Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
Hotch knew that he'd done Haley wrong. She should have been treated better. At first she had understood, or tried too, anyway, but then she got pregnant. It was difficult for her, he knew, being with Jack all day, not knowing where he was, if he was going to come home. He understood that, but the job occupied too much of his time. It bugged him, too, believe it or not. He would like a day off now and then, but he had made a commitment. To the job, to the team, to the FBI, to the victims, it didn't matter to who, really, all he knew was that he had to go. Haley would give him a pleading look when he bounced out of bed at two a.m., one that said 'please, say you're sick, you don't have to leave me', He hated that look because it reminded him of how much he was hurting her. Yet, he kissed her, told her he loved her, and would leave.
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
The first time he didn't answer her call, he was so ashamed of himself. He couldn't believe he had done that. She was his wife, the mother of his child, his love, but he ignored her phone calls. He knew he avoided them because she would yell, but every time he ignored the call, some part of him had to wonder, what if it's about Jack this time? Then, Haley got smart. If she couldn't reach him to yell at him, she would call JJ, and have JJ yell at him for her. He'd asked JJ to ignore her calls as he did, but unlike him, JJ wasn't afraid to hear what his wife would say. JJ was on her side. He stopped himself. There were no sides. He knew how to stop the yelling, he would take a night off, go home, make sure they had a babysitter, and take her out for a night on the town, dancing, dinner, whatever she wanted was hers. This had always worked before. The next time he tried, though, it didn't work. She didn't even let him in the house.
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
One day he came home and she was gone. She wasn't there, Jack wasn't there. She didn't even leave a note. There was no explanation. She was just gone. But he knew. He knew why she had left. She was sick and tired of him ignoring her calls, of the tension that lay thick between them whenever he crawled into bed beside her. She was done with the job and its crazy hours. She wanted a job where he could work normal hours. Where he could be home with her, play with Jack, help around the house. Where he could be the average American husband. And yet, she knew it wouldn't happen. He couldn't be the average American husband. Not after what he had done, not after what he had seen. She knew it. She was as smart as she was beautiful, and he could never blame her.
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
After she had died, he'd thought a lot about what he could have done different. He could have used his sick days, his vacation time. Maybe if he had, she wouldn't have divorced him, maybe they would still be a family. She would still be alive to smile at him, he would still hear her laugh. She would run around the house with Jack. And, even if the end result it was the same, he could have said 'I love you' a few more times. He could have gone to bed, and felt her warm body beside his, for a little while longer.
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance
In the end, Hotch was faced with the truth that there would never be another Haley. He was sure there were women out there who were beautiful and intelligent, daring and witty. He even thought there might be a woman out there whom he could love and would love him in return. Yet, none of them would be Haley. Hotch could hold another woman in his arms, he had the potential to love another woman but none of them would be his wife, the love of his life. None of them would have her smile, her laugh. None of those women would wrap her arms around him the way she had and whisper 'I love you' in her voice.
Hotch, looking back, might have changed many things about his life. He could have changed how much he worked, how he treated her at times. He might have bitten back some of the crueler words that had flown from his lips during argument. He would definitely stop the divorce; keep her and Jack safe in his arms. But there was one thing that he could never regret and that was marrying Haley. He would never take back the years he had spent loving her; having her love him in return. He would miss her every day of his life, and regret the ending. He would visit her grave, watch his tears fall on her headstone and whisper how sorry he was and that he loved her.
He knew, someday, he would return to Haley.
And she would be waiting for him.
So, this one-shot has actually taken me a long time to write. The beginning was written like three years ago and I lost the story and I recently found a finished it. R&R please,
~TLL~