Chapter 1: Kōnin

Tokyo, Japan; May 14, 2013; 11:50 A.M.

Jean-Paul took Sousuke into his arms. He lightly kissed his neck.

Sousuke: Oh, Jean-Paul, I don't care if you're half-French. To me, you are the most beautiful man in all of Japan.

Jean-Paul: Please, don't take. Save your mouth for my…

The telephone rang. Hikari Yoshin rolled her eyes and walked away from her doujin script. She answered her telephone.

"Hello?" answered Hikari. While she enjoyed talking, she despised being interrupted while writing her doujinshi, especially during the sex scenes.

"Oneeeeeeeeeeee-chan!" screamed Hikari's little sister, Yutaka. "Happy Birthday!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

"What's wrong? Are you hung over?" asked Yutaka, overly dotingly. "Geez, you turned twenty, like, twelve hours ago and you already got wasted? For shame, onee-chan, for shame."

"I'm not hung over! It's just…you know it's my time."

"Time of the day or time of the month?"

"Day, Yutaka, day. I have to make a living somehow, you know!" exclaimed Hikari. Everyone in Hikari's family knew that from 11:00 to 2:00, Hikari was writing her doujinshi.

"Well, I guess you're right. If I don't let you make your porn, you can't sell them at that convention with the cosplayers and the furries," she said, sarcastically. "Geez, why can't you just get married already? Mom really wants grandchildren, you know! And we both know Haruhi won't deliver!"

"Okay, one: just because Haruhiko got a sex change doesn't mean he won't still have kids, and two: I just turned twenty! Is mom already trying to get babies out of me?" exclaimed Hikari.

"Well twenty plus five is…?" asked Yutaka.

"…Twenty-five," said Hikari, knowing what was going to happen next.

"Twenty-five! That's right!" said Yutaka. "And you know what happens to women when they become twenty-five!"

"Good-bye, Yutaka," said Hikari, flatly. "I hope you get over that break-up soon."

"OH MY GOD, HE LEFT ME! ISAO-KUN!" cried Yutaka.

Hikari hung up on her little sister. She rolled her eyes again and walked back to her doujin script. She found her place and began writing.

…fresh pastries.

"…Crapcakes." Hikari walked away from her script. She walked over to her apartment's balcony to get fresh air. Taking off her glasses, she rubbed her temples and took a deep breath. "Dammit, how am I supposed to write my hentai when my mother is breathing down my neck. I moved out five weeks ago and she's just…"

"Hey!" screamed her upstair-neighbor. "We're trying to have balcony-sex up here! You're ruining the mood!"

"I hope you fall!" screamed Hikari. Hikari walked back inside her apartment. She then walked back onto her balcony. "Unless, of course, you let me join…"

"For the last time, no!"

"Fall, damn you! Fall!"

Hikari quickly got dressed and walked out of her apartment. Walking into the McDonald's next door, she ordered all American food she could pronounce. She took her food to a table outside and stuffed her face with the American swill.

"Stupid mom," she said, inserting a nugget into her mouth. "Stupid Christmas Cakes," she mumbled as she drank her expensive tap water. "Stupid Yutaka, stupid…"

As she continued angrily eating, something hard and rectangular fell onto her head. Her food sprayed from her mouth, landing on several Gothic Lolitas passing by. She rubbed her head, feeling a rather large bump.

"What the Hell?" Hikari screamed. Everyone around her stared at the very loud and rude woman screaming profanity on Japanese soil. Hikari then smiled nervously and grabbed the object that fell on her head. She then ran away from the McDonald's and into her apartment.

Humiliated by the incident, Hikari jumped onto her futon and sighed heavily. She kicked her own head several times with her amazingly flexible legs. Hikari remembered that her mother always told her that her flexible legs did not make up for her lack-of breasts, which made her kick herself harder.

"Well, this is already more fun than my last guy, and you haven't killed anyone yet!"

Hikari jolted up from her futon. She looked around her room, trying to find the person who said she was interesting. "Who said that?"

"Oh, just Ryuk."

A grotesque and somewhat hilarious looking monster fell from Hikari's ceiling. Hikari remained deadpan. The monster was humanoid, but with a head that looked like it was sewn onto its black leather jumpsuit. Hikari did not move a muscle. It had a very large, gaping smile on its face, with a mouth filled with pure white teeth. Hikari did not bat an eyelash.

"You seem to be taking this well," it said, cocking its head to the side. "Then again, my last guy didn't make as big a fuss as I had wanted, either."

Hikari opened her mouth.

"…FFFFUUUUUUU…"

Notes:

Kōnin: Successor

Hikari: Light. Yoshin is an alternate reading of the kanji in Yagami.

Doujin/Doujinshi: Unprofessionally produced manga, mostly porn/hentai. CLAMP started out as Doujin artists. You can tell.

Onee-chan: Older sister.

Yutaka is an alternate reading to one of the kanji in Sayu's name.

In Japan, the drinking age is 20. Lucky douches.

Up until recently, twenty-five was the age women were considered undesirable. She was known as a "Christmas Cake" as no one wants to eat one after December 25. Geddit?

Gothic Lolita: a fashion movement where the wearers dress like Victorian dolls. Very conservative, very cut-throat.