Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. This story is inspired by Jim Benton's "Love Bites".
A.N.: This story is dedicated to Yoni-chan who is currently living in New Zealand. Yoni-chan, I figured you could use a good laugh and stuff. Haha ) Enjoy! Please R&R. Thanks! Arigatou! Salamat!
Need help charming the girl of your dreams? Feel like you've got no chance in getting her attention? Having a hard time expressing your emotions?
Well. Your prayers have been answered!
From the maker of "Tales of a Gutsy Ninja" and "Icha Icha Paradise" saga, comes this guide which helps fellow males to navigate around the twists and turns of romance.
Presenting the "Idiot Guy's Guide to a Woman's Heart" by Jiraiya-sama.
This book is filled with fool-proof tips and techniques, which guarantee satisfactory results, each and every time, as proven by countless "researches" done by the pervy sage himself.! It also contains quizzes which help hone one's techniques.
Even the most cold-blooded of assassins can become one of the hottest lady killers in town!
Well then. Ready? Get set. Go go go!
"What's this, Kakashi-taichou?" asked Sai as he examined both the front cover and the prologue on the back of the book.
"Jiraiya-sama gave that book to me before he took off for his mission. It's an interesting read and I figured that it would interest you too. It might help you with your study about emotions." Kakashi said, along with that familiar eye crinkle.
"Arigatou gozaimasu." replied the pale artist.
"Well, I got to run. Hokage Tower. I'm definitely gonna get it now. Ja ne."
With a soft poof, the silver haired jonin disappeared, leaving the former Root member to his thoughts.
'He's late for a mission debriefing by two whole hours… Hmm…With Dickless, Ugly and Kakashi-taichou leaving on a mission today and Yamato-taichou busy with ANBU work, my schedule is practically wide open.' Sai thought. 'Might as well go home and read this to pass the time'.
After a ten minute walk from the training grounds to his apartment, he unceremoniously slumped on his couch and started reading his newly-acquired book.
So YOU have a crush…
What are you going to do about it?
'Well, I don't really have a crush or whatever they call it, right now. But I think this information would be really vital in the future'. Sai thought.
Chapter 1: THE CRUSH
Getting people to focus on what's most important: YOU
'Aa… So desuka? All this time I thought that establishing bonds was the most important thing. I guess Dickless was wrong.'
Tip #1: Let your new crush know that you're sincere and genuine.
'Just a bit further… I can see the village gates now…' Sakura thought.
Two weeks on an reconnaissance mission to Kumogakure was nowhere near pleasant. Team Kakashi could barely attend to personal essentials such as bathing and getting decent hours of sleep. Those damn rogue shinobi sure were persistent, much to the team's irritation. Despite this, vengeance was truly sweet as they "ripped those bastards apart, limb by limb", to quote Naruto.
"Ramen. So Hungry. Ramen. So Hungry. Ramen. So Hungry." whined Naruto.
With Kakashi donning an air of indifference and seeking solace in his Icha Icha Tactics, and Naruto's incessant whining, Sakura's patience quickly dissolved, until...
BAM!
"ITAI! What was that for Sakura-chan?" Naruto said while rubbing the now injured part of his head.
"Could you just shut up about your damn stomach for even just a second? We're almost there…"
"Demo, Sakura-chan…"
"ONE MORE WORD OUT OF YOU AND I SWEAR TO KAMI-SAMA I'LL HIT YOU SO HARD YOU'D FORGET WHAT IT'S LIKE TO EAT SOLID FOOD! THAT MEANS NO MORE RAMEN, SHANNARO!"
Needless to say, this effectively shut up the black and orange clad shinobi. The silver haired jonin spared a glance at his two former students and grinned. 'They're growing up before my very eyes'.
After five minutes of pure silence, team Kakashi finally entered the vicinity of Konohagakure. Needless to say, all members of said three man cell were relieved to be home. No one bothered to say anything, as they slowly took everything in. What a beautiful morning in Konoha!
'It's great to be back.' they thought.
Finally breaking the silence, Kakashi said "Yosh, we still got some time. We'd better freshen up a bit before reporting to the Hokage. I have a feeling Tsunade-sama would kill us for dirtying up her office floor. Let's meet up at the Hokage tower entrance in one hour. Ja."
Said jonin disappeared in a matter of two seconds behind a cloud of smoke. Sakura had no protest against their team captain's proposal, but she knew deep inside the reason behind Kakashi's proposal.
'Liar! He just wants to get another Icha Icha book to read. Well, I don't blame him. Reading the same book over and over again for two weeks can get really boring.' Sakura mused.
As Sakura looked over to her left, "Oi Naru-"
"RAMEN, HERE I COME!"
The blond shinobi was already a good twenty meters away, running towards an all too familiar food stall.
Sakura sighed. 'I hope he remembers about the mission reporting later. Anyway, I better go home and shower. Ugh, I feel so gross.'
Upon nearing her apartment, she saw Sai leaning against her door, evidently waiting for her to arrive.
"Hi. Welcome back." the pale shinobi said with his signature smile
"Hello Sai! This is a surprise. How are you doing? What brings you here" Sakura smiled back. Though she was happy to see the other member of team Kakashi after two weeks, she couldn't help but wonder what was going on.
As she rummaged through her pockets to find her keys, Sai said "Well, there's something I need to tell you."
Before those words had even began to sink in, Sakura found herself pinned against her door, with Sai's arms preventing her from escaping.
