, Ladies Night came on and then the Christmas break started and I didn't know what to do.
Great Evil: I can't work with this!!! This is not in my contract.
Max: Quit being a pansy. (the Great Evil (bum bum bum) looks really nasty at Max)
Red: Is there a reason why we just can't freeze him like before?
Aaron: Yes, it's not dramatic enough for Kat's idiom. But that's exactly what I think we should do.
Kat: Sounds like an excellent idea to me....but how?
Biz: Any ideas hottest of the cuties?
Max: No but I'm working on it.
Biz: I was talking to Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: Me neither.
Kit: Nope, none here.
Kat: You haven't had an idea since we were born. (and at this point Biz and Kat fall laughing to the floor, the guys think its funny, but not that funny) How about that liquid nitro that Mrs. Filler keeps locked away in her chem. lab?
Guy: Good idear O Kat!!
Kat: Of course it's a good idea!
Guy: How do you know about it?
Aaron: You have to know these things when you're a star, writer, or director. Come on...let's go break into the lab.
(so the children set out to kill the Great Evil {bum bum bum} Mr. Fuzzums the possessed hamster. So in the group we have Qui, Obi-Wan, Kat, Kit, Biz, Max, Red, Guy, Aaron, Bob, Ben, and Chadwick. And Shelle and Adam. Wait a minute....how did those last 5 get here?)
Bob: We *beeeeeeeeeeeeeep* did what we *beeeeeeeeeep* wanted to.
Shelle: I could find my Aaron anywhere.
Adam: I love you Shelle.
Great Evil: What do I do?
Kit: How about killing Adam and Shelle?
Great Evil: Okay. (zaps the two and they fall over dead) What else?
Red: Hunt down and beat up Bob and Chadwick.
Guy: What about Ben? He's in that group.
Ben: Yeah, I want to be included.
Guy: Okay, hunt down and beat up Bob and Chadwick and leave Ben in one piece. Better start running you guys. (so they all run off and go do their things.)
Scene 9 it's almost over now
Kat: Hey Red! C'mon over here. You're the strongest. So can you like jimmy the door or something...I don't know. Bust it down...maybe, please (puts on bestest puppy face)
Red: Okay, just this once. And any special requests?
Aaron: Don't leave fingerprints....I don't wanna be arrested.
Everyone: Yeah.
Qui-Gon: I don't have to worry about that. A true Jedi Master could not be arrested.
Kit: Actually, you're the only Jedi Master in the world.
Obi-Wan: - There are thousands in our world; this is a very primitive planet.
Kat: Primitive my foot!!!! Well, maybe my two older brothers....but that's it.
( now there in the lab and all stand there like idiots)
Max: I'll bust in the cabinet and get ummmmm....what was I supposed to get.
Aaron: This is why we need a script. Most of us are too immature to add lib. Liquid nitro. That's what you get
Red: Pick up some nitro-glycerin.
Kit: What's that?
Biz: Shut up stupid.
Obi-Wan: What's that?
Biz: He speaks! *sigh* It is a complex chemical compound that blows stuff up.
Kat: Impressive.
Obi-Wan: Huh?
Qui-Gon: Fuel for thermal detonators.
Obi-Wan: Ohhhh. (by now Max has tried to open the cabinet very gently...he tries sheer force)
Max: (throws weight into cabinet door) OW. (Kat sighs at him and walks over, kicks the lock, and then opens the door)
Kat: Simpleton. Guys always try to do it the hard way. (she grabs two bottles and looks at the labels) Liquid nitro for freezing, and nitro-glycerin for 'splodin' stuff. God, this teacher is insane.
Aaron: Why say you that Ibonek?
Kat: Shut up President Elect George W. Bush.
Qui-Gon: I don't know what you just said or did, but don't make fun of me.
Kat: Isn't that weird. That's precisely what Chadwick said when he chose Qui-Gon Jinn as a pen name for our tests.
(the story behind those jokes is that this teacher makes us use fake names on our tests so she can post the scores out in the hall....I use the name Ibonek, Aaron uses Pres....., and Chadwick Uses Qui-Gon Jinn) (kids all laugh)
(all of the kids are walking through the halls....well...everyone we like is. Nothing is working out for them because they don't know where the Great Evil (bum bum bum) *growls* I hate that....anyway...they can't find Mr. Fuzzums.)
Kit: Here Mr. Fuzzums!!! Here hamster, hamster, hamster!
Obi-Wan: What do you hope to accomplish by acting like that, a moron.
Biz: Really.
Kat: It's not acting.
Qui-Gon: What's the plan, again?
Red: I throw the beaker of liquid nitro at the hamster.
Max: Then I throw the nitro-glycerin.
Kat: I make a speech about this being my world, my rules, and he can't take over it.
Aaron: I poof away before this happens so I don't get blown up.
Biz: Kit and I hide away so we don't get killed. But we cheer Kat on.
Obi-Wan: I use my lightsaber to slice up any remaining piece of the hamster if it isn't
destroyed.
Guy: I make sure nothing goes wrong. If it does, I improvise and save the day.
Qui-Gon: So I do nothing.
Kids: Right.
