A "Ducks in a Row" prequel story.

In any serious relationship there comes a time when you have to meet the parents. When Celeste meets the Mallards the word "awkward" gets redefined and we discover why Victoria Mallard judges a woman by her underwear…

Pairing: Donald "Ducky" Mallard and Celeste Porter (Original Character)

Disclaimer: I claim no ownership of Ducky or anything related to NCIS. Celeste Porter, however, is my original character.

Special thanks to Aunt Kitty for keeping me honest, keeping me at it and keeping me laughing!

Parents, Panties and Propriety:

Miss Porter's Rules of Behaviour in Polite Society

(Or: Celeste Discovers Victoria's Secret)

by Tallis 224

London, April 1971

First Rule: If one must be fashionably late, one should have a damn good reason.

"You look fine, Celeste. Beautiful. Adorable. All the things you usually are. I just wish the skirt were a bit shorter."

I sigh as I apply my mascara. Ducky is all but leering at me. I don't need that right now. I'm edgy enough without being reduced to a sex object. Being a love-toy at the appropriate time is one thing, but at the moment, I'm a mess.

"Put 'em back in their sockets, Mallard. I've been agonizing over everything all day and I don't need to…" he comes up behind me and starts kissing the back of my neck "…be distracted." I pick up my hairbrush and swat his rump with a very impressive backswing.

"Ouch! Not fair, Love! And give me some credit. I know how nervous you've been about this since I told you my parents were coming down to London for a visit."

Nervous doesn't begin to describe how I've felt. I managed to avoid meeting them at Christmas because they had booked some villa in Spain and Ducky had to work the entire holiday at St. Margaret Mercy emergency care. I ended up flying home for a week (reluctantly).

I turn around to face him. "They won't like me. I know it." I let him take me into a comforting embrace. "First of all, I'm American and secondly, I come from a distinctly middle-class background. Oh and there's that other little thing about me being eighteen and you being thirty. That could be a potential bone of contention. Though less so for your parents, I suppose, than for mine." I perch my chin on his shoulder as he gently kneads my tense spine with his gifted hands. A tiny moan escapes me, then a sigh as I relax a bit. He can do that all night as far as I'm concerned.

"I love you," he says softly. "How can they possibly feel otherwise? They will love you, darling. I know it." He kisses me warmly, the passion just slightly more controlled than our usual osculation.

I finally pull away, smiling. "Oh dear. I seem to have smudged your lipstick." I hand him a tissue.

"Very funny." He wipes away the evidence of our kiss as I re-apply my make-up.

"You're nervous too. Don't deny it." I hold my earrings up to the light before putting them on. They are red crystals that dangle in a cluster of three hearts. My Valentine's gift from Ducky. The facets sparkle in the light like little flames. I love these earrings. They are something I would have chosen for myself, and Ducky knows me well enough to choose exactly the right thing. He is amazing. Almost perfect. Except when he is trying valiantly to distract me, as he is now…by kissing the back of my neck.

I scoot away, giving him a moderately dirty look. "And why would you want me to wear a shorter skirt? This one is plenty short enough to give them the wrong impression. Granted, it's the style these days, and I really tried to find something a little more conservative, but everything longer made me look about sixty years old."

He gazes at me affectionately. "I wasn't really thinking about what they want to see. Just what I'd like to see. And believe me, Celeste, in my carefully considered, most professional medical opinion, you have outstanding legs."

"You have the most one track mind sometimes."

"And you are almost unfailing in your ability to de-rail it." He hugs me again, giving my backside a lingering squeeze. "Mmmm…are you wearing the matching red bra and bikini knickers? I like those…"

"Not surprising since you picked them out." I sigh my most long-suffering sigh. "We really should get going, Ducky. I'd hate to be late."

"There is nothing wrong with being fashionably late, Celeste. We were invited to meet them. It is expected that they arrive first and then we arrive later to join them."

"More of your Rules for Proper Behavior in Polite Society? I will never get used to this. At home we just show up and start eating. Eating is very important in Lutheran culture. So is coffee."

"Well," he replies, "we both have a lot to learn, then." He gives me a peck on the cheek. "Shall I get your coat?"

I take a deep breath. "Thank you. Yes. I think I'm ready."

"Remember," he says as he helps me into my raincoat, "don't call me 'Ducky' in front of them. They hate it. It's either 'Donald' or 'Donnie.'"

I smile indulgently. "Yes, Sweets. No 'Ducky.' I also promise to refrain from mentioning your amazing ability to give…"

"Celeste!" He cuts me off, giving a warning look.

"…wonderful massages?" I grin guilelessly.

"Oh." He slips his arm around me as we head out the door to make the three block walk from my flat to the Martinside, one of London's most elegant restaurants. I notice the tension in his muscles, belying his easy smile.

"You really are nervous, aren't you?" I fuss with his soft blond hair – hair he's let grow longer since we met in September. He's been off active duty with the British Army Medical Corps for a year and he could easily pass as a very handsome civilian now. "We make quite a pair, don't we? Nervous Nellie, meet Nervous Nestor."

He smiles. "We may be nervous, but I think we make quite a pair anyway. Without the pressures of this dinner and all, I mean. We really have something quite – wonderful – together."

He never fails to say just the right thing to turn me into a melted popsicle. "We really do have something special, Ducky. We're as close to the perfect couple as anyone I know." I brush my fingers against his cheek and smile. "Of course it helps that I'm madly in love with you." I swing around in front of him, causing him to stop abruptly and catch me up in an embrace.

"Warning: I'm about to ruin your make-up again." He grins and kisses me before I can protest.

The three block walk takes far longer than expected.