Needless to say, this caught her by surprise. 'Nani? What the hell is going on here?' Sakura struggled to getaway but her exhausted body refused to respond in a way she wanted it to.
On the contrary, her face slowly grew red due to the closeness of their bodies. She could definitely feel the blood pounding in her ears. Her breaths came out uneven as she felt his breaths on her. The kunoichi looked up to find that she could not break eye contact with said shinobi.
'His eyes are filled with such drive and …wait… desire?'
Sai slowly drew his face closer to hers, and with the sexiest voice he could muster, he whispered…
"I sincerely want you to genuinely worship me…"
Two seconds later, the people of Konoha witnessed something black and pale fly across the sky and land unceremoniously near...
CRASH!
"Wha wus thaa?" Naruto said with his mouth full of his fifth bowl of ramen.
Tip #2: Displaying your smart and sensitive side is a huge plus!
After cleansing the dirt and her numerous frustrations, particularly towards a certain pale artist, away, she stepped out of the shower smelling like cherry blossoms in spring.
As she dried her hair, Sakura noticed a bouquet of roses on her bed. Her face donned a smile in a matter of milliseconds. 'How sweet. I wonder who sent them.' she thought as she picked the bouquet up and admire its wonderful scent. As if answering her question, a note fell from the bouquet. Sakura picked it up and read…
"Roses are red
Violets are blue
Your face's funny looking
But I think you'll do
-Sai"
Shikamaru was minding his usual business, namely cloud gazing in the training grounds. Out of nowhere, "What the-? Where the hell did this come from?" said the lazy genius as he held a bouquet of roses in his left hand and massaged his forehead with his right. "Tsk. Troublesome bouquet."
Tip #3: Most important of all, tell your crush you think they're the best.
'Great. This day just keeps getting better and better.' Sakura thought in a sarcastic note, as she rushed towards the Hokage tower. Ordinary bystanders were shocked to witness a red and pink blur mutter a long string of swear words, as it zoomed along the path. The two episodes involving Sai distracted her so much that she nearly forgot about the mission reporting.
As she approached the meeting place, Sakura saw two figures: one was tall and had spiky blond hair while the other was taller and had silver hair. 'Kuso. Even Kakashi-sensei got here before me. Kami-sama, what did I do to deserve this?' she miserably thought as she approached her team mates.
"Woah. Sakura-chan, I never thought you'd be late. Kakashi-sensei's lateness must be rubbing off you, huh?" Naruto grinned.
"Urusai! Ugh. Let's just get his over with." Sakura said while massaging her still pulsating vein on her temple. The peral-hued hair kunoichi them stormed off towards her shissou's office, leaving her teammates shocked at her behavior.
"Looks like someone's been having a rough morning." Kakashi said. Naruto just shrugged and proceeded to tell Kakashi about how Sai unexpectedly crash landed near Ichiraku while he was eating.
After a half hour of reporting to Tsunade-sama, team Kakashi was free to go. Kakashi poofed to a place Kami knows where doing Kami knows what. 'Most likely in his bedroom, reading more smutty "romance novels" and what not' the pinkette thought. Naruto left in a hurry, saying something in the lines of "Ramen. So Hungry. Hinata-chan. So Late. Kuso."
With nothing else planned for the rest of the day and a whole lot of training to do tomorrow, Konoha's Cherry Blossom decided to have a quick meal and get her well-deserved sleep. C'mon, two weeks on a mission with less than two hours of sleep everyday, no time for a decent bath and being on constant alert for any ambush attacks by enemy shinobi… and also, putting up with a hyperactive, stomach-minded baka and an often apathetic, porn-crazed former sensei… all these things can really stress a kunoichi out. Don't get her wrong. She loves and treats them as the family she used to have, as her parents died during a mission and being an only child left her to her own devices. But sometimes, she needed time and space to attend to her own personal needs.
And this is THAT time.
Upon entering her apartment, she noticed a rather large, rectangular package on her dining table. 'The surprises just don't stop now, do they?' Sakura sighed. However, curiosity got the better of her; thus, she decided to unwrap her "present".
"Wow." This was the only sound that escaped her lips as she stared awestruck at the beauty before her.
It was a painting. A portrait of herself, to be specific. In the painting, Sakura was portrayed as a white clad angel, admiring the sunrise while leaning against a vibrant cherry blossom tree on a green hill. It was truly breathtaking.
'Oh Kami-sama. I never thought Sai would ever make me a painting of myself, let alone spend time making a painting for me.' Sakura blushed, as she admired the details and vibrant colors of said painting. As she turned the painting over, to see if there's a message written behind it, Sakura thought 'I guess he's trying to make up for what he did before…'
"I think you're the best I can do… for now -Sai"
Or Not.
"Ano, Naruto-kun, I really enjoyed our lunch date." Hinata said while fumbling with her fingers.
"Me too, Hinata-chan." Naruto smiled.
"Well, I better get going now. I've got training with Kiba-kun and Shino-kun." said the pearl-eyed girl with a slight blush tinting her cheeks.
"Hai. I'll see you around then." As Naruto leaned closer to peck Hinata on the cheek, BAM!
"Aaaah! Naruto-kun! Are you ok? Hang in there. Naruto-kun!" panicked the Hyuuga heiress .
"One miso ramen with extra toppings-ttebayo." Naruto deliriously said, due to what seemed like a painting falling from the sky and nailing him right in the face.
A.N.: Poor Sai, Naruto and Shikamaru. Haha :D Please R&R! Those who do will be specially mentioned in the future chapters. Thanks! :D