Chapter 1: Second Chances

"How do I live? How do I breathe?
When you're not here I'm suffocating
I want to feel love, run through my blood
Tell me is this where I give it all up?
For you I have to risk it all
Cause the writing's on the wall"- Sam Smith
Note: I am somewhat new to this, so characters might be OOC, but give it a shot and let me know what you think.

Clary's POV

The news always said how the roads were dangerous when there was a snowstorm in New York. But it was always different when it came to the city.

Every tree shined with yellow Christmas lights and bows. There was just as many fat Santa's on every street as there were Starbucks, and the wind only made the city much colder.

I perfected my false smile as I handed a couple my sketch of them, charging them only ten because it was a holiday after all.

Central Park was still crowded with tourist even though it was Christmas Eve. I glanced at the time and saw my screen blink 10:52 pm. Great. I swiftly packed my art supplies and head off back to my apartment.

My fingers started freezing as I held onto my sketchpad, bringing it closer to my chest. I should've had a cover but I didn't think it would snow till now.

The crowded streets only made it more difficult to get through, I know I'm small but constantly being shoved could piss anyone off.

I rearranged my bags position once more and I suddenly got shoved so hard onto another person that their burning cup of coffee fell all over my hands. I dropped to my knees and let my sketchpad fall beside me, ruined.

I was so close to losing it, ready to threaten the person who pushed me into someone else.

"Don't you watch where the fuck you're going?"

I immediately froze. I knew that voice so well. I prayed to every god out there for him to just continue walking. I dropped my head and hid behind my curls.

Reaching for my sketchpad and ripping papers out to dry my burning, shaking hands. I can feel his eyes on me and I watch from the corner of my eyes, him kneeling in front of me.

"Shit! I forgot how hot my coffee was. Here," I glanced up and saw him offer napkins. Just as I take it, I can hear his intake of breath.

Muttering a quick 'thanks', patting down the liquid off my hands before I grab everything and get up to throw it in the trash.

I found it ironic how it became less crowded all of a sudden. I didn't bother to look back as I immediately started walking straight towards my block before-

"Clary wait!" Shutting my eyes, I stop and wait. "What?"

He rushes to my side, his brows knit together, "I actually came here to find you. I want to talk", I hear him say. I roll my eyes and start walking again once I say, "I'm sure you did."

I stop again, not because I choose to, but because his warm hand had a hold of my arm, "Jace, let go."

"I'm serious. I just came from your apartment, you can ask your doorman if need be. I just- can we, can we just talk? Please." His voice strained. It took all my willpower to just continue walking, but my eyes ended up focusing on him, and I knew there was no way I could say no.

Taking a deep sigh, I nod and lead us to my apartment.

The elevator was just as awkward as the walk here. Not because of him suddenly coming back, but because of all the stupid memories we had in here. Like his curious eyes constantly roaming me, the way he held me when it was crowded and oh, when we were alone in the elevator, he always had me pinned against the wall. We were never in this elevator NOT touching each other. And that just made everything harder.

"You owe me a new sketch pad", I mutter as we walk out onto my floor. I hesitate as I unlock my door, my hand freezing at the door knob. I can feel his eyes on me as I press my head against my door.

I set my gaze onto the floor as I swallow a breath I didn't know I was holding. "I-I can't do this. I'm sorry I brought you here. You should go."

My hand twisted the knob and I got in as quickly as I could, but of course his hand caught it before I got the chance to close it. "CLARY! Please. Just please."

I hate him. I hate him, and his voice, and what his voice does to me when he says my name like that.

I stand back and let the door swing open, my eyes staying firmly on the floor. I can feel my eyes water when I realize that we're going to do this. It's as if I just suddenly realize how real this all is, that it's just me and him alone now in this apartment.

As the door clicks, it's become official of how this talk is finally going to happen. I feel goosebumps crawl up my skin even though my apartment is somewhat warm. The longer he stays the silent, the greater the urge I have to throw something at him.

One, two, three minutes pass by and I can't take it anymore. I finally look up at him with a livid expression. My lashes wet from the tears I've held, "Well. Are you going to even talk?" I can feel my hands ball into a fist.

His hand drops from his forehead as his eyes take me in. I watch his golden iris' grow, grow into a pool filled with sorrow. He clears his throat and his brows knit together. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I did. I didn't mean to hurt you-"

I scoffed and shook my head, I didn't mean to interrupt him, but it just wasn't right. "You didn't mean to? JACE, you could've fucking called, texted, left a goddamn letter for all I care. YOU LEFT ME. You said you were just getting milk. MILK of all the damn things to get! You did NOTHING! NOTHING!"

