Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Hikaru no Go, they just like to meddle with my head long enough until I can't do anything except write about them… The song used that inspired the story was "Wreck of the Day" by Anna Nalick. Enjoy. :)
Wreck of the Day…
It was raining. The pounding of the rain on the pavement was only adding to the dull ache that was making its permanent residence in Akira's chest. He looked at the trails of water that was making its way down the door, random patterns that was washing the dirt of the days away. It blurred his vision of the outside. He paused in his footing, hands ready to go through the accustomed motions of opening the door while at the same time opening the umbrella and giving him some protection from the rain. Akira couldn't find the energy to go though the motions this time. He just couldn't. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply through his nose once or twice before opening them again. He placed his umbrella back in his bag and then pushed the doors open. The cold air that hit his cheeks was a welcome distraction.
Driving away from the wreck of the day…
The rain was less pleasant, sliding through his hair—down his neck and face. Randomly he wondered whether the rain would trace patterns on his body just like it did on the doors. Would he be blurred by the rain? Would others suddenly see him differently because of the rain? Would all the details that made him Touya, Akira be washed away, marring together until he was suddenly a blend of vague shapes? He brushed a strand of hair that had started to stick to the contours of his cheek. He wasn't making any sense. He knew this. But that didn't stop his tired mind from continuing to think, from continuing to trick him into a deeper darkness. Akira continued to walk at a sedate pace, he let his feet take him wherever. He knew that they wouldn't let him get lost. At least not for long. His usually serious eyes were unfocused and he passed acquaintances with no acknowledgement. On their part, they were too startled to even call out to him. And when he passed out of sight, they questioned their own senses. Because really, there was no way Touya, Akira would be out in the rain like that! He was much too sensible of a young man. And they would shake their heads and move on. The reality of the situation was pushed aside—rationalized away so it fit their own perspectives and their world remained a safe and constant place.
And the light's always red in the rearview
There was no consistency in his world. He found himself in a park and his feet had stopped moving. A feeling of tired restlessness started to wrap itself around the dull ache in his chest. He had stopped feeling safe a very long time ago. Oh he too had tried to hide himself in his own illusions. Had allowed his brain to change things so that his world remained a safe place—for some time that is. And then one day he'd woken up and everything had changed and yet nothing had. He'd tried to continue with the motions of his life. Get up with dawn, check the answering machine for news from his parents, go to the go institute, go to school, study sessions, homework, hope Shindo would stop by, go home, sleep… get up again the next day. He remembered how hard he'd tried to continue believing like he'd had in the past. But he hadn't been able to. He just couldn't go back and view the world like he'd had when he'd been a child. There was no going back. There was nothing to go back to! Just empty lies—an empty nest. Empty.
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
Life was empty.
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
Akira's eyes started to focus again. The cold was starting to bite at more than his face and its initial pleasing sensation had dwindled to nothingness. It wasn't painful. It was numbing. The moisture was seeping through his vest, past his shirt and starting to gently touch his bare skin. His hair was plastered to his face and neck. His feet were traitorous. He found himself in the park not too far away from his childhood home. The rain was playing tricks with his eyes. Blurring the darkening skies, the shadows, and the trees all together until he could almost see himself when he'd been younger being lead by his father.
If this is giving up
Hand in hand
Secure
Warm
Loved
Daddy had loved him then.
Had been proud of him then.
What had changed?
Then I'm giving up
Rivalry. Oh yes that… he'd joined the world of Go. He'd become a rival and the title son has withered before his very eyes. There was still pride, there was still love…but they felt so out of reach sometimes that Akira had a hard time remembering what they felt like again. His father and him could hardly communicate past the polite masquerade they showed the rest of the world. His father was miles and miles away from him. So was his mother. They hadn't sold the house. At first it was because Akira had been too young to live in his own apartment and after all it wasn't like the Touya-meijin was leaving Japan for good. But when Akira had grown up and the empty house seemed to hurt more than sooth the separation, he'd moved out and the excuse of keeping the house had become blurred.
