I thought I would try a change of pace in my story-telling by writing a light-hearted story....Stalag 13 style. Also, I do not own the characters of Hogan's Heroes, but I do own the DVD set and watch them daily.
A/N: After much alcohol and giggling late one night with my friend Jennaya, and with the men of Barracks 2, the following silliness was a product of that night.
Anything For a Laugh
Chapter 1 --- A Mismatched Pairing
Laying on the lower bunk with hands clasped behind his head, Hogan thought about it some more. He had been going over it in his mind for several days, hoping everything would work out the way he wanted. A lopsided grin suddenly appeared on his face. Hogan now knew exactly what he was going to do. It's perfect, he told himself.
Hogan swung his legs over the side of the bunk and got to his feet. He grabbed his crush cap off his desk, put it on his head, and pushed it back. He zipped his bomber jacket half-way before leaving his quarters. First he had to make contact with London and place his order and make sure they could deliver it.
Leaving his quarters, he noticed LeBeau, Carter and Newkirk busy playing gin rummy. He didn't respond to their greetings as he strode past them and, approaching the double bunk in the corner, struck the hidden mechanism and waited for the lower bunk to rise and the ladder to drop. When they did, he stepped over the bedframe and disappeared down the ladder leaving his men staring after him.
"What's wrong with the Colonel?" asked LeBeau, curious. "He didn't even acknowledge us saying hello to him."
Newkirk shrugged. "He has been kinda withdrawn lately," he replied picking up a card Carter had discarded. "But I wouldn't worry about it none. Seems the Gov'nor's just got something on his mind is all. He'll discuss it when and if he's ready." He laid his cards on the table. "Gin," he replied with a wide grin. Carter and LeBeau tossed their cards on the table while giving the Englander a dirty look. Newkirk chuckled as he reshuffled the cards.
Reaching the landing, Hogan made his way to the radioroom where he found his radioman, Sergeant James Kinchloe, known as Kinch to his friends, lying on the bunk he kept in the radioroom when he was monitoring the radio. Kinch was reading a magazine and didn't see Hogan at first. He put down the magazine upon hearing footsteps and looked up and saw his commanding officer looking down at him. He quickly sat up.
"Can I help you with something, Colonel?" he asked.
Hogan sat down at the radio and held the headset to his ear. "No thanks, Kinch," he replied. "This call I have to make myself. But I would appreciate it if you would leave for a few minutes. This call is kinda personal."
Puzzled, Kinch slowly got to his feet. He found himself staring at Hogan with a concerned expression. "Sure, Colonel. If that's what you want."
Hogan looked into Kinch's eyes. "That's what I want, Kinch," he answered with a serious look on his face.
Shrugging, Kinch tossed the magazine on the bunk before heading out of the radioroom.
"Kinch?"
The radioman stopped at the opening of the radioroom and looked back. "Yeah, Colonel?"
"Kinch....Newkirk, Carter and LeBeau are upstairs. Could you make certain none of them comes down here for the next, say....fifteen minutes?"
At this point Kinch didn't know whether to be concerned, frightened or puzzled. All he knew was his commanding officer was being more mysterious than was usual for him. "If that's what you want, Colonel. No problem."
"That's what I want. Thanks."
"Colonel, is something wrong? Are you all right? Maybe I could help somehow?"
Hogan let out a deep breath. "No, Kinch. You can't help. Not this time. None of you can. And don't look so worried. Nothing's wrong. Just do what I asked."
"Sure, Colonel." Kinch exited the radioroom and made his way towards the landing. He climbed up the ladder leading to the entrance of the barracks. Stepping over the bedframe, he struck the mechanism and watched the lower bunk drop over the opening. Then, with a concerned and puzzled look on his face, sat down at the table where Newkirk was lighting a cigarette.
"Something buggin' you, mate?" he asked, concerned.
"I'm not sure," Kinch replied. He looked at the trio. "Have any of you noticed anything different about Colonel Hogan today?"
"Different?" asked LeBeau. "What do you mean by different?"
"Well, maybe strange is a better word," Kinch remarked.
"What d'ya mean by strange?" asked Carter with a sheepish grin.
"It's hard to explain," Kinch remarked. "Like not wanting anybody to know what he's doing."
"What's so strange about that?" asked LeBeau with a chuckle. "Sounds like the Colonel is in one of his moods today. He probably has something on his mind."
