OMG WHAT'S THIS!? WHAT IS IT!? I DON'T KNOW! You'll have to read it.

Co-authored with TSI, I can tell you that much.

Jhonen owns Invader Zim.

A black and white comedy blared light from the TV throughout the whole room, animating it in sound and static and flashes of light that bounced off of the walls and created shadows behind the couch in dimly lit room.It was cold in the large living room. For some reason the house's temperature never responded like either of the two wanted it to. Instead, they had to huddle together in two separate blankets draped over both of them.The noise from the TV was welcoming. It beckoned their attention and strayed their thoughts, most of the time. The jokes were lame; old as the episode, but it was still good. It seemed like the only warm thing in the large house. It flooded the room and carried the thoughts away momentarily like a wave, pushing and pulling. That was how they liked it, compared to other options they could have gone with. This was best.

Zim's antennae twitched as the laugh track sounded to another lame joke as he snuggled against his human. HIS human. As much as he hated to admit it he had grown used to, then reliant on Dib's warmth and clinginess. Even so he would never admit to Dib that the cuddling comforted him. He just played it off as him letting the human take comfort in him, with the occasional return. The occasional return though was becoming much more frequent, as with now, Zim leaning up to place a kiss on Dib's cheek, then his lips, then again on his lips only harder and much more needy.

Dib shut his eyes in the kiss and tried to respond back to Zim in the same amount of effort as the Irken was placing on him, but he just couldn't find it in him. He groaned in the kiss, but neither from pleasure nor pain but as he took Zim by the shoulders and tried to pull him off.It didn't help that this alien was rubbing up against him chest to chest and had his arms around the human's neck that it made it so difficult to remove him, but simply, it seemed, Zim just didn't want to be removed. However much he loved his Zim, this exhausted him."What is it?" Dib asked as he finally peeled his lips off of Zim's, with a bit of tired concern in his eyes, as yes, he really did care about the other and wanted to make him happy, but expected something slightly different.

Zim looked at his human sadly. How could he not understand? Zim NEEDED him to understand! But it seemed it was no use. This was a dance they performed before, but it always ended the same way, with both of them landing flat on their asses. "It's nothing," Zim sighed, leaning against Dib once more to go back to watching the television, a bit of the silky green hair now growing from the top of his head almost falling into his eyes, though was not yet long enough to do so.The alien's large, round eyes turned to the window when he heard a small pitter patter sound starting to come from it, then turning into a constant and rapid pounding. Score one for the weather man.

Dib tried to ignore the rain the best as he could, however, knowing the Zim he had up against him felt exhausted when it rained, he gingerly wrapped a long strong arm around the other. His eyes were on the TV screen, but his mind was nowhere near. It was out with the rain. Vaguely, Dib would wonder time to time if he could use the rain to communicate. To put all of his feelings and emotion into one tear-drop of rain and have it lifted into the great open sky to drop on another's head, to perhaps explain all that has happened to him to that person.That would never happen though; that was impossible. He couldn't ever tell anyone what happened; nevertheless explain it through rain. What a silly preposterous idea that was!Not a drop of rain would ever hit him ever again anyway. He never left the house. He always got somebody to go grocery shopping for him, and he quit his work in every way. His day was consumed by TV and Zim. That was it.

Zim's eyes strayed back to the TV as he shifted in Dib's arms, moving so he was laying in the human's lap instead of leaning against him, careful though, of his arm which still hurt after a month. He was conflicted in so many ways right now. He tuned out the noise of the sitcom to listen to the rain as he thought. The rain was so much less distracting. He wanted to get up, get moving, DO something, but at the same time he wanted to stay laying there in the comfort of his strong human's embrace and just listen to the rain. He wanted to hurt Dib, that was an urge that never seemed to go away, but then he also wanted to hug him and kiss him and move against him to a rhythm no one could hear in such dirty, sinful ways. He wanted to eat yet starve himself, he wanted to die but he wanted to live, he wanted to return to his homeland and serve his Tallests once more but in the same breath he could say he wanted to murder his leaders for all the pain they put him through, he wanted to rip limbs off, he wanted to strangle them with their own organs.He was under no illusions regarding them anymore, but now he was hidden from himself under a veil of uncertainty. He used to be so sure of himself, but now he didn't know what to think.

Fluent conversation between the two only became more and more rare. Zim would try to start a conversation while Dib would abruptly answer to him, ending it quickly with little emotion tagged behind it. The man didn't mean to do so, it just happened. It was hard for him to communicate now. It no longer was about who he was but about what he had become was the reason he held himself back. What sort of man was he? He didn't even know.Though, he did know he had an undying amount of love for Zim, however unsure he was to how to be natural once more. Though, every once in a while he did assert himself and try to speak."Zim?" His voice was stiff, and he avoided eye contact for now.

"Yeah?" Zim replied quietly, the antennae closest to Dib twitching in case Dib didn't hear him over the sound of the TV and the rain. He shifted just a little so he could look back at Dib with his eyes, not completely turning back to the human. He'd grown to hate Dib's emotionless looks, or the tired way he tried to look like he cared, whether he really did or not.

