Again I must thank Rascal Flatts for an excellent song that provided the perfect backdrop for yet another songfic. The rights to "Words I Couldn't Say" belong completely to Rascal Flatts, though I'd sure like to own the band themselves. And neither do I own any part of Loveless. This songfic is based ONLY on the anime since I have not yet had the chance to read the manga, so enjoy, everyone!
Soubi stood on his back deck, staring out at the nothingness of the night. There was so much light pollution in the city that it was hard to see the beautiful stars that would normally light up the sky all by themselves. The only thing that stayed constantly in his sight was the ever-luminescent full moon.
Staring at it reminded him of the times he used to spend with Seimei just gazing up at that circled orb of light. The same old twinge hit his heart as he thought of his Sacrifice, but much more than that. Seimei had never just been his Sacrifice. He was his master, his best friend, his heart. He had loved him so unconditionally, and yet he couldn't remember ever having said it.
There had been so many times, so many opportunities, that he had had to tell Seimei how he loved him, wanted only to be with him for the rest of their lives. And yet now he knew that he would never have the chance.
"Soubi!" Kio called from inside. "Come on! I've almost got dinner ready, and gods, am I starving!"
He chuckled to himself as he put out his cigarette and blew out the last bit of smoke from his lips. If only he were Seimei instead…
In a book in a box in the closet
In a line in a song I once heard
In a moment on a front porch late one June
In a breath inside a whisper beneath the moon
Later that night, Soubi was lying in bed, unable to sleep. He had spent the better part of the last few hours staring at the ceiling and then the wall and then the ceiling again. He kept remembering this one instance when he should have confessed everything. It would have been the perfect moment to confess it all to Seimei, and yet once again he had kept his mouth shut.
The two of them had been sitting out in the park under the night sky, both of them completely silent. It was several moments into their internal musings that Soubi wrapped a gentle arm around his friend's shoulders, pulling him closer. This was all he had ever wanted. It was amazing how much happiness he was finding simply holding Seimei in his arms.
"Soubi?" he said with a raised eyebrow.
He shook his head and replied, "Shh. Just let me hold you for a while."
Being used to his Fighter's odd antics by this point, Seimei simply shrugged and leaned further into him. What he didn't know was just how close Soubi was at that point to telling him that he loved him more than his own life, more than the rest of the world. Gods, what he wouldn't have given at that moment to be able to swallow the lump that had arisen in his throat and speak those three eternal words.
Silence. That was the only word that kept coming to Soubi's mind as he lay there restlessly in bed. They had sat there in the complete silence, when he could have broken it with those words he had so longed to say.
There it was at the tip of my fingers
There it was on the tip of my tongue
There you were and I had never been that far
There it was the whole world wrapped inside my arms
And I let it all slip away
Walking down the bustling streets of the city, Soubi tried his hardest to avoid each and every place that reminded him of Seimei. Of course, it wasn't easy. They had gone everywhere together, done everything, seen everything. It would be difficult to find anyplace in the world that they had not been together.
He finally ended up just sitting on a park bench and watching as children too young for school played with their parents, old men and women sat quietly reading or feeding the birds, and young lovers ate their intimate picnics while staring adoringly into each other's eyes. It was this latter that most pained him to watch.
Sure, he had had several offers from many different women and even a few men at the Art Institute he attended, and even though he had taken some of those up on their offers, he knew that none of them would ever compare to Seimei. He would never find anyone in this world, he was sure, that he would love more than he loved Seimei.
Once again a pain hit him hard in his chest as the realization hit home once again. He would never see Seimei again. He would never get to hold him or kiss him…or tell him that he loved him. How hard was it, really, to say that you loved someone?
Just to prove to himself how easy it was, he said it quietly there in the park. "I love you, Seimei," he whispered to himself. "I love you." Damn, but was that so difficult!
What do I do now that you're gone
No back up plan no second chance
And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldn't say
Later that evening, the sky let out with a rain that justly suited Soubi's recent mood. He stood inside, watching out the window as it fell in sheets. Kio had observed how he'd been looking really downcast lately, so he put a hand on his shoulder and said, "Don't worry, Soubi. The weather will turn brighter soon enough. Rain doesn't last forever, you know."
He chuckled again and replied, "You don't understand, Kio. This rain may stop, but the rain inside me doesn't. It won't ever stop again now that Seimei is gone. There's no point in trying to make it."
Kio raised an eyebrow and said, "That's what this is about? Aoyagi Seimei? Soubi, don't you realize that he treated you like you were just his servant? He was your master, and that's all. He treated you like a dog. You can't possibly tell me that you miss having someone to boss you around like that."
The Fighter held in his rage at hearing such a blasphemous statement about his Sacrifice, and he simply took a deep breath and replied, "It doesn't matter how you think he treated me. Seimei was a good friend, and I loved him. Even if he is gone, I'm sure I will always love him. Nothing in the past, present, or future can change that."
He merely shook his head and shrugged, knowing that there was no point in arguing. Soubi was going to feel rotten no matter what, so all he could do was sit there and be quiet and be there for him if he needed.
There's a rain that will never stop falling
There a wall that I tried to take down
What I should have said just wouldn't pass my lips
So I held back and now we've come to this
And it too late now
Soubi waited outside the little middle school in the suburbs for the desired target to come outside. School was out for the day, now, so he knew that he would have at least all afternoon. He crushed his cigarette on the ground when he saw the young lad approaching, and when he walked through the gates, Soubi said, "Ritsuka? Aoyagi Ritsuka?"
The boy turned around and raised an eyebrow at him. Gods, did he ever look just like Seimei! He was even just as beautiful as his older brother had been, with that same inquisitive look. "Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm a friend of Seimei's," he replied simply.
He was astonished when the young boy replied, "Really? Will you come make some memories with me?"
They spent the rest of the day in the park, taking photos of each other. Soubi couldn't remember the last time he had had this much fun with anyone, and he was glad that if he had to be brought out of his shell by someone, it was by Seimei's little brother.
Just before they departed later that evening, he took Ritsuka's face in his hands and said the words that he had never been able to say to Seimei, "I love you, Ritsuka."
What do I do now that your gone
No back up plan no second chance
And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldn't say