What kind of stupid power is Heart anyway, a love story
It was spring. The air was full of flowery scents and fresh air and bird calls and blowing leaves and clouds. The planeteers were at the local recycling plant trying to recycle things that otherwise would have been wasted and piling up in some land fill, thus ruining the environment more than it already was. Because their seductive mistress of the earth, Gaia, was too lazy to get up off her gorgeous ass and cause some tornadoes that would whisk the rotting materials into the upper atmosphere where it would be flung out into the sun's rays and properly disintegrated. Or something. She was far too absorbed in watching Oprah talking about how terrible the effects of online harassment were as several people from ED were featured including one unruly obese man with a sexual obsession with small children and animals and a greasy haired demonic looking cadaverous wraith woman with purple hair not unlike a toilet scrub brush. Both individuals smelt of rotted meat, Japanese snack foods, whiskey, poon remnants, and the familiar stink of the will and temptation of Old Snatch himself, ironically despite both persons being devout Christians. The joke was on them, however because the entire show was a setup and Oprah's bosom heaved with laughter in time with the audience's own as she chortled, unveiling a curtain where behind many faceless anons stood and came forth to poke at such boils on humanity's ass with their poo-tipped sticks of justice.
Gaia couldn't help but laugh at the sight, tears of mirth streaming down her sweet mocha cheeks. "Damn girl, u so funny," she retorted to her precious tv box and slapped a knee. Then she took another handful of caramel corn and shoved it into that delectable holy goddess-mother-earth-spirit mouth of hers. Just then to her horror the show was interrupted by a much more sinister broadcast. A familiar chiseled face with features as hard looking and as soulless as stone from the very bowels of the brimstone laced fire pits presented itself with a thick sneer.
"Hello sweet cheeks!" said the notorious Zarm with a wave of his battle armor clad arm and hand.
"Zarm, you two timing planet wrecking ozone layer raping dirty stinking son of a ozone sucking sewer slut. How have you been?" Gaia said while batting her lovely eyelashes.
"I'm good," replied Zarm. "I wanted to see how you and your little conversationalist hairless ape friends were managing on that tiny little husk of a shit encrusted space rock of an insignificant backwater mud ball you all love so dearly."
"We're doing just fine, thank you very much. Now go back to your mind screwing of lesser beings you insensitive prick," Gaia retorted in a huff. "I'm missing my show."
"I think I'll go visit them to see for myself," said Zarm looking very devious and untrustworthy as always. Because he's Zarm. And you don't fuck with Zarm. He fucks with you.
"WHATEVER JUST GET OFF MY TV FUCKING OPRAH IS ON AND SHE GON WRECK DOSE AUTISTIC BITCHES," Gaia yelled as pieces of corn flew from her botox filled sultry kissable lips.
Zarm left with a frown and once again the magic radiation box resumed its soothing images of the fat asspies being general asspies and jumping over couches and waving their hands and arms like Tom Cruise and bawwwing and trying to call forth their imaginary otakukin creatures to come aid them and cast down Ultima on all opponents. Especially the ones in the back rows because they had Range Materia. But it wasn't going to happen of course. So they just got laughed at harder.
MEANWHILE BACK WHEREVER THE PLANETEETS WERE
"I love recycling," twittered Gi the Asian. I think she's Chinese.
"I love the fifteen cents we get from recycling seven thousand and fifty two cans," said Linka. "In the Soviet Union you couldn't even get a few grains but in American you can buy a whole brick of crack with that. A whole brick! I LOVE AMERICA." And then she started making out with Wheeler again who was busy setting random paper piles on fire and then rubbing himself through his pants to it. Because arsonists get off on that kind of thing. Also Russian whores.
"Something tells me that I am not going to have many lines in this story," muttered Kwame. And he was right. Suddenly a huge fireball meteor rock formation came blazing down from the sky and landed on him, crushing him into nothingness but also bone and blood spray. And squished guts.
"Hey what was that all about!" Wheeler said upon breaking his boneriffic lip-locking session with the large breasted sixteen year old Russian mail order brideateer. "Kwame's all dead now guys. Shit."