I can feel my cheeks become soaked, my voice hoarse from all the sudden screaming, "Do you know how worried I was? How I thought you were robbed, kidnapped, or killed. I called the cops Jace. Do you know how stupid I looked, not just to them but to all our friends, Jace? Huh? Do you? Do you know how stupid I felt? I thought you were HURT. I THOUGHT the worst for days! DAYS. And you're sorry?"

He reached for the hand I had pointing at him, but I just pulled my arm away. "NO! You don't get to touch me, I shouldn't even have let you in."

"Clary, just let me explain", he pleads again. Frustration and remorse is all I can read on his face. I remembered when we first met, how he never showed any other emotion except arrogance. And slowly, the longer we stayed together, the more he allowed his walls to fall. And through the five years of our relationship, I knew everything about him. We read each other without any intentions of staying this long.

I just shake my head and look him dead in the eyes. No matter how blurry my visions was, I managed to hold our gaze. "How am I supposed to forgive you Jace?" I ask calmly. I can feel my body shaking now, "You ask me to marry you and you just leave the next day? You don't contact me for a whole four weeks. I had to find out through Magnus that you intentionally left!"

I can feel my tense shoulders drop, my throat completely hoarse as I whisper, "What did I do? What did I do to make you leave me? Did you realize I wasn't good enough? That you made a mistake? What did I do to make you go?"

"Oh, no Clary. That's not- it wasn't. It wasn't your fault. This was because of me. You did nothing, and I mean nothing wrong. I-I'm sorry I made you feel like this. "

I didn't realize I was looking at the floor until his warm fingertips brought my chin up. I didn't have it in me to push him away anymore. "This isn't your fault Clary. Don't ever consider yourself to not be good enough. This was MY mistake." I watch his hand fall back to his sides, sighing with a tight jaw.

"I did get milk. It's just. When I went to get it, I bumped into so many couples fighting, and then kids. I just got scared Clary. I- You make me so happy. The happiest I've ever been. And I love you so much. So yeah, I thought maybe I did make a mistake, I was thinking we've been so happy that what if once we married we became like those couples."

"The kind that constantly fights over little things or barely have time for each other. I realized we never even labeled what we had. HAVE."

I feel my own breathing stagger as he continues, "You know my parents nor my own step parents succeeded in marriage. And yes, I know I should've told you. I should've. You have every right to be angry at me and be upset. But when I saw how happy you were when I asked you. I knew I just couldn't take it back. "

His calloused hands cradle my face, his eyes scanning my whole face, "I'm stupid. Leaving you was the worst mistake I ever made. The way I handled it was stupid, and I never, NEVER, wanted to hurt you." His thumbs brush against my wet cheeks, and I froze at his warmth.

"I debated everyday about coming back. I just kept thinking how mad you'd be and I was scared to come back too. Next thing I realized was that three weeks had passed. I'm a coward Clary. Every day I thought about you. How upset, angry you would be. And I kept thinking what would you have done. I realized that I should've told you how I felt. I shouldn't have left the way I did, that I should've had more faith in us and in what we had together. And I do." He purses his beautiful lips.

"I know you can't forgive me. I know that you won't let me stay. But now, I want to try. I want to get you back. I know it's been hell for you these past weeks too. I want to make it up to you if you give me the chance. I've been so shitty. So terrible to have done this to you. Ask me whatever you want, I promise I'll tell you whatever you want to know." His hands drop from my face as he gives me a soft look, one close to a puppy looking for forgiveness.

How am I supposed to respond to all that? Sure i'm not going to forgive him that easily, but he's been by my side for five years. I've felt so numb, cold since he left. I want him, even my own body can sense how close he is to me.

I don't know how to do that without giving in to him so easily. I want him to know how much it hurt, how much I cried over him. But I need him. Before I can even process it longer, he interjects, "I'll gladly get on my knees if you want me to. I'll do this outside too. Throw whatever you can get your hands on at me, coffee perhaps?"

His idiotic gibberish made me smile softly, but I stopped myself. "Jace."

He drops his small smile by my tone, his face twisting into a very serious one. Giving me a nod, I continue forward. "What you did.. Look, I understand where you're coming from. I do, but like you said, you should've came to me, talked to me."

I walked closer, my confidence coming back. I don't dare to touch him, but just look up into his honey molten eyes. "I want you to know that what you did hurt. That it's something I don't think it will be able to be fixed for a while. I-I'm going to need time. And i'm telling you now, I can't forgive you easily, I shouldn't." I bit my bottom lip, watching him twitch before I continued.

"This tore me apart Jace, so if you really want to continue this," my hand gestured between me and him as my brows knit together, "then you'll have to be prepared that I won't reciprocate a lot of things, that I'm not going to make it easy on you. That I will be afraid of you. Not in the way it sounds, but in the meaning of trust. Do you… Do you think you'll be able to handle that?"