If this is giving up…
Blurred. How strange. Perhaps it was raining in his soul. That could explain why everything around him was so blurred. Perhaps. He blinked and took another look at his surroundings. The memory faded away and reality started to settle again. He took a step back. This wasn't who he was anymore. He took another step back and again and again until he reached the streets again. Akira walked away from his parent's house, walked away from the park…and then halted again. Where was he supposed to go? He had his apartment but that too was empty. And some small part of him that still held onto rationality was telling him that if he went there, he'd break. He'd break so badly he wouldn't be able to put himself back together. And no one out in this world would want to do it…
Then I'm giving up
"Where should I go?" The words came from his mouth, unbidden. The sound of his own voice startled him. And a little strangled chuckle past through his lips. "Shadows. What kills Shadows? The light…" With that answer came only small relief. Hikaru was light. Hikaru was killing him. Killing his shadows too.
Giving up
He'd been avoiding the other young man lately, blaming on an altogether too busy of a schedule to have any time for himself let alone anyone else. The truth of it was that Hikaru scared him. He was always too close, always too near, too bright, too loud, too energetic, too… too everything. And Akira was scared that he'd be drowned, washed away in Hikaru's presence. But it was more than that. Hikaru made Akira want to break away from the shadows that numbed his soul and protected him from this world. Hikaru wanted to drag the shadows away and pull him into the world he'd long ago turned his back to.
On love…
Lost in his thoughts that made no sense and too much sense at the same time, Akira was the last to realize that his feet had betrayed him for the second time. He stood in front of the apartment building where the other had moved in not too long ago. He blinked at the door, blind to it for a moment. But the door opened and he was pulled in.
On love.
"Touya-kun? Are you here for Hikaru-kun?" An old voice clucked at him with concern. "You're drenched. You young people…come in come in. You'll catch your death out there. Its way too cold for the season and you are definitely not dressed for it." It was Hikaru's neighbor. She bore traces of having faced the abysmal weather herself. Her umbrella was at her side, barely tucked away with the remnants of rain being pulled down to the ground. The small splitch splatch sound they made distracted him long enough to be manhandled into the elevator by the shorter woman. It was only when the steel doors shut that he realized that he was trapped. He was really going to see Hikaru.
Driving away from the wreck of the day
Akira closed his eyes and let himself be handled like a young child would. The woman knocked on his rival's door once they'd been freed from the elevator. The sound was a different kind of pounding than the rain had been on the cold pavement. It was harsher yet warmer. Demanding attention—like a mother would to her child. Strange. So strange. He wanted his strange thoughts to leave him. The woman made another sound deep from her throat that reminded him of a hen hovering over her young chicks. He tilted his head towards her and managed to bring up a small but polite smile.
And I'm thinking about calling on Jesus
"Thank you. I'll be ok from here." She looked at him, her bold stare questioning his statement. He stared back placidly. From inside the apartment he could already hear his rival's movement nearing the door. He bowed his head towards her just as the door opened in one swift movement.
"Akira?" Hikaru was focused on him immediately and it took the other a minute before even acknowledging the woman that was beside his rival. "You're soaked! What are you doing here? You're gonna be sick. Get in here! Ah… Obaa-chan, did you find him? Thank you for bringing him here." The flow of the words was already too cheerful for Akira's mood. And he scowled at the fact that he was being treated like he wasn't quite there. He was startled when a strong grip grabbed his wrist and pulled him into an apartment that felt too warm to be comfortable. But a little voice was telling him that this was just because he was too cold. If he made a noise at the way he was being treated, Hikaru didn't acknowledge it. The door was closed behind him, only an echo of goodbye to the old woman ringed in his head.
Cause Love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love…
"Seriously Akira," And how strange a world it was to be scolded by Shindo, Hikaru. "What the hell were you thinking? You're freezing!" The hand on his wrist tightened and pulled him further into the warmth. Akira tugged back. He didn't want to be here. Not really. He really didn't. This warmth… this warmth wasn't what he knew. It would break him. Hikaru would break him and… and… Hikaru's eyes came into his focus. They were wide, bright and concerned.
Outside, it was still raining.
Outside, the world was still blurring into one mess of colors and shapes that made no sense.