"I am still partially alive my dimwitted honky friends!" came Kawkme's voice through the rubble. But then the rock changed into what looked like suspiciously one of those DBZ Saiyan spaceship deals and the door came dropping down and crushed the little token negro boy's head.
"Hello you pathetic snot nosed fatass suburban dwelling little crap sacks," said Zarm as he sauntered down the tiny steps.
"Hey mister fancy pants extraterrestrial jackass! Most of us are orphaned or come from dysfunctional homes and shit you know," growled Wheeler with much upset. But he groped Linka's ass harder and some of the bad depressing feelings went away. But then he remembered that episode where he was in the future and he was bald, fat and paying thousands of dollars on child support and Linka turned into a fat creepy ass demanding bitch and not at all like the submissive battered wife he had imagined for so long who would make him sandwiches and lick him clean after a hard day of slacking off and dining upon fine government cheese. And then he was frightened. "OH FUCK. You're that Zarm guy," he said as he realized who the Sting looking man was after all. Because he wasn't actually Sting which would have been cool but also annoying. You know how Sting is. That Desert Rose song still haunts my nightmares.
"Not me. My parents are fucking rich. We're Chinese," chirped Gi, rubbing it in. Everyone else gave her irritated looks but it wasn't like she gave two shits. At least she couldn't drive.
"Nobody pays attention to me because I'm too little!" cried Ma-Ti suddenly and then he ran off to be alone with his pain and slit his wrists a little and talk to his nasty little tick infested virus carrying pet monkey.
"I have a proposition for you all, Planeteers," said Zarm.
"Why should be listen to you? You trick people into going to wars and drilling for oil in religiously sociopathic countries and then selling the profits to whoever can afford a part of the corrupted stock investments. Also you probably just want to kill or rape Gaia. Or both. And Captain Planet," said Linka angrily as she dry humped Wheeler in a furious motion.
"But I won't do that this time!" assured Zarm trying to sound like he wasn't lying while imagining himself wantonly tossing Gaia's luscious salad on Rule 34.
"Okay then," responded all the Planetords except Kwame because he was dead and Ma-Ti because he ran off like a screaming crybaby pussy.
SOMEWHERE ELSE WHERE IT'S STILL SOMEWHAT RELEVANT TO THE STORY HERE
"Oh, monkey!" cried Ma-Ti as he slit his slender brown wrists with his special emo knife that had Animaniacs stickers all over it because he was Special Education. "I just don't know what to do. I'm so useless. I should just kill myself. Everyone thinks I'm stupid."
"OOK OOK!" responded the filthy simian. Because that's all he could say.
"I know! I'll join a LiveJournal group that loves me for who I am, and also respects my belief that I am an ancient and powerful dark wolf lord from the Mesozoic era." He got up and ran off to his bungalow back at Hope Island to go use the computer. Which was made of technology from the future. And rocks. So it was cool like that. "I AM KING DARCON, LORD OF THE WOLFERIONS, MOTHERFUCKERS! DEATH TO ALL WHO DO NOT SUBMIT TO MY WILL!" he screeched with joy.
BACK SEVERAL MILES AWAY OR SO AGAIN
Zarm had already gotten Africa to go to war with the UK and the winner was no surprise. The Southern Hemisphere had blown up and only a few people even cared. Hawaii had placed a giant motor onto its Northern region and sailed away off toward the East as far as it could go because it was tired of being made fun of. Japan was somehow covered entirely in dog shit. Weeabos everywhere cried bloody piss filled tears of hatred and anguish because their hopes of spending their parent's retirement money to go off there and become famous manga-kas even though they couldn't draw a lopsided stick figure worth shit and live like kings were now destroyed. The world was sighing with relief as the only consolation they got from it was that the country of sick fucks was finally gone from the earth and it took with them the two unholy blights upon civilization, Cyndi-san and Chris-Chan, for they committed suicide upon learning they'd have no shitty imports to spend their hardworking taxpayer money accumulated welfare checks upon. And the taxpayers cheered as their hard earned monies were freed of their burdens of being spent on under aged Japanese anime girl blow up pillow sex dolls and Optimus Prime shaped vibrators.
"Zarm, you bitch! Look how much of the world you destroyed! You said you weren't going to do that!" cried Gi as she shoved another egg roll into her dramatic chipmunk cheeked face.