It only takes him a second to respond before his head nods vigorously, "I can. I'll take whatever I can get if it means giving me a second chance. I promise that I won't take this for granted. I will make it up to you and i'll respect your space. I'm just- thank you. Thank you for this second chance. I'm going to assure you that you'll never regret this decision."

I swallow as he leans down to kiss the top of my head, whispering "thank you." Before he pulls away to leave, I couldn't help but blurt out, "Would you want to stay?"

I can see that it caught i'm off guard, his lips parted and his eyes wide. "Just for a bit I mean. If you can, I know it's Christmas and all. So you would want to be with your family and.. Um, actually never mind. Your mom would kill me if -"

"Hey." He interjects with a light chuckle and a smile, his hands on my shoulder's. "I'd be happy to stay." I internally kicked myself at how quickly I lost my cool.

Our jackets were hung loosely on the back of the wooden chairs around the dining room table. The apartment was filled with soft christmas music from the radio as I passed him a mug containing his not so dark coffee. "Thanks, are you sure you don't need any help cooking?" he asks as he blows against the drink.

I shake my head and sit on the other side of my couch, tucking my legs in "I'm sure. I hope you're fine with just chicken and vegetables, I didn't really expect um…" I drifted.

I can almost see the wheels rolling in his mind. How did I end up alone this Christmas. Simon and Isabelle hit it off when I introduced them a year after Jace and I met. So there was a high possibility he would spend the holiday with the Lightwoods. Ever since Jace left, his family kept a great distance from me.

My own mom didn't invite me as well, but I can only assume she's spending Christmas with her own boyfriend and his family while my brother sits in jail.

My hard concentration on my mug broke when Jace cleared his throat, "I'm sure whatever you make would be fulfilling. And don't worry, I will pay back the pad I ruined. What were you doing with it outside anyways?" He places his empty mug on the tabletop, settling deeper into the couch as he gives me his undivided attention.

I scrunch my nose at figuring out how I would explain it, "Well, way before you moved in, drawing couples was how I managed to get by. I guess when you left, I wasn't sure if you were going to pay your part of the month's rent. But then you did, and I guess I just continued it to keep myself busy really."

"Will you ever show me a drawing of us?", I slightly choke on my own coffee when he asked.

I've always been fine with sharing my drawings to people, especially since it's them. But I've never really drew us. A lot of my private drawings were only of him.

Sighing, I play with my fingers and glance back up to him. " I've never really drew myself", I say honestly. His eyes widen as his brows knit together. Before I even continued, he's up off the couch, roaming through my cabinets.

"Jace. What are yo-"

"I know it's in here somewhere." He mutters, his hands moving fast, then he's off down the hallway. I can hear the creak of the closet open. As I was about to get up, he comes back with a book, a pencil, and the hallway mirror. "Draw."

I feel my body shake as I laugh, my cheeks burning from smiling so hard. As it dies down I shake my head and look at him. His smile matching my own.

But then I stop, and he catches on too. I shouldn't do this, we shouldn't be doing this. "Jace, what are we doing?"

I watch his shoulders slightly drop, putting his empty plate down on the living room table. I do the same and reach for my glass, taking a quick sip as I let my mentality fall back into reality. "We're trying", he says.

I shake my head and tuck my curls behind my ears, "It's too soon." I bring my leg up and lay my chin onto it. I know I agreed to give him a second chance. But I feel like I need to know more before I can continue on and try.

"Did you sleep with anyone when you were gone?" I ask bluntly, my eyes trained on his stubble beard. The thing i've learned about Jace was that he was always honest. To every dumb, hurtful thing he's ever done, he was always truthful. He himself even said that in the past, "I am an asshole, that's clear. But a liar I am not".

When I hear him clear his throat, I immediately knew I wasn't going to like his answer. "No. But-", he heaves and scratches the back of his neck. "A week after I left, I did go out. I thought maybe, what we had was easy. I tried to see if I could-"

"Replace me", I cut him off angrily.

It took only a few seconds before he says no, "I don't really know how to explain it. I didn't want to replace you, nor would I. I just thought.. I guess I just wanted to keep my mind off you. Distract myself. I got completely wasted and ended up dancing with a red head. I was with Izzy and Alec, they can testify to that.."

"She ended up kissing me, but I immediately pushed her away. That moment Clary, I swear I felt even worse. I hated myself for letting it get that far and I still do." His leg is bouncing, his voice filled with regret. When he looks at me, his golden eyes widen and I see his hand hesitate to touch me.

Five minutes pass, then ten. And all I can do is avoid his gaze. It's amazing how i'm feeling all of this over again, anger, sadness, scared, but most importantly disappointed.

