Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to us.

"GOSH HERMIONE! you can't sell your body to snape for a PROFIT! that's just not right!" Harry glared at Hermione, his best friend of six years, with a mixture of anger and worry.
Hermione avoided eye contact, " but...but...ron said it was ok!"
"You can't just listen to what ron tells you! What is he? Your pimp?"
Hermione lowered her eyes to the floor...

Suddenly, the door behind burst open. To Harry's horror, it was his arch enemy, Draco Malfoy.
"Hermione,"said Malfoy in his drawling voice, "I am ready for my-"
He stopped in his pink furry bathrobe as he saw Harry there.
"What are you doing here," he snarled.
"What are YOU doing here?" snarled Harry.
"What are YOU doing here?" snarled Malfoy.
And for the next hour, they snarled at each other, in a competition not to just insult each other by repeating the phrase "What are YOU doing here," but also to see who was more "manly" in their snarling.
At last, Harry, the obvious winner and hero, had outsnarled Malfoy.
"Aha!" exclaimed Harry, still snarling, "I, the obvious winner and hero, have outsnarled you, Draco Malfoy!"
Malfoy was shocked. How could he, the snarler, be outsnarled?
"Well," said Malfoy, insult ready at hand, "at least I am 'larger' than you."
"Are not!" scoffed Harry.
"Are too!" scoffed Malfoy cunningly back.
And for the next hour, they scoffed each other, until the obvious winner and hero came up with an ingenious idea.
"How about we find out?" scoffed Harry.
"How?" scoffed Malfoy. "Unless..."
He eyed Harry, and Harry eyed him back. Suddenly, they stared into each other's eyes, and a connection they had never felt before but always knew was there materialized.
"Yes," whispered Harry, "We can find out..."
Harry grabbed Malfoy's hand, and they ran out the door, in quite a hurry. As Harry left, excited, he heard Hermione say "You stole my customer! You will pay for this Harry Potter!"
Suddenly, there was a flash of green light. Harry tugged at Malfoy's(now coyingly called Draco) arm to look where the light was coming from.
It turned out that all this time, Hermione was really Lord Voldemort.
"Mama always told me to shoot the queers," he sneered.

Draco quickly recoils from Harry's (now affectionately, Hot Buns) tender embrace. Seeing the presence of He Who Must Not Be Named, Draco's fingers, still feverishly hot from their previous encounter, fumbled with his robe to cover his exposed chest.

"No! Master! It isn't what it seems! We...I'm...No!...Master...it was...it was..." Suddenly, a transformation took over Draco. Narrowing his eyes, his face hardened with a look of determination. The softened, lovable Draco had again turned into Malfoy.

Malfoy raised his arm, and with one trembling manicured finger, pointed at Harry. "Master, master, he forced me! It was RAPE, master!"

Flabbergasted, Harry stumbled backwards. His mouth fell open in indignation. Harry's eyes, those beautiful, striking, green eyes, widened as he watched the change in his lover. "You...you…you wanted to compare our brains, Malfoy! Lying, conniving, WHORE! "

Suddenly, the tunnel swung open and the fat lady let out a yelp. A boy, no, not a boy, perhaps a man, walked in with platform shoes studded with diamonds. Dressed in velvet robes of rich plum, the top unbuttoned to reveal measly tufts of curly red chest hair, this boy/man puffed on a cigar the size of Harry's calf.

And, knowing the size of Harry's calf, the cigar wasn't very big.
"Step away, Tom."
Voldemort turned, an evil gleam in his eye.
"No one tells Lord Voldemort to step away." Then, with great spite, he said "Ava-"
But suddenly, the man whipped out his cigar, which turned magically(surprise! magic!) into a wand.
"Y tu mama tambien!" he chanted.
And suddenly, in a whirlwind of pink, Voldemort issued a scream. Not just any scream, now. But a high pitched, girl scream. The kind of scream that Jing would make if she was run over by a tractor. Or if her father made her do chemistry for the summer.
And then, he was gone.
"He is gone!" exclaimed Harry.
"He will be back," said the man with the studded slippers. "For now, I will stay."
"Who are you,"asked Harry in an awed, reverent voice.
"I am your father," said the man softly.
"Yes! I knew it! I knew my mother would never marry a jerk like James Potter! Oh god thank you! I am cleared of all my sins!"
"Well," said Malfoy, "not ALL your-"
"Shush my dear. We don't want our new-I mean my new daddy to know..."
The man eyed them carefully. "That's ok. I did it myself. I know what you are going through. I got my catch through Or was it can't remember but..."
Suddenly the door slammed open again.
"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."