Thanks to everyone who reviewed Phobia! You all rock so hard I can't see.
So, this came from a discussion my little brother and I had. He wanted to know what they did on the TARDIS for fun and he wouldn't accept the answer: "they go to alien worlds, weirdo". Thusly, we decided that they must play human games, since the Doctor would probably think they were brilliant. :3
This is going to be multi-chaptered, but they'll also be oneshots, so don't try to look for any sort of plot connectivity.
Summary: Jack and the Doctor make a wager involving a game of chess. Slight AU, check Phobia if you don't know who Ari is.
Rating: Still T for Tremendous
Pairing: Doctor/Jack
Disclaimer: (covered in third degree burns) I swear on my life, on my soul! I own all of this! This is all mine!!! (Firey pits of Hell open up and consume me)
Point and Match--Chess
Today was no ordinary day. No, today was certainly, by far, without a doubt, not an ordinary day. Today, on a fine little ship called the TARDIS, was the day that Captain Jack Harkness, playboy extraordinaire and resident immortal human being, was going to beat the Doctor, alien genius with an eccentric fashion sense, at a game of chess.
Being the omniscient and all powerful narrator, I can see that some of you out there are wondering quietly to yourselves: how the bloody hell is Captain Jack Harkness going to beat the Doctor at a game of chess? I can also see that a few of you have fallen out of your chairs laughing from the irony and, just to warn you, there is a seventy-five percent chance of concussion, so you may want to have that lump on your noggin checked before you die from internal hemorrhaging.
But I digress! Returning to our sex-deprived, Doctor-lusting Jack, we review the circumstances. For the past six months, Jack and the Doctor had been engaging in chess matches. The Doctor found them pleasantly distracting as they whiled away the long hours of boredom on the TARDIS waiting for some calamity to occur or some interesting planet to explode onto the computer screens. Jack, however, saw them as grueling matches to the death with his prize sitting opposite him reminding him that no, the Rook can't go diagonal and I'm fairly sure the King does not want to get it on with the Bishop.
You see, the Doctor and Jack had made a bet those six months ago. It had been a silly thing, brought on by Jack's attempts, who was, by the record, only slightly drunk, to woo the Doctor into his bed for the night. The Doctor, adorable little alien that he was, refused outright whilst blushing and threatening Jack's manly bits with the sonic screwdriver, which had, regrettably, become a much more common occurrence. Affronted, put out, and restraining a libido the size of Montana, Jack proposed a wager. If Jack could beat the Doctor at a game of chess, the Doctor would let Jack shag him. The Doctor conceded only after adding the term that Jack would, quote "cease and desist your never-ending attempts to take off my pants" unquote, if he could not beat the Doctor within one year of the bet. Jack agreed. It wasn't the smartest thing the Captain had ever done, but he was, after all, only slightly drunk.
So, for the last six months, Jack had been ground into the dust repeatedly, failing miserably at each match despite his improving skills. But Jack wasn't going to be playing with just skills today. Oh no, Jack Harkness was going to be playing dirty, and that was why he was going to win.
At precisely three PM, Jack was waiting with the chess board set up while Ari, The-Randomly-Picked-Up-Boy-With-A-Demon-Possessed-Shadow, was readying to make tea, simply because tea makes everything better and can soothe the headaches induced by Jack's patented "Failure-Wails". The Doctor ambled in, grin plastered firmly on his face as he took a seat opposite the Captain.
"So, you're up for another round already, Jack?" he queried. "I thought you'd still be put out about yesterday's loss."
"Not today, Doctor," Jack affirmed, gesturing for the Doctor to make his first move. "Why be bothered by a loss yesterday when I'm going to win today?"
"You're sure of that, then?" the Doctor replied, eyebrow arched delicately as he edged a pawn forward.
Ari strode over and took a seat nearby, watching the game with some degree of fascination. He had no idea why Jack was so hell bent on beating the Doctor, but it was always fun to watch his face when the Doctor had made a particularly excellent move. Not only did it contort unnaturally, it turned funny colors too.
