Title: Illusions Series Part 3: From Within
By: Sharon Doyle
Started: 28th February 2002
Finished: 14th March 2002
Disclaimer: Not mine, as usual!
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG
Summary: It's crunch time for Tess as she faces a new challenge.
Author's Notes: To the wonderfully talented Penny. My dear friend. Thank you for everything, your feedback, your encouragement and your chats. And to everyone else for the feedback.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I'm pacing, I know I am, up and down Marlow Road in St David's, but it's impossible for me to stop. There's nothing to look at, not that I am noticing anything new today. My coppers instinct has deserted me. I know I'll have to walk in there soon. I can just imagine the reception back at the station if I didn't.
It's 10.15 am, my appointment is for 10.30. Yeah I know I'm early, that's normal for me. As a kid, I was always late for things because my mother was never organised enough to be on time. Or sober enough!
There's a woman leaving the office now, I can't help but look at her tear stained face. I wonder about the sort of people that come to see these Drs. Do they look normal? Or have the traumas in their lives in some way manifested to make them look different?
If someone has left I guess that means it's my turn. Unless of course they're running late, which is normal for professional people. I really don't want to do this. Therapy really isn't my scene.
What is my scene?
I've asked myself this question a thousand times lately.
Can I have it all?
A career.
A family.
Happiness.
Will my life finally come together enough to bring me complete satisfaction?
And I guess this is one of the reasons that I am here. The Boss is the main reason, him and the Collins suicide a few weeks ago. It's crazy really, from the moment I knew I was going into "therapy" I've started to analyse everything about my life. Now, I thought I was supposed to be doing that whilst with the therapist, not before I'd even walked into her room. I guess in a way it could be called normal though. You start to wonder the sorts of things she will ask. Will she even ask questions or am I expected to just open up?
Now that would be a biggie for me. I don't open up to easily to people. Evan seems to have found a way to get me to talk though. I tell him things without even realising it, and then wonder why the hell I did it. Maybe he should be my therapist. Now that's a funny thought. Evan Jones, therapist!
As I walk up to the plain brown door, my stomach in knots, I yearn to turn around and head straight back to Mt Thomas. But I won't. I'm Tess Gallagher and I've never let anything defeat me. Not even an abusive neglected childhood. Nothing!
"Tess Gallagher."
That's her, the therapist calling my name. Nothing much to look at, ordinary really. Brown hair, brown eyes, medium build and height. I stand and walk towards her a nervous smile on my face. As I enter her room, I note all the books lining the bookshelves; her diplomas are framed and adorn the wall. It's professional looking, that's a positive start, I couldn't stand anything shonky.
"Tess, take a seat," she motions the comfortable looking armchair next to her desk. "I'm Jackie Tyler."
"Tess…"
I shake myself from my momentary daze. Her name shook me. It wasn't something I expected. I'd only ever heard of her as Dr Tyler.
"Was it something I said?" Jackie asks.
"No, umm, I… your name, it just threw me for a sec, that's all."
"My name, Jackie? It has some meaning for you I take it. Would you like to talk about that or would we be better starting at the beginning?"
The beginning?
Jack?
Where to start?
"I'll start by going back to work I think," I laugh nervously as the words leave my mouth.
Jackie frowns but remains silent.
The beginning it is.
It's never been easy living my life. I don't think I can ever remember feeling completely at ease. I never had the idyllic childhood you so often hear or read about. I thought I had put the past behind me but lately, having had Hayley living with me, I can't help but remember.
The past is something we all have to confront at some stage in our lives. In order to move on and live a fulfilling future, it's something I know I have to do.
My career has always been something I relished. A way of proving my worth. A way of telling the world that I am not my mother. I am not my father. I am me, Tess Gallagher. It was a way of proving that the sins of the parents do not reflect on the child. That a neglected child can become successful.
But at what cost?
I hate to ask myself this now, but I have to.
Has being successful, burying myself in study then work meant that I have pushed anyone away who ever tried to get close to me, ruined any chance I've ever had at happiness?
"Tell me about your parents Tess."
She's straight to the point and I cringe under her intense stare.
