It was a little cold when Yuri stepped outside on the balcony. The sun of the September day had set hours ago and now, the chill harbingers of autumn filled the night with a light yet icy breeze. Yuri crossed his arms in front of his chest and looked into the beautiful garden behind the hotel. In contrast to the party that roared inside the room behind him, it was quiet and peaceful – just what he needed right now. Taking a deep breath, Yuri tried to calm his mind but failed. Too much was going on in his head. All the impressions, all the images from the day kept him thinking. In lack of anything else to ease him, he retrieved a pack of cigarettes and a lighter from his trousers. It had been quite a while since had smoked the last time, but just in case, he carried them around every time he left Russia. And today was such a case. He shouldn't have come here in the first place. He had known from the moment he found that letter in his mail that it had been a bad idea. No, even before that. The moment Otabek had invited him to Kazakhstan, he had realised that this would be the worst idea. But something had dragged him here, something had told him that he needed to be there, regardless how much it would hurt. And it did hurt. The whole day – no, already the 5-hour flight had been one of the most painful things he had ever done.

He had known that this day would come. Since he had noticed his true feelings he had known that someday, he would have to burry the last ray of hope that had stayed alive through all those years. It was stupid. He had never stood the slightest chance and still his chest was bursting under the blades of thousands of sharp knifes that hammered through his rips into his heart. Yuri closed his eyes so he didn't have to see the bright stars above him. No cloud dared to cover up the beautiful night sky and although Yuri had always found reassurance and comfort in the small sliver lights, he couldn't stand them right now. Too many memories were linked to their mystic glow. Memories of nights spent below the dark blue carpet and the mesmerising light. Nights full of talks and shared thoughts, nights of silence. Nights in which the words he hadn't dared to say had killed him, eager to be shouted into the worlds, because keeping them inside was devouring him. Nights in which a short sentence might have changed everything, just a few silent words keeping this day from happening.

"Sorry, am I intruding?" A deep voice interrupted Yuri's thoughts.

He didn't need to turn around to know who was standing behind him, still, he did and smiled. At least, he tried.

"No, come here."

Otabek walked up next to him and leant onto the handrail. His steps were a little insecure as he must have been drinking a lot. Like Yuri, he looked into the garden without saying anything. Form the corner of his eye, Yuri noticed that he had closed his eyes. His long lashes gently touched the skin above his cheekbone. The years had added their first light winkles, some incidents had left their scars on his slightly bronzed skin, but nonetheless, Otabek was still handsome. Although he had grown over the past years, Yuri towered over him a few centimetres. His back was even broader than when Yuri had met him, so his button-up shirt was tensing above his muscles. Yuri was able to see the thin lines through the white fabric and an impulsive thought was telling him to lean against it, resting his head right above the place where he could hear Otabek's heartbeat. Gulping down the knot that built in his throat, Yuri turned his eyes to the garden again. If he had ever wanted to do so, the time to do so was over now. Today marked the end of everything that could have been.

When he had exactly fallen in love with Otabek, Yuri couldn't remember. He had been 18 or 19 when he had noticed that their friendship was different. In contrast to all the other people he called 'friends', Otabek had been special to him. He might have been his first actual friend, but Yuri had always felt differently about him despite that. He had been the only one he had wanted to talk to after a long, exhausting day. He had been the only one he had asked for advise on his own accord. Otabek had been the only one he missed when he was alone. And he had been the only one he had dreamed of at night.

At first his dreams had been of a normal, friendship-based origin, but soon their theme had changed. Since then, Yuri had been extremely conscious about Otabek. Every time he had called, Yuri's hands had started trembling. Every time they had met, his heart was beating like crazy and after they had said good-bye, it had hurt like it had never done before. It had taken quite a while for him to understand that he had fallen in love with his best friend, but since he had noticed his feelings, it had been hard to keep them a secret. He hadn't been afraid of telling Otabek, because he wouldn't have hated him despite not feelings the same way. Yuri had been afraid of being rejected, of changing something about their relationship. It had been nerve-wrecking and it had hurt more than he had expected, but this way, he was able to stay close to Otabek – even if it wasn't in the way he wanted to. Yet no matter how much time had passed, Yuri still wondered every single day what might have been if he had confessed.