"It's not my fault humanity is retarded and prone to ignorance and hatred you saucy little dipshits," responded Zarm dryly as he grabbed the last of the pot stickers.
"And making hypocritical propaganda often aimed at young children who are far too innocent to even comprehend it, or the fact that they're actually just going to grow up in a world full of hideous socially inept retards, broken, depressed, jobless, and plagued by zealots all preaching hatred, bigotry, and unrelenting mayhem for eons to come. Don't forget that," added Gi as she stuffed another savory hunk of roasted honey soaked pork into her gaping mandible.
"Hey at least non-whites, women, and the mentally unstable can vote now. We've gotten somewhere, right?" said Linka.
"SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH AND GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN!" screamed Wheeler as he woke from his nap. And then he began to cry.
"Hey where'd that little retarded jungle kid you used to have go off to?" asked the fill in for Kwame, Planeteer Jose from Puerto Rico.
"I don't know. He ran off somewhere and we didn't bother looking for him. Because he usually calms down by himself after releasing his pent up Aspie rage and comes back after a few hours," responded Wheeler.
"Hope he doesn't. We're actually thinking it's about time to replace him for good," said Gi.
"Holy frijoles! Do you mean it?" cried Jose tossing his dirt covered green card into the air.
SUDDENLY
"G'day mates!" came the cry of the Australian Planeteer Kylie who was not just a repainted UK released bootleg. Or was he? Is he even a he? Or a she? Well whatever, in this story he's going to be a guy.
"OH MY GOD, IT FINALLY HAPPENED!" screamed the other Plantators with orgasmic joy upon seeing their dreams come true.
Kylie came bouncing up in his kangaroo, Jimminy, because he could and it was awesome. And he had a koala named Mickey on his back and a binterong named Screwball at his side. And a baby eating dingo named Prattles. Who was eating a baby.
Then Gaia came back with her face in the sky because she can because she is psychic like that and her face was covered in marshmallow spread and PB n' J.
"Planetweers, I got you your stupid fucking Aussie friend so now call Captain Planet again and kill Zarm and save the earth okay?" demanded the earth Goddess with a waggle of her sticky finger and a mighty belch. A might SEXY belch.
And the Planeteers put all their rings together and called their Chippendale ravaged hunk of an elemental spirit man to save the day because they were too weak and imbecilic to do anything themselves. Oh my.
"Combinen los powersos!" screamed Jose. Or something like that. I don't know Spanish because it's been nearly 10 years since my Spanish 1 class Freshman year. "Dirty sweat off a migrant's back!"
"Big ass fossil fuel consuming Young Earth Creationist owned trucks!" Wheeler yelled.
"Crippling Californian air pollution!" cried Linka.
"Dolphin killing family traditions of Japanese decent! Also, fuck the Koreans! They have no right infesting the glorious honorable homeland with their inferior lowly race!" cried Gi with bean sprouts spraying from her fat Azn mouth.
"Whatever power it said I had on my card!" shouted Kylie. "I had a card, right? Is anybody on eBay out there to confirm?"
Then in the air a giant vortex of pure Chuck Norris like power and beauty erupted from the clouds like a great and ancient sun god giving birth to all of mankind or Michael Moore taking a dump. It was a thing of unsurpassed beauty, mystery, and also horror. The sky boomed and from the rainbow colors that shat down across the wondrous earth formed a being who was like Captain Planet, only better. He was:
ARMOR CAPTAIN PLANET.
And he had armor. It was red and shiny and it made him totally invincible to pooplution and shit like that because he was now one hundred and fory times more powerful than the most epic deviantartlet Mary Sue ever conceived. But would he have what it took to take on the hideous beast send to murder him by the diabolical Zarm? Find out next episode as Space Time Super Power Armor Captain Planet faces off against his greatest foe:
GENERAL POLLUTION HITLER-CHAN!
To be continued. If I get enough reviews. Perhaps.
No, I'll probably continue it anyway regardless because I like to write and it's not about the reviews. Like deviantart is not about the page views.
(Oh, who am I kidding-LIES. SOUL-CRUSHING LIES IT'S ALL ABOUT THE PAGE VIEWS.)