I tell her that my mother was an uncaring, violent alcoholic. That my father was a drug addict who was just never there. Hayley knows of course, it's common ground for us. But I've never really said it aloud to anyone else. Hinted at it to Evan but no, never really admitted it. I've always been too afraid, too ashamed to admit to my childhood. Some kids bury themselves in an ideal world; make excuses for their parent's inadequacies.
Not me!
I knew what my parents were; I also knew what they should have been.
They were never there for me. It wasn't just the fact that there was never a meal on the table at the end of the day, kids need food for nourishment, that's a fact. What is more important though, is love. Other parents went to school assemblies, sports days and excursions, mine didn't. I remember scanning the assembled sea of faces at my first kindy concert. They weren't there. I told myself it didn't matter; there would be another time. Of course there was another time and again I looked and looked to no avail. After that I gave up looking, gave up hoping. By the time I was eight, when my father walked out I knew what my parents were.
I haven't seen my father since that day. I don't even know if he is alive.
"And does that bother you?"
Shit! Her questions really hit hard.
Does it bother me? Not knowing doesn't bother me. It's sort of hard to explain. It's not that I want to know him, what I want is a different story, a different father, and then perhaps I would care. It's not the fact that I don't know "my" father, it's that I don't know "a" father. A decent, kind, caring and loving father, the type of father every kid should have. A father that would have been there to play footy in the backyard, help me climb trees, watch me graduate from high school, quiz any potential boyfriends I bought home and of course hold my precious child, his grandchild, in his arms. A father that would have given me a happy childhood and a future to look forward to.
"What about your mother Tess?"
More of the same really. I know where she is, but we don't keep in touch. She hasn't changed, she never will. Alcohol is too important to her. I know it's a drug, I know it's an addiction but she did have a choice. She could have chosen us over alcohol. But she didn't. Her choice was to wallow each day in a drunken stupor, not bothering to make sure we got to school okay. Not bothering to make sure we had food in our lunchboxes. Not bothering to love us. By the time the littlies went to school I did it all for them. I became their mother, but nobody did it for me.
"Do you resent your siblings for that?"
For what? For me doing everything for them, taking the place of their mother? God no! I loved them with my whole being, still do. They're great kids, doing really well too. Kate is at uni; she wants to be a vet. The boys have set up their own landscaping business together. They've put the past behind them; well, they seem to have anyway. They were luckier than me; I did what I could for them to make up for what they didn't have. I don't regret doing what I did, they needed me. But I do hate my parents more for putting me in that position. Making me grow up more quickly than I ever should have.
I have a foster daughter, Hayley. She'll be thirteen next week. Her story is pretty much the same as mine. Alcoholic mother with a multitude of boyfriends. Hayley tried to go back, tried to do the right thing, but thankfully she realized that she doesn't have to. I will make her life happy; give her what every child deserves. Unconditional love.
Hayley is one of the reasons I am sitting here.
"In what way Tess?"
Hayley deserves more than life has thrown her way. I can give her what she needs but I need to let go of my past to do it properly. I need to love her for the right reasons not just because I need to right past wrongs. I do love her with all my heart. To start off with she had my sympathy and concerns. I went against protocol at work on a few occasions to help her. As our relationship grew, so did our love for each other. It was so much easier for me than any other relationship I've had. I wanted to nurture her, love her and be loved in return. I needed Hayley, like she needed me.
"And your other relationships, why were they more difficult?"
There haven't been many. The odd fling. I had a serious relationship my second year at uni. But I had trust issues so we split. There hadn't been anyone else till Jack.
"You loved Jack?"
Yes! Well, I thought so, at the time. Now, well I guess so much has happened and it alters things. It changes my perspective, the way I look at our relationship, wondering whether it really was love or just an infatuation. Was I was just caught up in the heat of the moment? A sudden lapse of sanity.
It took a long time for us to be together. He was my colleague at work, a forbidden secret. I didn't want it to happen, never expected to fall in love with someone at work. But it did. We weren't really together that long. Our relationship had been brewing for a while. The odd kiss here, a secret touch there. But in reality we were only together a few days.
"What happened Tess?"
He betrayed me.
Like everyone else in my life, he left.
What is it about me that makes people walk away so easily?
Am I that unlovable?
I know I have barriers up, I know I find it hard to be affectionate, to show that I care. Jack knew though, he knew that what we had was so good, could have been even better given time. You would have read about Jack, I'm sure. It was plastered in all the papers. Headlines like copper turns to murder, sells papers.
