GUYBRUSH THREEPWOOD, MASTER SWORDSMAN
by Chris Ratcliff (ryback@fcmail.com)
In all the islands of all the Caribbean, one pirate was feared above the
rest: Guybrush! With his steely sword and rapier wit, he terrorised
everybody. No-one challenged Guybrush, but that was okay because Guybrush
challenged them! Out came the swords, out came the insults, and soon the
challenged pirate had either egg or blood on his face.
This was well with Guybrush! He'd not honed his skills for nothing.
One day, after having disposed of another felicitous creep, he walked along
the pathway to the Governor's Mansion! Sword in hand, he called out at the
front door: "Oi! Elaine! What say?"
For Governor Elaine Marley was seen by few men. Everyone lusted
after her, but those who acted upon this and visited her mansion met with a
strange fate. None had ever been seen again. Strange tales had been woven
about her and her mansion, which grew in the telling to be a massive stone
monolith ten storeys high, carven from the sheer and black cliff face. Such
tales persisted, despite the Mansion being in clear view of everybody in the
island. Elaine was a witch, or a sorceress, or in league with the devil. She
flew the night sky. She wore slippers during the daytime. One thing,
however, remained constant in all the tales - her unsurpassed beauty, and
her long, fiery red hair.
Now Guybrush stood at her very front door! It was a somewhat
unimpressive door, a wooden blue, and pretty badly guarded. Just a tied up
bunch of hypercephalic dogs. Guybrush had instantly cowed them with his
quips about the size of their johnnies, following this up with his William
Tell repertoire.
But the door didn't open.
Guybrush drew in a deep breath, drew back his right foot, drew
(insert obvious joke here), and kicked in the door! He leapt through the
gap, his sword in his hand, screaming like Bruce Lee on hot coals!
Nothing. Silence. No motion whatsoever. The living room, and several
rooms either side, were polite and well-kept, but empty. Guybrush walked
through, sword in hand, his gaze sweeping alertly from left to right.
He climbed a curving set of stairs leading up to the first level. He
stopped on the landing, glanced left and right. Doors on either side, but
there seemed to be some noise coming from the furthest door, a door wide and
strong and very, very thick.
Guybrush crept forward, and pressed his ear to the door. The sound
of heavy breathing, very close.
Suddenly he reeled as the door exploded outward, struck by a heavy
force! Guybrush staggered back, his head chiming, and saw the Ghost Pirate
LeChuck, standing in the broken down gap and blocking it utterly! Through
his transparent blue form, Guybrush could see Elaine, sitting down at a
table sipping coffee!
"Elaine!" shouted Guybrush. "I've come to rescue you!"
"You'll have to get through me first!" growled LeChuck, bearing down
on him like an enraged grizzly. Guybrush prodded forward with his sword - it
went straight through LeChuck's transparent skin, not even causing a scratch!
LeChuck laughed. "Your mother wears army boots!" said Guybrush, on the back
foot.
Elaine watched the battle disinterestedly. She started combing her
hair.
LeChuck was driving Guybrush back down the passageway. He grasped
forward with his hands, seeking to choke the life out of Guybrush! Guybrush's
insults were worthless! He couldn't think of a thing! LeChuck was getting
closer, and he was grinning madly!
Guybrush didn't even think. He just acted on instinct. He jerked his
head forward and spat.
The spit hit LeChuck's cheek, and stayed there! It started to smoke!
LeChuck stopped, and a horrified expression crossed his face. He batted at
the spit with his hands, but that just caused his hands to start smoking too!
LeChuck wailed, and started to thrash about. His head was shrinking, like an
old balloon.
Soon LeChuck had evaporated altogether! Good thing I drank that root
beer earlier, thought Guybrush. He remembered Elaine! With a cry, Guybrush
rushed into the bedroom!
Elaine was there, now standing up. "Are you Guybrush?" she asked.
"Er-"
Elaine smiled. "Relax, Threepwood. I know why you're here. Although,
I have to admit, not as many get as far as you have. They all got killed by
LeChuck, the sillies."
"You mean..." said Guybrush.
"Yes," answered Elaine. "You get your happy ending this time."
