Author: Beautifully Twisted
Email: enigmaticangst@aol.com
Title: Who Wants to Live Forever?
Pairing: CidxVincent, it's the ongoing trend with me.
Rating: PG-13
Notes: After Cid's death, Vincent finds himself ultimately alone ... this got weird toward the end, but I suppose that fits Vincent's mental state. It deals with the concept that Vincent doesn't age, can't die easily, what have you. It made me cry.
Much love and thanks goes out to Domo for inspiration and criticism. This fic is for you.
It was inevitable. Happiness is insubstantial, but that doesn't change anything. It doesn't make this any easier. It doesn't make losing you hurt any less. Years of being alone taught me that there was no such thing as true happiness, only lesser degrees of hurt. But when I was with you, that hurt might as well have not existed. That doesn't matter now, does it? You're gone … and I'm still here; I understood that. We acknowledged it, and wrote it off as something to deal with later. Later came sooner than we both thought. Now I'm back to where I was before I met you. Alone, always alone … living in sorrow. And though I don't even know if it's sunk in fully yet, I know that my heart feels like it's being torn out. Clawed at, shredded, mutilated and carelessly cast away into the gutter to be trampled to a bloody pulp. And there it can remain, for I have no use of it. What good is a heart when it can't beat with hopeful expectancy?
You're gone, and I am alone, living, breathing, existing, when all I want is to
die, to lie beside you in eternal slumber. I knew you would be taken from me. I
didn't care, I allowed myself to be shattered again. I knew it would happen,
and I accepted it. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm aching. I needed
you like one needs oxygen, and now that your life has ended I cannot breath.
Did you know this would happen? Did you know that I would be shattered? You had
to. I was always emotionally fragile; I need you. I need you now to chase away
the chaos and tell me everything's going to be all right, but I know nothing
will ever be all right again because you're gone … gone … dead … oh god! Oh god
… I can't think, it hurts so deeply. Hurts so badly … aches, gnaws at my soul.
Please come back and save me. Take me with you, kill me, just end this sorrow.
I had loved once and failed, and wept and grieved, and lived a life of lonesomeness and torture. You saved me from that world, put me back together. But you're gone, and I'm suffering … only this time there is no one to pick up the shards of my heart and piece them together, and kiss away my fears.
I know I will never see you again, never see that half-smile whilst you sat sipping tea, never silently berate you for dropping ashes on the carpet … never taste those soft kisses you never hesitated to bestow upon me. Never again will I feel your arms about me, holding me. Never again will I feel your warmth while I held you, breathing in the lingering traces of cigarette smoke. Never hear that voice that never faltered to stand up on my behalf, that voice that reassured me, and whispered my name in the darkness. The only thing I have left of the nights we spent in passion, clinging to one another, gasping in ecstasy, is a memory. A vision of you bathed in moonlight, holding my body against yours, claiming me as your own. I loved you … I loved you so dearly that it hurts to remember those nights in which we shared such bliss, such passion, such devotional commitment and love. For what I felt was not only love, it was need, life … and now that you're gone, I cannot live.
Did you know that this would be the outcome of this love? Did you ever question what would become of me once you passed on? Did you consider my immortality? Surely you did. Perhaps you even hated yourself for knowing that your mortal flaws would separate us. Hated yourself for knowing that and still loving me. But I don't care. I knew this, and accepted. I would love you all over again, regardless of this pain, because you meant … god, you still mean that much to me. You were my salvation.
You're gone and I'm forgotten. Forgotten and damned, and living in a world without release. Oh to die and be with you. But it's not that simple. You understood that I could not die easily; you knew that I would never age … and that was the most painful of all. Watching you age, watching you change and become dependant on me. It tore my heart to watch you so helpless. You deserved better … god knows, you deserved so much better.
I took over the role of the protector, caring for you, kissing you, and telling you that everything would be fine. It was that way until the end, until the moment when it hit me. I must have broken down then. You told me to be strong, but you never told me to go on. You understood I couldn't go on. I wouldn't … but what does that leave me, Highwind? What does that leave me now? I have nothing … nowhere to go, no one to love, or love me back. I'm lost. I'm lost without you. And I can't live this way. I long to die, but I cannot die. I am not worthy of death. Because I let everyone I've ever loved to die. I let you to die. I could have saved you, if only I had tried harder, if only I had loved you more. God … I let you die, how can you ever love me for that?
The demons have spoken the truth. You cannot not love me now, watching me break down like this … but god, I need you … I can't exist without you. Please, listen to my plea, my words … these promises. Please … wait for me. I'm shattered, and cannot die … I am not even granted the luxury of suicide. Even if I tried, I would not succeed. Bullets cannot kill the demons' will the live; else I would've taken one of my guns to my head long ago. I willingly offer myself to their will. The demons laugh at my sorrow, tormenting me. Let them. I want them to … tear away at my sanity, claw my heart to ribbons, leave me to die … allow me to reach sweet death. I want to be broken; I crave it. Let them consume me; tear me apart from the inside. They are welcome to claim victory.
Yet they would rather watch me suffer. It amuses them. They laugh … it never stops. Never … they are destroying me, and I want them to. Take me … end me … destroy me … I can't live. Oh god, I can't live. I don't want to … just let this pain end. It's all I feel … it never stops. The pain never stops. The torment never stops. The laughter never stops. They never stop … never … they laugh and taunt, and tear at me. But even that seems distant … the laughter is fading.
Fading away … fading into moans … gasps … fading … fading … fading into cries. They're crying out to me. The demons are pleading … pleading for me to stay. And in some twisted way, I feel wanted. Needed … but not by him … the only one I need.
They're screaming now … they're panicking … shrieking … make it stop …make it stop. Highwind, make it stop … please … help me. Help me.
Help save me from myself …
Help me … Highwind …
Highwind …
Highwind …
Vincent.
I see that smile … and I am whole again.
—fin