The wacky racers were zooming through the Rocky Mountains on their way to the town of Eton, Colorado. In the back of the pack were Private Meekly and Sergeant Blast in number six, the Army Surplus Special. Last place didn't sit well with the choleric sergeant, however. He swiveled the turret about so he faced backwards. "Fire!" he ordered. The tank blasted, so, by the rules of cartoon physics, that gave it a burst of speed. It passed:
Peter Perfect, in number 9, the Turbo Terrific
Penelope Pitstop, in number 5, the Compact Pussycat
Rufus Ruffcut and Sawtooth, in number 10, the Buzz Wagon
Lazy Luke and Blubber Bear, in number 8, the Arkansas Chugga-Bug
Red Max, in number 4, the Crimson Haybailer
The Gruesome Twosome, in number 2, the Creepy Coupe
Professor Pat Pending, in number 3, the Convert-A-Car
The Ant Hill Mob, in number 7, the Bulletproof Bomb
The Slag Brothers, in number 1, the Boulder Mobile
That put them in second place. Far ahead, in number double zero, the Mean Machine, were Dick Dastardly and his shaggy brown dog, Muttley.
Instead of continuing to the finish line, however, Dick Dastardly had stopped his purple car. "Time to guarantee my victory," he announced, twirling his moustache. He pulled off two wooden boards blocking the entrance to an abandoned mine. You could tell it was an abandoned mine, because a sign nearby read CAUTION! ABANDONED MINE!
He turned the sign around and painted on the other side SHORT CUT TO FINISH LINE and added an arrow pointing to the right. He yanked the sign from the ground and handed it to Muttley. "Place this in the center of the road, where they'll all be sure to see it," he ordered his sidekick.
"Hehehe," Muttley laughed in his wheezy way.
Dick Dastardly started up the Mean Machine and creeped up the side of the mountain.
"Now to watch the fun!" he exclaimed, peering down through his binoculars.
"Company, halt!" Sergeant Blast ordered.
Private Meekly slammed on the brakes, and the tank skidded to a stop.
"Short cut, eh?" the sergeant mused. "Right face! Forward, march!"
Dick Dastardly nudged his dog. "Look, Muttley, they fell for it!"
Sure enough, the Army Surplus Special trundled into the mine. Several other cars followed, until Penelope Pitstop pulled up.
Penelope Pitstop was dressed in pink, with blonde hair. She drove a pink convertible, trimmed with yellow. "What's this little ol' sign doing here?" she asked in her Southern accent. "Short cut? That can't be right."
"What's she doing?" Dick Dastardly fumed. "Checking a map? I can't believe she'd cheat like that!"
"Just as I suspected, there's no short cut here." She turned the sign around. "Aha! It must be one of Dick Dastardly's dirty tricks."
"Curses!" Dick Dastardly swore. "Why couldn't she mindlessly follow the others? Now I'm going to have to deal with her!"
He lowered his binoculars, so he didn't see what happened next. The map fluttered from Penelope's hands. The breeze blew it along, until it landed in the last-place car, Peter Perfect's dragster. "Pretty Penny dropped this!" he realized. "I'll return it to her!"
The wind fanned the map open, covering his face. "Help, I can't see!" he called out. His Turbo Terrific spun off the road and crashed into a tree, shattering into several hundred pieces.
With a sigh of disappointment, he started gathering them up.
…..
Thanks to his car's powerful rockets, it wasn't hard for Dick Dastardly to pass Penelope Pitstop. As he zoomed along, he spotted a truck parked on the shoulder, with several large pipes tied onto its flatbed.
Dick Dastardly pulled over. "Doubtless the driver had engine trouble and went to get help," he said. "That works out well for us, Muttley. I'll wait until she drives by, then pull the cord. The pipes will roll off and crush her!"
The pink and yellow convertible came into view. "Now!" shouted Dick Dastardly. He pulled the cord.
"Bye! See y'all at the finish line!" Penelope Pitstop waved as she blew past.
"Curses! Why didn't those pipes come undone?" Dick Dastardly pulled again and again, then went to stand in front of the pipes, studying the situation.
"Huh?" asked Muttley. He spotted a snarl in the cord, so he untied it. The pipes slid, crushing Dick Dastardly.
