Brennan always considered herself logical because, when all else failed, logic remained. Brennan depended on proof because it is the only thing that made her believe. But tonight, everything had shattered. Everything she had trusted, leaned on, had abandoned her when she had needed it most. What had begun as a correction of factual error had resulted in the demolishing of the wall she had carefully, purposefully, built to protect herself. To protect him. That earth shattering kiss, the amount of will power it had taken her to pull away, to say the things that had to be said. But she had found it, and watched in dismay as her answer, that utter blasphemy that was for the sake of him, sent waves of agony crashing over his face. He would remain nameless. Because she knew that the mere thought of his name would send so very many sensations to torture the entirety of her body and she knew that she was unprepared to handle such things. The moment kept replaying in Brennan's mind. The words he had used to break her. But he deserved to meet new women, she knew. That was precisely the reason she could not have him. He deserved someone who could reciprocate the compassion, and humility, and just good, he harbored. Brennan slipped in her control and his name exploded into her mind.
Seeley Booth.
In that instant, her resolve broke. She knew it was wrong of her to inflict this upon him. Her coat swung around her shoulders and she fumbled for her keys. The ride was a blur, the route so familiar she needn't even concentrate on the road. She heard the distinct shuffle of feet on the other side of the door she had just rapped her knuckles against. The door swung open to Booth in grey sweat pants that gathered and hung in all the right places. Shock filled his eyes, then pain. "Bones? What are doing?"
Agony ripped through Brennan as she heard the sheer torment in his voice and knew she had caused it. She was clueless as to how to respond. She knew what she was doing, but how was she ever to portray her message. She wanted something romantic and private, something only he would understand. The idea was a brilliant one as it graced her with its presence. She closed the distance between them and brought her eyes to meet his. The wariness there was clear, but hers begged for his audience. "I knew," she breathed, their faces so utterly close that the warmth of her breath brushed itself over his face, the scent engulfed him in its beauty.
It was clear, what she was telling him. It was clear what she was conveying. But he needed her to say it. Needed to hear the words leave her full lips. "Say it." The slight step he had taken to accompany his words brought them so close that the words were nearly said into her lips. But there was not an ounce of friction between the two. She nearly began the speech she had prepared, there in the hallway. But instead she merely requested, "May I come in?" At his nod, she slipped past him and settled herself into a chair, hoping the comfort of this familiar setting would ease the frantic thrumming of her heartbeat. But, being a scientist, she knew that a mere chair couldn't decrease the amount of adrenaline that was surging through her body. Brennan didn't trust herself to speak, instead choosing to let Booth break the silence. And he did, eventually.
"Er, Bones? You, er, you were saying?" The tentative hurt in Booth's voice shocked them both. Brennan had never heard such vulnerability from this man. Brennan tried to grasp control over her emotions, compartmentalize, as she had taught herself so long ago. Booth, recognizing her attempts, harshly took her face in his hands, daring her to avert his eyes. "No, Bones! You're not going to do that! You said you knew. Now explain that." He was too close, Booth realized. Her full, natural lips were all he could see and they filled him with such a disarming want. He released her, backing away with deep breaths, desperately trying to calm himself. A thought occurred to him then, and he was abruptly worried. "Did…did I hurt you?" He so hoped not. He had promised himself he never would.
Brennan was shocked at his question, not knowing where it came from. "Never," she assured. Booth nodded then, his raised eyebrows communicating to her that he was still awaiting her explanation. "I-" she stopped. But looking in his eyes gave her the encouragement she needed to proceed. He had already professed his love for her. But, what if? What if, one day, she wasn't enough for him? And he left? Just like the others. Brennan shoved that thought aside. It was not important in that particular moment, she knew. It would definitely surface on this night. But there were more important things to discuss at this particular time. "I don't know what love is, Booth. Physically, I know that a series of chemical reactions occur in the brain to create the emotion you call love. But I, personally, had given up on ever really feeling it. Before I met you. I, er," she stopped again. The last time she had ceased her speech it had been in fear of rejection. But this time it was fear of something different entirely. She was afraid of what this information would do to Booth.
She began again. "The day Russ left, I learned. Because after that day, I thought I knew what Love was. Because on that day, Love was the source of all the pain in my world. I had loved my parents. I had loved Russ. But they all left. I thought I had pinpointed Love for what it truly was. And I remained of that opinion for quite some time afterward. Until the day I met you. In all the years of our friendship, you have shown me, day after day, what it is to love…" she trailed off, watching a tear glisten down Booth's cheek. But he simply nodded wordlessly for her to continue. She knew the next segment would hurt him, but it had to be said.
"When I thought you were dead, I desperately attempted compartmentalization. But I couldn't. I couldn't feel. One night, I grabbed a glass bottle. I held it in my hand and smashed it into the sidewall of the sink. I was careful not to let the glass fly; I wanted to feel each shard cutting through me." Booth visibly flinched, but Brennan continued, "When you came back, I was angry, certainly. It would be useless to deny such an obvious fact. But you are very inaccurate if you assume I was angry with you, or Sweets for that matter. I was infuriated with myself, for becoming so close to you, for allowing your death to devastate me the way it did. It scared me. I needed you, in a way I hadn't felt since I was very small."
"And Booth, tonight. Tonight, when you told me you wanted to give 'us' a chance, and kissed me. You cannot imagine how very much self-control I had to muster to pull away, to tell you the things I did. I'm sorry. What I said was true." Booth's jaw dropped, but before he could say anything Brennan plowed on. "I don't have your open heart. I probably never will. But you…I don't know how, but you got through Booth. And I still stand by my statement, that I am a scientist, not a gambler. And I don't know how to change that. But, being a scientist, I need evidence. Please, Booth. I need proof." Temperance pleaded with him, begging for him to explain why he loved her.