I don't want to go to school. I've never really wanted to. But before, my reason for not going to school was because I found it boring. Now it's different. It isn't the school in itself that is the problem. It's the people – my friends. I don't want to go to school, because my friends are there.
Have you ever committed a crime, and regret doing it? Have you ever wanted to make your mistakes invisible? I have. And I feel horrible, I just want to throw something in a mirror, so it breaks. I am actually hating – on myself. The usual me smiles all the time and laughs with friends. But now, I find it so hard just to bring out a simple smile. I don't know what to do actually, but I don't want to meet with the others. I can't keep on lying to them everyday.
Even though I think all this, I go to school. My mental me told me that it is my duty to go, not just as a student, but also as a friend. School is obliged. "But it's so boring!" I pout.
"Even if you say that, you're here – on the way to school." Mio says as she pulls me after her. "You can't do this everyday, Ritsu!" She sighs.
Mio. My childhood friend. Gods know for how long I've known her – it feels like an eternity. But I know that isn't true, it's impossible. "Mio?" I smile.
She doesn't answer. She just turns around and looks at me, as if saying yes, what?
"Do you know how long we have known each other?" I ask.
"Really Ritsu? We need to go now – we need to be there in ten minutes!" She grabs my coat and pulls me after her again. "Argh, this is so like you! You really don't want to go huh?"
I get angry. "Stop pulling me! I know how to walk." I shout. And regret as Mio stops. "I'm sorry! I don't know where that came from…"
Mio turns around. She has a worried look in her eyes. "Ritsu. Is something troubling you?"
"What do you mean?" I must confess. I am actually really good at acting. Compared to Mio who s-stutters all the time.
"Well. You kind of seem… I mean, I don't know if it's just me or if the others have noticed as well, but lately you have been w-weird… Or you're always weird, but not like this. It's like when you're smiling, it seems fake–"
I cut her off. "What? First of all – I am not weird! Second…" I pause. "We need to go to school!" I surprise her when I suddenly run past her.
"H-hey! Wait." Mio runs after me.
I don't like running away. But I don't like to lie either. So I do both.
I arrive. The school looks like it always does. Big, old and boring – or B.O.B as I call it.
It hasn't changed. Nothing has, except me. I changed, and I want to come out and tell everyone about it, but I can't.
"Ricchan!" I hear someone say. I don't bother to turn around, I know it's Yui. She jumps in front of me. "And Mio-chan!" she says when Mio comes running.
"Ritsu! You are sooo dead!" Mio is a demon. I mean, she has to be? There is no realistic explanation for a human to get so angry in the morning. I receive a bump on my head.
"Cruel! Mio-chan is cruel!" I pout. "I ran because I wanted to get here in time…" I fake a pointless cry.
"Please grow up." And that proves it! Mio is definitively a demon. No human can say that to its best friend in such a way as Mio.
"No! Ricchan don't grow up! You need to stay childish." Yui said with a worrying look.
"What is that supposed to mean!?" I grab her cheeks and pull them. Thus making Yui cry for help in a strange way.
"It means Ricchan, that we want you to never change, because we love you." Mugi enters.
It is supposed to be touching. And it is, but it touches something sad inside of me. While Mio is getting all embarrassed from Mugi's speech and Yui all happy, I find myself thinking deeply about it. They don't want me to change because they love me – but I have changed. This – all I'm doing right now, is all acting. It's fake, and I'm lying to them… They don't actually love me anymore. It's over.
"Thanks Mugi, I love you too," I say bluntly, but expressionless. It probably looks like I'm using sarcasm, but I don't. I'm just sad. "but we need to go to class now." I walk in a poor and weak way from them.
The others look at me. They know something is wrong. They must, I mean, I'm shuffling like a soulless or lifeless being, so they better know. Well, I'm not expecting anything from Yui. Strangely and sadly no one asks me. It's actually more a relief, than it's sad though.
I just sit there. There in class. I just sit. I'm not thinking, moving or doing anything at all, besides sitting. It's weird and uncomfortable, but it's also happening. Then I do something else; I watch. I see lots of heads, I see a woman – it's Sawako, and she is writing English letters on the blackboard. I read them. I am, you are, he she it is, we are, you are, they are. The next thing I do is closing my eyes and listen. I hear all the sounds around me. Pencils being used, scratching, heavy, but deaf sounds from the walls, and some whispering, and I think Sawako is writing on the blackboard with the chalk.
I breathe inn, and out. I close all my senses, except feeling. I put my hands on the table, and touch it lightly with my hands. It's neither cold nor warm. I stretch all my fingers, and then I breathe inn and out again. I open all my senses and I finally relax.
The bell rings, almost everyone leaves the classroom, but I don't move as I usually do. I don't care about going to the club and meet with the others anymore. It seems so distant. I mean, it's like it's in the past – they are my previous life. I used to be honest all the time and I had nothing to hide or worry about. But now I have.
"Ritsu," I hear Mio say. "I saw you in class… tell me… what is wrong?" She puts her hands over mine. Her hands are warm. They are bigger than mine and I feel trapped. "Mio…" I finally say as I slowly raise my head so I can look her in her eyes. I want to say it. I really want to say it. And I do open my mouth, but my eyes desperately wants to burst out too, so I close my mouth so I can bite my lip to hold my tears back.
"Ritsu!" Mio's grip tightens. She bends down. "Ritsu!" She says one more time. "Please tell me. Can't I do anything for you?" She looks at me yearning for my answer. I still fight, I really want to tell her, but I need to run away. This is a shock for Mio, to see me in this state. And the top of that, she doesn't know why – my best friend doesn't know why I'm crying.