Qui-Gon: What happens if he ducks? (the kids stand and look like a bunch of deer in headlights...they're clueless)
Kat: You distract him.
Qui-Gon: What!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aaron: She's right. It's the only really dangerous task. But if you're not brave enough to....(Qui boy cuts him off)
Qui-Gon: Of course I am.
Aaron: See, Qui is not half as bad as you think Kat.
Kat: I could get use to having them around.
Biz: Obi-Wan can stay.
Aaron: I have to go now. So I guess I'll see you on Monday. (Aaron does his little poofy thing and disappears)
Obi-Wan: Couldn't he poof outside and unlock the door?
Kat: Yeah, but where's the fun in that?
(the Great Evil (bum bum bum) appears before them)
Great Evil: You wanted something?
Max: Yea, hang on while we get into attack formation. (Kat stands up before the hamster, Max and Red stand on either side of it, Biz and Kit hide behind some lockers, Obi-Wan stands on Kat's right, Qui on her left) Here we go...wait....when the bomb goes off, all of us need to follow the laws of physics and go thata way. ( he points down the hall)
Everyone: Okay.
Kat: Start taunting Qui.
Qui-Gon: *clears throat* Nananabooboo!
Kat: Is that it?!?!!?!?!?!
Qui-Gon: I'd like to see you do better...now where was I. (he continues his thing)
Kat: Okay, Mr. Fuzzums....it's time to go back to that hamster cage in the sky. This is our world....you can't take over it. And you can't eat all the Twinkies. So I'm only gonna tell you once to leave. NO? Now all feel the wrath of Stone!! Sorry, wrong story. Now: In the name of the moon I shall....!! Dang! I still haven't got it right. How about this: Screw you Great Evil (bum bum bum)!!!!!!!!!! Now Red! (he throws the container of liquid nitro at the hamster)
Great Evil: (as he's freezing) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (pauses for breath) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Max: I love you Biz! (he throws the beaker of nitro-glycerin at Mr. Fuzzums......and.................
INTERMISSION
And.............the bottle does nothing)
Max: I knew it.....she wouldn't honestly keep a bottle like that at a school. It was a decoy.
Guy: We all must do our part.... HIYAH!!!!!!!!!! (he kicks the frozen statue and it shatters into dust)
Kat: Cool....so we just saved the day.
Everyone: (singing to the Cha-Cha-Cha) WE JUST SAVED THE DAY, HEH; WE JUST SAVED THE DAY, HEH; WE JUST SAVED THE DAY, HEH....CHA, CHA, CHA!!!!!!!!!!
Qui-Gon: Look! We're fading away Obi-Wan. We have completed our mission. Good-Bye friends. If you're ever in our galaxy...ask for us by name.
(the two fade away for good and the children stand there)
Kat: AARON!!!!!!!! Poof outside and unlock the door so we can go home.
The Last real scene...this will be followed by a real epilogue
(all the kids walked home) (Kat walks in her front door quietly; Billy is sitting at the computer)
Billy: 'Bout time you got home. I'm on the 'net so deal.
Kat: I will not deal....I just help to save the world from a possessed hamster named Mr. Fuzzums after you and your jerk friends locked us in the school. Get (kick) off (kick) my (kick) computer (kick kick kick).
Billy: Okay; OW, yeesh. (he exits stage left)
(Kat signs on to her screenname/account: Obwanabajedi using her password: Ewanahottie; she has a friend online: Kthespazz; an IM screen pops up)
Kthespazz: Howdy, Howdy, Howdy. 'Sup?
Obwanabajedi: nuthin...just help save the world from a possessed hamster named Mr. Fuzzums.
Kthespazz: OMG! Get out!!! How?
Obwanabajedi: me and aaron came up with the idea to freeze him...there should be leftovers mon. at school
Kthespazz: cool
Obwanabajedi: cha...but I g/g. Billy, Kit, and Jack need to be looked after while mom and dad go out. See ya
Kthespazz: bye
So that's the story...the end
Epilogue
Kat: Babysits for her twin, older brother, and younger one (Jack).
Kit: gets his hand caught in between rungs on back of chair....has pictures made of it.
Red: goes home and sleeps until Monday.
Guy: goes home and eats until Monday.
Aaron: locks every door behind him, tries to get restraining order for Chadwick
Max: goes home and looks at pics of Biz until Monday.
Biz: goes home and looks at pics of Ewan McGregor.
Shelle: goes out w/ this guy Davie to make Aaron jealous...it doesn't work
Adam: I hate that guy so I don't know what happened to him.
Bob, Ben, Chadwick: still roaming the halls...I don't know
You know what happens to Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon. I don't have any quotes from the cast this time.....but it's okay.
AARON!!!!!! CREDITS!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!
Kat: MK Max: Martin Guy: Andrew Biz: Marie
Kit: Michael Aaron: Eric Shelle: Shannon
Adam: Mitchell (freaky lunch kid) Ben: Benji Chadwick: Chad
Bob: Joey Kthespazz: Kayton Billy: Billy Tommy: Tommy
I think that's the end
If I missed anything, be sure to say something in a nice review.