"It's a great party. You guys really know how to celebrate," Yuri tried to break the silence as it was extremely uncomfortable.

Otabek surely thought of it as refreshing, regarding the booming of the basses and the voices from inside, but for Yuri, it made his thoughts circle around in his head. With every minute he became more and more conscious of the Kazakh right next to him as the heat of his body radiated around him. He was so full of Otabek's presence, it nearly swallowed him up.

"Yes, isn't it." Otabek mumbled, his eyes still closed. "It's relieving after those last weeks. I can tell you: if I had known that planning a wedding would be so exhausting, I wouldn't have proposed in the first place." The Kazakh laughed, but Yuri only faked a smile.

'If I had only told you…' he thought.

"But I'm glad everything worked out as Natalia had planned. She really put her heart into this day." Otabek's opened his eyes and his glance went soft and warm, leading thousands of small needles prick into Yuri's heart. No matter how often he had heard this name, the pain it caused him hadn't decreased over the years.

Yuri still remembered the time when he had first heard this name. He still remembered how happy Otabek's voice had sounded back then. When he had called Yuri the day after their first date, his voice had been shaking in excitement.

"It was amazing. When I asked her out, I was just fascinated by how beautiful she was, but now that we had time to talk, I realised how perfect she is. She's really smart, you know. And witty. Sometimes, she reminded me a bit of you. I guess that's also a reason why I already like her so much, although we just spent one afternoon together. I thought it would be a bit embarrassing if we had nothing to talk about since we didn't know anything about each other, but we talked the whole time. About our jobs and books and movies and music. God, she's got such a beautiful voice. It's so soft and when she said my name I thought my heart would explode. I guess, I really like Natalia."

This was probably the first time Yuri had believed that dying from pain was actually possible. As the good friend that he was, he congratulated Otabek and told him how happy he was for him, but deep inside, every word the Kazakh had said had pulled and teared at his stomach, his lungs, his heart. Every breath he had taken, he had been sure his chest would break open and reveal the leftovers of his heart, stabbed into pieces by the joy and happiness in Otabek's voice.

Since then, Yuri had learnt to life with the constant pain. He had become used to it. He faked a smile and luckily, everybody fell for it.

"Yes, she really did a great job," Yuri whispered and brought his cigarette to his lips. Inhaling deeply, he looked into the garden again.

It had been quite a while since he and Otabek had had time to talk in peace without ending up discussing things for the wedding. The last time they had been together on their own was surely a few years ago and suddenly, Yuri realised how weird it felt being alone with his friend. Yes, they had been talking on the phone, but standing right next to his friend without anyone else around them brought up thoughts and feelings he had been sealing deep inside.

"So…what made you come outside? Already tired of your wife?" – 'Please, say yes.'

Otabek laughed. "As if I could ever be tired of her. No, I just needed some fresh air. I'm obviously not able to hold my drinks as much as the rest of my family."

Both of them fell quiet and Yuri tried to forget about what he had just thought.

"And what are you doing outside? Fleeing from the crowd like always?"

"Hm..." Yuri mumbled.

This was partly true. After all those years, he still hated being stuffed into a room with hundreds of other people, but the true reason was completely different. After the whole day of being shown what he would never have, he hadn't been able to stand the sight of Otabek and his newly wedded wife anymore.

"You haven't changed at all," Otabek laughed. "I'm glad you came anyways. It wouldn't have been the same if you weren't here, you know."

"Well, I couldn't say no after you asked me to be your best man, could I?"

"You could have, but I hoped you wouldn't. I really wanted to have you next to me on one of the most important days of my life. Since you're still busy skating, we hardly see each other anymore. And then there is your boyfriend, too... By the way, where's Jelisej?"

Yuri was glad Otabek had changed the topic. Although the Kazakh was his best friend, he had really considered saying no to his request. Not because he didn't want to, but because he hadn't been sure if he was able to survive this day.

"Probably on the dance floor with one of your sisters."

Otabek said nothing for a while.

"You're still not into dancing, are you?" he suddenly asked.

