I got terrific feedback for my first "Whose Line" effort, and I thank everyone who reviewed. Since people enjoyed it so much, I decided to make a second attempt! I still don't own Jak II, "Whose Line," or any copyrighted material that I allude to, so don't sue me.
Rated PG-13 for language and sexual references.
Whose Line is it Anyway: The Return of Jak II
by Phoenix Flower
(Cheers and applause as "Whose Line" logo appears on screen.)
DREW: Good evening, everybody, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On tonight's show…
"Don't have a cow, man." Jak!
"Ay caramba!" Keira!
"Eat my shorts." Torn!
And "I didn't do it." Daxter!
And I'm your host, Drew Carey. Come on down, let's have some fun!
(Cheers and applause continue as he descends the stairs and sits at the desk.)
Hello! Thank you! Welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?"—the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right; the points are just like whether Tess's breasts are real. Who cares one way or the other?
DAXTER: (grins) I hear that, brother!
DREW: The way this show works is these guys are gonna make up everything you see off the top of their heads, based on suggestions written on these cards and suggestions we'll get from the audience. After each game, we give them points that don't matter, and at the end, we pick a random winner. The winner gets to do a little something special with me…
(Audience hoots. Daxter grins and arches his eyebrows.)
…and the loser gets to teach Torn to sing.
TORN: (chuckles) Good luck with that.
DREW: Let's get started with a great game called "Party Quirks." This is for all four of you.
(Daxter descends to the stage as Jak, Keira, and Torn read their respective cards.)
DREW: Daxter, you're gonna be the host of a party, and these guys are gonna be your guests. However, these aren't the type of people you'd normally expect to see at a party. We've given them each a strange quirk or identity, written on these cards that they've never seen before. I'll bring 'em in one at a time with the doorbell, and at the end, you'll try to guess who they are. So take it away.
DAXTER: Let's see…nachos—check. Bean dip—check. Twister—check.
(Doorbell rings. Daxter goes to the "door" to greet Jak. Text on screen reads "Cast of Jak II coming to blows on 'The Jerry Springer Show.'")
DAXTER: Hi! Glad you could make it!
JAK: Hey. I just wanted to come here today to tell my girl, Keira, that Ashelin and I have been [bleep]ing each other senseless for the past two months! (To audience:) Shut up! Ya'll don't know me! Ya'll don't know me! (As Keira:) Screw you, Jak! Erol's better in the sack than you ever were! (As Torn:) What?! Erol, you bastard! I thought we had something special!
DAXTER: Try not to get blood on the carpet.
(Doorbell. Daxter greets Keira. Text on screen: "Series of animals getting run over by zoomers." Keira is indicating a pair of yakow horns with her hands.)
DAXTER: Hey, how ya doin'?
KEIRA: Hi, nice to see you. Ahh, look out! Boom! (Falls over.) Moooo.
(She gets up and "rings" the doorbell again, and Daxter lets her in again.)
KEIRA: Woof woof! (Pants like a croca-dog.) Boom! (Yelps and falls to the floor again, then whines and twitches.)
(Doorbell. Daxter greets Torn. Text: "Krew at an all-you-can-eat buffet." Torn is thrusting out his belly and pretending to use a hand-held fan.)
DAXTER: Hey there!
TORN (as Krew): Sorry I'm late. I got stuck coming out the front door, 'ey. Took a team of firefighters to get me out.
(Pretends to move through a line while shoveling food onto a plate. Bumps into Jak.)
JAK (as Ashelin): Oh, no, you did not just shove me—Ashelin!
(Torn grunts, ignoring him.)
I know you heard me! I will hurt you; do you understand? I will hurt you. By the way, I know what you make Sig do with you every night!
(Torn pretends to eat ravenously, still ignoring Jak.)
KEIRA: Meow. Boom! MREOOWW!
DAXTER (To Jak): Get outta here, Jak II cast on "Jerry Springer"!
(Buzzer, applause. Jak returns to his seat.)
(To Keira:) I don't think I invited a bunch of dying animals to my party.
DREW: How is she dying?
DAXTER: She's, uh…
KEIRA: Screeeee! Boom! (Falls over.)
DAXTER: She's getting hit by zoomers.
DREW: Yes.
(Buzzer, applause. Keira returns to her seat. Torn is pretending to shovel food onto his plate again.)
TORN: I believe I'll go back for seconds, 'ey. And thirds and fourths.
DAXTER: And you're Krew at a buffet!
(Buzzer, applause. Daxter and Torn return to their seats.)
DREW: That was great. A million points to each of you. Now let's play one of my favorite games: "Scenes from a Hat." This is for all four of you.
(Cheers and applause as the four stand in pairs on either side of the stage; Jak and Keira are on one side, Torn and Keira on the other.)
Before the show, we ask the audience to write down suggestions for scenes. We take the good ones and put 'em in this hat—we throw out the crappy ones—and we draw them at random and see how many our performers can act out for you, starting with…"Jak II—" ha ha ha. "Jak II roles as played by William Shatner."
(Jak comes out.)
JAK: Praxiiiiiiiis!
(Buzzer. He goes back, Keira comes out.)
KEIRA: Remember, the…first rule, of…making a bomb, is to…always make two.
(Buzzer. She goes back.)
DREW: All right. "Baby Krew's first words."
AUDIENCE: Awwwww.
(Daxter comes out.)
DAXTER: (babbles) Pizza.
(Buzzer. He goes back, Keira comes out.)
KEIRA: Ah-goo-goo. Money, 'ey.
(Buzzer. She goes back, Jak comes out.)
JAK: Waahhh, I'm stuck in da cwib! Waaahhh!
(Buzzer. He goes back, Torn comes out.)
TORN: Waahhh, I'm stuck in Mommy! Waaahhh!
(Buzzer. He goes back.)
DREW: "Unwise things to say to a Krimzon Guard."
(Keira comes out.)
KEIRA: I loved you in Robocop.
(Buzzer. She goes back, Daxter comes out.)
DAXTER: Well, you know what they say: the bigger the gun, the smaller the—(Pretends to get punched in the face.)
(Buzzer. He goes back, Torn comes out.)
TORN: You'd look pretty with pink armor.
(Buzzer. He goes back, Jak comes out.)
JAK: I didn't mean to run over you, sir. I tried to hit the brake pedal, but my beer fell and got lodged behind it when I was reaching for my gun.
(Buzzer. He goes back.)
DREW: "What Daxter is thinking right now."
(Jak comes out.)
JAK: (dances suggestively) I'm—too sexy for my shirt—too sexy for my shirt—so sexy it hurts!
(Buzzer. He goes back, Keira comes out.)
KEIRA: (cranes her neck) I wish Keira would stand on this side so I could check out her ass.
(Buzzer. She goes back.)
DREW: "Things we hope Torn will never say."
(Jak comes out.)
JAK: (cranes his neck) I wish Jak would stand on this side so I could check out his ass.
(Buzzer. He goes back, Daxter comes out.)
DAXTER: (singing and prancing) I feel pretty—oh so pretty—I feel pretty and witty and gay!
(Buzzer. He goes back, Keira comes out.)
KEIRA: I know every Britney Spears song by heart! Number one: (Opens her mouth as if to start singing.)
(Long buzzer. The four return to their seats.)
DREW: 5,000 points to Jak, Torn, and Keira; minus 500 points to Daxter for giving us the image of Torn singing "I Feel Pretty." (shudders) All right, we'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it Anyway?" right after this. Don't go anywhere!