Time goes. I'm thankful for this to happen in an empty classroom at break. All my classmates, besides Mio are somewhere else. But Mio, you are here holding my hands, even when you don't know. I taste iron, so I stop biting and I let a single tear out. My head is bent down so she can't see the tear run down my cheek, but when a dark circle appears in the wooden table, the grip tightens even more.
She is here. Mio is here for me. Should I tell her everything? Is it now or never? My eyes fight more, and it's getting harder to hold back. I don't want the tears to escape, but some do, and now, my voice also fights me. I whimper. My whole body wants to break free and I start to sob. I never knew when this day would come – when I and not Mio was the one who was crying. I never knew I would ever feel this kind of pain. Am I tormenting myself by holding back? Or is it an even bigger torture to speak the truth?
I don't dare to do it after all.
I smile. I'm compelling myself to force a smile to come. I raise my head and shows Mio how okay I am. "I'm okay Mio. Don't think about it. It's nothing, really." I can feel the dry water on my face. I've stopped crying, but I doubt my eyes aren't red. Her grip loosens and I feel relief, but also betrayal.
I look at her hands leaving mine. Don't go. No, it would be easier if you do. But still… Her hands are gone. I feel the urge to cry more. But before I can cry, I feel pain again, but this pain is from something physical. I receive a bump on my head. Looking up, I see Mio's angry face. "Pull yourself together. Why are you crying? I'm usually the one who cries – and that's over nothing. So the reason behind your tears better be something big. And if it is, it's your duty to tell me, so I can fullify mine duty – to be your friend."
It hurts – my bump on my head. And I don't know how to defend myself after such an attack from Mio. Mio won, didn't she? I should tell her. I really should. And if I suffer even more after telling her, I can run away. Yes, I should give it a try…
I stand up and rub my eyes. "Mio." I say and breathe inn. "…I…" Where should I start? Mio looks at me now, right now. I have to do it, but how? Maybe I should just say it. Yes, I should say it as straight as I can. "Mio, I've done something bad. Really… really bad." She is still listening. I'm saying it. "…I–"
The bell interrupts me, and a stream of stupid girls flows inn and ruins everything. I feel like I lost another battle. It looks like Mio feels anger. It really is over. I sit down, I give up, but Mio stands still. I look up at her; she knows that class has started right? "…Mio, just sit down…" I say, not looking at her.
"Akiyama-san, class has already begun. Please take your seat." Sawako says.
"No." Mio says stubbornly. She doesn't turn around still looking at me.
"What? Is there a problem?" Sawako says. Every student turns against Mio, looking at her and wondering what she is doing. It isn't really like Mio to do something unusual like this.
"Yes there is. Sawako, may I… talk with Ritsu outside?" It isn't a question; it's more a statement. And before the teacher answers, Mio pulls me up of my chair and pushes me out of the room. I'm sure all of the students are curious of what Mio is doing.
Outside of the room it's really quiet. I can't hear any sounds, except Mio's foot stomping. I feel awkward. I'm acting out of character. But then again, what is my current character? I look around me, at all of my surroundings. I see the school walls, the windows, the doors, and a pretty annoyed friend. I sigh.
"Mio. Why did you do that?" I look at her as if nothing is wrong.
"Because I'm worried. Because you are acting… you are acting wrong." For some reason, I feel like a mother is scolding me.
"Are you telling me, that I am acting wrong?" How could she? She, who doesn't know anything. "You have no right to say that. First of all, you don't know why I'm behaving like I am. Second, I've changed. Mio, you don't know me anymore." I say harshly and angrily. "So don't talk to me, as if I am acting wrong. THIS IS ME!" I look away. I want her to think about what I said, and I want her to understand that I'm too much of a coward to tell her the whole story.
I can see that she looks at me. And she looks hurt. Now, I'm hurt too. This is exactly what I don't want. I don't want to hurt others anymore. But now it's too late. "Please Mio. Just continue your life without me. I…" I cry without bother to wipe the tears away and I look at her. "…I want to disappear. And I don't care anymore, I just don't care." I say in a calmer tone. I can't really regulate how I speak; it feels like my whole body could break down at any moment soon.
But it isn't me who falls down. Mio, I'm sorry. I leave her alone when I walk away. And I think it's for the best that she doesn't get up and run after me.
Who is the betrayer? Me? I think so. Mio? Maybe. I don't know, but it doesn't even matter anymore. We don't know each other. Mio, I'm sorry.
Every time I try to say it out loud, I fail. I'm just too afraid to admit it. At least outside of my head. Yes, I'm scared of what others would do. How they would react. It may be selfish to never share these worries, but what I did is unacceptable. Mio is not the demon, I am. Mio would never take a life. She is too pure and too good. And I am dirty and evil.
I say that I regret a lot, and that is true. I regret that I enjoyed it.
I can still smell the blood. I can still see the colour red. I can still taste the iron. I can still recall the wild and incredible feeling of it all. I remember it hurt in my cheeks, because I smiled too much. And no one knows, that I desire to do it again. That pleasure I received, I want to experience it again. I want to feel it one more time. But of course, I can't. I would never let myself do something like that again. The feelings I have afterwards are beyond belief. Despair, sorrow, depression, misery, all of them…
But I doubt I would ever be able to stop myself. And someone is going to find out soon that I killed. Rejection is all I have left, and I rather disappear than living in rejection.
In all of my eighteen years, I've never ever had thought that I would even consider thinking about suicide. But lately, I've found myself wondering if I would be able to do it. Could I cut my wrist? Drown myself? Commit suicide by suffocation? Electrocution? Jumping? Hanging? Die in traffic? Poison? I could set myself on fire – immolation? I could always kill myself with starvation or dehydration. I mean, I could even die tomorrow without planning it, but I don't think I have that kind of luck.