Deep in my heart I know it wasn't my fault he did what he did. I know he was on a downward spiral, I can see that now, but I didn't at the time. I was blinded by love, by our passion for each other. It was a passionate relationship, one that had to be a secret, still is. My life seems to be full of secrets. My mother and father, Jack. Skeletons in the closet. And there they will remain.
"What about Evan Tess?"
Yeah, what about him?
"You have mentioned that you share things with him. You must be close."
Evan is a hard one. I don't intentionally share anything with him. It just happens. I've been a master at hiding behind walls for so many years. No one could get close to me, unless I allowed them to. No one except Evan. Maybe it was that he came along when I was vulnerable. Jack had just gone, I felt used and betrayed. He showed an interest in me, made me feel special. We connected immediately. We're friends though, that's all. Good friends.
I don't really know what to say about him; don't know what you want me to say. I've only known Evan six months or so, he's like Jack in so many ways, yet in others, no, I'd say they're nothing alike. I don't know why Evan and I get on so well, we're not at all similar. Other than the fact that we've both had family troubles that is. He's a guy that doesn't give a stuff about the rules whereas I live my life by a strict set of rules. Rules I rarely break and when I do, I regret it instantly.
We do spend quite a bit of time together away from work. Hayley likes him, she often asks to spend time with him. Maybe he represents the final part of the perfect family for her.
"And for you?"
Umm…no. Least I don't think so. I've never thought of it like that before. I enjoy his company. Socially anyway. At work he can be a complete pain in the arse. He always questions my judgment, is forever going off half- cocked. For a rookie constable he's bloody sure of himself. More so than I've ever been of myself. But as for thinking he's one part of the "perfect family", no I really don't think so.
He said some things a few weeks ago; I thought they were heat of the moment comments. Maybe they weren't, maybe I need to take him a little more seriously.
I guess I like the fact that he treats me like a woman. Someone desirable. There's nothing wrong with that. I know it's not really me, not the real Tess Gallagher. But it's a part of me that is coming to the fore more often.
"Who is the real Tess Gallagher?"
I say it's not the real me but in a way I guess it is. The Tess Gallagher that hides behind walls and shies away from people isn't a person I particularly like. I do prefer the new me, the me that can actually have a relationship with another human being.
It's more painful being the new me, I get hurt more easily. That's what comes from opening up, breaking down those barriers. When Jack went I cried more than I have since I was a little girl. Hayley's mother was released from jail recently and when Hayley returned to be with her I cried again. I can't describe the pain of losing her. But she's back now.
"Is the new Tess here to stay?"
I think so. For Hayley's sake I hope so.
"What about for your sake Tess?"
Yes, I hope so. I like being human. I realize now that in a way I had become almost as bad as my parents. They had shut out the real world by way of booze and drugs. I had too, by putting up barriers. The difference being they were hurting innocent children, I was hurting only myself.
"Tess, what do you want for yourself?"
I want it all.
Everything I've never had.
A family, a real loving, caring family.
I want my career too. It's still so important to me but…things have changed, I've changed.
I want honesty in my relationships. I want to be able to trust someone enough to fall in love completely.
Am I being selfish? Wanting all that and more. Is it even possible to be that happy? Other people seem to have it all but I wonder sometimes, is it all a façade.
Basically, I just want to be happy with who I am. Be comfortable in my own skin.
"That's good Tess. Now, I hate to cut you short, you've done really well today…"
Shit! Now I feel like a little kid at school. She sounds so condescending. I don't suppose she means to, but that's the way it's come across.
Bloody hell, she wants me to make another appointment.
"Thanks Jackie, I'll give you a call when I know my roster."
I'm confused with my thoughts and feelings. She 'was' easy to talk to, yet I still don't want to go back. I feel like I don't really 'need' to come back.
Automatically I walk toward my car, clicking the remote as I near the vehicle. I check my mobile – 3 missed calls. All of them from the station. Typical, away for a few hours and all hell breaks loose.
"Hi, Evan, it's Tess…yeah went okay…yes she was nice…I'm fine…don't worry …just let the boss know I'm leaving St David's now…yeah okay, we'll talk later…I'm sure I'm fine…now I have to go. See ya soon!"
Well, I guess that's it.