But here…
Inside
Warm
There was Shindo
Hikaru
Light
There was concern
For him
Just for him
Someone was looking at him.
Finally…
Just him.
Akira closed his eyes and tugged his wrist free. With no thought at all, he leaned down and touched his lips to the warmth that was Hikaru. If it killed him, at least he had chosen it.
I'm just falling to pieces
The startled exhale of warm breathe from Hikaru's mouth seems unreal, burning at his mouth, his lips, his face. Akira asks for more, expecting nothing, yet Hikaru yields. There's a soft noise and the warmth that surrounds Akira is more than just the heat that is on in Hikaru's apartment. There is no time for thought any longer. No time for that at all. Just the feeling that washes through his body like ocean waves, rippling up and down his spine. He tenses with his own surprise when Hikaru starts to respond. When strong arms encircle his waist and trail up until they're caught in the black strands of his hair. There's the faint pressure against his head as Hikaru's fingers press down to bring them closer and closer together.
It seems so long until they separate to catch their breath and yet it seems that the one-ness they've just shared has just been cut too short. Unblinking, they stare at each other. A challenge from one—demanding an explanation, a cool mask of …confidence? Of what exactly? Whatever it is, it hides the warring emotions that are battling behind Akira's mask. Hikaru backs away from the embrace slowly, eyes still challenging, burning. Only one hand holds on to Akira, as if afraid the other would turn away and run from this.
I'm just falling to pieces
Running might be the most intelligent thing to do at this time but it's the furthest option from Akira's mind at the time.
"I…I don't wa—" But whatever was supposed to leave his lips is stopped as calloused finger makes its way there, pressing silently.
"We need to get you dried Akira. You'll be sick if we don't." So rational. It felt like they'd switched places all of sudden. Hikaru looked at him, waiting for an answer. He didn't get one but maybe the silence was enough as it was. When he tugged this time, Akira followed. He would have laughed if he could. All the boundaries that kept them separate from friend to rival to whatever had been shattered like that. Had the rain come inside this warm apartment to blur them away? Or had the boundaries always been this blurry, this ephemeral? A step was taken and then another until he was in another room and a towel was wrapped securely around his neck. Warm, confident hands started the simple task of undressing him. First his vest was pushed aside and off his broad shoulders. It fell to the floor, making the noise wet cloth usually made when hitting a harder surface. It was like a release that noise. As little sense that this made. But Akira's hands found themselves freed from whatever resistance they'd found themselves in before and they quickly started to help Hikaru's in removing the button up shirt and the slacks. Another towel was wound securely around his waist.
And if this is giving up
When he looked up, Akira found himself looking at a red-faced Hikaru. The shadow took the light's hand this time, pulling the other closer until there was no space that could easily be discerned between the two. "I need you…" The words were whispered from one to the other.
The rest that followed was a silence of another kind.
Hungry lips stole the breath of the other, tongues that were shy at first joined the melee until they were battling for a kind of dominance over the other, only to sigh in unison at the closeness that they'd forbidden each other to start…let alone to imagine.
Then I'm giving up
Whose back fell first on the soft bed made little difference to either of the young men. They were both falling. But most importantly they were both accepting the fall together. Hands scrambled to regain balance, to regain stability… they stopped their hasty movements for a moment only as fingers twined together.
If this is giving up
The frantic struggle ceased. They'd both been caught. Unaware, unwilling perhaps but they'd been caught in their fall because neither could live without the other. Black called to white just like the shadows called to the light.
Then I'm giving up
Time slowed…
For a moment.
For an instant.
But it was long enough for two souls to unite…
Giving up
Out of breath, hearts pounding frantically in unison to a beat that they could only distinguish…it drowned out the rain and gave Akira an anchor. Hikaru shifted a bit and then a bit more until his head was pillowed onto Akira' chest. His breath was warm as it was expelled from still moist lips. It traveled gently from that mouth onto his chest and then lifted as it cooled, higher and higher into the air. Akira closed his eyes.