"Not at all. I don't really get what people like about it so much."

Yuri had always hated dancing. Not ballroom dancing and neither ballet. He hated the kind where people just moved to the music, following the beat without any line or structure. There were no rules to follow, to technique to hold onto. The only key was to let go and immerse into the music, something Yuri had never been able to do.

"Do you remember the one time we danced?"

"Hm?" Yuri didn't look at Otabek.

"I believe it was Victor's birthday. I've tried to persuade you all night. It took more than three hours and at least one bottle of vodka for you to dance with me at least once."

"Oh that time. Yeah, I vaguely remember. It was pretty embarrassing."

How could Yuri ever forget about this night. It was true, he had been more than unwilling to step unto the dance floor, but Otabek hadn't given up. When Yuri had finally stopped resisting, he had taken his hand and had led him into the middle of the crowd. Both hands resting on his hips he had gently guided Yuri, teaching him how to move without talking to him. Yuri still remembered that night lively. He remembered how Otabek's hands had felt on his skin, how his breath had caressed his neck. He remembered who his body had moved against Yuri's and how deeply he had look him straight in the eye. But every time he did, his throat tensed and his chest was clenching, like a black hole inside his heart soaked everything into a void. That was the real reason he didn't dance. With no one.

"Really? I don't think so. Instead, I really thought you were a great dancer. What a shame Jelisej is going to miss this. I bet you guys would draw all eyes on you. I mean, he knows how to move his body just as much as you do."

Yuri flinched. "It's not that he didn't try, but it's just not my thing."

For a while, both of they stayed silent.

"Honestly, I'm still amazed that the two of you are still together," Otabek suddenly said. "You never managed to stay with somebody for longer than few weeks. And you're both so different. Don't get me wrong, I really like him. He's a great guy, but when I met him for the first time I never thought you'd stay together for…what is it now?"

"2 years."

"Already? Wow…how time flies. I still remember when you introduced him to me when Natascha and I came to St. Petersburg. He didn't seem like your type at all."

Yuri didn't answer right away. It wasn't easy to find words that were the truth without saying too much.

"When I met him, I was having a rough time. His overly positive attitude was annoying, but it distracted me and I was grateful to have somebody who was just trying to make me feel better. He's not like that all the time. I guess that's why I didn't kill him so far. He can be very calm and he takes good care of me. I'm pretty lucky to have him."

"Yeah, I noted you've changed a lot since you met him. In a good way. I must admit, I worried a lot about you back then. You really seemed to be troubled and every time we met, you had lost more weight. I felt so guilty for not being able to be there for you more often."

"You didn't need to. We both have jobs that keep us busy." Yuri turned to Otabek who was looking at him with a pained face. 'If you had been there, it would probably have gotten even worse,' Yuri thought.

When he had met Jelisej, Yuri had been at his lowest. It had been one or two years after Otabek had started dating Natalia and at first, he had really been sure he was able to handle it. That had changed after he had met her for the first time. Somehow, he had always managed to evade that day. Every time, Otabek had invited him to Kazakhstan, Yuri had made sure that she was out of the country. He had tried everything to not have to see them together, but it was clear that he wouldn't be able to run away from this forever. One day, Yuri remembered it clearly, Otabek had brought her to Russia to finally met his best friend as he had said. To see him so happy by her side had killed Yuri. The whole day, he had kept up his façade, but as soon as he was alone, everything shattered into pieces. After having dinner together, Yuri went to a bar on his own to drown himself in alcohol. But before he had even been able to order a drink, he couldn't hold the dinner he had stuffed inside, besides already feeling sick, in anymore. Running to the closest toilet, he had vomited everything out until he hadn't even any strength left to get up again. Suddenly, somebody had knocked at his door and cautiously opened it. "I'm sorry to bother, but do you need any help?"

The best thing about Jelisej had been that he hadn't asked any questions. He didn't even now. Somehow, he had instinctively known that Yuri didn't want to talk about what had happened. Yuri had just told him that he had been in love and the person he loved was happy with someone else. He wasn't sure if his boyfriend suspected this person to be Otabek, but if he did, he had never said anything. And Yuri was thankful for this. Talking about it out loud would just open those wounds once more.