Kinch's eyes narrowed. "No, that's not it. I think something's going on with him this time and he's not saying what it is. He just asked me to leave the tunnel and make sure neither you, Carter or Newkirk came down into the tunnels for about fifteen minutes. Said he had a personal phone call to make."
"That doesn't sound like Colonel Hogan," chimed in Carter.
"Did you ask the Gov'nor what was wrong?" asked Newkirk, worry starting to creep onto his face.
"Sure I did. All he said was nothing was wrong." Kinch clasped his hands on top of the table. "But I'm tellin' you right here and now. Something's either really bugging the Colonel, or something's wrong with him."
There was a long moment of silence as Kinch's last sentence hit home.
"Do you think Colonel Hogan's sick?" asked Carter softly. "I mean really sick?"
"Couldn't be," replied LeBeau. "We all just had physical exams by Wilson two weeks ago. We would know if the Colonel was ill."
"Would we?" asked Kinch, looking at the Frenchman. "Don't you remember? Right after his exam the Colonel spoke privately with Wilson. He never did tell us what the conversation was about. Maybe Wilson discovered something and told the Colonel what he found."
"And the Gov'nor either can't find a way to tell us or won't tell us," Newkirk added. A look of determination appeared on his face. "Mates, I say when the Colonel gets back we confront him and find out if he's really sick or not. And we don't let up until he tells us."
The men suddenly fell silent as the lower bunk raised and the ladder dropped down. A minute later, Hogan emerged from the tunnel. Stepping back into the barracks, he struck the hidden mechanism and watched the ladder rise as the bunk dropped over the opening. He then grabbed his coffee cup from the window sill and proceeded to pour himself a cup of hot coffee.
LeBeau nudged Newkirk and motioned with his head towards Hogan. The Englander licked his dry lips and slowly got to his feet. "Uh, Colonel Hogan, we'd like to speak with you for a moment."
"Sure. What's up?" asked Hogan taking a sip of his coffee.
"Well, sir, it's like this. We've all noticed you've been acting strangely of late and have been since we all had our annual exams by Wilson. And, we were just wondering....that is.... what we mean is...."
"Are you sick, Colonel? I mean really sick?" asked Carter, fear showing in his eyes.
Hogan's eyebrows shot upward. "What makes you fellas think I'm sick?"
"Well, Colonel, right after you had your exam you and Wilson spoke privately," said Kinch. "And when we asked you about it afterwards you sorta brushed us off and said it was nothing."
"And we were wondering if Wilson found something wrong with you during your exam," added LeBeau. "We're concerned about you, mon Colonel. If something is wrong, perhaps we can help."
"What he said, sir," chimed in Newkirk.
Hogan took a long draught of coffee to avoid chuckling. "I'm not sick. I've never felt better. I was asking Wilson something personal is all. Satisfied?"
"Then if you're not sick, Colonel," Kinch said, "Then why are you being so secretive like asking me to leave the tunnels and keep the others out of the tunnels when you had to make a radio call? If something's wrong, maybe we can help if you'd just open up to us."
Hogan sighed. "You can't help, Kinch. None of you can help. This is something I have to handle myself." He turned and started towards his quarters, but paused for a moment and looked back. "Before I forget. Newkirk, tomorrow night at 2200 hours, I need you, Carter and LeBeau to go out through the emergency tunnel and pick up a small package that's being delivered by air drop."
"Sure, Colonel," Newkirk replied.
"Thanks. Oh, and make sure you bring it back to me right away."
"Right, sir," Newkirk added. "Colonel?"
"What is it Newkirk?" Hogan asked, slightly annoyed.
"Are you telling us the truth, sir? That you're not sick. Because if you are and can't find a way to tell us...."
Hogan shook his head. "For the last time, I am not sick. I'm fine. Now, if you gentlemen will excuse me...." Hogan turned and disappeared into his quarters, closing the door behind him.
Newkirk slowly sat back down and looked at the others as they all exchanged worried looks.
"What do you all think?" he asked. "You think the Gov'nor was tellin' us the truth about not being sick?"
"Hard to say," added LeBeau.
"Colonel Hogan wouldn't admit it even if he was," Carter replied.
"Well...." Kinch said, rubbing his chin. "Whether the Colonel's sick or not, something's going on with him. And until he's ready to tell us what it is, we'll just have to wait."
Hogan grinned as he sat down at his desk. He tossed his crush cap onto the desk and ran a hand over his thick black hair. If they only knew the real reason I'm acting so oddly, Hogan told himself with a chuckle. Wait until they see what's in that package London's dropping tomorrow night. In fact, Hogan was a bit surprised when London agreed to his request. But then again, they knew Hogan and his men got bored when things were quiet as they were of late.