But today, it was the Doctor whose face seemed to be performing a Cirque Du Soleil routine. Three bad moves later, the Doctor slammed a palm against the table and full out glared at Jack.
"Captain Jack Whatever-Your-Middle-Name-Is-I-Don't-Know-It-So-I'll-Say-Mildred Harkness!"
"Mildred?" Jack echoed, amused.
"Yes, that's your new middle name," the Doctor said, waving off his words with his non-slamming hand. "But that isn't the point. The point is that I want you to stop doing that thing you're doing!" Jack blinked once, twice, and then smirked.
"What thing would that be, Doctor?" The Time Lord's face turned an interesting shade of rose before he made an attempt to speak.
"THAT!"
"What is 'that', Doctor?" Ari noted that Jack's smirk grew wider and wondered momentarily on why Stan was giggling so maniacally in the back of his shadow.
"That thing you're doing!"
"And what is that 'thing', Doctor? You'll have to be more specific than that."
"THAT! That thing! You're doing it again! Stop it!"
"It sounds like you're whining, Doctor."
"I'm not whining!"
"He's whining," Stan deadpanned from within Ari's shadow, golden eyes blinking lazily under the chair.
"No one asked you, you parasitic entity!" the Doctor snapped, turning his glare upon Ari's chair.
"Parasitic entity!? No speaks to the Great Evil King Stan like that! Slave! Slave, get up and teach that man a lesson! Slave!" Ari stood up, cast his companions an apologetic look, and marched straight out of the main room and into the connecting hallway.
"Slave…? SLAVE! That is not the correct direction! Turn around this instant! I command you to go back and teach that insolent fashion disaster a lesson! Do you hear me?! Slave! Listen to me when I—"
The TARDIS, ever the fantastic and devoted ship she is, was, and shall be, made the walls soundproof and the game continued.
Jack, of course, also continued with his dirty tactics. A slight movement there and…voila! The Doctor flinched a little as he attempted to move his Pawn to take Jack's poorly placed Bishop; he missed and placed it up one square into the path of a Knight instead.
"Knock. It. Off," he ground out, teeth clenched as Jack took the ill-starred Pawn readily.
"Knock what off, Doctor?"
"Oh, don't you even think of starting that again!" the alien scowled. "Now stop it before I have to tie you down and castrate you with my screwdriver."
"Kinky," Jack replied, smirk growing ever wider. The Doctor groaned, making another bad move as Jack continued to distract him.
"You're impossible!" he shrieked, hardly noting what piece he picked up and where he put it. "Fine then! I'll say it! Captain Jack Mildred Harkness, for all that is decent, holy, and not-Dalek, stop rubbing your foot against my leg!" Jack grinned, giving the Cheshire Cat a run for his money, as he shifted the position of his Bishop.
"Oh fine, if you insist," Jack conceded, tucking his legs under his chair serenely. "By the way, checkmate."
"Checkmate!? No way, you're lying!" the Doctor protested, eyes frantically searching the board. Lo and behold, his King was entrapped by a Bishop, a Knight, and, of all things, a Pawn. "Y-You cheated! If you hadn't been distracting me—"Jack clucked his tongue and laughed, reverting to his All-Powerful Smirk.
"I thought you would have been able to concentrate even with that minimal distraction," Jack purred. "Apparently I was wrong. I seem to have excited you much more than a mere distraction could have."
"I-I-I'm sensitive," the Doctor stammered, flushing heavily as Jack continued to smirk.
"Oh? Well, I'll remember that when you pay up on our wager. Mental Note Number 306: Time Lords are also sensitive on their shins, apparently."
"'Also'?!" the Doctor gaped. "How many weird observations have you made?"
"As of now, 306."
"You're incorrigible."
"I also don't know what that means." Jack smiled. "So, Doctor, join me for dinner this Friday and we'll work on your half of the wager then." The Doctor rolled his eyes, finally gave in, and smiled as he leaned across the board to offer a small peck onto Jack's nose.
"Well, at least you're going to buy me a drink first."