Sophie's POV
Looking around the crowded dance floor at all the bodies moving together, seeking out the one I'm going to favour over the rest just for tonight, knowing that after that I'll never see them again. The harder the task of getting them seems, the more it makes me want to succeed, it's become like a challenge, something to distract myself. All I'm looking for is sex, it may seem harsh, but I never promise them anything, in fact I barely speak to them. I never go for blondes though. I don't want even the slightest detail of them to remind me of her so I pick those who are as different to her as possible.
As I glance further across the club, I spot a petite redhead over in the far corner dancing with a group of friends and I see her looking at me. She's definitely attractive, very attractive in fact and she knows it too. I'm not the only one looking at her either, numerous eyes around the club are watching her as she moves her body to the music and she's revelling in the attention, but I already know that she's leaving with me.
Making my way over to the bar, I order a shot of Sambuca and down it as soon as it's placed in front of me, before making my way through the crowd to the dance floor. As I approach the red head who is still dancing, her eyes meet mine as she glances up and she smiles as I get closer.
''Hey.'' she says as I stand in front of her.
''Hey.'' I reply keeping eye contact. 'Fancy a drink?' I ask as I nod towards the bar.
''Yeah.'' She smiles widely as I move aside for her to walk past me, and she leaves the company of her friends. I can feel the gazes of the many guys that have probably been planning an approach at some stage burning into me, as we make our way to the bar.
''So, what do you fancy?'' I ask as I gesture for the barman to come over.
''Well… what I fancy isn't that side of the bar.'' she responds as I turn to look at her and she gives a flirtatious smile. Holding her gaze for few seconds longer, I see that familiar glint in her eye. She really is beautiful, but it still doesn't matter, I still know that tomorrow I'll already be forgetting about her. In the past I felt bad about using them, spending one night with them and then never seeing them again, but then I realised, they're using me too right? When they agree to leave with me, or end up in the bathrooms with me after only having met me 20 minutes before, some may just be looking for fun, some just for a release on a night out and then others are looking for the exact same thing as me, an escape from reality, even if just for a moment.
''Wanna get outta here?'' I ask as she nods. ''Come on.'' I say as I take her hand and lead her towards the exit. Her hand doesn't feel like the perfect fit in mine, she doesn't rub her thumb over my hand, she doesn't… I instantly stop my thoughts that are trying to invade my mind again, and I focus on moving out of this club and towards the taxi rank.
''Nice place.'' I state taking a quick look around as we enter her apartment. ''So, where's the bedroom?'' I ask as she closes the front door.
''Second door on the right, you want a drink or something?'' she asks as she turned around. Ignoring her, I merely grab her hand and pull her down the hallway in the direction of her bedroom.
For some reason, lately I've been thinking more and more about the person I so badly wish I still had in my life. Obviously, I've thought about her a lot during the past four years, but more recently, not more than a few minutes would go by without something reminding me of her, or a memory of our time together being triggered, or one of her many little habits popping into my head. If I'm honest, it's almost like torture to me, because as much as I know I don't deserve to forget what I did and how bad I hurt her, I really do just want to feel at peace for a short time without having to feel the guilt of my betrayal and lies eating away at me.
So every time I go out I end up leaving the club, the bar, or wherever I am, with a different girl. Sometimes I don't even catch their names, or if I do, I don't remember it. My main focus is to not think about what I lost, what I destroyed, what my life could have been like had I not made the biggest mistake of my life. Just for the brief time I spend with each of the strangers, I try to give myself a break from not allowing myself to feel anything good, from hurting, from knowing that I could have been happy, but it never works. Before I know it, I come crashing back to reality, wishing I could take it all back, feeling like once again I've cheated, cheated on her, cheated on what we had.
To someone on the outside looking in, it would probably seem like an unusual way of living, I probably look like a player without a care in the world, keeping to myself most of the time, picking up random women just to get a release and enjoying my own little world. But on the inside I'm trying to find a way to get over the fact that I actually lost my world a long time ago.
December 29th 2011. A day I will always regret… the day I let her walk out of my life. I questioned my commitment to her, my commitment to our future, but the one thing I never questioned, the one thing that I never doubted for even one second was my love for her. I gave my heart to her six years ago with a promise that I'd love her forever and to this day that promise remains, my heart will always belong to her and will never be reclaimed.
Since the day she left I've never even considered allowing myself to feel something for anyone else, I could never love anyone the way I loved her. I was too late in realising that what I thought I felt for someone else was just me being young, naïve and looking for excitement and some attention, when all I had to do was look at the person I already had, the one that always stood by me through everything and I would have realised that she was all I needed, the only one I truly wanted. But instead I let myself believe that I had feelings for someone else, someone that was just messing with my mind, playing games.
While the person I truly loved was working hard at college, trying to make something of herself, trying to build a future for us, I allowed myself to spend more and more time with someone who just manipulated me for her own amusement. Ended up that she won her game, while I lost my everything.