Back to work.
By: Sharon Doyle
Started: 28th February 2002
Finished: 14th March 2002
Disclaimer: Not mine, as usual!
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG
Summary: It's crunch time for Tess as she faces a new challenge.
Author's Notes: To the wonderfully talented Penny. My dear friend. Thank you for everything, your feedback, your encouragement and your chats. And to everyone else for the feedback.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I'm pacing, I know I am, up and down Marlow Road in St David's, but it's impossible for me to stop. There's nothing to look at, not that I am noticing anything new today. My coppers instinct has deserted me. I know I'll have to walk in there soon. I can just imagine the reception back at the station if I didn't.
It's 10.15 am, my appointment is for 10.30. Yeah I know I'm early, that's normal for me. As a kid, I was always late for things because my mother was never organised enough to be on time. Or sober enough!
There's a woman leaving the office now, I can't help but look at her tear stained face. I wonder about the sort of people that come to see these Drs. Do they look normal? Or have the traumas in their lives in some way manifested to make them look different?
If someone has left I guess that means it's my turn. Unless of course they're running late, which is normal for professional people. I really don't want to do this. Therapy really isn't my scene.
What is my scene?
I've asked myself this question a thousand times lately.
Can I have it all?
A career.
A family.
Happiness.
Will my life finally come together enough to bring me complete satisfaction?
And I guess this is one of the reasons that I am here. The Boss is the main reason, him and the Collins suicide a few weeks ago. It's crazy really, from the moment I knew I was going into "therapy" I've started to analyse everything about my life. Now, I thought I was supposed to be doing that whilst with the therapist, not before I'd even walked into her room. I guess in a way it could be called normal though. You start to wonder the sorts of things she will ask. Will she even ask questions or am I expected to just open up?
Now that would be a biggie for me. I don't open up to easily to people. Evan seems to have found a way to get me to talk though. I tell him things without even realising it, and then wonder why the hell I did it. Maybe he should be my therapist. Now that's a funny thought. Evan Jones, therapist!
As I walk up to the plain brown door, my stomach in knots, I yearn to turn around and head straight back to Mt Thomas. But I won't. I'm Tess Gallagher and I've never let anything defeat me. Not even an abusive neglected childhood. Nothing!
"Tess Gallagher."
That's her, the therapist calling my name. Nothing much to look at, ordinary really. Brown hair, brown eyes, medium build and height. I stand and walk towards her a nervous smile on my face. As I enter her room, I note all the books lining the bookshelves; her diplomas are framed and adorn the wall. It's professional looking, that's a positive start, I couldn't stand anything shonky.
"Tess, take a seat," she motions the comfortable looking armchair next to her desk. "I'm Jackie Tyler."
"Tess…"
I shake myself from my momentary daze. Her name shook me. It wasn't something I expected. I'd only ever heard of her as Dr Tyler.
"Was it something I said?" Jackie asks.
"No, umm, I… your name, it just threw me for a sec, that's all."
"My name, Jackie? It has some meaning for you I take it. Would you like to talk about that or would we be better starting at the beginning?"
The beginning?
Jack?
Where to start?
"I'll start by going back to work I think," I laugh nervously as the words leave my mouth.
Jackie frowns but remains silent.
The beginning it is.
It's never been easy living my life. I don't think I can ever remember feeling completely at ease. I never had the idyllic childhood you so often hear or read about. I thought I had put the past behind me but lately, having had Hayley living with me, I can't help but remember.
The past is something we all have to confront at some stage in our lives. In order to move on and live a fulfilling future, it's something I know I have to do.
My career has always been something I relished. A way of proving my worth. A way of telling the world that I am not my mother. I am not my father. I am me, Tess Gallagher. It was a way of proving that the sins of the parents do not reflect on the child. That a neglected child can become successful.
But at what cost?
I hate to ask myself this now, but I have to.
Has being successful, burying myself in study then work meant that I have pushed anyone away who ever tried to get close to me, ruined any chance I've ever had at happiness?
"Tell me about your parents Tess."
She's straight to the point and I cringe under her intense stare.
I tell her that my mother was an uncaring, violent alcoholic. That my father was a drug addict who was just never there. Hayley knows of course, it's common ground for us. But I've never really said it aloud to anyone else. Hinted at it to Evan but no, never really admitted it. I've always been too afraid, too ashamed to admit to my childhood. Some kids bury themselves in an ideal world; make excuses for their parent's inadequacies.