The following night, Carter, Newkirk and LeBeau climbed out of the tree stump which was the exit/entrance for their emergency tunnel. They immediately hid in the bushes as the searchlight from the guard tower outside Stalag 13 scanned the area. After it had passed by, the trio, dressed in black turtlenecks, trousers, knit caps, and with grease smeared on their faces for camouflage, hurried to the rendezvous place. Hiding in the bushes, Newkirk looked through his binoculars until he spotted the plane.
"I see the plane," he whispered. "There's the signal. Two white, one blue, two white. Give 'em the reply, Louie."
Using his flashlight, LeBeau flashed their response. Newkirk watched as a small parachute attached to a package was tossed from the plane and landed across the road from where they were hidden.
"Let's go," Newkirk told them.
The trio hurried across the road and found the small package dangling from a low tree branch with the parachute tangled on a tree branch. Newkirk untied the small package which was the size of a paperback novel.
"Blimey," he remarked. "The Gov'nor wasn't kidding when he said it was small."
"What do you think's in it?" asked Carter. "Medicine, perhaps?"
"Well, whatever it is, we'd better get it back to the Colonel right away like he asked," Newkirk reminded them. "Now let's go."
It took the trio only thirty minutes to get back to camp and into the barracks. Newkirk knocked on Hogan's closed door and waited. After a long minute, the door opened and Hogan stood in the doorway.
"Here's your package, Colonel," Newkirk replied handing Hogan the small bundle.
"Thanks, Newkirk," Hogan replied taking the package from him and then closing the door again.
Newkirk, looking over his shoulder at the others who were all seated at the table, could see the worry on their faces and knew they all felt the same way he was feeling. Something was definitely wrong. He slowly joined the others and sat down.
"I'm afraid I don't know what to think, mates," he said pulling the wool cap off his head glumly.
"Did the Colonel say anything, Newkirk, when you handed him that package?" asked LeBeau.
"Yeah. He said, 'Thanks Newkirk.' And that was the extent of the conversation."
Just then, the door to Hogan's quarters opened and the Colonel emerged from his room with a grin on his face. He approached the table and laid the package on the table before sitting down. He noticed his men staring at him with concern.
"I figured I was being selfish by keeping this to myself and should let you fellas in on it." He hastily unwrapped the package to reveal a box. Opening the box, there was a smaller box inside. Removing the small box, Hogan opened it to reveal a diamond ring. He held it up for each man to see. He heard the 'ooohhhs' and 'aaahhhs' from them.
"Tiger is going to be so excited, mon Colonel," said LeBeau. "We are so happy for you both."
"Why didn't you tell us you were going to ask Tiger to marry you, sir?" asked Newkirk with a smile.
"That's because this engagement ring isn't for Tiger," Hogan admitted.
The men all looked at each other, surprise crossing their faces.
"Not for Tiger, mon Colonel?" asked LeBeau. "Then who is it for? Tiger's been the only one you've been serious about."
"This ring is for Marya. I'm going to ask her to marry me when she comes here in a week from now."
He looked at his men and noticed the shock on their faces. All except for LeBeau. The shock on his face had turned to stunned disbelief.
"Colonel, you can't do this!" he jumped to his feet, raising his voice. "You know how I feel about her! You don't love her!"
Hogan raised his eyebrows in surprise. "LeBeau, I suggest you refrain from raising your voice at me. I am your commanding officer after all. And as far as Marya is concerned, she sort of grows on a man. And well...." Hogan grinned slyly. "...she sorta grew on me. So, when she shows up I will pop the question and hopefully, she'll say yes."
LeBeau was beside himself. He stomped around the floor. "You can't do this! It isn't fair, mon Colonel! You don't love her! I do!" He stared at Hogan thumping his own chest with his fist. "She is mine! I won't let you have her!"
Newkirk and Kinch looked at each other. "Louie, take it easy," Newkirk replied. "you're going around the bend on this."
LeBeau turned his stare on Newkirk. "I don't care! Marya loves me. I know she does! And I love her! The Colonel has no right taking her away from me!"
"LeBeau, take it easy, mate," said Newkirk calmly.
"NO! And don't tell me to take it easy! He can't have her! I won't let him!" With that, LeBeau turned and stormed out of the barracks, slamming the door behind him. The others watched him leave. As he watched, Hogan did his best to hide the smile that was inside from showing.