THE END
by Chris Ratcliff (ryback@fcmail.com)
In all the islands of all the Caribbean, one pirate was feared above the
rest: Guybrush! With his steely sword and rapier wit, he terrorised
everybody. No-one challenged Guybrush, but that was okay because Guybrush
challenged them! Out came the swords, out came the insults, and soon the
challenged pirate had either egg or blood on his face.
This was well with Guybrush! He'd not honed his skills for nothing.
One day, after having disposed of another felicitous creep, he walked along
the pathway to the Governor's Mansion! Sword in hand, he called out at the
front door: "Oi! Elaine! What say?"
For Governor Elaine Marley was seen by few men. Everyone lusted
after her, but those who acted upon this and visited her mansion met with a
strange fate. None had ever been seen again. Strange tales had been woven
about her and her mansion, which grew in the telling to be a massive stone
monolith ten storeys high, carven from the sheer and black cliff face. Such
tales persisted, despite the Mansion being in clear view of everybody in the
island. Elaine was a witch, or a sorceress, or in league with the devil. She
flew the night sky. She wore slippers during the daytime. One thing,
however, remained constant in all the tales - her unsurpassed beauty, and
her long, fiery red hair.
Now Guybrush stood at her very front door! It was a somewhat
unimpressive door, a wooden blue, and pretty badly guarded. Just a tied up
bunch of hypercephalic dogs. Guybrush had instantly cowed them with his
quips about the size of their johnnies, following this up with his William
Tell repertoire.
But the door didn't open.
Guybrush drew in a deep breath, drew back his right foot, drew
(insert obvious joke here), and kicked in the door! He leapt through the
gap, his sword in his hand, screaming like Bruce Lee on hot coals!
Nothing. Silence. No motion whatsoever. The living room, and several
rooms either side, were polite and well-kept, but empty. Guybrush walked
through, sword in hand, his gaze sweeping alertly from left to right.
He climbed a curving set of stairs leading up to the first level. He
stopped on the landing, glanced left and right. Doors on either side, but
there seemed to be some noise coming from the furthest door, a door wide and
strong and very, very thick.
Guybrush crept forward, and pressed his ear to the door. The sound
of heavy breathing, very close.
Suddenly he reeled as the door exploded outward, struck by a heavy
force! Guybrush staggered back, his head chiming, and saw the Ghost Pirate
LeChuck, standing in the broken down gap and blocking it utterly! Through
his transparent blue form, Guybrush could see Elaine, sitting down at a
table sipping coffee!
"Elaine!" shouted Guybrush. "I've come to rescue you!"
"You'll have to get through me first!" growled LeChuck, bearing down
on him like an enraged grizzly. Guybrush prodded forward with his sword - it
went straight through LeChuck's transparent skin, not even causing a scratch!
LeChuck laughed. "Your mother wears army boots!" said Guybrush, on the back
foot.
Elaine watched the battle disinterestedly. She started combing her
hair.
LeChuck was driving Guybrush back down the passageway. He grasped
forward with his hands, seeking to choke the life out of Guybrush! Guybrush's
insults were worthless! He couldn't think of a thing! LeChuck was getting
closer, and he was grinning madly!
Guybrush didn't even think. He just acted on instinct. He jerked his
head forward and spat.
The spit hit LeChuck's cheek, and stayed there! It started to smoke!
LeChuck stopped, and a horrified expression crossed his face. He batted at
the spit with his hands, but that just caused his hands to start smoking too!
LeChuck wailed, and started to thrash about. His head was shrinking, like an
old balloon.
Soon LeChuck had evaporated altogether! Good thing I drank that root
beer earlier, thought Guybrush. He remembered Elaine! With a cry, Guybrush
rushed into the bedroom!
Elaine was there, now standing up. "Are you Guybrush?" she asked.
"Er-"
Elaine smiled. "Relax, Threepwood. I know why you're here. Although,
I have to admit, not as many get as far as you have. They all got killed by
LeChuck, the sillies."
"You mean..." said Guybrush.
"Yes," answered Elaine. "You get your happy ending this time."
THE END