Not me!
I knew what my parents were; I also knew what they should have been.
They were never there for me. It wasn't just the fact that there was never a meal on the table at the end of the day, kids need food for nourishment, that's a fact. What is more important though, is love. Other parents went to school assemblies, sports days and excursions, mine didn't. I remember scanning the assembled sea of faces at my first kindy concert. They weren't there. I told myself it didn't matter; there would be another time. Of course there was another time and again I looked and looked to no avail. After that I gave up looking, gave up hoping. By the time I was eight, when my father walked out I knew what my parents were.
I haven't seen my father since that day. I don't even know if he is alive.
"And does that bother you?"
Shit! Her questions really hit hard.
Does it bother me? Not knowing doesn't bother me. It's sort of hard to explain. It's not that I want to know him, what I want is a different story, a different father, and then perhaps I would care. It's not the fact that I don't know "my" father, it's that I don't know "a" father. A decent, kind, caring and loving father, the type of father every kid should have. A father that would have been there to play footy in the backyard, help me climb trees, watch me graduate from high school, quiz any potential boyfriends I bought home and of course hold my precious child, his grandchild, in his arms. A father that would have given me a happy childhood and a future to look forward to.
"What about your mother Tess?"
More of the same really. I know where she is, but we don't keep in touch. She hasn't changed, she never will. Alcohol is too important to her. I know it's a drug, I know it's an addiction but she did have a choice. She could have chosen us over alcohol. But she didn't. Her choice was to wallow each day in a drunken stupor, not bothering to make sure we got to school okay. Not bothering to make sure we had food in our lunchboxes. Not bothering to love us. By the time the littlies went to school I did it all for them. I became their mother, but nobody did it for me.
"Do you resent your siblings for that?"
For what? For me doing everything for them, taking the place of their mother? God no! I loved them with my whole being, still do. They're great kids, doing really well too. Kate is at uni; she wants to be a vet. The boys have set up their own landscaping business together. They've put the past behind them; well, they seem to have anyway. They were luckier than me; I did what I could for them to make up for what they didn't have. I don't regret doing what I did, they needed me. But I do hate my parents more for putting me in that position. Making me grow up more quickly than I ever should have.
I have a foster daughter, Hayley. She'll be thirteen next week. Her story is pretty much the same as mine. Alcoholic mother with a multitude of boyfriends. Hayley tried to go back, tried to do the right thing, but thankfully she realized that she doesn't have to. I will make her life happy; give her what every child deserves. Unconditional love.
Hayley is one of the reasons I am sitting here.
"In what way Tess?"
Hayley deserves more than life has thrown her way. I can give her what she needs but I need to let go of my past to do it properly. I need to love her for the right reasons not just because I need to right past wrongs. I do love her with all my heart. To start off with she had my sympathy and concerns. I went against protocol at work on a few occasions to help her. As our relationship grew, so did our love for each other. It was so much easier for me than any other relationship I've had. I wanted to nurture her, love her and be loved in return. I needed Hayley, like she needed me.
"And your other relationships, why were they more difficult?"
There haven't been many. The odd fling. I had a serious relationship my second year at uni. But I had trust issues so we split. There hadn't been anyone else till Jack.
"You loved Jack?"
Yes! Well, I thought so, at the time. Now, well I guess so much has happened and it alters things. It changes my perspective, the way I look at our relationship, wondering whether it really was love or just an infatuation. Was I was just caught up in the heat of the moment? A sudden lapse of sanity.
It took a long time for us to be together. He was my colleague at work, a forbidden secret. I didn't want it to happen, never expected to fall in love with someone at work. But it did. We weren't really together that long. Our relationship had been brewing for a while. The odd kiss here, a secret touch there. But in reality we were only together a few days.
"What happened Tess?"
He betrayed me.
Like everyone else in my life, he left.
What is it about me that makes people walk away so easily?
Am I that unlovable?
I know I have barriers up, I know I find it hard to be affectionate, to show that I care. Jack knew though, he knew that what we had was so good, could have been even better given time. You would have read about Jack, I'm sure. It was plastered in all the papers. Headlines like copper turns to murder, sells papers.