"Clary, please say something", his leg still shakes but now he's sitting up, moving closer to me.

"There's nothing left to say Jace. Sure i'm upset, angry even, but it doesn't even matter." I lift my head but bring up my other leg just so I can hug them.

"What do you mean?" he ask.

"I don't have a right to be upset. You were right, we never committed or defined what we had before your proposal. And when you left, that basically took back what you asked. So technically, we were nothing, we are nothing." I whispered unintentionally.

His face was furious when I peered at him through my lashes. "We're not nothing Clary. We're anything but that."

I scoffed, shaking my own head as my curls untuck themselves from my ears, "Oh, and what is that exactly? Friends with benefits that became roommates?"

"You know we're more than that!", his anger took me by surprise. His elbows were on his knees as his hands tugged at his golden locks. Running his hands through his hair, his hand forming to a fist and the other cups over it as his chin leans on top.

He's much closer than he was before, his face only inches away from mine, "You were always much more to me than that." I wouldn't lie if someone were to ask me if I honestly fell for that. Because I did. It wasn't a statement to fall for, it was a truth that managed to make my stomach swell with butterflies like before.

I let out a shaky breath and burry my face into my knees. This was just too complicated. So someone kissed him, that's okay because we weren't together, right? And either way, he didn't kiss her. But still that wasn't an excuse to why he left.

He came back.

He's never hurt me before. Sure he saw other people at the beginning of whatever we had, but it ceased a month after we started sleeping with each other on a weekly basis. I didn't loose anything, he still managed to pay his part of the bill too.

And I know I want him, I really do. I felt as if I were suffocating the whole time he was gone. I guess my mind still hasn't changed. I pull back from my knees and glance at the table to the picture I managed to draw of him holding the mirror smiling like an idiot, while my reflection is on the mirror. We got along as if the whole events of that month didn't happen.

I turn sideways, leaning my cheek against my kneecaps and I just take him in.

God, he looks so good. His calloused hands look even bigger. His body still looks fit in his long black v-neck. And I can almost remember every time he held me. I think that's what I've missed the most besides his warm looks and running my hands through his soft hair.

I bite my lip and sniffle as I finally meet his eyes. Shit, how long have I dazed off? I glance at the clock, and it's already 2:45 am.

"Merry Christmas, Jace." I say when I turn back to him. He gives me a small smile, only the left side of his lips lifting with a nod, "Merry Christmas, Clary."

We stay silent for a while. I chew the inside of my lip and keep my eyes on his chest because, well I don't know what else to say. It's been a long day, I'm tired but I don't want him to go as well. But I know he would have to leave eventually.

I want him to hold me. I've genuinely missed him. But I keep reminding myself that I can't make this easy for him. I don't want to be that kind of girl that instantly takes back a guy after his mistake only to repeat it over and over again?

"I do want this to work. Us." I clear my throat and see him shift as his head tilts to the side, "why do I hear a 'but' coming along with that sentence?"

I bit my lip and nestled my chin against my shoulder, whispering "is it wrong if I tell you I want you to hold me?" By the look on his face, I can tell that my words caught him of guard.

"I don't think it's wrong to want that", he tells me. He sits back against the couch and opens his arms wide, "C'mere." The bottom of my lip is still caught between my teeth and shake my head. When I don't move, he just slides closer. His face lowering to mine.

"I know you don't want to be easy on me, but I can see how badly you want this. Let me hold you, I owe you that and much more Red. I'm going to do everything I can under your conditions." It's been so long since he called me Red. Even the way he spoke was so understanding and endearing.

I hesitated before I slowly crawled into his lap, "Just until the morning okay? After that, we're going to have to start over." He took me gracefully in his arms, my face automatically burying in his neck as his arms snake around my body, giving me a soft squeeze. Their was a faint smell of his Bleu de Chanel cologne mixed with his own home scent.

His skin was hot, but it felt so damn good against my forehead. His body immediately brought me into a haze of nostalgia.

"Just until the morning", he confirmed through a murmur. I slowly felt myself fade into sleep with his lips constantly kissing my head.

AN:/ So here is the start of something that just popped into my head. Reviews would be great in which could help me lead to other ideas. What i'm working on now is how they were as a couple through the past five years. Let me know what you enjoyed, if you did enjoy it I mean. Was there more information I could've focused on, was there anything specific you wanted more of, etc. I could've worked on this more, t's a bit rushed if you could tell, but I really wanted it out by Christmas. This has a little of the good and bad Clace.

Recommendation of the Day: Author - SereneCalamity
She's written a lot of Clace stories and one shots which are VERY interesting, check her out.

MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR!
-Ciao, Cait .