Madara Uchiha
by Goggleplex
Summery: A Rumpelstiltskin Parody with Kakuzu as the Gold-greedy Hokage, Tsunade as the 'Miller's' gambling-problem granddaughter and Tobi as Rumpelstiltskin. Kakuzu/Tsunade.
Once there was a ninja who was very poor, but who had a beautiful granddaughter named Tsunade. It was actually his granddaughter who was the reason he was poor thanks to all the gambling debt that piled around her...but that's not the point of this story. Now it happened that he had to go and speak to the Hokage, Kakuzu, and in order to make himself appear more important he said to him, "I have a granddaughter who can spin straw into gold."
Kakuzu was amused at his old rival's story and didn't really believe him. But Kakuzu was very fond of riches and money so he said to Shodai, "That is an art which pleases me well, if your daughter is as clever as you say, bring her to-morrow to my home, and I will put her to the test."
The next day when Tsunade was brought to Kakuzu he took her into a room which was quite full of straw, gave her a spinning-wheel and a reel, and said, "Now set to work, and if by tomorrow morning early you have not spun this straw into gold during the night, you must die."
Thereupon he himself locked up the room, and left her in it alone. So there sat Tsunade, and for the life of her she could not figure out what to do, short of punching the walls out. Tsunade had no idea how straw could be spun into gold, and she grew more and more frustrated until at last she began to shout obscenities at the greedy Hokage, her dumb grandfather and the world in general.
But all at once the door opened, and in came a strange sort of man with dark hair and a swirled orange mask over his face. He approached the fuming Kunochi and said, "Good evening, Miss Tsunade, Tobi wants to know why are you shouting so?"
"Alas," answered the girl, "Thanks to my grandfather's boasting I have to spin straw into gold, and I do not know how to do it. Tomorrow the Hokage Kakuzu will kill me because of his rivalry with Grandfather!"
"What will you give Tobi," said the masked boy, "if Tobi does it for you?"
"My necklace," said Tsunade.
Tobi took the necklace, seated himself in front of the wheel, and whirr, whirr, whirr, three turns, and the reel was full, then he put another on, and whirr, whirr, whirr, three times round, and the second was full too. And so it went on until the morning, when all the straw was spun, and all the reels were full of gold.
By daybreak Kakuzu was already there, and when he saw the gold he was astonished and delighted, he hadn't actually thought she could do it but Tsunade had proved him wrong! Unfortunately for Tsunade, Kakuzu happened to be a bastard and seeing all the gold in the room caused him only to desire more.
He had Tsunade taken into another room full of straw, which was much larger, and commanded her to spin that also in one night if she valued her life. Tsunade did not how to help herself, and was once again screaming at the world, when the door opened again, and the masked boy appeared, and said, "What will you give Tobi if Tobi spins that straw into gold for you?"
"The ring on my finger," answered the Tsunade.
The boy known as Tobi took the ring, and once again began to turn the wheel, and by morning had spun all the straw into glittering gold.
Kakuzu rejoiced beyond measure at the sight, but still he had not enough gold in his opinion, and so he had his rival's daughter taken into a still larger room full of straw, and said, "You must spin this, too, in the course of this night, but if you succeed, you shall be my wife."
She stared at him in complete disbelief, "Why would I want to marry you? You'd only make me spin straw all day."
Kakuzu waved his hand and said, "You can succeed and marry me or you can refuse and I'll have you put to death."
"Wow. You're a real catch Kakuzu-sama," Tsunade said sarcastically, "How romantic and heartfelt you are..."
"Just do it," Kakuzu growled, "Even if you are my rival's daughter I could not find a richer wife in the whole world than you. We're perfect for each other."
He left her in the tower and when Tsunade was alone Tobi came again for the third time, and said, "What will you give me if I spin the straw for you this time also?"
"I have nothing left that I could give," answered the girl.
"Then promise me, if you should ever have children, that you will give me your first child."
'Like kids will ever happen', thought the Tsunade, 'The guy's a freak and even if we do get married I wouldn't touch him if he begged me to.' So, not knowing how else to help herself in this strait, she promised the masked boy that she would give him what he wanted, and for that he once more spun the straw into gold.
The next morning when Kakuzu entered the room and found all the gold he could ever wish for, he took her in marriage, and Tsunade became known throughout the land as The Hime Medic.
Something went a little askew on the first night of Kakuzu and Tsunade's marriage though. After all the festivity and party-goers had left the 'happy' couple Kakuzu in a drunken haze pulled Tsunade into a gentle embrace, "How could I have not noticed you. Your hair is like fine gold and your skin is like priceless ivory. You're the best I could ever hope for..."
And it might just have been the sake taking over but Tsunade found herself not looking into his lantern green eyes in disgust but as a teenager in love. I'd like to say their night together was memorable but it wasn't as memorable as their double hangovers the next morning...
A little less than a year after that, Tsunade brought a beautiful child into the world. She had her father's eyes and hair and the ruddy skin of a newborn and Tsunade loved her. She hadn't given a spare thought to the masked boy who had helped her. But one morning he suddenly came into her room, and said, "Now give Tobi what you promised him."
Tsunade was horror-struck, and offered the boy all the riches she had to offer if he would just leave her the baby. But the orange masked boy said, "No, something alive is dearer to me than all the treasures in the world."
Then the kunochi began to weep and sob, so the masked boy pitied her.
"I will give you three days, time," said he, "if by that time you find out my name, then shall you keep your child."
Tsunade stared at him incredulously and said, "But isn't Tobi your name?"
"No, sorry Ms Tsunade but Tobi is Tobi's nickname."
So blond kunochi thought the whole night of all the names that she had ever heard, and she sent her teammate Jiraiya over the country to inquire, far and wide, for any other names that there might be. When the boy came the next day, she began with Shiro, Kazumo, Iriku, and said all the names she knew, one after another, but to every one the young man replied, "That is not my name."
On the second day she had inquiries made in the neighborhood as to the names of the people there, and she repeated to the young man the most uncommon and curious. Perhaps your name is Ramen, or Onigiri, or Tempura, but he always answered, "That is not my name."
On the third day Jiraiya came back again, and said, "I have not been able to find a single new name, but as I came to a high mountain at the end of the forest, where the fox and the hare bid each other good night, there I saw a little house, and before the house a fire was burning, and round about the fire quite a ridiculous man in an orange mask was jumping, he hopped upon one leg, and shouted
"Tomorrow the stew, today the cake.
And then my new friend away I'll take;
For little deems my royal dame
That Madara Uchiha is my name!"'
You may imagine how glad Tsunade was when she heard the name. And when soon afterward the orange masked boy came in, and asked, "Now, Ms Tsunade, what is my name?"
At first she said, "Is your name Orochimaru?"
"No."
"Is your name Naruto?"
"No."
"Perhaps your name is...Madara Uchiha?"
"Who has told you that! Who has told you that," cried the poor masked young man, "You promised me! I just want my new friend! Everyone who can walk always leaves me so I wanted someone who can't walk away!"
Tsunade sighed and said, "You can babysit her if you want to. I do have a lot of work to do and I can't have her with me all the time."
Madara beamed at Tsunade and said, "Really? As a thank you then I'll tell you my gold-making jutsu!"
"Oh goody. That means I can pay off all my gambling debt before Kakuzu realizes what happened to all the gold you spun up for me."
And Kakuzu and Tsunade lived richly ever after with a free nanny.
The End
Wow...Right. There is a serious lack of Kakuzu/Tsunade stories out there and even though this is not a serious story I'm glad to have written it. Hope you enjoyed Madara Uchiha!
Note:Edited Madara's name!