Deep in my heart I know it wasn't my fault he did what he did. I know he was on a downward spiral, I can see that now, but I didn't at the time. I was blinded by love, by our passion for each other. It was a passionate relationship, one that had to be a secret, still is. My life seems to be full of secrets. My mother and father, Jack. Skeletons in the closet. And there they will remain.
"What about Evan Tess?"
Yeah, what about him?
"You have mentioned that you share things with him. You must be close."
Evan is a hard one. I don't intentionally share anything with him. It just happens. I've been a master at hiding behind walls for so many years. No one could get close to me, unless I allowed them to. No one except Evan. Maybe it was that he came along when I was vulnerable. Jack had just gone, I felt used and betrayed. He showed an interest in me, made me feel special. We connected immediately. We're friends though, that's all. Good friends.
I don't really know what to say about him; don't know what you want me to say. I've only known Evan six months or so, he's like Jack in so many ways, yet in others, no, I'd say they're nothing alike. I don't know why Evan and I get on so well, we're not at all similar. Other than the fact that we've both had family troubles that is. He's a guy that doesn't give a stuff about the rules whereas I live my life by a strict set of rules. Rules I rarely break and when I do, I regret it instantly.
We do spend quite a bit of time together away from work. Hayley likes him, she often asks to spend time with him. Maybe he represents the final part of the perfect family for her.
"And for you?"
Umm…no. Least I don't think so. I've never thought of it like that before. I enjoy his company. Socially anyway. At work he can be a complete pain in the arse. He always questions my judgment, is forever going off half- cocked. For a rookie constable he's bloody sure of himself. More so than I've ever been of myself. But as for thinking he's one part of the "perfect family", no I really don't think so.
He said some things a few weeks ago; I thought they were heat of the moment comments. Maybe they weren't, maybe I need to take him a little more seriously.
I guess I like the fact that he treats me like a woman. Someone desirable. There's nothing wrong with that. I know it's not really me, not the real Tess Gallagher. But it's a part of me that is coming to the fore more often.
"Who is the real Tess Gallagher?"
I say it's not the real me but in a way I guess it is. The Tess Gallagher that hides behind walls and shies away from people isn't a person I particularly like. I do prefer the new me, the me that can actually have a relationship with another human being.
It's more painful being the new me, I get hurt more easily. That's what comes from opening up, breaking down those barriers. When Jack went I cried more than I have since I was a little girl. Hayley's mother was released from jail recently and when Hayley returned to be with her I cried again. I can't describe the pain of losing her. But she's back now.
"Is the new Tess here to stay?"
I think so. For Hayley's sake I hope so.
"What about for your sake Tess?"
Yes, I hope so. I like being human. I realize now that in a way I had become almost as bad as my parents. They had shut out the real world by way of booze and drugs. I had too, by putting up barriers. The difference being they were hurting innocent children, I was hurting only myself.
"Tess, what do you want for yourself?"
I want it all.
Everything I've never had.
A family, a real loving, caring family.
I want my career too. It's still so important to me but…things have changed, I've changed.
I want honesty in my relationships. I want to be able to trust someone enough to fall in love completely.
Am I being selfish? Wanting all that and more. Is it even possible to be that happy? Other people seem to have it all but I wonder sometimes, is it all a façade.
Basically, I just want to be happy with who I am. Be comfortable in my own skin.
"That's good Tess. Now, I hate to cut you short, you've done really well today…"
Shit! Now I feel like a little kid at school. She sounds so condescending. I don't suppose she means to, but that's the way it's come across.
Bloody hell, she wants me to make another appointment.
"Thanks Jackie, I'll give you a call when I know my roster."
I'm confused with my thoughts and feelings. She 'was' easy to talk to, yet I still don't want to go back. I feel like I don't really 'need' to come back.
Automatically I walk toward my car, clicking the remote as I near the vehicle. I check my mobile – 3 missed calls. All of them from the station. Typical, away for a few hours and all hell breaks loose.
"Hi, Evan, it's Tess…yeah went okay…yes she was nice…I'm fine…don't worry …just let the boss know I'm leaving St David's now…yeah okay, we'll talk later…I'm sure I'm fine…now I have to go. See ya soon!"
Well, I guess that's it.
Back to work.