Spencer Reid unlocked the door to his apartment and walked in laying his gun and badge down on the table by the door; he took his messenger bag off and placed it on the floor by the table. Spencer realized that even in his own home he still felt uncomfortable after what he had gone through with Henkel. He felt scared and insecure. However, he knew that he would hide it from the team to the best of his ability; he didn't want them to worry about him. He didn't want them to think that he was weaker than they already thought him to be.
He still remembered when his team had found him in that shack, scared, slightly beaten, and drugged nearly out of his mind. He had convinced the doctors that he would be fine and had come home with the rest of the team; hiding the fact that he knew he was an addict. Hiding the information that he didn't know how he was going to be able to continue with this all encompassing fear that somehow, someone else was going to do the same thing to him now that Henkel was gone. A trepidation that everyone was going to either blame him or treat him like a child, the one thing he knew for sure was that everyone was going to be keeping an eye on their "Resident genius," "Why did Henkel have to take me? I know that most people would consider me to be the bigger threat, but I'm the weakest person on the team!" Spencer thought to himself angrily as memories passed through his mind, a sharp pain as something struck him in the back of the head, waking up in the shack with Henkel telling him that he was a sinner and needed to repent, Henkel seeming afraid and injecting him with dilaudid make him "Feel better." Then Henkel no longer afraid hitting the bottoms of his feet with a piece of wood in order to get him to "Repent," and lastly the stench of fish hearts on the stove supposedly warding off the devil.
When Spencer walked into his bedroom he started to feel like someone was watching him. Looking around wildly he couldn't find them. "Why won't they just leave me alone?" He went over to the windows and closed the curtains and got on the bed, huddled against the headrest in fetal position. Sadly, while he was sitting there he started to have a flashback about what had happened while he was in that shack out in the middle of nowhere. He could smell the stink of Henkel cooking the fish hearts to ward off the devil. He was once again experiencing the terror he felt as Henkel drugged him. An immense terror which was followed with a sort of numbness that he wasn't sure was better than the terror. Spencer was now trembling. He was terrified and falling to pieces. He knew it was only a matter of time before either the team found out and sent him to a mental hospital or he had a nervous breakdown. "Why, why does it have to be me? Why does the bad stuff always seem to happen to me?"
As Spencer started crying he knew that something had to be done. He didn't want to be scared forever. He also didn't want to be addicted anymore, and he wanted to be able to prove to himself that he could rise above what had happened that he belonged in the BAU (Behavioral Analysis Unit). He just needed some help. Help that he didn't know how to get but knew that if he didn't get it he would end up just like his mother, in a mental institute not in control of anything about him. He had tried so hard to rise above this and now it seemed like it was all in vain; he would end up there anyway. In the one place that he had tried so hard to prove, he had failed in. He would end up going to a mental institution, unable to rise above the one thing he had been striving for his entire life. Ever since he had realized exactly what was wrong with his mom, and that it was genetic, he knew that he would be at risk and was petrified that he would end up just like her. And now it seemed that he would, despite all that he had done.
While Spencer's tears gradually slowed as he started to fall asleep, he knew that something needed to be done and hoped that someone would realize what was going on with him and help him, otherwise he didn't know what would happen but he did know that it wouldn't be good. He hoped that he wouldn't let Hotch and Gideon down. Gideon had been his father figure since he first came to the FBI, and Hotch had gone out on a limb many times before because of his ideas. He knew that there was very little he could do about this on his own, but he didn't think that he could live if he let down these two people, both role models in their own rights. He didn't even want to think about letting down the whole team. As the last tendrils of consciousness left him, he hoped that the team could help him through this and that they wouldn't be disappointed in him. Part of him knew that they wouldn't but the other part of him, the more cynical part that sounded like Henkel was saying that of course they would be, it was impossible for them not to be. Hoping that the first voice was right, and that he wasn't going crazy for hearing voices, he finally surrendered to sleep, praying that he wouldn't have any nightmares.