"Drat, drat, and double drat!" he swore from beneath the pile.
"Hehehe," Muttley laughed.
Dick Dastardly extended a hand and smacked Muttley on the top of his head.
"Rackin' frackin' sackin'," the dog grumbled.
Dick Dastardly oozed out from under the pipes and started up his car. As he roared away, he didn't spot Peter Perfect, who had finally put his Turbo Terrific back together.
"I'll catch up with Pretty Penny," Peter Perfect told himself. "She'll be grateful to get her map back!"
He closed his eyes to imagine the scene, so he failed to spot the pipes blocking the road.
CRASH!
Once again, his car fell apart.
…..
"I'll fix her this time, Muttley." Dick Dastardly stopped by a construction site. A large building was going up, although no workers were around. "Here, put on this hard hat so she'll think you are part of the crew, and hold up this stop sign."
"Right," Muttley agreed.
Penelope Pitstop screeched to a stop when she saw Muttley blocking the road. "Well, I do declare!" she exclaimed. "Are y'all going to be long? I've a race to win!"
"Hehehe," Muttley laughed.
Seeing she wasn't going anywhere at the moment, Penelope Pitstop took the opportunity to touch up her lipstick. Dick Dastardly, meanwhile, pulled a lever on a construction crane. The big hook rose up, carrying the Compact Pussycat and Penelope Pitstop!
"Hey-yelp!" she shouted.
If Peter Perfect had heard her, he surely would have come to her rescue, but he was busy putting his Turbo Terrific back together. Maybe one of the other drivers would have, but they were all hopelessly lost in the mine, unable to find their way out again.
"I demand you put me down this instant!" Penelope Pitstop said.
"Oh, no, I don't think so."
"You, sir, are no gentleman!"
"I need to get rid of you," Dick Dastardly said, "so I can win this race. Lucky for me, there are plenty of ropes on this site I can use…."
…..
"Mpfff," said Penelope Pitstop. She was gagged with a plain white bandana, which is always quite enough to silence any cartoon damsel. She sat on a wooden crate, tied by one long rope that surrounded her body. In fact, it was so long that Dick Dastardly hadn't needed to use it all; the end trailed away from Penelope Pitstop's white go-go boots.
"And now, my blonde bombshell, hmm, bombshell, that gives me an idea," said Dick Dastardly. He lit a fuse on a black, round bomb. "This should go off in ten seconds," he announced, drawing his hand back.
"Ten, nine, eight," he counted, then threw the bomb forward.
"Seven, six, five." The bomb flew through the air.
"Four, three, two." Penelope Pitstop lowered her head. The bomb struck her racing helmet. Twisting her neck, she bounced it, like a soccer ball, then set it soaring back up.
"One, zero!" Dick Dastardly exclaimed, as the bomb landed in his hands. "Oh, no!"
KABOOM!
"Hehehe," Muttley laughed.
"Triple drat!" Dick Dastardly swore from the bottom of the deep hole the explosion had created. "Muttley! Do something!"
The dog reached down and pulled Dick Dastardly out.
"What are you laughing at?" Dick dastardly demanded. He smacked Muttley on top of the head. "Ouch!" he shouted, the hard hat stinging his hand.
That only made Muttley laugh harder, of course.
"You think you're so clever, do you?" Dick Dastardly asked Penelope Pitstop. "Well, try to stop my next trick!" He climbed into a steam shovel and pulled one lever and pushed another. The huge metal jaws opened, scooping boulders. He maneuvered the load, trying to position it over his captive.
"Look at her squirm, Muttley!" Dick Dastardly said in delight.
Penelope Pitstop was frantically trying to escape the ropes.
"Don't worry, Pretty Penny, I'm here to save you!" Peter Perfect shouted.
"Curses! Where did he come from?" Dick Dastardly said.
Peter Perfect raced forward. "I saw your pink car parked, so I assumed you were lost, and needed your map," he explained. "Lucky for you, your hero is here to save the day!" Then he gasped in surprised, realizing Penelope Pitstop was bound and gagged. "Good heavens!" he exclaimed, running even faster. So fast, in fact, that he failed to notice the deep hole the bomb had created.