"Are you still afraid of the rain from inside?" Dib asked in a near monotone droll.He tried. He really did. He tried so hard. He didn't want to talk right now but he felt that not only did he owe it to Zim, but that he needed this with Zim so much. After all, who would understand his position better than the Irken? Though, every word that came out just reminded him more. Every time he hugged Zim, it just reminded him more. Every time he heard his perfect voice it reminded him more. The other's very being was almost too much, but he tried. He tried for the affection he still held for his Zim.

"No," Zim said, shaking his head and turning a good part of his attention back to the TV. Slowly he sat up and looked at the spot on Dib's lap where he'd just been laying, saying, "I should probably go get cleaned, I haven't gone over myself with the cleansing chalk in a day or two." He looked up at Dib for confirmation that he'd gotten the message.

Dib's eyes fell on the Irken, uncomfortable with looking at him straight on unless he needed to."Okay." Dib gave an unsure nod while keeping his eyes stuck on Zim's stomach. The faster Zim left, the faster he wouldn't have to see it.

Zim stood up, keeping his blanket around him tightly as he quickly made his way up the stairs and into the bathroom where he dropped it to give himself a good once over, feeling the need to do this every so often. The weight hadn't lifted at all, pudgy reminders of the incident that befell Dib and himself a month ago showing through his tight, black shirt and hanging slightly over the hem of black hip huggers that used to make him look sexy. It was disgusting. He sunk to the ground and pulled his knees up to his chest as he looked up at the ceiling, wishing he was still that height while standing, whishing he was a tiny little invader again, and Dib was just a neglected eleven year old boy with dorky glasses and no attraction to him other than the fact that he was an alien that just NEEDED to be cut open. He kind of wished Dib had caught him too, caught him while they were still young, and there was nothing between them. No deals, no emotional drama, no STUPID mistakes. Just a good old fashioned autopsy of a strange visitor from outer space."Like anything could be that simple." Zim laughed bitterly. "Great, talking to myself again, wouldn't Dib find THIS funny." "At least it's a conversation." Zim sighed sadly, letting his head fall forward and his chin connect with his knee. He spotted a smear of his own blood on the counter right in front of him. He opened the counter to find more of his blood. "That's right, that's where I hid the-" He couldn't bring himself to voice the rest of the event though he remembered it clearly. That was the day he finally gave up.He wished the knife was still in there. It would be so easy to end it. So very, very easy. But he knew he could never go through with it. No, it would be impossible to do something like that. He could barely cut a sandwich anymore.

When the old black and white show seemed too mesh its sounds together rather than have something understandable, Dib realized he was drifting off to sleep. He usually kept two ideals on sleep nowadays. One was that if he went to sleep, for however long he was asleep, he could have been counted dead for that long. It only made sense. He wasn't awake; he wasn't conscious for that long. He might as well have not been alive at all for that amount of time. Sleeping was a waste of life.On the other hand, Dib very much felt that he had to sleep. It wasn't that he was tired, exhausted, or spent like he was, but just that he didn't want to be alive through these days any more. It wasn't to say he didn't want to live- or did it? He just simply didn't want to exist. He'd rather the storm blew over him while he was stuck in hibernation. After all, it's hard to feel pain when you're not awake to enjoy it, unless one had a bad dream but the human never dreamed anymore. Not that he was aware of anyway.So he was stuck, unsure of himself; half leaning towards forcing himself to not waste the life he was blessed with, while half leaning to the gravely mortal death.

By the time he could decide, he had fallen asleep with the blanket draped around him on the couch.

Zim stripped himself down and cleaned quickly, not liking to spend too much time naked in front of a mirror, it just made him hate himself more. So when he was done he wrapped the blanket around himself once more and went quickly into the two men's shared room to pull on the nice, loose, black pajamas he insisted Dib get for him. Black was slimming, loose was comfortable and hid the ever hated fat. When he was changed he went back down stairs to find the sight of Dib sleeping. It was funny, in Zim's opinion, however depressing the thought was on a whole, how utterly unchanged Dib looked when he slept. There was almost NO difference to how Dib looked whether he was awake or sleeping. Either way he looked tired, lifeless, and sad, so very, very sad. His irken heart aching for the both of them Zim climbed onto the couch to lay behind Dib between the human and the cushions, pulling him closer and nuzzling his neck needily.

An eye slowly hung itself open at the feel of those thin green arms wrapping around him. He had drifted asleep without his own consent. He rubbed up comfortingly against Zim, needing him just as much as the other needed him as well. A human hand lifted to lightly touch the green skin clinging around him.The barely conscious Dib mumbled quite softly. "I love you." Those three words had caused such problems, but at the moment, despite them still being filled with led and poison, it was the only medicine. It was medicine Dib didn't spill often, or often enough.He then nuzzled the cushion under him and tried to fall back into the world of no pain, in attempts to forget what he had just said and what he always felt now.

Dib's words were sweet, yet stung him so painfully. He grip around the human tightened and he wished Dib would say it again... and again... and again. But he knew Dib wouldn't, the human was showing his affection less and less often yet Zim seemed to need it more and more. He gave Dib another affectionate squeeze. He'd just lost everything he ever knew, was betrayed by the very people he'd devoted his LIFE to such a short while ago! Why couldn't Dib see that he needed him! That he needed someone! "Dib?"

"Yeah?" Two eyes opened slowly once more.

Zim hesitated for a moment, his mouth open to say something, but he closed it with a sigh."Nothing."

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS YET!?

Zim: Me

Dib: TSI