On love
On love…
When he opened his eyes next, there was a strange dim light that was filtering into the room past the curtains blocking its way in. It was the kind of light that spoke of heavy clouds playing hide and seek with the sun. Akira tried to move but Hikaru's weight was still pressing heavily onto him. The touch lifted any trace of sleepiness that had been dulling his mind. His heart started to pound. He felt feverish as heat coursed through him. Breath rasped past his lips, too fast, too much and his head felt light. This was not… this was not what…Akira looked down at Hikaru's sleeping face. It was serene, comfortable with the way things had played out. But would that last?
Would this strange peace last? When Hikaru opened his eyes and took in the scene, would there be a smile—bright like the sun to greet him? Or would there be a shadow there, dimming it because of doubts.
And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
Akira didn't want to find out.
When all my resistance will never be distance enough
With all the gentleness he possessed he started to move the other off of him. The cold that touched his skin at the loss of contact made him shiver. As he moved away from the bed, he heard a discontented sigh. He refused to turn around though. Hands fumbled towards the floor to retrieve the discarded towel. He wrapped it around his waist securely.
"Where are you going?" The voice was soft. A hand tangled itself in his dark hair. And pulled once, twice…hard until Akira found himself moving towards the force, laying back onto his elbows, feet still dangling over the edge of the bed. Hikaru's face was above his, a slight frown marring his face. It was an awkward angle, staring at his rival from this position. He licked his lip. When had the other woken up? "Don't leave…" Hikaru whispered. "Don't look away." The black strands left his fingers as he released his hold. "I don't want you too." The fingers massaged the tender spot with trembling hands.
Akira sat up, breaking the contact.
"And then what?" He asked equally quiet. "Is this…" He waved a hand about. "…possible? Will it last?"
"Yes."
"What if I'm not ready…" The words were hard to speak past the terror that was slowly rising from the pit of his stomach.
"You wouldn't have come yesterday."
"I wasn't thinking."
"You think too much." The mattress moved underneath him as Hikaru moved closer to him. "Stop thinking. For once, for now…I need you just as much as you need me." Just like his rival to place an attack of such immensity that Akira couldn't think of how to respond. He could barely remember how to breathe. The pattern was playing behind his closed eyes. He'd lost? Or won? Or…
Hikaru's hand came and held his shoulder, holding him back again. Akira opened his eyes and turned slightly to look into Hikaru's eyes. 'Anchor me.' He wanted to ask. He licked his lip again.
"Is it raining outside?" The question must have startled Hikaru for he was silent instead of responding as if it was speed go like he had the past few times. He saw the green eyes dart away from his to the window and back to him in a helpless manner. He could tell that his rival was looking for any hidden meaning behind the inane question. And perhaps with time, he would read far enough that he would unravel the meaning. Because strangely enough, when Akira had been trapped by his own shadows, by his own wall…Hikaru had done exactly what he'd been threatening to do for years. He'd caught up to Akira, he'd made Akira look at him. They'd made each other an integral part of the other's life without even realizing it.
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Akira leaned back into the warmth with no warning. If Hikaru wanted him to stay—he'd be the one to responsible to deal with the consequences. He was tired of thinking. He ignored the little gasp of surprise that caused his lips to quirk up in an almost smile. He felt his heart beat started to calm down and the cold fear started to disappear. Hikaru moved over, making more room for Akira to join him back under the covers. But when Akira simply lay beside him, Hikaru grumbled, pulling at the other man to come into the circle of his arms. Akira made a face, mumbling something about somebody being awfully pushy. Yet he allowed himself to be molded to the other's embrace, relaxing slowly with each breath that he let free. For several minutes, they lay in silence. Hikaru sighed with relief and chuckled as he let his hand draw lazy soothing circles on Akira's back.
"You know…" He started a bit awkwardly, hating to break the silence. "Even if it is raining outside…it's not in here." He felt Akira tense for a moment and then…
"…baka…"
And if this is giving up
Then I'm giving up
If this is giving up
Then I'm giving up
Giving up
On love…
On love.
The end.
A/N-Uhm… I have no idea how this came about. I don't even really know if it makes any sense. But yeah…scratches head before looking back at fic I'm so confused. Sometimes I really think stories totally own the authors and not the other way around. goes off to puzzle this concept before another fic idea attacks her and won't let go of her