"Wait…You said you thought he wasn't my type. What to you think is my type?" Yuri suddenly asked out of curiosity. If he had only kept his mouth shut.

Otabek lifted his head and stared into the sky.

"Honestly, I always hoped I was your type."

Yuri turned towards him, pretty convinced that he had misheard.

"What?"

Otabek sighed deeply and leant back, his arms stretched out as he was still holding onto the handrail.

"I guess, I can tell you now. I had a huge crush on you when we were younger."

"What?" Yuri's heart stopped beating and he felt like someone had punched him in the face.

"I guess it was from the moment I first met you. Back then in that ballet class."

"You're drunk, Beka. You don't know what you are saying."

"Yes, I'm drunk, but that doesn't mean I can't tell the truth. But to be frank, I didn't just have a crush on you. I was seriously in love with you. You're eyes caught me the first time I looked into them and when we met again 8 years later…I still remember how much it hit me."

Otabek laughed, scratching his neck in slight embarrassment, but Yuri didn't feel like laughing. Instead, he would have rather vomited. His stomach was cramping heavily, pulling his legs, his arms, his heart together.

"I never thought you would even talk to me, so when we became friends, it felt like a dream come true. I had never expected us to get along so well. You texted me, we talked on the phone and in no time, you became the best friend I have ever had. I felt like you knew me for years, although it had only been me who had been following you all this time from afar. I could talk to you about everything, you would just listen. With every call, with every time we met, I realised more and more that I didn't want to be just a friend to you."

Yuri gulped. This was the first time he was hearing any of this. To know that Otabek had felt the same from the beginning was like a punch to the midriff. If he had been able to talk, he would have told Otabek to stop. If he had been able to move, he would have run away. But his throat was completely closed, not even air was able to pass through. As he was unable to breathe, his body wouldn't do anything as well. Like he was paralysed, he was forced to listen to Otabek's story. Although his arms and legs felt numb, he still noticed how his chest ached as a cold stream of despair spread out, crawling into every bone of his rib cage, nagging on this flesh from inside.

"My feelings grew every day until I wasn't able to control them anymore. I knew that I had to act like usual to save our friendship, but it killed me. More than once, I've been close to confessing to you. Several times, I had to hold myself back from reaching out for your hand.

Do you remember that night of that Gala Dinner in Nice? We went outside to get some fresh air, just like now. We took a walk to the sea. It was pretty cold, but you didn't seem to care. We were standing at the shore and I remember so clearly how you were watching the waves, while I was unable to take my gaze away from you. Your hair seemed to glow in the moonlight and the way your eyes kept following the water rushing in was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I couldn't help but hug you in this moment. I thought I would die if I didn't touch you. My heart was beating so loud I was sure you heard it. But you just looked at me in confusion. Your eyes were glimmering like on that day when I fell in love with you... I nearly kissed you. My hand was already cupping your cheek, but then I realised what I was doing and I stepped back. You never asked what had gotten into me and I was glad I didn't have to explain, because I would surely have told you how much I loved you."

Every word was a dagger in Yuri's chest. Of course he remembered that moment at the sea. There wasn't a week when he didn't dream of it at night.

"From that day I knew I had to keep my distance from you or I would have ruined our friendship. I started to go out with several people and that's when I met Natalia. I really liked her from the start, but you were always in the back of my mind. She had noticed that my heart did belong to someone else, but still, she was dedicated to help me to get over you and in the end, I fell in love with her."

Otabek's voice was sounding soft and warm in the end. Even a deaf man would have heard the overflowing love for his wife. But what was fluffy and innocent on the outside, pinched into Yuri's ears like thousands of needles. The words rang in his head and the tone of Otabek's last words cut his wounds open even wider than they already were. Yuri really hoped that he would lose actual blood. At least, he could pass out this way.

He must have said nothing for a while as Otabek turned towards him and lifted his hand, placing it on Yuri's shoulder. The Russian didn't face his friend, however. He just didn't want to see any expression, no matter of its nature. He just didn't want to look into this beautiful face and realise what he would never have. Unconsciously, Yuri flinched as the shape of Otabek's hand burned through his jacket and left a stigma on his skin.