If I could go back and change it I would, but I know that's not possible and I have to live with what I did. The last image I have of her is as she was driven away in her mum's car, her eyes red from crying, make-up smudged, tears streaming down her cheeks but still looking as beautiful as she always did. I still remember the last words she said to me… 'I hate you'. She's always told me that she could never hate me, so actually hearing those words leave her mouth, made my heart ache knowing how much I must have hurt her.
I know I can't have her back, I know she's probably over me and has a new life by now, heck she probably doesn't even give me a second thought. I've been torturing myself for the past four years and all I want to do is be able to move on like she clearly has, but I can't, so I do the only thing I can do… I simply live.
Since she left, I quit my job at Dev's shop and tried going back to college, but that only lasted two months before I started skipping and eventually got kicked out again. After that I met Paul and Benny, they're good blokes really but we have gotten into quite a bit of trouble together over the last couple of years, some of it fun, some of it dangerous and some of it we can't even remember but we've got the scars to prove it happened. Recently, I'd started doing some admin work at one of the local offices, but given my track record, I'm pretty sure it won't be long before I'm job hunting again. I pretty much just work to survive. I've got no reason to do otherwise, no great plans for my future. She was my future and I don't want any other one.
I never fall asleep with them, which is why when this girl finally falls asleep in the early hours of the morning, the regret immediately sets in and I turn my head away from the still nameless redhead next to me before I glance at the clock, 4:37am. I need to get out of here and I'm not in the mood for the whole 'Can I call you?' conversation which never goes well. I quickly grab my clothes from the floor and my phone from the bedside locker and make my way over to the door and quietly ease the handle down before I slip out. I don't like to stay the night with any of them, and I always leave as soon as I can, usually when they're asleep so it's a quicker exit.
Every night I dream of her, so on the one occasion that I fell asleep in one of their beds, when I woke up in the morning and saw someone else where she should have been, my stomach churned with guilt, disgust at myself, and it actually made me run straight to the bathroom to throw up.
As soon as I walk into my own apartment, I see Paul and Benny in the living room playing poker. They don't live with me, but they do spend a lot of their time here and they've become like family.
''Well someone doesn't look too happy.'' Benny states as he notices me walk in. ''What's up, not manage to pull a bird or something?'' he laughs knowing full well that I will of course have pulled, but as usual expecting the gossip of my night which I never reveal. I suppose if I was a true player I'd take pride in how many women I actually sleep with and be happy to share all the juicy details of what I'd done with them. But I'm not a true player, and I'm certainly not proud of what I do but it's all I can do to keep myself from going crazy.
''I'm going to bed.'' I say as I point in the direction of my bedroom.
''That knackering was it?'' he says with a smirk as I flip him the finger as I walk towards my bedroom, hearing him laugh.
Hearing laughter and shouting coming from the living room, I stir from my sleep and grab my phone to check the time, 10:16am. Explains the light trying to creep through the curtains. Noticing I've also got new messages, I sit up in bed rubbing my eyes as I open the inbox.
Seeing one new message from Rosie, I frown slightly. She never sends me texts anymore, well not in months. Not since we had a huge argument about her interfering in my life and how I live it. So if she's texting me now, it's either something really important, or she's completely bored and there's no one else around her right now for her to annoy.
Soph
I need to see you this weekend. Can you come home?
Rosie
Is she insane? It's already Saturday morning. She expects me to travel to Weatherfield and cram in a few hours, before I have to come back here and be back in work on Monday morning? No way. The only time my family spent together in the past two years has been filled with arguments, even when I agreed to spend Christmas there last year I ended up leaving before dinner because of all the arguing.
I quickly type a response back.
Sorry Rosie,
Can't make it this weekend. Another time yeah?
Soph
No sooner had I pressed to send the message, my phone starts to ring and Rosie's name flashes up. Sighing loudly, I clear my throat before I answer.
''Hi Rosie.'' I sigh down the phone.
''Sophie, I really need to speak to you.''
''You're speaking to me Rosie, what is it?''
''I need to speak to you in person. If you won't come home, then I'll come to you. Where you staying now?''
''I can't do this we-'' Before I have a chance to finish my sentence, she interrupts me.
''Sophie Webster, tell me where you're staying or so help me I'll-''
''Okay okay, jesus Rosie!'' I know what she can be like when she doesn't get what she wants, and knowing my luck she'd end up finding me anyway and bringing Mum and Dad along for the ride too.
I finally give in and tell her my address so she can travel down later today and visit me. I still don't know what it is she wants to talk about, but she made me promise her that I'll be in at 7pm, so that's pretty much thrown a spanner in the works for a night out, cos' god knows when Rosie starts talking, I'll be here for hours. Well if I'm gonna be stuck in and listening to Rosie, I may as well have some drinks in, I think to myself as I make my way to the bathroom to get ready to go to the shops.