Until he stepped right over it.
"Help!" he shouted. His legs spun over empty air for about two second, and then he fell down. "Someone, help! I can't get out!"
"Hahahaha, serves you right, you do-gooder," Dick Dastardly laughed. "And now the rocks are in position!"
He pressed a button, and the metal jaws, straining under the weight of the boulders, opened wide….
…..
"Private Meekly, get us out of here, double quick," Sergeant Blast roared. He'd grown heartily sick and tired of the mine, but no matter which way they turned, there was no sign of an exit. "Or I'll have your stripes."
"Golly, Sarge, I've only got but one stripe," the private answered.
"Then I'll have that," Sergeant Blast shouted.
The other drivers were getting frustrated as well. The Slag brothers were having a furious argument, which quickly degenerated into them bashing each other over the head with their wooden clubs. Lazy Luke shouted at Blubber Bear to stop blubbering, which only made him blubber all the louder, of course. In the Bulletproof Bomb, Clyde was berating his men. "Come on, youse mugs, do something!"
"But boss, what can we do?" his dimwitted lieutenant, Ring-A-Ding, asked.
Clyde didn't have an answer for that. None of the other drivers had any solutions, either, so on they blundered, and the big parade continued, deep below the earth.
…..
"Who was it who said a thing of beauty is a joy forever? Whoever it was, he wasn't thinking of Penelope Pitstop, for that's the end of that beauty," Dick Dastardly said. "At least, it should be. Drat! Why won't those boulders fall?"
Despite the metal jaws opened wide, the boulders remained right where they were, seemingly jammed in place.
"Pretty Penny, would you mind helping me out of here, so I can rescue you?" Peter Perfect pleaded.
Penelope Pitstop looked around, wondering what she could do. Then she lifted her feet, swishing the long trail of rope. She wiggled a little, finally sending it into the deep pit.
Peter Perfect grabbed the end. At first, he didn't make much headway, for as he pulled, Penelope Pitstop twirled around, the rope spinning off her. "My, it feels so good to unwind!" she exclaimed. Now that her hands were free, she held the rope tightly so Peter Perfect could climb out.
"Why didn't my plan work?" Dick Dastardly shouted. He ran to stand below the boulders and started jumping up and down in frustration, as if that would make them fall.
And they did, right on top of him.
"Drat, drat, and double drat!" he swore from beneath the pile.
"My hero!" Penelope Pitstop exclaimed, hugging Peter Perfect.
"Why are you calling him your hero?" Dick Dastardly asked as he slithered from under the boulders. "He didn't save you, you saved him!"
"Yes, but he brought me my little ol' map, which I've been missing terribly. Thank you ever so ever, Peter honey."
"You're welcome, Pretty Penny." Peter Perfect blushed as she kissed him. It was even better than he'd imagined!
"Yuck!" said Muttley.
"While they're busy with their mushy stuff, let's get on with the race, Muttley," Dick Dastardly said.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the dog agreed.
Soon they were rocketing along. "Look, Muttley, the finish line!" Dick Dastardly said. He could see the white line painted on the road and the banner overhead, with everyone from the town of Eton, Colorado gathered to watch the end of the race. In his rearview mirror, he could see two tiny specks; Penelope Pitstop and Peter Perfect were far behind. "Nothing can stop us now!"
Although Penelope Pitstop and Peter Perfect strained their engines, they both realized they would never gain enough speed to pass Dick Dastardly.
Not unless something unexpected happened, at least.
…..
"I'll get us out of this mine," Sergeant Blast decided. "Fire!"
The tank blasted a hole in the side of the mine. The rocks tumbled down the side of the mountain, landing in a heap right on top of the Mean Machine, just when its nose cone was two inches from the finish line.
Penelope Pitstop whizzed by in first place. Peter Perfect, his face covered in lipstick prints, finished second, and the Army Surplus Special came in third. The other cars followed out the improvised exit and crossed the finish line as well.
That only left Dick Dastardly, Muttley, and a very flat Mean Machine behind.
"I'll get her," Dick Dastardly promised, looking enviously at Penelope Pitstop as she held the victory trophy. "I'll bring plenty of rope the next time, and get her out of the way. Then I'll win for sure!"