A/N: What is there to say? This is just one of those ideas that gets stuck in your head and refuses to leave no matter what you do. I...like playing with Axel's motivations for what he does in the game, and the whole fire thing - canon doesn't really get into it that much, but it's an element with a lot of connotations about anger and passion and whatnot. And being able to tie that into Axel and Roxas' relationship was interesting, as, well, anything to do with Akuroku is interesting. So, enjoy!
Disclaimer: Look at how the last game ended and tell me you think I own Kingdom Hearts. Really.
Sublimation
They are lying together in Axel's bed, tangled in the damp sheets, Axel pondering with a vague, besotted smile how perfectly Roxas' smaller, tidy, squared-off limbs fit against his lankier form, when Roxas starts crying. It isn't hard crying. Roxas makes a strange, soft hitching noise in the back of his throat; then Axel feels something damp on the back of his hand resting on Roxas' shoulder, and when he looks at Roxas, confused, he can see the gleaming line traced by a tear down his cheek.
"Are you crying?" Axel asks, bemused. "Is little Roxy sad he got taken by Big Bad Axel?" He prods Roxas' side, light enough to convey the threat of tickling if he doesn't get an answer.
"Shut up," Roxas growls, and punches him in the shoulder – an awkward angle, but Axel, counting bruises later, reflects wryly that Roxas is an evil little punk and never pulls his punches. Axel, in response, tackles him, trying to pin him to the bed long enough to tickle him, although Roxas makes it difficult by thrashing like a fish, throwing out punches and kicks that leave Axel gasping, and at one point, Axel swears, even biting him, although that has the effect of turning the whole fight into another make-out session, and then, because Axel's self-control barely fills a teaspoon, flat-out sex.
"I wasn't crying because I was sad," Roxas says unexpectedly, when they are once again lying still, panting and spent and too tired to even wonder where the sheets are by now. "Although I probably should be, since I'm sleeping with a complete idiot. I was just – really happy, and it surprised me. I've never felt like this before."
Axel raises himself on one elbow, leaning across Roxas to brush a strand of sandy-blond hair out of his face.
"You're really special, you know that, Roxas?" he says softly.
"Why?" Roxas grumbles irritably. "Because I cry over having an annoying, unbearably obnoxious boyfriend? That doesn't make me special. It just makes me a girl."
"I can tell you right now you're not a girl," Axel says, leering. "But that's not why."
Pushing himself up to lean against the pillows, Roxas glares – and Roxas' glares are terrifying but also inexplicably sexy and Axel has to stop himself from drooling or pouncing on him again – and raises one eyebrow.
"So?" he scowls. "Why, then?"
Axel's thumb gently strokes his cheek, following the path of his tears.
"Because," he answers simply. "You can cry, Roxas."
Roxas shrugs him off uncomfortably. "Your stupid is showing again, Axel. Everyone can cry."
Long pale fingers reach out and flick Roxas on the forehead.
"We're not everybody, remember, Rox? We're Nobodies. We don't have hearts to make us sad or happy or anything like that. None of us can cry." Axel ruffles Roxas' hair playfully. "Except for you, kid. See? You're special."
After the hair ruffling, Roxas has seized his wrist, not wanting to be victim to any more of Axel's "affection", and now his fingers make absent circles on it as he processes the red-head's words.
"You've never cried?" he asks, voice uncharacteristically hesitant. "Never?"
Axel stretches languidly, although he doesn't try to loosen Roxas' hold on his hand.
"Nope," he replies lightly. "I wish I knew how you can do it."
Axel uses his free hand to pull Roxas into his lap, head pillowed against Axel's lean chest; exhaling slowly, he runs lazy fingers through Roxas' hair. He doesn't seem to have anything else to say on the matter. Roxas contemplates pressing him further, but in the end Axel's chest is too warm, his fingers too soothing, and he drifts into sleep.
Axel listens to Roxas breathe as he sleeps; he has an arm wrapped around the boy, pulling him closer, and his chin rests in his hair, the mingled scents of sweat and soap tickling his nose. When he speaks, it is a breathless whisper, soft enough not to wake the other Nobody.