"I'm sorry I told you all of this. I never meant to, but it felt just right. It must be a bother, so please forget about it. All of this is long gone, so you don't need to worry about anything. I hope this won't change anything about our friendship. Everything's alright between us, isn't it?"

Trying to regain the power of his body, Yuri only nodded. Or that was at least what he attempted to do. Everything part of his body was feeling weak and numb like it didn't really belong to him. Talking was completely impossible. Even if Yuri found the strength to speak or the right words to say, the tremble in his voice would have told Otabek that nothing was alright. All the weight that must have lifted from Otabek's chest after his confession crashed down on Yuri's. Meeting Otabek's beautiful and warm brown eyes would probably break Yuri completely. Hoping that his friend would just leave him alone, he stared into the garden, trying not to collapse right away.

"Yuri?" Otabek's soft voice cut through his skin like a knife. "Yura…are you…"

"Beka! Here you are!"

Thankful yet surprised by the distraction Yuri turned around to see who had stepped on the balcony but condemned his reflexes just a second later. A beautiful woman with long brown and curly hair walked towards them. Her white princess-style dress glowed in the dark and the small gemstones sparkled like the stars above them. Her cheeks were slightly red and her smile was so soft and loving, it rammed another dagger into Yuri's heart.

"Come back inside, everyone's waiting for us to finally cut the cake."

"Sure, love!" Otabek walked up to her, took her hand and placed a soft kiss on her forehead.

Nearly through the door, he turned to Yuri, "You should come inside, too. It's your favourite flavour – lemon."

"I will, just give me a few more minutes," Yuri rasped.

The moment Otabek shrugged his shoulders and turned his back towards him, the corners of Yuri's mouth fell down. If he hadn't held onto the handrailing, he would have broken down. Trying to control his breath, he clang onto the metal as if he would drown the moment he let loose. A cold breeze nagged on him, but Yuri didn't feel anything – at least not from the world outside. Behind the surface of his body, he felt like he was dying, like one organ stop working one after another. The walls he had built up over the last years, the walls that kept his feelings for Otabek locked up, had been torn down in just a few minutes and everything that had been hidden behind them broke out – the sadness, the despair, the pain.

Why? Just why couldn't he just…

"So that's where you've been hiding all the time!" Another voice broke the silence. Yuri turned around and tried to fake a smile as his boyfriend walked up to him. "I was looking for you everywhere."

He brushed a stand of hair out of Yuri's face and kissed him. Raising his eyebrows, Jelisej cupped his cheeks in his hands and looked at him in concern.

"You taste like smoke. Are you alright, Yuroshka?"

They had been together long enough for his boyfriend to know that Yuri only smoked when there was something wrong. Like when his physician had told him to take a break from skating after a serious injury. Or when his grandfather had died.

For a moment, Yuri considered tellim him everything that was on his mind, just to lift the incredible weight off his chest, but he didn't have the heart to do so.

"I'm fine, it's just too crowdy inside."

"Hmm." Without commenting his trembling voice or his shaking hands, Jelisej just took the cigarette out of Yuri's hands and pulled him into a hug.

His fingers clawed into his boyfriend's suit, Yuri buried his face on Jelisej's chest. He didn't want him to see how miserable he was. He didn't want him to see that he was close to tears. But as he held onto his boyfriend like he was soaked in by a black hole, Jelisej pulled him tighter and brushed his forehead with his lips like he knew that Yuri needed to be held or he would collapse.

With his words, Otabek had completely set an end to whatever might have been. But it wasn't the end that made Yuri's gut cramp like hell . It wasn't the fact that he was married now that made Yuri's heart dissolve into a steam of cold sharp pieces of glass that flooded through his veins, cutting them all open. Now, Yuri knew that there could actually have been something. If he had only been more brave. If he had said something only once, he might have been the person Otabek had promised to stay with until death would part them. But now, he would always be the best friend. He would always be the crush he had forgotten about after he had met the love of his life. The life Yuri would never spent by his side.