"I don't know how I'd explain what it's like, Rox, knowing I should be crying, wanting to, and then realizing I can't," he murmured. "I can't even say it feels bad, you know, because it doesn't – it just feels like emptiness. Like Nothing. Like I'm not really a person. But then I guess I'm not, am I? And I don't know, you're supposed to be a Heartless like the rest of us, but you really are different, I can tell. I just can't imagine you ever feeling like that, and I don't know how I could make you understand."
At some point Roxas' grip shifted to entwine his fingers with Axel's instead of clinging to his wrist, and Axel's hand is beginning to cramp; his legs are going numb from Roxas' weight; a bony elbow is digging rather uncomfortably into his stomach. Still, he doesn't dare move; this whole thing is too much like a confession, and moving would break the spell.
"I never decided to burn things, Roxy. The first time I woke up, after – well, you know, just after – I was so confused, and the bastards sent Xigbar to find me, of all people, and of course all he did was laugh and tell me "you're really fucked now, kid." And I was sitting there, and all I wanted to do was cry my fucking heart out. But when I tried, there wasn't anything inside me that could do that any more. All I could feel was heat, this fire burning through my veins and my insides and my skin. Like it had burned away the rest of me, all my tears and everything. And when I opened my eyes, there were flames dancing all around me, and Xigbar looking like he was about to run."
Axel shifts slightly, uncomfortably, rubbing a hand across his face.
"'He weeps, and the whole world burns…' Have you ever heard Demyx sing that song? It was only supposed to be a joke, but that little twerp has an odd way of getting things right. It's just – fuck, the only thing I can do, you know, and it doesn't make me feel better but at least it's something, right? And anything's better than Nothing…"
A wry smile quirks Axel's lips, and he slumps back against the pillows, eyes closed, letting Roxas' head rest just beneath his chin.
"You make me too damn philosophic, kid," he says gently, already half-asleep. "I didn't used to care about this shit. I used to just do my job, burn what Xemnas told me, without worrying about hearts and crying and all that mess. But now everything's so complicated, and it's all your fault. I must be really fucking crazy to put myself through all this, even if the sex is amazing…"
Axel wakes the next morning to a vase smashing into the wall over his head as Larxene screeches in his face about whoever put the fucking bugs in her shampoo is going to die a slow and painful death. By the time he gets her calmed down – or at least convinced that it was Demyx' fault – Roxas is awake, blinking sleepily with an expression on his face so innocent Axel can't help but think the most dirty thoughts. And one thing leads to another, and by the time he and Roxas actually make it out of bed, around noon, Axel has completely forgotten about anything he might have said to the blond the night before.
Standing on a back street of Twilight Town, Axel desperately searches Roxas' face for even the faintest glimmer of recognition – a twitch, a pause, a blink, anything that will tell him the boy he knew is still in there somewhere.
There isn't anything to see. Whoever this is, it isn't Roxas anymore. And Axel could handle Roxas refusing to come back, Roxas hating him now, Roxas saying he'd never really loved him, but to come so far only to find Roxas doesn't even remember who he is…Roxas had promised. It feels like a million years ago now but Roxas swore that nothing would ever come between them, no matter what.
Nothing, it seems, doesn't include Roxas, who is looking at him with stranger's eyes and raising his keyblade defensively.
Then Roxas vanishes, and Axel lets his head droop, hands in a white-knuckled grip on his chakrams, shoulders shaking imperceptibly.
He can't feel anything. He knows that. This is just a whisper, an echo, a memory of what he might have felt when he did have a heart.
It is still enough to make his stomach twist and his heart pound with frustration and betrayal and sharp, jagged grief.
Dimly Axel remembers something he told Roxas once, whispered into his ear while the other was sleeping.
Axel can't cry for Roxas, but standing on the street in Twilight Town, Axel swears bitterly that Roxas will burn for him.
A/N: Good? Bad? Fish? Please do tell. Also, Axel is now on my list of characters that are way too much fun to write. Even when I tried to make him serious he ended up a perv.